My partner/ boyfriend is transgender (Mtf). So what now?

I can only speak from the point of view of a female who has a male partner who is transitioning to female. For a partner who is FtM I don’t know if I can really be of help but there are some great blogs out there so keep looking….

Ok, so you’ve just found out that your partner is transgender. You’ve got a lot to consider and don’t really know what to think. Maybe you’ve never heard of transgenderism, maybe you feel confused, or cheated, lied to, betrayed, hurt, repulsed and afraid. Maybe you feel ok with it, unsure, comfortable but don’t really know what to do? Worried about your partner, the kids, your neighbours, work, money…… and the list goes on.

Let’s assume that you know what ‘being transgender is’. Your partner has somehow told you they are transgender. You may or may not have talked about it further but you want to know more. You may be wondering what to do.

Excellent resources (more eloquently written than I will ever be able to provide) can be found here: http://www.gendercentre.org.au/resources/fact-sheets/old/the-transsexual-person-in-your-life.htm

Staying together

One starting point is to try to talk to your partner about it and to find a good counsellor to talk to. A counsellor/ psychologist/ other professional help can talk you through your relationship with or without your partner. It will help clarify your feelings and give you an outlet. Eventually you will need to decide if you are going to stay in the relationship. This may take a lot of time and there is no rush. Ask yourself honestly “do you want to stay in the relationship? Why? Do you want to be just friends? Why?” Some people choose to move on completely and that, although it can be very painful, is ok too.

(For how to talk to your partner see: http://thetransgenderpartner.wordpress.com/2013/07/03/thinking/

If you can not accept the fact that your partner is transgender then do not stay in the relationship. If you think your partner will change his/her mind and that it is just “a phase” it isn’t. If you think that being transgender is a sin against god and that your partner will soon see the error in their ways, they won’t. They will always be transgender. It can’t be cured and there isn’t a cure so don’t look for one. Your partner may choose to hide being transgender from you if you give them an ultimatum: I’ll stay if you don’t transition. If this is the case think about how this will impact on your relationship (mentally and emotionally) long term. Do you want your partner to live a lie for you?

If you are very attached to your heterosexual identity and don’t want to be a lesbian then that is okay. Not all trans people choose to have SRS/ GRS and that may be something to consider.

If you can not get over how betrayed you may feel, or how angry you are and nothing will ever make up for the hurt your partner has caused, take a break. Think about how you could stay in the relationship, maybe you won’t be able to. If you think you can work through it, the go for it! There is nothing wrong with feeling things (anger, sadness, confusion etc) but holding onto them forever is not helpful.

If your partner is very suicidal and/ or depressed you know that you will never be able to cope with it, don’t stay in the relationship. Or should I say, don’t stay in the relationship if your partner has big ongoing mental health issues that you can not deal with and it will compromise your inner being. If you can stay with them and get help for them and manage it that way, awesome. Transgender people have a 30% successful suicide rate. If your partner is suffering from crippling depression that is dragging you down and making you depressed too, either work out a way to change it or leave. Depression and suicidal thoughts can be alleviated through a transition. If you are willing to put effective support networks in place for you and your partner then power to you and I hope it goes well!

If you are not prepared for the fact that it never ever ends and is part of life then leave. I don’t meant this to scare you either. The reality is that being transgender has, unfortunately, many issues attached to it. Issues surrounding being transgender will/ may go on for the rest of your partners life and implicity in yours too. Repeated: This is not meant to scare you. For a number of years, transition will take up your life in various ways. Eventually this may subside and life will go on. For many it does. For some it takes a decade. Simple things like going to beach without SRS can be a stressful event. Things from the past can be brought up years later. But be prepared for at least a minimum amount of 1-2 years of “issues”. Also see : http://thetransgenderpartner.wordpress.com/passing-and-being-accepted/

If your partner is still unsure about transitioning talk to them about it but don’t try to sway them. Some trans people take a gently gently approach. They are unsure and so will try a small dose of oestrogen to start off with, or cross dress and see how it goes. Others will want to go out as soon as possible. Transition doesn’t happen overnight. It is a long process.

It is NEVER okay for a partner to lie, cheat, abuse (emotionally, physically or mentally) you. That is NOTHING to do with being transgender. That is just your partner being an A**hole. Being transgender is not an excuse to be horrible. If your partner wasn’t transgender would accept such poor behaviour. I don’t think so.

Transgender people are NOT horrible and nasty by nature (selfish in general, yes, definitely). If you have a bad experience that does not make ALL transgender people bad.

Children

My partner and I don’t have children. I have talked to a few transgender people who’ve had children and mostly children under about 10 don’t care too much. I don’t know about teenagers… I can’t really comment.

I can however speak as a child of divorce. Please don’t think that staying together “for the sake of the kids” is the best idea. It isn’t. I was so relieved when my parents finally divorced. I was a teenager and they always argued.

If you leave your partner remember your kids still have a relationship with that parent even if you don’t want that relationship and even if you don’t want them to either. Don’t use your children to punish your partner and don’t let your partner punish you for leaving.

 I want to stay

Then be prepared for it to be difficult but rewarding and awesome! You may face prejudice, discrimination, lose some family and friends either because they can’t accept it or it is too messy. Unless you have a lot of money accept the fact you will be not be flush for quite some time. Your partner may go through bouts of depression, start having teenage temper tantrums due to hormones, may loose their job and financial security. You will have to make yourself both physically and emotionally available to help your partner as much as possible. It is not a picnic and it will be very stressfull at times.  And ultimately….. your relationship might fail in the end.

BUT…..

It isn’t all bad. If you have an acccepting group of friends, are comfortable and secure enough within yourself, love your partner and can easily talk to them then you have a good chance.  Not all work places are discriminatory and some may even pay for transition. Not every section of society will make a deal of it. My partner hasn’t lost any friends and I certainly haven’t either. I love some aspects of my partner being transgender. For example shopping and exploring new and exciting things together. Some couples can make it through and have it be positive and rewarding.

Will my partner be ok?

This is a really difficult question to answer. Your partner will need all the help that they can get. Every person is different and will need different things. I constantly ask myself this question as my partner gets very depressed. My only answer to this is: do the best you can and “you never know if you never go”.

What do I tell my family, friends and work?

In an ideal world you would never need to worry about this. Unfortunately it is not the case. Most people will be (outwardly) fairly accepting. You will have some negative reactions. Some transgender people move to larger cities with bigger, more accepting and supportive communties- both trans and non trans.

It is worthwhile trying to guage how the people around you feel about transgender people before telling someone outright. Do it surreptitiously by talking about a “friend of a friend” whose child/parent/partner is transgender or talking about an article in the newspaper. Of course they may feel differently upon knowing someone who is transgender so be carefull.
My partner has a friend whose reactions to transgender people had not always been very positive. But when my when my partner came out to her, she was really supportive. I discussed transgenderism with people before telling them and for me it has been really useful.

How will I cope?

With support from people around you.


for more info go to- http://www.gendercentre.org.au/trans_person.htm

155 Responses to My partner/ boyfriend is transgender (Mtf). So what now?

  1. mari says:

    thank you so much for this. MY partner has just started transitioning and most of what I’ve read says there’s no hope for us. you gave me more hope.

    • liz says:

      Thank you for your blog. I am the fiancee of a Trans woman. He has good times and bad. Sometimes the gender dysphoria doesn’t bother him much, and we’re fine. Someti,mes it nearly kills is both. I love him. I won’t leave because of this. I am committed to our marriage. I am straight, and he worries…ok, i worry too, that i might someday love him, but not be IN love with him. I can deal with him identifying as female inside. I can deal with him wearing womens shirts at home, and even sleeping in a night gown nearly every night. I can’t handle when he talks of hormones and surgeries and hating his male body. I have known for about 8 months, and we’ve had our ups and downs. These past few days have been the worst by far for me. I have fallen into an absolutely crippling depression that i don’t know how to shake. I sob and cry uncontrollable, even at work yesterday and with him last night. I am so sad. The pain of living without him would be so much worse than living with him as her, fully, i know. I won’t abandon him. I just need to get out of this hole before i die in it. Sometimes it feels like the despair could actually crush me to death. I don’t know how to deal with it. I just want my husband, even if he has to think of himself as my wife. Do you have any advice that might help us?

      • Michelle says:

        Liz: I feel your pain and frustration. Reading your comment has brought me to tears. I am also in the same boat. I love my fiancee dearly and I love him as the man that I know him to be. It breaks my heart to know that he is unhappy in his own beautiful skin. It pains me that he desires to be “someone” else. It frustrates me that its this way. Outwardly I have supported him endlessly but inside I’m racked with constant emotional pain and frustration. I came here today looking for something, anything at all, that could help me deal with this pain. I’m glad to have found this article and glad to have found others that are going through what I am. I love him “her” so much that I’m not sure I want to ever let go but I’m not sure I’m able to cope with the “issues” that go along with his transition. I’m so unsure and this makes me uncomfortable! I feel like the man I fell in love with is dying and there is just this “new” person in my life. This has to be the toughest thing I’ve ever confronted in my 32 years of life hands down. Hugs to you and others who are going through this.

      • Mady says:

        Liz,

        I fell the same way like you, plus I am pregnant and I am so confused, sad, depressed. Sometimes I wish the Universe will have mercy on me and take me away. I am crying because I feel like I lost him and is never going to be the same. I know he will be happy, but it is at the expense of me and the baby to come. I wish he could tell me before I got pregnant and before we got married. It is so hard on my to deal with so many things at once.

      • Kara says:

        I am so glad that there are other people that feel the same as me about this subject. My boyfriend is mtf and you have perfectly put into words how i feel on a daily basis. Sometimes i wish I would have fallen in love with someone else, because i thought i knew who he was and feel betrayed, angry, insecure. Ihave so many emotions about it and

    • Selena says:

      Yeah, it’s actually pretty depressing to read a bunch of things just flat out telling you that you and your partner have no hope of keeping the relationship, eh?
      I can assure you that it’s not true.
      There are many cases of relationships where a partner has come out as being FTM, whether it be before or during or marriage.There are even cases where both partners gradually accepted and came out as being transgender, with a successful relationship. Whether they be straight, gay or anything in between or above before or after.
      Sure, it is a painful and energy&time consuming process that takes a lot of patience, love, understanding, communication and empathy, but it is most certainly possible. Best of luck to both you and your partner as you both go through the changes of your partner’s transitioning. :) (Which, based on the date of which you left this comment on, has already started.)

    • Emily Gordon says:

      being transgender myself, I can say not to listen to any site that says there is no hope. you know who you are and you know you feel about your partner. its as simple as that. no need to over-complicate it, just do your research to understand more what is going on in the transition. I am mtf and my fiance and I have been together 3 years in september. :)

      • eclipse bloode says:

        hello emily, my trans fiance is named emily too :). i agree with you completely, the people on this page are not thinking about the love they share with their partner, they dont think about what their partner is going through and seeing that it is or can get way worse than what theyre going through, i think they are all selfish people who cant see what amazing people they get to share theyre lives with. i will admit, i was just like them, i was afraid when my emily told me she was trans, but i love her way too much to lose her over something like not having a male body and male parts, they are JUST BODY PARTS!!!! love is deeper than that, the attraction is in the love you feel for the person, not in what they are or how they look. now we have been together for almost 3 years and we are engaged to be married in october, i proposed to her :), it was a magical day. i have been with her, still going through a ton of things with her and i will continue to for the rest of my life…that is love people.

      • Kayla says:

        Thanks for that Emily :). My girlfriend and I have been together almost 3 years now and she just recently came out to me as trans (MTF). We’ve been having a lot of fun together with make up and clothes and shaving products. Outwardly I have been really supportive most of the time, and internally I love her just as always but some days I feel sad or angry about it all. One night I was a real jerk to her about her transition and I hope to never do that again. For me I am certain I am going to stay with her forever as long as she wants me. The love and attraction I feel for my partner is just as strong, if not stronger. Our relationship has never been perfect, and it will never be perfect. But we are staying together because of how much love there is, its as simple as that.

  2. kevin says:

    There always is hope if you love each other

  3. Pingback: Transgender Rights: What Happens to Custody When Mommy Becomes Daddy? | Family Rights Project

  4. Daniela says:

    my boyfriend is a trangender too, and once this had this conversation my perspective changed…

    bf: do you love me enough that you would stayed with me if i get all my head burned, or if i lose an arm?
    me: ofcourse! (because i really do)

    bf: then why wouldnt you like me with hair and make up?

    • maddy says:

      the make up and long hair will not bother me, but the lack of his testicles and penis and chest hair do, I love him physically as well not just with my heart.

      • Wendy says:

        Hey this is how I feel, losing the maleness of my husband is not compatible with how I want a marriage and an intimate life. We have just started this process and he wants me to be his lesbian lover afterwards. I am not lesbian, no matter how much I have loved my husband as a man. I want and desire male:female intimacy………….

      • Tolovana says:

        My boyfriend is transgender and the part that I too think about, is missing his penis….not in a perverted way…….I too love him physically as well. I totally get it….. He is wanting to do full transition and yes….I wish he didn’t want to go that far….I only found out not even 48 hours ago so I’m still a bit surprised. I am grateful for people sharing………I actually know someone else that is MTF so she’s helping me/us also.

  5. little whovian says:

    This really helped me, thank you! I’m a divorced Mom of 3, who has met the love of my life. She happens to be MTF, and I’m trying to find advice on how to explain this to those who really are need to know, like my children. Information is sparce out here in the Midwest, I really appreciate your openness.

  6. Charlotte Edwards says:

    I fell in love with a mtf transgender and he just started a year ago we met online a month and a half ago I am with him now he’s the most wonderful person . Loving and so understanding

  7. Chuckie says:

    My boyfriend of a year and a half just came out to me that he likes to cross dress. However, he always talks about how relates to women much more than men and I think he may really be transgender, but he is afraid to tell me. And he has a good reason. He knows that I want to have a family with and marry a man; therefore coming out as transgender and eventually transitioning will certainly end our romantic relationship. However, he is my best friend; and he will always have a place in my life as my friend. I’m actually already beginning to come to terms with his gender issues (that he is still denying or just not telling me) and I’m trying to figure out a way to help him come out. I love him with all of my heart and I will support him in any future decision he makes about his gender, but I doubt I could continue a romantic relationship with him. How did you make your bf feel comfortable enough to tell you the truth?

    • Hi Chuckie,
      I will start with your last question first. I guessed that my partner was transgender and asked outright. I think that this took the pressure of him (at the time) to tell me. It was a relief for both of us. His/ Her previous gf did not want her to transition and ultimately that was the reason they broke up, so it was a gamble to tell me. I guess in some ways this is similar to your predicament.
      Early on I decided that no matter what I loved my partner and would stay with her and help her transition because I really loved her (and still do!) and she needed help and love and support. I wanted the best outcome for her and if we had broken up I would still want to be friends.
      My partner sperm banked just before starting hormones. This was really important to her because she wants biological children of her own. So that is a possibility. I think my partner regrets not doing more than one sperm bank though, just in case something happens to it.
      Lastly, you don’t have to continue to be in a romantic relationship with your partner. Sometimes love isn’t enough and you have to give yourself permission to be sad about it and be real about it. Being friends is awesome and if you want to marry a man then that’s ok.
      Transitioning will often change then bf/ gf relationship dynamic and the more “manly” things your bf would do can be diminished greatly. Transitioning doesn’t mean SRS necessarily (but often it does) so sometime penetrative sex is still an option.
      For what is it worth, and it’s just my opinion, you don’t have to break up immediately if your boyfriends is transgender. Find out first if he is and then take it from there. Some people who are transgender don’t want to transition or need a lot of time to make it happen. Find out first and then give yourselves options.
      A long reply, but I hope it helps.

      • Chuckie says:

        Thank you for taking the time to respond! Yes, your reply does help A LOT. I’m still not sure how to spark the transgender conversation though, but you’re right. I won’t be quick to end our romantic relationship, because I’m not sure if he would actually transition from male to female due to cultural, religious and family reasons. And I’m actually okay with the cross dressing and it is absolutely not a deal breaker! Once I completely understood that it didn’t mean that he was gay (which he definitely is not), I didn’t mind it.

        In the end, I just want him to be happy with himself and right now I can tell that he is not. He seems to slip into these deep, dark depressions and it just kills me to see him hurting like that. Also, he always talks about feeling so different and alone in the world. I just want him to know that he’s not alone in this and I support him; however I know he’s going to want to know if I would stay with him sexually and romantically if he did decide to transition. Right now, I can’t honestly say “yes,” but I want him to live his life to the fullest and not worry about me. Should I lie to reassure him that it’s ok? But if I do lie to him, and he decides to transition, he will feel betrayed if I leave him romantically. I’m just all confused and emotional and conflicted right now…

      • I think that is important to re-assure him that, at the moment, nothing is a deal breaker. Especially if he chooses not to transition. It is really difficult to see someone so depressed but often talking about it can alleviate the burden which is one of the reasons why I suggested that you bring it up.

        In regards to breaking up….. The unfortunate reality is that the permanent status of any relationship is not given. There is no guarantee in love. Ever. One may have the best intentions; marriage, kids, nice house and realise they just fell out of love with their partner or want something more in life. Someone may fall for someone else. People grow apart, argue, die….. the list goes on. Does it mean we shouldn’t try? No, because when relationships are good, they are great and we love them for that. We will remember the good times and the laughs and you can take that with you forever. You don’t have to give an answer about breaking up. You don’t have to lie. You can just say you don’t know or that you want to talk about it later. The first step is to ascertain how he feels.

  8. Lisa Lisa says:

    being trans (me) is very difficult. when you and your spouse discuss, disagree, gaps in romance increase… blame starts to set. communication breaks down… you start to stress out… you get depressed… it takes a toll on both… so as my spouse (gg) gets in the car and leaves. I go into the bedroom and cry… nothing happens… nothing gets resolved…
    I’ll be upset the rest of the day. You love who your with, and you find it unimaginable to be without them… but there you are… alone…..

    • Lisa,
      being trans is hard. I am sorry that your partner has left you. Perhaps you could try couples counselling? Often the pressure of transition for both parties is hugely stressful. It is good for you to both acknowledge that. It is good for BOTH parties to seek outside help (through friends, counsellors, doctors, family, support groups and other trans people) as much as possible to spread the burden of the stress. Spreading the burden of the stress will put less pressure on your relationship.

  9. Yuna says:

    I found hopes after reading your article. I nearly broke up with my boyfriend when he brought out that he wanted the transition forever. But later on after a deep consideration, he said wouldn’t change, but still would like to try the hormone(Progynov) within enough amount that we both can agree, and will not stop the testosterone. Once we think it’s enough he will stop. meanwhile, i allow him to wear girls clothes at home an sometimes at night outside, but will present as a boy when with me outside and work. Then i decided to stay in this relationship based on more understanding, communication, respect and support I want to be with him forever so i don’t mind if he has some female characteristics, as long as he won’t change sex entirely and within my comfort zone. I am just worrying that he will be addicted to the medicine and cause destructive consequences. Also, even if we get married, how would I explain to the children? I really want to have a family with him.

    Love.

  10. Tracy Paul says:

    i’ve recently been in the “i wanna fix this” stage because i’m transgendered and despiraetly want to save my marriage she married a man for god sakes, i’ve discovered this about a year ago -we’ve been together 10 years and i thought she knew i wore her clothes and she even did my make-up a couple of times when we first met and i showed her:we married anyway: she thought it was a phase so did i -just some kinky thing i did- man was i wrong and the depression is to much.Can’t be myself can’t hurt her anymore and don’t know what to do Almost feels like theres no hope. Shes miserable if i do ,i’m miserable if i don’t. Dressing is the reflection to the person on the inside and displaying it on the outside.Its the only comfort there seems to be! without it we are suppressed and thats dangerous for us because theres already to much on the inside already

  11. Tracy Paul says:

    emily, my wife and i are together for almost12yrs we’ve defeated everything in our relationship until this it has literaly came out of no where and now were struggling to hang on we are treating this as a phase in life and not something worse-personality disorder-maybe we are in denial but i just can’t throw away almost 20 yrs as friends and marriage on a disorder .shes told me that she would be there for me if i thought i had to live this way,we started out as friends first and then the relationship got romantic-we married-all the while i’m wearing her clothes and make-up.i thought she knew this was a stronger part of me than i realized guess i was wrong cause now its trying to destroy everything-it’s my only hang up- my God i don’t even drink-i need some friends i can’t make it through this on my own—reach me at vicctoriadayne@gmail.com always open for emails

  12. to be honest here lets dig down deep and say no matter what “I Love You” to our other half because thats why we got with them in the first place and if this ends all then you still have love and love conquors all!

  13. brant says:

    I’m married and recently told my wife, I’m transgender/ intersexual.
    I have klienfelters syndrome also ( xxy) genes.
    so I’m 40 yrs of age, agreed maybe I should have done this at 16/18 yrs of age.
    If you are in NSW Australia, try Dr Larry Brash.
    we all need to start somewhere.

    Thank-you

  14. Shallow Heart says:

    Yay for this blog! My partner is getting ready to come out to friends and family, and to begin her transition, and I’m so glad to find resources like this online for myself as her partner. I know it won’t always be easy (and may be very hard sometimes), but I look forward so much to the day when she no longer has to have “boy days” and pretend to be the man she never really was anymore. It’s great to know that there are blogs, sites and groups where I can get advice on how to be a good partner for her especially during this time, and where I can go to vent my feelings if and when I ever need to. Thanks so much for starting this, TGP.

  15. Jande says:

    Found out two months ago why my best friend who is my lover and ex is a transgender who is just beginning his transformation. I’ve been having a hard time dealing and my heart is broken. I still support him and i want to marry him even with both of us walking down the aisle in wedding dresses, but he didn’t want a woman; only a man. He wants a man and the reasons why he wants a man are irrelevant cause i can do all those things that he is looking for in a man. And it’s hard cause he knows i love him and still want to marry him as he is.

  16. annie says:

    I’m feeling very hurt although I feel as though it is wrong of me to feel this way. After my boyfriend and I began getting serious he told me that he cross dresses. Not an issue for me necessarily, however he told me that he loved being a man. But I did something I am somewhat ashamed of, I looked through his internet history which was mostly sites regarding SRS, trans related articles, mtf. I know in my heart that he will not talk to me about this, but I feel like we need to take about this, I do not want to be dragged along without ever being told what is going on. I am sorry I’m a mess. I just do not know how to approach him to even begin a conversation. Any advice?

    • Hi Annie,
      Talk to him and ask him. Find a time free from distraction and when you both able to sit down for an hour. Talk to him about it in a kind and loving compassionate way. Don’t get angry and try not be to be upset. Write some points down beforehand so you don’t get lost. These can be practical things like “I have read a lot about what it means to be transgender can you talk to me about what it means for you?” to re-affirming things like “I love you and I want what is best for you”…. but in your own words. Don’t say “I know you are transgender so you have to tell me” or “if you don’t tell me the truth I am going to leave you.” Ask leading questions like “I don’t mind if you cross-dress but I want you to talk to me more about it” “Do you see where this will go in the future?” “Are you interested in other things?” “How do you feel about transgender stuff?”
      It is important to know how your partner feels because it impacts on you a lot.

      • annie says:

        Thank you so much!

      • maddy says:

        Annie,

        You should see the good part, you are not married and not expecting or having kids! You can decide now what you want to do. I am pregnant and just found out about my husband, it is the worst time ever and I wish I could know about this before things got here.

  17. FellInLoveWithA"Boy" says:

    I wish I would’ve found this article five years ago. I met a guy who I thought I would marry. We fell in love very fast and had a passionate relationship for the first couple years. He liked to cross dress once in a while and I was trying to keep an open mind. Then, his depression took hold, he had a nervous breakdown and went into counseling. The counselor suggested he talk to someone who deals with trans issues.

    From there, everything started to snowball. He joined a Trans group and started dressing more and talking more about being a female. He would tell me how he wanted to lose weight to have a more “girlish” figure. I loved him just the way he was, but he never loved himself as a man. Regardless of everything I ever said, it wasn’t enough.

    I was there to listen when he talked about his trans friends and spent time with them, but always felt like I was an outsider. In the end, I think his trans friends were the ones who pushed us apart. You see, most of them are divorced…their wives left them when they decided to pursue this part of their life.I was determined not to be that way…I loved my guy and if he wanted to dress on the weekends with his friends, that was fine. I don’t think I could’ve been any more accommodating.

    A few months ago, I found out he hooked up at a gay bar with one of these trans friends. It wasn’t the first time he had basically cheated, but this time was different. This person was much older than him and had pretty much transitioned from Male to Female. When I confronted him about his infidelity, he admitted it. He said kissing “her” was better than kissing me. He eventually slept with her.

    Heartbroken doesn’t even begin to describe my feelings. This person that I fell in love with lied to me in the worst way. Especially when I feel that I bent over backwards to be patient and understanding with him. We had been living together and had talked marriage in the past. Granted looking back on things now, I can see where in the months before we broke up how he was pulling away.

    What makes me most angry is that he was able to tell me about every facet of his life, but not about “her”. That he was having feelings for someone else that he didn’t understand. That he allowed himself to knowingly cheat on me when I was always there for him.

    We’ve been apart a few months now. I left him when I realized that he wasn’t looking at the affair as a mistake. I knew I had already lost him. It was beyond unfair. I knew I didn’t deserve this. I felt scammed..and that this was all a horrible nightmare. I even offered us to go to counseling to try to work on this but he didn’t want to.

    To me, it was as if my best friend had died. I don’t even know who my ex is these days. He’s decided to further pursue the TG side of his life and is still with “her”. When I moved out he said there was nothing I did wrong in the relationship, there were just problems he didn’t feel comfortable talking to me about. For months, I wondered what he meant and was mad he couldn’t talk to me. Then I realized…he’s wanting to be in what’s basically a homosexual relationship as his current mate still has a penis.

    Despite my anger, I still miss him. It sounds ridiculous I’m sure. I was confident I had found THE one. He decided that the only women important in his life is the one he portrays…and the one he cheated on me with.

    I often wonder if we will ever talk again. Maybe this is because our breakup pretty much blindsided me. I honestly don’t know who he is anymore and feel like the man I was with has died. I keep hoping that I’ll hear from him that he misses me..but as the weeks and months go on, I am starting to feel this will never happen.

    For those who may read this and may be at a crossroads in their relationship, my best advice is to do what is best for YOU. If your mate wants to be a different gender, let them go. I gave up five years of my life at a crucial point and am so angry with myself for doing that. I’m working so hard to get my life back on track. In some ways I hate him for basically stringing me along for 5 years, Don’t let yourself be robbed like I was. I now have NO interest in being in a relationship…probably because I put EVERYTHING I had into this relationship even though it was never equal.

    Due to all of this, I have zero tolerance for trans people. Based on the ones I have met, I feel as though they are all extremely selfish people. They don’t care who they hurt…as long as they’re happy. My man really did have the best of both worlds but was too stupid to see that.

    • I am really sorry that you had such a bad experience. Not all transgender people are selfish. In most groups and sub-groups of people there will be pockets of selfish people. They can not see that they are being selfish. It doesn’t make it any less hard for the people they hurt. It isn’t something specific about being transgender.
      If my partner, transgender or not, had cheated on me like that I would be furious too.

      Perhaps seek some counselling or find a friend to talk about this stuff with.

    • where did my man go? says:

      I am hearing you on this one! You helped me make a decision to leave the relationship as I could see it turning out the way it did for you. i have hurt badly over this and I dont want any more hurt. I am now rebuilding my life and making sure my kids are ok.thank you for sharing!!

    • M.A.D. says:

      Wow your story sounds very similar to what I am going through. I am having issues with the honesty and the fact that I feel like I was lied to for 8 years. Now with two children I am on the brink of divorce because I cannot handle this. My husband who is MTF has begun taking hormones and making myself and the kids uncomfortable. He is miserable when he isn’t in his female form so I just want to end it and move on. Its upsetting because I feel like all these changes were made prior to him knowing me and just came out later into the relationship. I feel used and abused because I put like you everything into the relationship, at one point I packed up and left my life to go be with him. Almost 11 years of marriage and I feel severely betrayed. I agree most transgendered people are selfish and have a disregard for those they hurt, including their entire family. I am sure that there are some that are truly good people but right now I am not feeling that.

    • maddy says:

      You should be happy it ended this way, you could be married and pregnant. You still can rebuilt your life. Good luck!

    • alicia says:

      i am sorry to hear that she treated you that way but all trans people arent selfish cause iam mtf and i am not selfish my partner left me but i understood she couldnt see herself living with me as a female but it would have been nice if we could stay in the relationship but it wasnt meant to be. And know we are both happier and i am not angry anymore i am starting to be the real me

  18. happytochat says:

    I read this, It didn’t answer the question I was looking to answer but I just wanted to comment and say I’ve been with my partner for nearly five and a half years it’s not always been simple but we’ve got over the bumps- and I’ve know he’s transgender for 5 of those years- I had a good drink the night he told me, got over the shock asked some questions and supported since – he’s told both our families- and a small selection of our friends but although he’s had some therapy he’s too scared of societal judgement and that of his own family to take it any further – it does put a strain on a relationship so it’s definatley not for those who are unsure. About the children being involved- we have a 3 and a half year old currently she’s too young to explain anything too but I’ve already told my partner when she’s old enough it will be his choice if and how he tells her- She loves him either way and she’ll love him as mum or dad – Please remember when considering children- changing sex WILL NOT change how they perform as a parent – He is amazing and if he decides one day to make the transition She’ll be an amazing mum.

  19. Alyssa says:

    My (MTF) is 16 yes she is young but that’s not the issue I love her so much and no matter what I always will romantically im just afraid ill loose the sexual attraction to her because i feel i swing more to the men’s side but i love her so much and dont want to live with out her ever things have been tough and i really care for her and love her lots i really need help and tips she hasent dressed like a woman yet but im trying to get her too because i know that it will utimatly make her happy even if it means not being with me but i WANT and NEED her i love her sooooo much what are step by step’s I can take with her so that i can get through this i dont understand what to do. please help me

  20. Doryland says:

    Dear Fellinlovewithaboy: Your story is much the same as mine except that I married him and as soon as the I dos were said it was pretty much over. I went through some of the same things as you. I am now 3 years post divorce/split. I feel much the same as you about entering into any other relationship as I was put through the ringer emotionally. (I wasted a total of 10 years) I will, however, say that I have come to this determination: How can a person who professes to love you ask you to accept them for who they are and allow them to change when they themselves can’t accept us as we are. They in effect are asking us to change the core of who we are and what we want so they can be who they want to be. I was born in 1960 and raised with women’s lib, what happened to “you can do it all, be what you want and don’t settle for anything less than what you deserve?” Keep those thoughts in mind. I tortured myself for 2/12 years before I finally got to the point where most of the anger was gone. There is nothing worse than having someone sell you the fairytale then say “oops so sorry to have misled you”. You think you have found the love of your life and it is all lies. I know, been there, done that. He also abandoned my 4 year old grandson who had his mom and dad abandon him only to fall for and think this person was his “real dad”. He would not even put on a pair of jeans, tennis shoes and t-shirt and “pretend” for a 4 year old because what he needed was more important than what the child needed. If they took my grandson away and told me I had to dress up as a clown and call myself Sue I would for the sake of the child. Most people struggling with these transgendered issues if they are reasonable and of sound mind could make that sacrifice. My grandson still refers to her as “my dad” even though there has not been one card, birthday gift or christmas present. My grandson suffers from attachment disorder because of all these selfish people who choose their demons rather than him.
    I have chosen to accept that I can’t ever trust again enough to put myself out there for the possibility of love. At this point in my life the person who deserves my time and attention is now 7 years old. I don’t think I will risk getting involved again just because I don’t want him to get hurt again, he is only a kid. But that is me.
    Hope this helps a little, I found that there really is no support for us exes of transgendered individuals because as they say “we can’t open our minds and accept them for who they are.” There really needs to be something to help us get through the grief of losing a loved one. It is like having a missing person that is never found again, always wondering what could have been, and why. Unfortunately, they can’t tell us why either.

    • maddy says:

      Doryland,

      Thank you for your post! I agree that there is no help for the spouses of the TG. I have been looking for solutions and try to think rational about what do I need to do. I wish we could talk, and form a support not only for TG but the ones suffering after their actions.

  21. where did my man go? says:

    I found out my husband was transgenderd a year ago.He told me five days later that he planned to transition. He just moved out without any explanation. We have been together 11 years and have two beautiful children together. I tried to stay with him and salvage the marriage and think about if I could go on this journey with him. I searched the internet looking for answers. Eventually I found them within myself. The reality is I married a man and i dont want this in my life and the uncertainity of it all made me very unnhappy as all the compromises were mine to make. Transgender stuff aside my husband is a very self centered, selfish man who has little or no regard for how this lie and deception has affected the rest of his family. I truely loved him and he never really loved me. I stayed with my husband to stop him transitioning. I have just let him go because I was so unhappy and was sick of living with this disregard he had for me. I wasted a year of my life trying but I can tell the kids I did everything. I need a man in my life to live with. My husband never gave me the relationship I wanted ever as he has massive empathy issues and compassion issues. So much going on and I am so much better with it out of my life. I’m not saying I am anti trangender people at all, I just dont really want it in my life and I feel good having made that decision. He will always be around and he will always be the children’s father but it just doesnt have to be in my life! Thanks for putting this page up it did help me to make a final decision!

  22. Amanda says:

    Thank you so much. My Fiancé has just decided to go through with transition and I couldn’t be more proud :) She’s way happier than I have ever seen her! She’s mtf and we’re getting ready to start the next steps in the transition, first with the facial feminization and going from there. This really helped me. I am not going to leave her, she’s still the same person to me :) I just wanted to thank you again for this article :)

    • emptyspouse says:

      I wish I could have your attitude, but I just can’t be in love with a woman! I feel sad and guilty that I am not that person to accept him the way it is, but it’s just not my nature the way his nature is not to be a man.

  23. Katelyn Daniels says:

    I am a mtf transgender, I came out to my wife of 8 years, 2 years ago, when I had realized who I was and came out to myself. I had always felt something was up with my gender, but could never truly understand what it was. She had known of my cross dressing, not understanding it, but excepting it. She is supportive of me and we are very much in love. It scares me daily she will fall out of love with me, but there isn`t anything I can do about this. I can be miserable and depressed as I felt inside before or go forward and be happy. I am on hormones and yes my body is changing, we are working on this together. We talk about our feelings and are open about everything. I don`t feel the need at this time to have any surgeries, but at this point I can`t answer that. There are many things to deal with ahead like coming out to my adult children, but I really don`t have a choice. I don`t want to hurt anyone and disrupt our lives , but this isn`t a choice, it`s who I am. For those wives or partners of transgender folks, if you love your partner, it will work out

    • Missy says:

      I sure hope so!!! How are you and your wife doing?

      • Katelyn Daniels says:

        We seem to be doing well\, thank you. I`ve decided that I have to keep moving forward for now, meaning, not hold back on expressing myself.. For Christmas she gave me gifts of colorful clothing knowing I would like to wear them in public. The plan is to slowly come out to family by wearing more feminine cloths and so forth. By now I know family members are wondering, we`ll see.

  24. Daphne says:

    This site is a huge help. I don’t feel so alone anymore. My fiancé and I have been together for two years. He didn’t tell me he was transgender until almost a month into our relationship. It was really hard for me to deal with, and still is hard at times because I identified myself as heterosexual. So many questions and fears arose when he told me, and I had to reevaluate myself….he never really hid it from me but I just always though he was a “feminine” male…so does this make me a lesbian in denial? We want to get married and I definitely want children but it’s been hard for us to conceive but he’s 26 and wanting to get his transgendered therapy and hormones started ASAP which means we will most likely be adopting. I do love him with all my heart and am ready to support him however he needs but it’s still hard, I still worry that I may not be strong enough to be in a marriage like this and if I’ll ever get used to calling Him/ Her. And on top of it I feel bad for even worrying and questioning because if I truly love him whatever he decides to do I should accept no matter what right?

    • Dear Daphne,
      I am glad you don’t feel so alone anymore. I think having a partner who is trans and/ or transitions can be so isolating because it is so hard to find and connect with other people who have experienced this.

      Partners find it really hard for all of the reasons you have outlined. It is lonely, uncertain, questions how you perceive yourself in a relationship and how society sees you, can feel like you’ve been living a lie and question whether you should stay in the relationship.

      I suggest that you look into sperm banking for a number of reasons. 1) transitioning with a young child or children will be really really tough. Having a baby means you must dedicate your life to it and transitioning can be so demanding too. Don’t take on too much. 2) If you are having trouble conceiving then you made need “help” anyway. 3) It is really hard to transgender people to adopt in certain countries. Some countries do not let same sex couples adopt at all. Sperm banking does not necessarily cost that much.

      I think that you need to sit down and think about what you want your life to be like. If your partner wants to be really passable then you will have to deal with the lesbian issue. Being in a lesbian relationship is not like a hetero one. There is no big snuggly man, no social familiarity, social cues change. Your partner’s identity may change and your social and personal identity may too.

      I have said this before in previous post but no relationship, heterosexual or lesbian, will be guaranteed to last. It is a fun adventure with two people working together, loving each other and communicating well. Try giving your partner a female name for a week or two and using female pronouns. Just in private between the two of you. See how it feels.

  25. Daphne says:

    Thank you for the reply :) sperm banking does sound like a good idea and I can be there for my partner now and focus on having a baby when the timing is better. I will also try giving my partner a female name and using the pronouns when we talk to see how well I adjust. I know it will take time but I want to say I tried 110 percent if I ever decide the relationship isn’t right for me.

  26. Faith says:

    Thank you so much I needed this!

  27. Miguel says:

    Hi
    My name is Miguel and my wife came out to me a year after being married that she wanted to take T and do top surgery. She said she has always known about it but she was afraid to come out and tell me. Now I keep telling her that she should do it cause it will make her feel better about herself and because that is what she wants. The only problem is ME, I don’t know why but even though I keep telling myself she is going to be the same person I fell in love with in the inside I’m ok with it. But then I freak out and I’m afraid that once the changes start to happen I’ll see her/him differently. I don’t know how to deal with this by myself, I need help cause I really want this to work out but I don’t even know where to start.

  28. Jane says:

    I have just found this page today. Right now I don’t know how I feel. I know my husband is struggling with defining his own feelings right now. He will see a counselor next week and he is very excited. He is depressed and says he does not know who he is and doesn’t feel he is a man. He is lightly touching the subject but he is so very afraid he will scare me with all that is built up inside him. He say’s he loves me and that he is not gay. We went to the counselor for the first visit and they have agreed he will start next week and as he is comfortable either way with his identity then I will be asked to come also. I feel a long road ahead. Right now I am just trying to understand. Looks like I will be a newbe here as I need all the help I can get.
    FYI.. He is 60 I am 50. Both professionals in the work place. Just an average couple.
    JanAC

  29. Mckeey says:

    Two nights ago I was looking for a mutual friend on my boyfriend’s instagram account and much to my surprise (almost horror at the time) I found that half of the people that he was following were pre-op transsexuals.

    I jumped to the worst conclusions (that he was gay, that he wanted to be with pre or post-op MTFs and that he was only with me to hide this fact.) So, crying, I confronted him. He told me that he needed some time to tell me. I tried my best to not ask questions as we cuddled on the couch the whole day, my mind was running wild and I was hurting so badly. So I paused the movie and asked him to tell me because I felt I needed to know.

    He then told me that he had a fetish for transsexuals and that before me he had been with a few of them. He also told me that he wished he had been born as a female. As soon as he told me I knew that I would always be there to support him with any decisions he made.

    So after staying silent for a few minutes, I asked him a few questions, not wanting to hurt him or overstep any boundaries. He explained that he loved me as a female and only wants to be with me, that he’s not attracted to men but is attracted to MTF’s who still have their original part, and that he wants to put a dress on and have me use toys on him. He then told me that he’s quite vain and knows that with his big build that he would make an “ugly woman” and that it is too late for him to have any surgeries. It was at that moment that I broke down, my amazingly handsome boyfriend thinks he isn’t good enough in his own skin and that he can’t take the steps to become comfortable because he’s afraid of being ugly.

    I love him with all of my heart. I want to marry him and spend the rest of my life with him. I’m more than comfortable spicing up the sex life and doing things that he’ll enjoy. But I’m scared that eventually he’ll decide to transition and then tell me that I’m not what he/she wants anymore, I’m even more scared that if he does transition that I won’t be able to handle being with a woman.

    He’s at work and I haven’t left our bed yet. I’m hurting for him that he’s held on to all of this for 23 years without telling anyone. I’m scared that this will change our relationship. I’m terrified of him leaving me for a transgender. I’m worried that I won’t be able to deal with all of these changes if they do come.

    Any help or love from people who are going through the sane thing would be much appreciated!

    Much love,
    M.

  30. Amanda says:

    I have been together with my boyfriend who is uncertain of his/her gender for a year, which fells like an eternity judging from how intense it has been. I’m just going to say “him” because I don’t know either. 3 months after being together he told me he felt like a woman, it was a sensitive moment with a lot of crying and him being really afraid of me leaving him. He was my first boyfriend, and naive as I was I told him that of course I accepted it and that we would always be together no matter what. But It didn’t feel right, as time passed he became more and more feminine, when I asked about it he didn’t understand what I meant. His depression didn’t help a lot either, he has had a lot of suicide thoughts and I was terrified that if I was to leave him he would kill himself. I was also terrified about the fact that he started talking about taking the pills, and that it would only change his appearance, not his personality. I have tried to convince myself that too, but sex with a woman still repells me and god knows how guilty I have felt. Another thing worth mentioning is that I was never allowed to tell a soul, because it is and has allways been his secret, so I had no one to talk to about this. Anyway, it became pretty clear that he wanted to become a female, my depression grew with his until I couldn’t take it anymore. I burst, and told him how I had almost faked being supportive and I was uncertain about my feelings, that I didn’t know how I felt and we had a big fight, we never fight otherwise because we usually understand each other. It became clear to me that he wouldn’t commit suicide if I left him and I felt a small relief from that but we both felt it coming. So I go home to clear my head for a while, when we meet and I’m about to end it he tells me that he has been confused, that he is not a man clearly, but not necessarily a woman either, and doesn’t know if taking pills would make him happier. I feel like he is lying to me and I have confronted him numerous times to the point where he gets upset and wonders why I don’t trust him (I wonder why…). He also says that he fells more at ease now, still depressed but not as suicidal as before, and if I were to leave him he would keep living but become really sad. He also says not to worry because he has contacted a psychiatry to see what the problem is, and that if he is indeed a woman I have a right to leave him. I don’t know I’m just so confused, I still love him/her but fore one I feel like he is twisting the truth for me in fear which is not good because love should be all about trust, and second of all I sometimes feel the need of a “man”. I know it sounds silly but I can’t deny my feelings, I bought him a dress for his birthday last month because it would look pretty and he became very happy but somehow the words “it’s okay ’cause you don’t look like that every day” slipped out. I got mad at myself for even thinking that, he asked me what I meant and I twisted the words and the truth a bit so it became “you can’t look like that because you’re too scared of peoples thoughts, but you should be able to”, but I think we both know exactly what I meant the first time. What really breaks me is that he is my best friend in the whole world, and without him I’m lost, If I were to break up it would break both our hearts a lot and I don’t think we could manage to still be friends, it doesn’t help that we now have a distance relationship because we study. What would break me the most is if I were to leave him and he really would commit suicide even though he promised not to, I just feel that if he is holding things back from himself because he prioritizes me, then he will never be happy. I want for him to, if that’s his wish, become a lovely female with a lovely partner who loves her a lot and doesn’t judge, but like I said I’m so confused and sometimes I just want to end my life over it, I have been on the verge of cutting myself but hesitated because I don’t want people seeing the scar and questioning it. The only comforting thought if I were to leave would be that he is living on, hopefully happy at last, but I don’t want to ask myself in a couple of years “I wonder what happened to ——, I loved him more than anything”…
    I’m sorry for the long comment, I just needed to get this out of my system, I don’t really expect an answer, you can even delete it if you want to, this was my way of not loosing it today ^^ with all respects.

    • Amanda says:

      This comment make it sound like I haven’t tried, but I have. I even started calling him her, desperately looking for dresses with fluffy skirts that would hide the fact that he has no hips, practicing voices, having sex in different/reversed positions, applying makeup, fixing his hair, putting a dress on him and trying to have sex while he was looking like that to see if I could enjoy it, if I could make myself enjoy it. When It became clear to me that I wouldn’t enjoy it because I’m straight I started making logical reasons that it wouldn’t be fair to him because he wants to be a female, that I should kill my love for him so that I could be with a man in the future. That’s why I’m confused over him suddenly wanting to proceed being a man, is not so depressed anymore and apparently “has thought about this option for a long time”, what? Because a week before he says this, we are practicing how to make his voice feminine! He states that he has indeed thought of this but didn’t want to burden me anymore by voicing it, making me more confused, as he is still confused and doesn’t know what he wants. It helps me a lot knowing he has a psychiatrist whom he visits weekly, that way it feels like he is telling the truth at least. But I remember when I called him my girlfriend, he would brighten up like no other, telling him he looked pretty in a dress would make him giggle, and before I voiced my confusion he seemed… happier. Maybe I should end it simply because I don’t know and I don’t want to take any risks, but isn’t life made of risks?

      • emptyspouse says:

        Amanda,

        You tried as much as you could, but it is not in you. I feel the same as you do! I can’t see him as a woman and I can’t love a woman. I can be friends with a woman, but not crazy in love. I like man for all their masculinity and behavior. It is not easy for him, but it’s not your problem to deal with. It sounds like your life is not happy, it is tormented. Is that love? If you are not happy with the changes and if you don’t feel fulfilled by this relationship, it is just a one way love not two ways the way how it should be in a relationship. I wish I would be in your shoes. I am married and pregnant expecting in March and he just told me who he really is two months ago and I know myself, I know why I married him and not a woman. I wish he will tell me ahead of time about this. I know who I am and what I want, when I signed the marriage certificate I did not sign for this. If he would suffer a burn on his face, body, testicle penis I would accept him, but this is different than a burn, it is not just a body change, hormones are going to change him and the make up and the voice and there will be boobs and no penis or testicles, too many changes for me accept as much as I love him and I carry his baby. I know he will not be the same he will be dead, no more of my husband just some reminiscence. I know people change in time but not as much and not as drastic. So I am going to leave him after the baby is born, I wish I could do it now but I want him to see his baby. I thought of just leaving him and don’t allow him to bound with the baby so he will not suffer, but he will. As you can see I can’t even see him a woman. When he talks with me about becoming a woman it is tormenting me, it is painful that I am worried for the baby that will have health or mental problems. On the other hand it hurts me to know he is going through this and I can’t be there for him, I was there for him when he was bouncing around and he would not have the job, but now it’s too much for me to deal with and I also thought of suicide to get out of his way to let him be who is really without adding more guilt on him because he is hurting me and the baby. I was praying to universe/god/demons/angels to tale my life away. But I am responsible for the baby, he will not be able to handle the change, the baby, my pain. I have to be there at least for the baby. I feel that my life is over I am almost 40 and I know I will not be able to trust and feel in love, and I will not be able to look at him as my wife or partner, I know my boundaries I know my foundation. So I feel like I am living with a corps in my house, my husband corps. I want his to be free and happy but that is opposite of being with me. And I hope he will find acceptance and love. I am sad I can’t offer him those and I will live with that guilt but I can’t live tormented like I am doing now. I hope you see that you are more free than you think and your situation is lighter than mine, life is full of risks but maybe you need to analyze the risk before your take it, it might or might not be worthy.

      • JanC says:

        Hello Amanda, I can so relate to you and your concerns and feelings. I know it felt really good to get all that off your chest. I read your post and realize I am not the only one. Rather I relate to yours the most. I am so trying to be supportive yet I don’t know how far I can go. Everyday it is the first and last thought of how I can handle this. Right now I am reading She’s not the Man I Married. So far it sounds like “us”, rationalizing our thoughts and trying to be supportive and understanding. I will be glad to give you some feedback if you like. There really is no one to talk to in our situations
        . My husbands therapist suggested I might need my own therapist.
        Wow, this is not the life I sighned up for but I’m not ready to throw it away either. I hope you respond. I too need all the help I can get.
        JanC

  31. Missy says:

    Wow!!! I am NOT alone!!!! I have been married to my husband for over 15 years and have been with him for over 22 years. Two years ago almost to date, my husband came out and told me that he was transgender. He told me this only after finding out that he was having what he called an “emotional affair”. I guess he told me b/c she already knew he was, and was afraid that she would talk to me about it , but only after she tried to make contact with me. Long story short, he has not had any sort of contact with her and we have since moved on past that. Some past info for you: Over the years he had seen two doctors for what he swore to me was due to him having an enlarged prostate. He took many medications and hid most of them from me or were out of sight. I always questioned him throughout the years and wondered if there was more to his taking meds and seeing doctors (that he never made me a part of). I obviously now am aware that he was not being honest. Looking back, while wondering, I remember always telling myself, he is being honest with me… I am sure he would not hide nothing from me. I now know the truth and have gone through many rollercoaster emotional rides and a good 100 or so questions on what’s in store for us, our children ( whom seem to be nothing short of miracles when looking back). I have a long story, but it is really a repeat of some if not most of the short stories listed above. It helps to read that I am not alone, and helps me find the ability to have grace in this venture. I can’t say that the venture is for me the remainder of my life , but it is for now. I love my husband so very much, I love the family we have created and that god gave us. I struggle with finding some sort of comfort in knowing this is what god wants for both of us, for our children. Just seems like a long path of hurt, confusion, and so many other trials and tribulations. I do know that this venture has caused me to look back and question a lot about my husbands character. I find myself split two ways… one very grateful for him being the “man” that he has been and continues to be ( I think it’s probably a great chore for him) and the other way is angry … I feel like I have been lied to and swindled out of his own fears and obligations. I try to imagine how he feels, and how he copes daily with so many different feelings, wants , desires, and with just being a productive member of the society that we live in. It must be so very overwhelming for him. And then I feel like … what about me… what about my feelings as his wife, his friend, his lover, the mother of his children. I am struggling , I am hurt, our sexual relationship has for the most part always been mediocre, and often time not so desirable ( hence my comment on our children being miracles). I find myself wanting to be normal… But really what is normal? I really don’t even know where I am going with this…. I think originally I was searching to find out if anyone out there is aware of the effects of the medicine’s our significant others taking might have on us via transfer of their semen, saliva or blood. Obviously, MTF take large quantities of estrogen amongst other prescriptions. I am interested in knowing if I might be at risk or increase my risk for any sort of cancers, or other things like bringing on per menopausal symptoms or other unknown hormonal or glandular, endocrine diseases by being exposed to hormones in ones bodily fluids for long periods of time. And even more importantly, can he be at higher risk for cancer and other diseases as well.

    • emptyspouse says:

      First I am sorry your are going through this, it is not easy. As for hormones that is a good question for research but I assume there is a little quantity that might come out in body fluids. I also think of lesbians and again I don’t know if research were done, maybe he can ask the doctor prescribing the hormones. I hope you will soon be able to find a clear solution for your relationship, from what I read it does not sound like you had a happy marriage. I hope you will find a way to feel loved, stay happy and have good sex, think about you and your kids.

  32. krystoal says:

    Thank you for this, its given me hope I never had iv been finding it hard to deal with but after reading this has given me a different out look maybe this can work il never know if I don’t try and if I walk awayI may live to regret it and I dont want that I wanna be able to say iv tryediso thank you very much your a grsat help and must say your partner is very lucky to have u

  33. Kaia says:

    Hello,

    This has been a great read for me. I’m an MTF that came out slowly to both myself and my partner over the course of almost 3 years. About 2 years ago, I started seeing a counselor, and decided I’d like to give hormones a chance to normalize myself. The longer I’ve been on them, the better I’ve felt. I used to hate myself so much, and kept it from everyone. I got engaged during this transition process, and 1 year to the day later, got married (3 months ago). My wife and I are finally in counseling together, as she didn’t want to add that on top of her super hectic work travel and wedding planning. She is now needing to start discussing this with her family and friends as I am getting closer and closer to my full time date (have already pushed this back). I’m interested to see if she can find some support from other people who have been through this, both whom have and have not succeeded in remaining together as a couple. I love her with all my heart and really do not want people who think it is selfish of me to need to do (you are obviously out there). I cannot help who I am, and tried fighting it for 33 years! Well, 31 then did something about it. I realize if I didn’t transition, I would do the most ultimately selfish thing and take my own life.

    Now we are trying to muster through this, but seeing her in pain utterly destroys me. It breaks my heart. I have a lot of empathy for her. She wants a man, and this is something I can never give her. She is depressed right now and just doesn’t see anything positive about life at the moment. I know sometimes it is hard to see beyond our own depressions, and that there is a future. I’ve been there for multiple reasons so many times in my life. I want her to be happy, and I just don’t know how I can make that happen for her. She loves me, but I fear she will slowly fall out of love with me and eventually end up having hatred towards me. That would break my heart. I’ve given 5 years of my life to her. If this were a choice, do you think I would want to put her through this? Heck no.

    I really want Sarah to read things from more viewpoints and hear more positive things from hetero women who are married to trans women. Even if they didn’t remain married ultimately. I want her to know that whatever she decides, this will not be an easy road, and she needs support as I do. I love and support her, but I alone am not enough. Ultimately, it is her decision and her decision alone if she can and will remain with me, and I will not hate her if she cannot be with me, no matter how much it will hurt my heart to see that. I ultimately am an optimist, and think that with the proper support, understanding, place to voice her fears, and work, that we will remain together. You get married out of love, but remain together because of work and communication and empathy.

    I just want her to be happy. I love her way to much to wish any pain upon her, but she will ultimately feel quite a bit at my hand. I just want her to know that everything will eventually be ok, and there is another sunshine after the darkness of these current times.

    Please help! I’d love to put someone on contact with her. My email is “kaia0132@gmail.com”.

    With love,

    Kaia

  34. emptyspouse says:

    I am a wife of a man who will become a woman, and the think I can say to you is that it is hard for a cis straight woman to love a transgender man. You should have not married her specially if you knew her for 5 years and knew she is not a lesbian. It takes a lot of real love and strength to see your partner the way it was before, the man he was will be missing and she will not be happy. A lesbian or bisexual maybe could take all the change and would not miss the man, I hope she is one of those or that she will have a lot of real love and just love you as a person, but my experience is not the same. I can’t love a woman, I can be friends with her, but will never feel romantically attracted to her and making love is more than just spirit or flow of energy it is erotic too and I can’t get aroused by boobs I can get aroused by a man’s body hair, facial hair, strong hands, testicles, his around penis his masculine voice and the masculine behavior. Sex is not just for an orgasm it is a moment when you feel completed by the partner next to you as body and spirit. That is not going to happen when you are with a woman. Maybe lesbian or bisexual can explain better what love is with a woman, but not me because I was never interested. So my advice is if you really love your partner to let her go and let her find the real man who can complete him with mind and body, as much time you invested in the relationship it will take more and has very small percent to be successful and happy. That is my point of view.

  35. CHKY says:

    Hi, My boyfriend came out as transgender about a year ago. We had been living together for about 5 years and were very close, real “partners in crime”. The year that followed was full of fun (as usual) but also included lots of soul searching by both of us, educating ourselves, discussions – some comfortable, some very UNcomfortable, I supported her transition fully but was unsure of if I could continue a female / female relationship long term. I am hetero but was taking it day by day. She began to take hormones and there began some (I believe) hormone induced ups and downs, like bad PMS, it put a strain on us. In general we had less sex, but the sex we had was still very enjoyable and fun. I didn’t know this at the time, but she was being courted by a mutual friend of ours who was bi-sexual and poly-amorous. I know now that for months there was a vibe developing between them, the other woman expressed her feelings for my partner (who I was still in a monogamous, live-in relationship with me). My partner said NO to this person about starting a relationship but the other woman was assertive and ignored my partners boundaries. After a long, awesome vacation my partner and I took, we ended up breaking up, I think it was largely due to the feelings between my partner and this other person. Since we were still living together, splitting up was going to take some time, I asked two things: 1) If you get in a new relationship, you cannot sleep in the same room / bed with me 2) I will not accept a relationship where you have all the fun with another woman and then just use me for all your support, needs, and problem solving. Well about two days later, they were in a hot and heavy relationship and both of my requests were completely ignored. After protesting for about 5 weeks, she decided to move out. Two months later, there are still many of her possessions left at my house! I have many mixed emotions. I grieve terribly for my old boyfriend who is “gone”. I want to support my former partner thru her transition but I am very angry at her for disrespecting me after I gave so much to the relationship for many years and worked with her tirelessly for the first year of her transition (helping with jobs, family, emotions, everything!). I’m also very very angry at this mutual “friend” of ours who disrespected our relationship and my partners boundaries and seduced her when she was most vulnerable. I don’t know what to do, I feel like I can never be friends with the “other girl” and don’t know if I can even be friends with my ex, we are like two peas in a pod but I’m just furious at how this all went down, it didn’t have to be this way. Any advice?

    • I have been in a similar situation except my partner put the brakes on things before the
      other relationship got “hot and heavy”. I understand the betrayal and hurt. It doesn’t matter that your ex-partner is transgender in this situation. Would you accept this sort of behaviour if she wasn’t trans? I doubt it. Anger is not healthy but neither is having the hurt constantly bought up by having her stuff at your apartment and constantly having to deal with her. As much as you love her, she chose someone else and she shouldn’t get to have you too. You need to get on with your own life. You should not have to accept this situation. You may be two peas in a pod but there are other people out there. Give her a deadline to come and get her stuff and get her out of your life or have limited contact. You are not her doormat.

  36. Amaral says:

    I found out that my husband of almost 5 years has transgender issues about 6 months ago. At first he told me about it and said that we needed to end our marriage, I don’t know if he said this because he didn’t want to continue on this marriage or if he said it because he thought I couldn’t accept it. A few years back he had mentioned that he had a fetish with cross dressing and I wasn’ t very supportive of that idea, maybe because I wasn’t ready for it. We agreed to continue with our marriage and went to some meetings with a marriage counselor, things got hard and we kind of lost the trust and communication between each other, I felt he wasn’t attracted to me anymore, even though he said he was, he just never wanted to have sex. I left the country for a couple of months as I was trying to get away of this situation and I was hopping things would change. While I was away, he met this group of people that encouraged him about cross dressing, suggested that he should start taking hormones – pretty much they told him to pursue being a female regardless of who got hurt in the process…while I was away he told me that he couldn’t wait anymore to start taking hormones (even though his therapist had not prescribed them yet, he decided to get them online). When I came back he had taken all my things out of our house. When I went to talk to him, I found him so skinny and he looked so sad, he told me he had tried to kill himself a few times since this whole thing had started a month ago, but he was happy that he was finally able to cross dress and feel pretty, but that this wasn’t enough for him, that he needed to have a full transition and that he knew I couldn’t accept that so he was trying very hard to push me out of his life even though he felt lonely and unaccepted and he still loved me and cared for me. I really don’t know what to do, I love him so much and it hurts to see him in pain, it hurts to see that he feels all alone in this world. I keep wondering if I realy can’t accept it or if it’s just the fact that I worry too much about what is my family is going to say if I decide to stay with him. I know he’s still the person I fell in love with, whether he is a man or a woman. I just don’t know if I can be ok with him completely changing to be a female, I do want to have kids eventually but I don’t even know if that would be possible if he has a full change. I am so confused, lost and hurt…and I also keep thinking that maybe it doesn’t even matter if I can accept it or not, because I don’t even know if he still wants me in his life.

    • Dear Amaral,
      perhaps your partner wants you to be there but knows your doubts. It is easier for him to make the decision to not be with you from the start than have your initial support and for you to then leave. Irrespective of your family (because let’s face it, your partner doesn’t have to see your family if she/ he doesn’t want to; i.e. they don’t have to be involved) and children (an easily solvable solution via sperm banking) you must make a choice about how much you will love and accept your partner as they change. You still love him now, so find out if he actually does really want you in his life, chances are he does. Then talk about the issues together. How does he imagine his life in the future? How do you imagine yours? Can you imagine being comfortable in a lesbian relationship? Is he interested in men? Does he see having children as an option? What kind of surgeries does he want? All of this will help you decide if you will be able to be in a relationship with him. Think about what you want first and what you are willing to compromise. Read a lot of other blogs and information so you are completely informed about all the options and choices and relationships out there. Then have a big talk with your partner.
      Good luck,

  37. Concerned Wife T says:

    I need help… My husband is almost 50, I am 35 and a very heterosexual female. He told me when dating about his extra x chromosome but stated he had made the decision he wanted to live as a male ok, well I am definitely a heterosexual female and have no interest in being with a female. He did not want to give up achievements, jobs, being a father, and his dream of being a husband. So, we married, no further discussion. Then we stopped communicating and no physical intercourse what so ever. We split up and he moved out of state. After approx 8 months we started talking again and I went to visit. His hair was longer, he had gotten a couple “feminine” tattoos, he was taking hormones, and had made new friends (outside of the town he lived and worked in) presenting himself as female. He was getting over our break up and happy with his new adventures.
    Ok, before I go any further I need to clarify something, I am very open minded… My mother has a female life partner, my ex-brother in law is very “out there” gay, I have lots of friends in the LGBTQ community and am supportive. I am in no way homophobic.
    Now, we discussed getting back together and “trying” small things to explore my comfort zone. The tattoos bothered me but I got over that quickly. We paint each others toes and have went to have pedicures together. No problem. We’ve even went to the salon and got our hair cut and colored and had out eyebrows waxed etc.
    One day, he comes in with his hair down, kinda unisex cut but long, with french tip fake nails, and women’s tennis shoes. It was her coming in not him…. And I got sick. I am attracked to men not women and here is a woman standing in my bedroom.
    Then there is the sex issue… I read through some of the previous posts and didn’t come across one that addressed this. I crave wild, crazy, heterosexual sex. Not toys, or other items to simulate. And with him already having low T and now taking hormones plus being molested/raped/abused when he was young that cannot happen.
    We are best friends and get along great. We have a great time together all the time but this is a serious issue and I’m not sure how or if I can get passed it. He wants to be a female and is attracted to females. Loves me more than life itself…. I love him more than anything but I cannot continue to ignore my “animal instincts”. We keep looking for help and suggestions and all we get is he needs to dress and present as female and if I can’t accept then o’well.
    And with this attraction and physical issue I’m at a loss. We both kinda think we know what needs to be done but we’re scared to death to lose each other because we have such a good relationship in all other aspects. Any words of advice???
    Thank you for listening to my rant, I’m lost.

    • Is it okay to want hot animalistic sex. You are only human! Hell, most people love sex and mid-30’s is no time to be missing out. It is normal and natural to want heterosexual sex. You are not the first person in a relationship to want different sex than what is on offer and still love your partner. But what to do?
      So you have a best friend! It sounds like you want to stay with your partner in some capacity because of how well you get on and how much you love her. Could you (both) just accept being “best friends” (perhaps with or without snuggles and lover indulgences) but other significant sexual and emotional relationships? Would jealousy get in the way? How would you both cope with this? Have you talked about it? If that doesn’t sound good then
      do you want to be in a relationship with each other and you get extra benefits? Do you want to come home to your best friend and snuggle and cook dinner and be domestic but have a hot lover on the side? That is okay, and there are other people who do that. But a couple of things need to be considered. STI’s, safe sex and pregnancy for one and then secondly and just as importantly emotional intimacy. In my opinion emotional relationships more significant than the one with your partner is much worse than sexual relationship. Can you just have a fun fling on the side?
      You say you both know what needs to happen… then talk about put in some ground rules, make peace, love each other do what needs doing. There is no point living a life unhappy or discontent because you can not step over the threshold of a hard decision.

  38. Amanda says:

    Hi JanC, thank you for your reply. I hope you see this because for some reason I couldn’t click reply on your comment, but oh well.
    I feel bad talking about my boyfriend in this manner, but it does feel good not to feel alone anymore and I’m lucky to have found this site after searching for such a long time. My pride didn’t let me at the time but I wish I would have went to see a therapist a long time ago, and I’m still thinking about seeing one but it feels like a lot to do and I’m not sure that I need it anymore. A therapist isn’t the same as talking to someone in a similar situation as ours, but I think they deal with similar matters more often than we think so it could be a good thing, and it’s nice to talk to someone if not only for advice but to get different perspectives on the matter. Since I broke down and almost left him I have taken myself more seriously, asking myself what I really want all the time. Because it’s been so much bout him I just forgot to listen to myself.
    I definitely love my boyfriend, and I cursed it before but I think living apart from each other has been good for us, at least for me I feel like I needed space to sort out my feelings without him there questioning it, you know? And he seems happier every time we meet as well. I think my heart is finally grasping what my mind has known all along, he is not a different person and he is not a boy. It’s not that I fell in love with a boy who just decided to change into a woman, he’s been a woman (or something between a man and woman because he isn’t sure yet) all along. When he told me this three months into our relationship I got confused and scared because I thought the person I fell in love with was going to change into some strange girl. I’ve never been religious, but I would explain it by saying that my mind got it but my soul didn’t, if that makes any sense. It’s like since our drama, I have taken time to fall in love with his real self, while I was in love with his real self all along. I’m confused, but what I can say with 95% certainty is that I would be okay if he decided to change, and I’m ready to try it out if that is what he decides that he wants to do. It seems like we’re heading that way because when I told him this he got relieved and said that he had brought it up with his psychologist that he had started to think about the pills. But he would only take them if I was ready. If we find out it doesn’t work then we find out, but my biggest fear would be to abandon him in the process, but I think that if we make that step then he will have friends to support him. No not family, they’re quite conservative sadly. Though we haven’t told them so maybe his parents would understand as well.
    I think the most frustrating part was that I had to find out so late, it would have been nice to know that he wasn’t a boy before I made him a boy in my mind. I can’t imagine what you’re going through struggling with this while you’re married, cause you must have been together for some time now. Did you find out recently or have you known for a long time? I would love to hear your story and help you if I can since you said it was kind of similar to mine. Good luck, and I hope my comment was of some help at all

  39. Jane says:

    My spouse has advanced prostate cancer. He was diagnosed 6 months after our marriage 7 years ago. At a follow this year his PSA values show his cancer is growing again. He told me this has triggered his desperate need to be himself. He was so desperate and in November started seeing a therapist. At first I really thought I could handle this. I have a lesbian daughter and virtually all my friends are “LGBT”. But I am definitely hetero.
    As I read more and more about Transgender I realized that Transgender Is not about who you prefer to sleep with BUT who your genetic self identifies to. That being said I feel great sadness for my spouse who has lived his/her life in agony not being able to be her true self.
    She is desperate now to be herself before the cancer takes over.
    It is easy for me to accept the small changes, earrings under clothing things that keep her gender “secret”. One reason is because we live in the bible belt and both work. I have great fear that her job will be lost and potentially mine too. Also, having our jobs will make it easier for her to have her surgeries if her oncologist will approve.
    Personally I have good days and bad days. I will start seeing my own therapist this week. I can not sleep, my good days are ok but the bad days are horrific. I know my reactions affect her liberating herslf because she is trying to protect my feelings too. Some days I want to help not only her but also the T community and promote help and awareness to make a difference. The next I am sure I will move on. But the excitment I see from her and how wonderful she feels when she is more “her” than “him” is beautiful.
    However, my true self does not want him to transition. I am afraid for him/her, us and me.
    Today is one of my better days.
    Tomorrow who knows.
    JanC

  40. emptyspouse says:

    The way I see it from outside is that this is a nice friendship, but not a real full love when you have good sex, good communication and you feel completed and balanced. So as painful it might be you might need to look for somebody else.

  41. Ashley says:

    This is very helpful. My fiancé has told me that he has been questioning his gender for a while. He has been hiding it, worried it would ruin our relationship. I am fully supportive, but concerned about how his family will be. He still isn’t fully sure and I am wondering how I can help him realise who he really is, one way or another.

  42. E says:

    I met my husband through what I thought was fate, a random conversation, talking on the phone all the time, met at the beach of my dreams with my family by my side. (We lived in two different countries)

    We get married, a month after he tells me he always wanted to be a girl.

    Never in my life had my heart broken, never been one to suffered depression, never once did I consider taking my own life. When he said those words, I experimented those three things at the same time.

    I have been trying to get over it, we have a baby girl, but I am religious and my family (which i adore) they would never accept this, my dad could get a heart attack, my mom would cry and hate him for what he did to me.

    I, myself, felt betrayed and hurt for him not telling me the truth before we got married.

    He hates his mother, she is a fanatic christian (the most dangerous kind, for this sort of things) She will never forgive him and she might try to take our daughter away if she finds out.

    He has started to talk to other trangender people and to do his nails and his hair and I feel like in drowning and For the longest time, I couldnt understand how someone could be so selfish.

    But now I understand and it pains me even more that he feels this way, that he despises his beautiful body so much, growing up with a mother that cherished her daughter but no so much her sons was very traumatic for him too.

    I want to help him, I love him. But I don’t know what to do, the hormones he is taking are self prescribed and he has pain all the time but wont stop taking them, Im terrified he is hurting himself and he wont listen to me because he thinks i only want him to stop but i would be alright if he saw a doctor.

    I can’t do this to my family, I cannot, but I don’t want to leave him, I love him.

    Does anyone have any advice on the matter?

    I’m desperate.

  43. Jill says:

    Here’s an interesting one…met my partner at the local bar in her femme persona. Was drawn to her from the first meeting, decided to date her and was told I must meet the boy self as well. Boy self was fine but the courtship was between her and I. We decided she move in, but was overwhelmed by boy from the get go. The desire to adopt the male role, even though this was not wanted or needed. Our relationship suffered and I would beg for the girl I had fun and fell in love with. Approaching the two year mark I was pretty much faced with marriage to the boy self with visits from the girl. I agreed, but wanted a course of therapy and hormones to make sure all conflict was addressed. After a few awful weeks, and a final verbal blow to my self confidence, I decided to end the relationship. But to my surprise, the girl has decided to live. She wants me and it’s been hard, blah blah. After two years? Of support, love, acceptance? Now, after I’ve decided I’m not going to be the doormat anymore, she wants me. How does one rectify this? She had me, I accepted, she didn’t, now I’m over it. So pissed it’s to little to late for us. The lack of communication and feelings is the deal breaker for me. So sad.

  44. Aimee says:

    I am currently 38 weeks pregnant with my first child, a little girl. My boyfriend told me several months ago that he wanted to be a girl. In fact, I’ve known it for almost our entire relationship. I didn’t believe that one day he would really want to go through with the surgery, hormones, etc. I thought it was all a joke. I realize it wasn’t. It’s hard knowing that he’s given me either the choice to a) split up or b) live a life with him as a girl. I don’t know what to do. I love him more than absolutely anything, and I’m willing to sacrifice my true happiness for his own. I’d rather he feel like the true person he’s supposed to be than me have the picture perfect family I’d always dreamed of ever since I was a little girl. I have fears though. I’m straight. How can I be sexually attracted to him once he’s a ‘she?’ What would our daughter think? I really have no idea what to do, and it feels like my entire existence is being taken away from me. I love him for who he is now, what if I can’t love ‘her?’ :'(

    • Kaia says:

      I don’t know what to say other than I hope your spouse loves you as much as you lover your spouse. I’m going through very similar times with my wife, and I’m glad you are talking about it. It is okay to be afraid. And I’m sure glad you are expressing this. Keep supporting her, and keep looking out for your own emotions too. I wish you the best, and hope you are doing well.

  45. kiwiWife says:

    Hi all,
    I feel the best way to describe how I feel is that I feel very raw, like a fresh wound…just having found out my husband is transgender ….
    I am married to my soulmate, best friend and wonderful father to our blended family of seven. We’ve been married for 18 years. My husband started to change many years ago, suttle things, shaving..arms, legs etc just one thing at a time. He said he didn’t like to be hairy anymore. Then the hair, kept getting longer and he wouldn’t cut it. The streaked..he was once black..over time its now long and blonde! Then came the hormone patches…I still had no idea. The hormone patches he told me were because of testicular pain and they would help. I believed him.
    I asked him just over a year ago about the patches and what the follow up was. The patches had caused breasts. He said still on the patches waiting for a consultant appointment BUT that he felt he liked some of the side effects of the patches, the way it made him feel. I was in denial, I didn’t want to know more.
    Now over a year later he has been working away a lot over the last year..one or two days every week or two…
    He sent me a text message last week, very garbled but basically saying the conference he was attending he was going as a woman. The people he had been working with knew him as a transgender MTF. He said please forgive him and he loved me.
    So where to from here…
    As I said at the start he’s really my world. I love the MAN from before last week. Men’s clothes, masculine, man who looked after me.
    Today, I have two teenage son’s living at home. They go to a all boys school. I work in the hospital, its a small community. I grieve for my husband. I want him back. I’ve read extensively this evening… I know its huge for him to ‘come out’ in public as he has. I can’t at the moment, think about calling him a ‘her’, calling him his female name, think of going out in public and yes I do think about our sex life, although this has been very little for a while…
    I wish I could turn the clock back, I don’t know what to do next, how to live without the love of my life…..
    If we separated I’d be lost without him….

    • kiwiWife says:

      I just want to add..I’m 46 and my husband is 56 yrs old. He has been married before, and as I said before we have children. He said this has been evolving, it wasn’t always there. So I suppose this comes under Gender identity disorder (GID), also known as gender dysphoria… but I still don’t understand how its only come about in the last maybe 10 or less years.

  46. I love her more than I ever loved him... says:

    Thank you so much for this article… My boyfriend (now girlfriend) told me 4 days ago that she was a girl, and since then I’ve been searching the internet for help, because there are so many others out there like me I’m sure.
    It’s only been a few days but I wonder if I’m strange for this; the days since she came out have been the best days we’ve had in our relationship, and I love her more than I ever have before. And she loves me more too… I think maybe inside, although I’ve been the one with depression not her, we were both a bit broken, and this was why. Because we both knew something was wrong subconsciously, and now we know it was her gender, and this has brought us so much closer again. I love how happy she is now. I love how I can make her cry with happiness when I call her my girlfriend, that she types spams of incredulous nonsense when I tell her she’s beautiful and shouldn’t doubt that she’ll be gorgeous (she’s never had a masculine body but still gets scared she’ll never pass, but she already could with a bit of makeup I’m sure) and just… For some reason I love her so much more, thinking of the life we’ll have, it’s the same dreams as ever but better. We talk about girly things in a way which I’ve never had with female friends, and it’s perfect. Maybe the fact we’re earlier in the relationship (not much over a year) and honest to one another helps us though…
    However, I know this isn’t so for everybody. I basically love her enough that my sexuality doesn’t matter. But there WILL be issues, in know, particularly with parents as we both live at home, the fact that yes, she may change in ways I can’t handle, and prejudice and issues we may have to handle for life. But to everybody else here I kinda want to say, don’t abandon them. I may be strong enough to stay with her forever. But she needs all the support she can get, and if that’s from me as a friend, so be it. I could never just leave, and I know others, particularly those who have been lied to (we found out about her femininity and such together, shopped for dresses, went out in them, all sorts, so I have known all along) have a tougher time.
    I don’t know what the point of this message was, but I guess thank you for this article, and to all those going through the same as me and my bubba, I hope either your love is strong enough that you can continue together, or that you both find happiness apart <3
    Also was wondering, I see many trans help forums and was wondering if you knew any for us, the partners, rather than the transgender one? Going to continue reading your blog, this one post has put me so much at ease even though we were already doing well, it sort of reassured me this wasn't my heart going crazy trying to compensate :) I'm just glad I'm not alone, so much of what I've read so far suggests that most people transition without a partner, but I never want to leave her

  47. T.A.'s Girl says:

    My partner is MtF transgender. I am female and not gay. I love her very much, but I don’t understand her desire to be female and I don’t know how to respond when she says being a woman feels natural. There is no way a man can know what being a woman feels like. There are just some things that are so esoteric to us women that taking hormones and wearing women’s clothes cannot open the floodgates to the female’s world. It is just not possible. To me she acts like a man who is simply into girly things. I don’t mind that at all, but I find it irksome to think she has some insight into being a woman. She asked me to help her in certain areas, but in areas a woman shouldn’t need to ask. I stopped offering tips and “correcting” her because knowing what I think or how I’ve been taught really doesn’t prove a thing. How can I explain it…her brain is still very much male. She won’t marry me until the law in our state allows her to change her birth certificate to female and we can be considered a same-sex couple. We can legally marry now, but she refuses to be listed as the “groom” on our marriage license. So I’ll wait because this is so important to her.

    • Kaia says:

      While I find many of your comments on the transphobic side, I really admire your willingness to wait for marriage. Your wife is female. Yes, she wasn’t socialized like you were, but that nonetheless makes her no less female. For instance, is an extreme tomboy girl who really seems like “one of the guys” any less female to you?

  48. Lizzi Bordeaux says:

    This has helped me quite a lot with coming to terms of my MtF transgender boyfriend. Me and my bf have been together almost 5 years, have a baby on the way and where planning to get married. I knew he had always thought he may be a woman but nothing ever sprung from it so i put it to the back of mind. He recently got a phone call from a hospital offering him an appointment to discuss what he is and what can be done. He goes at the end of the month and I am terrified about the outcome. I love him enough to stay with him and accept it, but it doesn’t make this any easier. He has already said that he won’t transition to avoid losing me and our baby boy, but I feel so selfish and hurt by this as I know he will be unhappy. Reading this has really helped but it all in perspective for me. I won’t ever stop him seeing his son and will even have him at the birth if we find that we can’t stay together. But I love him enough to try.

    • Transitioning is really freaking scary for a partner. I don’t even have children and it’s scary! It is great that you want to try to stay together. Think about what makes the idea so scary for you.. the process? Being in a ‘different’ relationship? Maybe surgery? Or just the whole change? Most people stay essentially the same person, just the female version! It is a long process and the same path is not right for everyone. And if you need to, take time to grieve and don’t feel guilty about it.

  49. Stephanie says:

    Hi I am I just found out my boyfriend who I love is transgender or wants to be I am not sure about the right way to say it I have asking advice from different friends who have points of view I want to be they for him or is it her i find it confusing he said I can still call him his name he going through a hard time with family and I want to be there for him is they any advice you can give me to support him and any information thank you from steph

    • Hi Steph,
      if you want to support your partner it sounds like you are doing a good job. Transition can sometimes be a slow process and it is HARD, so take the time to digest it all. Talk about stuff, do things together that are fun and relaxing and take care of yourself. Names and all that will come in time. Read up about the transition process and don’t be afraid to find a counsellor or confide in a friend if you need help.

  50. Christy says:

    Hey everybody,i need advice really bad in my situation im young and dont know how to feel or how to handle it.I am a female 18 engaged to the love of my life male 28 been engaged for five years and he just came out and told me he has dressed up as a woman and had sex with a man and a woman and that he feels like a woman on the inside for his whole life. Scammed,lied to,disgusted,and just all in all hurt is how i feel.he said he told me because he loves me more than himself,an wants to spend the rest of his life with me and i need to know this about him. All i want to do is cry…my soulmate and first love has been a stranger for years and its just now coming up.even lying about sex , a very personal connection between us i feel betrayed..please help me!!

  51. Anonymous says:

    My partner came out to me as, to quote “would prefer to live as a female” last night. At first, I was in tears. I felt like my heart had been shattered. This is my first relationship and we’ve been together for a year and a half– which, may not seem all too significant in comparison to some, but at 16 it’s a very long time. I love him with all of my heart, and told him that I wanted to do my best to support him through this. But I feel as if deep down, I know I can’t be in this relationship romantically much longer. I fell in love with a man, and for him to change gender to me feels like he’s going to be a different person– though logically I know this isn’t necessarily the case.

    It’s not the thought of suddenly dating a woman that bothers me. As a pansexual, I am perfectly open to the idea of dating, really, anyone of any gender orientation. I’ve been attracted to women in the past, but I’ve always found that the thought of having to be in a romantic relationship with a woman to be something I wasn’t interested in seriously. Also in regards to dating a transgender or gender fluid individual, I would be much more open to it if I were aware if it before going into the relationship. Something which is a lot to hope for, in all seriousness.

    It’s the transition thats frightening for me. It’s a hugely drastic change, and even though I love him, I don’t know if I will always be IN love with him when he transitions to her. I don’t know if I can emotionally handle everything that goes along with it, being that I’m already struggling with severe depression and anxiety disorders. I don’t want to bring him down with my own issues.

    I feel horribly guilty, because part if me hopes that he’s just going through a phase. But, I can’t afford to be so selfish as to continue with the relationship, betting on my own denial. I want to support him through everything, but I don’t know if I’m going to be able to do that by staying in the relationship as it is.

    But I still want to give it a shot. And in a sense, it’s comforting to know now, rather than any later. I’m grateful that he had the courage to tell me. And I feel horrible that I’m likely not going to end up being the person to be his other half. I want him to be happy, most of all.

    • Kaia says:

      Hi Anonymous,

      First, it is extremely wonderful reading someone your age who has great intelligence, proper writing, and is open-minded. At your age, I find it very hard to say “I’m going to be committed to someone forever”, trans* or not. You have a lot of life in front of you, and so does your girlfriend. My advice, for what it is worth, it to keep doing exactly as you need to. Be honest with your partner, as she is being honest with you. Tell her your fears and she will respond accordingly. She may want to stay with you for now and try to make it work, or she may find out that having no real guarantee of a partner will mean she will want to move on also. You seem very even-keeled and open to the changes to come, even if you do have fears for not loving the partner in the same way. Don’t feel horrible about not being able to be there for her as a lover, but thank you for helping her along and being a good person and friend to her.

  52. Wendy says:

    Hi. I am going through my husband announcing he is transgender and wants to have SRS ASAP. He wants me to stay married and be in a lesbian relationship with him after his surgery…… My recommendation to anyone in this situation is to ask yourself what YOU WANT in a relationship. I love my husband as a man and I am not a lesbian so there is no point pretending to be something I am not. The same as there’s no point him pretending anything. So I am not staying married but will support him. Simplify it.
    Even at 56 I feel like I have a lot of life ahead of me and he has a new part of life too. Hopefully happier. Remember – what do YOU want and need? Everything seems to be all about the transgender person. Well if you can’t be happy yourself and have your needs fulfilled you won’t be the person your partner needs and you will also be a wreck! Two people are trashed instead of two people getting a better life. Love and hugs to you all. Xxx

    • anon says:

      Thank you for bringing this up. It’s incredibly important to remember that the interests of all individuals involved in the relationship are valid. I think a lot of people feel guilty for leaving their partner because they’re transgender, because they feel as their lover they’re obligated to stick with them through thick and thin (staying as lovers, more specifically), regardless of how emotionally taxing it may be.

    • Kaisa says:

      I think that this is a great advice. I have been just thinking how I should be more open and accept her(my partner is MTF) just the way she wanted to be. Now I realized that I can also decide to leave, even I love him and the problem is that I love him not her. So now I start thinking that maybe I should really think about leaving. I think that I could never be totally happy with a woman. There would always be something which I would be missing. So it wouldn’t be right to me or her.

  53. Mae says:

    I need some help with something that is confusing me. My husband started cross dressing about five years into our marriage. Since then he has always told me he is a cross dresser, not transgender, but in the last few years he has been dressing more and more and says it’s never enough. I have been supportive, going out with him/her dressed to safe events, buying him/her clothes etc. But I have also had a big anxiety that one day he will announce he wants to transition and this anxiety has affected me.

    Last year I spoke to him about this and asked him to get some counselling to talk about whether he wants to transition and come back to me with some certainty. He saw the counsellor for six months and then told me he is definitely male and would only ever want to cross dress. He was absolutely certain he would never want to transition. I believed him and was relieved, and for six months our relationship grew and flourished because I felt like we both knew who he was and how things fitted. And I was totally accepting of that.

    Last week I took the day off work and we had the most intimate and loving time, and I finally opened up and told him about something that I have kept hidden for our whole marriage. I totally trusted him and made myself vulnerable to him.

    The next day he went to his counsellor for a regular appointment and came home, and was suddenly very cold and distant towards me. I asked him why and he told me his counsellor suggested he transition for a year and see if he likes it, and he is considering doing this.

    I was stunned and said “what about all the things you said to me six months ago” and he got angry and we had a fight that has gone for two days. When I asked him why he decided he wasn’t going to transition last year, he said that actually he hadn’t even discussed the subject with the counsellor until now. He said they had talked about other things last year. So I realised that he had lied to me many times about this, and the decision he made last year was just a lie to keep me happy. I am totally exhausted and my eyes are swollen from crying, and I feel so shocked and depressed. I am also starting to get paranoid feelings towards him that I don’t know are reasonable or not. Like last time we had a fight my cat disappeared and I wondered if he did something to it. I feel like I’m going crazy.

    Also I’m worried about his counsellor because he knew her 20 years ago in different circumstances, and when he talks about her his voice goes soft and he seems to follow everything she tells him to do, and when I asked him if he loved her he said he considered her to be like his grandmother. I have never viewed a counsellor like a family member. Should I be worried about that? Or is that normal?

    I don’t know what to do.

    • Dear Mae,
      I think it is important to assess what YOU want. Do you want all of this uncertainty in your life? Do you want to live with someone who is going to transition? Do you want to support him/ her in this process? If you know that the answer is ‘no’, then you do not have to be in this relationship.
      If you can not be yourself in the relationship with transitioning hanging over you, you will never be happy in the relationship.
      Lying to a partner is never okay and if you do feel uncomfortable with the counsellor that just raises more red flags. Transiting in a relationship has a lot to do with trust, acceptance and openness. These are the founding parts and if you have massive doubts that you can’t talk about now how will you do it in the future?

      • Mae says:

        Thank you for your comments. We have decided to end our marriage and remain friends. Not sure how to untangle everything and he is still living here, but hope to make some progress in the coming weeks.

  54. Sheo says:

    I’m so confused with what is happening.
    My fiance has recently told me that he wants to be a woman.
    He wants the full ..process (sorry, i’m not so familiar with the correct terms yet), but he is still too afraid to “Come out”, and he is afraid that he may regret his decision later on in his life.
    If he decides not to do it… i know that he wouldn’t be happy.. and so i try to tell him that there will always be people who love him and will support him unconditionally.
    but if he does decide to do it… I’m so very worried about how he will feel.. and how I would feel.
    I’m so afraid that he would feel lonely and un-supported and depressed (he isn’t in such a great mental state, he just got out of his depression a few months ago).
    And I’m so afraid that despite what he says (he has told me that he still wanted to be with me as lovers after the transition, if he does decide to do so. {he is pansexual}), he would have different sexual needs, and would want men.
    I dont know if i can stay with him either way… I cannot see him unhappy for the rest of his life.
    but i can’t sit by waiting for him to tell me that he doesnt want me anymore…
    ..I know that i’m not in such big troubles compared to everyone else…
    but i dont know what to do
    i love him so much
    but i just dont know what to do

    • Hi Sheo,
      It sounds like your partner really needs to speak with someone who is trans friendly, a counsellor, psychologist, or someone from the trans community. The scary thing is no one knows how a transition will work out. You and your partner should read through some blogs and webpages on trans issues. Do this together and talk about all of the issues and concerns, even if it is sad or upsetting. But ultimately your partner needs to decide, independently of you, what he would like to do, then you can work on it as a team. You can’t decide for him. It is really hard to see someone you love so unhappy. Maybe you could go to a counsellor together?

  55. Annie Welch says:

    We have been going thu her transition for a few years now. Surgery is the next step. Some days, I feel like the transition leaves no room for me, other than as a support person. I feel like passing, clothes, helping her find her identity, etc etc, is what life has become. As a couple, we are close..but there are times when I feel swallowed up in it. What about ME? Ive adapted and adapted and supported, and I feel lost. Thats where I am right now, and I am just not liking it..

    • Transition often leaves no room for the supporting partner. The person transitioning can become more and more self focused. If it is at all possible for you then go on holiday by yourself, even if it is just to visit a friend or family member for the weekend. Get away, explain why you are going and have some time to yourself. This is especially important pre-surgery as post-op is a difficult time where you will probably needed/ wanted.

  56. Yesse says:

    HI, my wonderful partner is over a year into her transition from male to female. We have been married for 6 1/2 years. I feel for the people who are having a really hard time with their partner’s transition, but I cannot fully understand it. We always spoke about our relationship as “for as long as it still works for both of us,” rather than “until death do us part,” or “forever,” though we have always hoped for forever. Communication was always a top priority for us both. So, while I have experienced some doubts and unanswerable questions along the way about what the future would hold for us, I have tried to focus on the present moment each step of the way. I was definitely in some state of shock when she came out to me, and it took some time before we both understood the extent of her intentions. And I could say when I paused , right now, I am okay enough with this to be willing to continue and see what happens. I think I might be lucky in that I am attracted to a wider spectrum of people than some others might be, so that part was pretty easy. I have struggled a bit (and still do) with my own gender and sexual identity since my partner began transition, but I have learned that most of that centers around societal pressure and fears and challenges about what others think…so as I educate and examine myself, I am becoming more liberated in my own identity independent of what others might think. My partner and I have experienced new challenges with communication, sexuality, etc, but these are more about our developing relationship that supports each others growth, which is really amazing. I am grateful we are able to share with each other so openly and honestly, and our relationship has deepened and includes ways of connecting that previously were not available. My partner is better able than ever before to be authentic. Checking in at the present moment, I absolutely want to be where I am here with her today! Life is good, she is happy and that fills me with joy, and our love keeps growing. We are heading toward the next big step, and I have no way to guarantee how I will feel after her upcoming gender confirmation surgery. Even today I still keep the option open to at any time decide it doesn’t work for me, but I am optimistic. Overall, we have gained soooo much more than we have lost. I know this is not how things work out for every couple…but it really is possible. It has been challenging to find many other positive outlooks on this topic, so I am thankful to find this page and know I am not alone in my situation, and hope I can find others to talk about what’s awesome about our partners’ transitions!

    • Amanda says:

      That comment made my day, it’s nice to see someone else who is optimistic about it :) me and my partner has decided on something similar, we just go with it and if it doesn’t work out, then that’s tragic but it’s not now and here. We want to be together forever, but either of us can break up with the other any time we want. I have felt uncomfortable about the future not being certain, but now I find comfort in that.
      My partner thinks he/she is mtf on the inside, but hasn’t decided just how much yet, he/she is very insecure and the most difficult part would be how the parents would react. I think the father would take it okay, but am more concerned about the mother. They are both of the opinion that transitioning is wrong and unnatural, they even think that gay couples shouldn’t have babies!
      I am a straight female who is pretty sure I like boys, but right now only my boyfriend. We both only have eyes for each other, which makes it all that more difficult. We never fight, get along most of the time, are attracted to eachother and have creepily similar values and world philosophies.
      It right now feels like we’re in a “dead zone”, or “the eye of the storm”, where he/she doesn’t know what he/she wants, and I don’t know what I want, but until that time we’re a couple who’s very much in love. This uncertainty about the future has ripped me many times, and I have gotten kind of used to it. I am straight, and scared I won’t feel the attraction anymore (sexual, and possibly romantical) but I hope it will all work out. Anyway it’s nice to know I’m not alone and that there are those who have made it. Even if you’re straight like me there should be a way right? It’s not like his personality will change, but there is something about the boobs, butt, and acting like a female that kind of makes me want to run. Should I be concerned or is there a way for us afterall? Sorry about the long comment, it happened ^^

      • Yesse says:

        Hi Amanda,
        I am glad to hear your comment. I can only speak to my experience, but I do think there is hope. You definitely get used to some amount of uncertainty, but with the willingness to move forward and work on things at least as much as you did before, I think you have hope.
        Parents can be tricky, especially if your partner relies on them for anything, like housing or money. Hopefully they would be supportive, but there is no guarantee.
        The “boobs and butt” are happening, but slow enough that I feel like I have time for those check-ins with myself…”Am I okay with this now?” In seeing my partner happy (and more connected to her emotions in general), I have became attracted to the new aspects of who she is, which I connect with the way she looks now. It has become easier (if not easy) to imagine a positive physical/sexual future for us both, though it was almost impossible for me to imagine it at the beginning. Things are good for us right now. Sometimes if one or both of us doesn’t feel like being sexual, we make a point to still be intimate, with skin to skin contact. We both feel it is important to keep physical our connection with each other without the pressure to be sexual. Does my attraction to her make me less “straight?” In my opinion, yes, it probably does. But there is no label I wish to assign to my sexuality.
        The “acting like a female” part is different for everyone and can mean different things. A lot of that might be trial and error for the person transitioning. My partner has gone through a hyper-feminine phase that has calmed considerably. She had to test what was natural for her because she had been blocking what was natural all along. Her goal is to be her authentic self and sometimes that involves weeding out stereotypes who she thinks others expect her to be. I find myself comfortable with her when she is true to herself and uncomfortable when she is not. Some things about her personality have changed, though. Like she argues more “like a female” (which makes it harder for me to win the arguments!), and she cleans more “like a female” (which means more thoroughly!) :) Her core values and philosophies have not changed.
        I wish you good luck!

  57. Kat says:

    Many of the people here talk about how they would miss the physical aspects of having a male partner while their partner transitions; that isn’t my problem at all. I don’t care at all if he has lady or dude bits, because I swing all ways. It isn’t the sexual parts–it’s actually the social ones that get to me. Not only does he have gender dysphoria, but also species dysphoria, and he self-identifies as a furry. So ideally, he would like to present as a female cat. His transition is in its beginning stages, but sometimes he does things in public that make me feel embarrassed and anxious.

    I really want to support him through this transition; he’s been really good to me in our few months together, and I knew he was trans before I ever got together with him. It isn’t even the final product for me; I get anxious about him going out in public dressed as a woman when he doesn’t “pass.” naturally, this makes me feel guilty, but I don’t know what to do about it. :-/

    • It’s natural to feel anxious about it and I bet everyone who reads these pages has a similar story! What makes him not “pass”? Clothes? Voice? Hair? If he is actively working toward changing it then that’s a good thing, it just takes a lot of time. The reality is that most of the general population won’t really care, they will just think your partner is weird or strange, and who cares what they think?

  58. Help says:

    Please help, I feel like I am drowning with the constant truths that my boyfriend of two years has all of a sudden decided to tell me about. I have always been honest with him that I am bi-sexual, I would say though this is a 60:40 ratio of attraction, I have always wanted to be with a man long term. He has always been supportive of this and though he had fears, I assured him that its just the same as occasionally liking anyone from time to time. Over dinner he casually tells me he also has had sex with two guys. I nearly choked, how could I be so hypocritical to think its any different? But it is, wrong or right, a large portion of women have been with other women, nearly all men who have sex with men are gay or in denial. I freaked, and left. I felt betrayed and sick.He said he didnt come from either experience and it didnt feel right.
    Everything went from bad to worse, he emailed me saying that since a teenager he has had gender dysphoria, and wanted to be a woman. Now I’ve gone from being shocked that he might be gay to winded that he actually wants to be a woman. He has since explained that he went about seeking out the answer and went to therapy, took the odd oestrogen pill and twice went out dressed as a women. The more he told me the worse I felt. I wished it was a joke. This man, who I made all my life plans with, who I want to be with forever, is now someone completely different, I cant undo this. He said he dressed in private as a woman every night for about 6 months, would watch porn and feel disgusting as soon as he had come. He said this was a year where he was very depressed. He decided it wasnt for him and threw out all of the stuff. Now I find out, never from him volunteering, but from me specifically asking, that he has had sex with four transvestites in the last 6 years. He said he is completely over it and that since he met me he has not felt any desire to do any of that stuff. He says he wont let me leave because he wants to be with me forever, that I make him happier than he’s ever been. He does love me, and I love him more than anything. I feel like I cant love who he might turn out to be though. Is this a massive risk, to stay with him, to marry him, to have children with him? Knowing one day he will revert or that he could come home and tell me we wants to change?
    I cannot find anywhere on the internet about trans men “getting over it” and truly wanting to be a man, with a woman. He said he will always have fantasies, especially when he gets down. I dont think I can live my life expecting this to happen. Always fearing it. Am I being unfair, he swears he loves me, and I am the only person who has made him so happy that none of his past matters anymore to him. He says it was a “glitch” and blames his parents messy divorce and bullying. And his desensitisation to it because of porn.

    I just need advice, is it truly possible that he definitely wants to be a man? Or is this, too, a phase? One that I am going to regret trusting him on?
    I am so low and depressed and confused now. I love him so much but I cannot see him the same anymore.

    • amanda m says:

      Help – I am a crossdresser who is happily married and who has no wish to transition at all.
      I have to tell you that sadly, ther is very little risk of him ‘getting over it’. I shall go further, and say that his cheating on you – because that is what he has done – was totally selfish, and may well have put your health at risk. You need to get yourself checked out for a sexually transmitted disease. Words are cheap – of course he is going to tell you what he thinks is going to get him what he wants.

      Your trust has been broken, and my advice to you would be to get away from him as far and as fast as possible. That of course is just my opinion. u are in a very frighteng place at the moment.

      I am also going to suggest that you visit http://www.crossdressers.com. This website is a genuine help site, it is not a dating site, a hookup site or one that seeks to promote cross dressing or transexualism, simply to give people who are on the transgender spectrum – AND THEIR PARTNERS a safe place to communicate and to get help with their issues. After you have made ten posts on the site, you can become a member of their FAB (Female at birth section which is – as you might expect – for genetic girls. Let me assure you that the ladies there have all gon through what you are gone through, and I can assure you that they will be a sourcel of endless good support and advice.

  59. Annie Welch says:

    Everything changes in transition, even the personality. My spouse, as a woman, is more gentle, much less driven, more open to others, calmer, more willing to spend money, and less willing to spend time being worried about the future. Some spouses lose attraction for the partner, some do not. Everything changes. At this point, taking it a day at a time makes sense, and being very, very aware of our own feelings and honoring them.

  60. KATIESGIRL says:

    Hi, Not sure really where to start to be honest. Here goes anyway. I have been with my partner for just over two years hes mid 30s I’m late 20s. i knew from pretty much day one that he cross dressed (which i love!). i am female and of the opinion that is doesn’t matter who you love (i don’t believe in labels like gay and straight etc). cross dressing and trans gender are not an issue for me as such, the only thing i can not handle at the moment is the hiding. i know that my partner has been dealing with these internal battles his entire life, which i can understand as i have an alter ego (she is a very masculine female though) Even though i am completely supportive and have never made him feel like its wrong, he still hides. I love both sides of my partner with all my heart and i love our relationship as our alter egos have a great time :-). He has been married before which ended very badly and every relationship since his ex wife has been the same he said, until me. So why now does he feel the need to hide!!!??? he even told me that he wanted to take hormone tablets which i thought was fine, until he went and got them with out telling me and we are supposed to be trying for a family. Lately it feels like hes in a relationship with himself and not me. I have never tried to change him and have always tried to be very open and honest with him, i even go out and buy clothes for them both, at Christmas both of the (him and her) got presents (he told me im the only person who has ever done that). He expressed an interest in having the op but said that he has passed that stage in life and its to late (plus family issues), he asked me if i would stay, to which i replied YES (no reason why i wouldn’t). i don’t know whether sometimes i make him feel envious and angry, because i moan about being a woman all the time (don’t really like it tbh). I just feel very mixed up at the moment not really having anyone to vent this out to! Is he a little jealous and doesn’t want me to carry a baby? Does he hate that i moan about being female? We have discussed having a family and he said he wants one with me! I just don’t know whats all of a sudden happened, hes hiding away! and i don’t know why?

    Thanks for listening guys (little weight has been lifted)
    :-)

    • Mae says:

      Hi Katiesgirl, I’m speaking from the position of my CD/TG husband leaving me two weeks ago so I’m not feeling particularly positive about these issues, but the thing that stood out for me in your story was the sentence: “Lately it feels as if he’s in a relationship with himself instead of me.”

      My experience was the same as yours in that I did everything I could to support and love him for who he was, including buying both male and female gifts, going out in public with him dressed female, and financially supporting him while he suffered depression and stopped working. But he never gave much back in his relationship with me. He was in love with the perfect woman he created and saw in the mirror. As his wife I was always an imperfect, real woman with human needs, and at best in second place, although over time I was not even his wife but slipped into the roles of his rescuer and his mother substitute. His needs and issues became the focus of our entire relationship.

      You need to understand that the woman they create in their own minds and on their own bodies is never needy or demanding and is always sexually available to them. She is perfection because she comes from within them and we are all perfect to ourselves. It annoys them when you moan about the things that affect a real woman in the real world, because they are not interested in being real women. How many CD’s talk about transitioning so they can take on caring or nurturing roles where they give tirelessly to others? My husband certainly didn’t want to become a woman so he could work long hours and financially support me while I sat at home with depression (which, as a woman, is what I did for him). He wasn’t interested in making the sacrifices that real women make.

      Please, don’t get pregnant until you sort out your relationship. Having a child together binds you for life. Also I want to say that the past two weeks of my life without him have been incredibly hard, but still much easier than the past 12 years. Good luck.

  61. Brooke Smith says:

    Hello. 2 days ago my husband came out as transgender. I am so in love with him still & he says he can’t & won’t go through transiSation without me….
    My whole world as changed. We have kids…
    I want to support him.
    Can you give me any advice on ways we can work through this together?
    What can I do to help him?

    • Hi Brooke,
      It is really hard for many partners when their partner ‘comes out’. I suppose it’s a bit like being blinded by a giant truck on a highway that has popped out of nowhere. The lights are blazing, you are stunned and you don’t know what is going to happen next..will you get hit? Do you jump to the side? Will the truck see you and swerve and miss?
      But analogies don’t help you such much right now.
      I have written bits and pieces about talking to your partner. Trying to talk through it is the best idea. Together, un-interrupted, the kids with a babysitter, no phones on, no distractions. Different people will have different approaches to the conversation depending on their needs and wants. What is a priority? Family? Money? Love? Unity? Transition? For you it might be family and love; for him it might be the same. But you need to find out together and talk about options, realistically and honestly. If you are a team make the decision as a team and stick with it and BOTH agree to it. There is NO right answer to this but finding out EXACTLY (or close to) where your partner stands is really important. Many married/ partnered women have given a lot and gained nothing but heartache: they stayed knowing the partner wanted to transition or seriously cross dress BUT ultimately they were not okay with that and hoped their man would change. On the other hand many other people can come to terms with their partner transitioning and go on to have successful relationships during and after transition.
      Perhaps let the dust settle for a week or two; do some reading about it, go on some forums, find out about costs and services near you. There is no hurry and it is good to be informed about it all. There is no right choice for either of you, just choices. Be honest with yourself.

  62. Lily says:

    I am very grateful this forum continues. I first logged onto this site a few months ago, and it helps to see the dialogue continue. My transitioning partner and I are in our 60s, and it is so difficult to cope with a lifetime of socialization. I am feeling grief and loss. I am not sure if we will continue as a couple, or not. My closest friends are supportive of me, but they seem to have some judgmental opinions about how it is to be “seen” with someone who is trans. Plus not understanding how I can be a lover to someone who is not clearly male. Although they understand and support what he needs to do, they don’t really understand or support my choice it seems. Although I don’t think that is their intention, that is what is coming across. That is difficult for me, because in some ways they echo my own reservations. He (she??) has not fully transitioned but is taking hormones. I was raised with liberal beliefs and values, and in general I am open to experience, as they say in the psych world.

  63. Brooke Smith says:

    I live in a small town where we are considered. “The Bible Belt” I have been with my husband 10 years. He came out to me 4 days ago. To say I was shocked is an understatement. I have no one to talk to. I find myself on a roller coaster of emotions. I want my husband happy, but I can’t live my life as a lesbian. We have 4 daughters.
    I am not sure how I am supposed to feel. How do I help him & not loose me?

  64. Tam says:

    Thank-you so much for this amazing article!

    My partner of a year and a half confessed that he is considering going through the change. I will admit this is a very hard pill to swallow.. we are both 23, I adore him. but i will openly admit I am confused and afraid.. I am honestly afraid that we will lose our connection, I am afraid that if I show that i am slightly confused and afraid of the what ifs that he will put it off and decide to not do it just because he doesn’t want me to leave him (he did say that) which i don’t want!

    I want him to be happy.. I fell in love with him knowing that there was something more to him than meets the eye. i honestly couldn’t give a rats ass about society, friends or my families reaction to this if he decides to do the transition.

    What i need advice on what it be a good bonding experience for me todo his make up and hair for him? just to see how he likes being a girl? or is that something i should leave for him to go through on his own? I am honestly very confused on how i should react to this news. i am usally very open minded, The truth is.. if one of my friends decided to transition I wouldn’t bat an eyelid but my lover wants to transition? and i can’t get my head around the idea.. does this make me a horrible person?

    sorry for such a rambling comment.

  65. Nan says:

    It’s only fair to warn the partner of a transgender of the things they don’t tell you, and there are quite a few. First of all a transgender person is, by necessity, completely focused on themselves. It’s all about their sexuality, their appearance, their emotions, their medications, their wardrobe, their issues. Be prepared that there will always be issues. Always.

    If your partner was suicidal or addicted or prone to violence or theft before SRS or hormone therapy, they will likely retain those habits. SRS and HT are not cures. Of anything. You must be prepared to be very strong and very self-sacrificing to remain with a transgender; your own emotional needs generally take a back seat. Now, you may choose that, out of love, and you may grow in many ways through the experience and bring many positives out of that, but you must be honest and realistic and acknowledge to yourself that you have chosen to put your own needs aside. Some can live with that, some can’t.

    Your partner needs a boatload of support and may keep you around for this very reason. Support groups are filled with bruised and heartbroken exes who were kept around only for emotional and especially financial support, only to be dumped when it was time to “try out” the new life and new body with other partners. Your partner may want you in their life as a friend only one moment, and want you back a lover the next. Life with a transgender is frequently mercurial. It’s a roller coaster of emotions.

    It’s especially hard on children. Sorry folks, but your children take a back seat to this. Whatever they suffer in terms of confusion, shock, distaste, grief , anger and rebellion must be validated. You cannot punish them for how they feel. You can educate them and support them but never tell them that they are wrong for how they feel. Also, you will have serious work on your hands to support your children through the changes they see happening. Shower them with love, communicate with them, encourage them to be honest. It’s their childhood and it should be all about them, but when a parent decides to make life all about their sexual identity issues, children suffer the cost of that selfishness. There is no nice way to put this.

    My friend waited until all her children passed their 18th birthday before taking steps toward womanhood. I admire her tremendously for her decision to put them first, because it it rare in the transgender world. She remained a father to them until they were grown.

  66. Savannah :) says:

    Thank you so much for this blog I’ve been with my love for almost 3 years and now my parented tells me he’s a women. Which at first I was shocked but I realized… I love her. If my love wants to be my girlfriend instead of boyfriemd who cares. We grow stronger by the day. And we couldn’t be happier.

  67. Savannah :) says:

    But also I’m scared mostly about the money and surgery

  68. Marie says:

    I’m so glad I found this website. I read all of the comments and I can relate to all of them. I wish I could give everyone a big hug! I’m struggling so much right now because my boyfriend (soon to be girlfriend) is always so busy and we only see each other a few times a week. For him it’s no big deal because he thinks our relationship is strong enough. While the transition is happening I’ve been feeling extremely vulnerable and I just want as much time with him as I can get.

  69. Nan says:

    I just read my own contribution a few paragraphs up and realized how bitter I sound. I am a very strong person and supported 2 loved ones throughout. Our long time friend was inspired by my partner to come out, and I was there for both.

    I supported both of them financially and emotionally. Many of our friends are GLBT and there is a lot of support there, without which I would not have survived. There is no way around the suffering and loss. If you can find a way to live with it, well and good, but even then you must remember that you are part of the OLD life for someone who has embraced the new life. I don’t know if I’m bitter or just realistic about the ramifications to children and family.

  70. LostGirl says:

    Thank you to everyone who wrote on this blog. I no longer feel alone. My husband came out to me last year and is in mid transition. We are divorcing. I am so glad someone said “everything changes when a person transitions- moods, personality, behavior, interests, hobbies, etc.” because it did. My husband said only his outside would be changing. To him it might have felt that way, but as a person on the outside a whole lot changed. I am greatful for the what is best for you suggestion.

    I would really like to know how people handle it with young kids. Pre- school age? How do you deal with school? With telling them? With how the mtf father will be called? With birthdays and get togethers and holiday school events? Bullying is going to come up- any ideas on what to do or how to react?

  71. Nan bEeton says:

    Everyone handles telling the children differently.

    It’s a good idea to get into family counseling and to have free flowing discussions. Emphasis on the word FREE. One thing I see way too often, in friends, is the tendency of parents who tell their children how to feel. How ironic. Here you have individuals who *felt* differently their whole lives, who embrace a dramatic change to honor those feelings, yet they don’t allow their own children the authenticity of their own reactions. If the kids are angry, let them be angry. If they are disgusted – which is common in older children – let them be disgusted! Let them feel what they feel, whatever that may be.

    Don’t tell them they are WRONG for how they feel! After all, didn’t society do that to YOU all your life?? And now, you are doing the very same injustice to your children? I have seen way too many brainwashed, controlled robotic children who can trot out the trans platitudes like any christian kid reciting verses. This is a terrible thing to do to your child, killing off their self-expression to serve your own agenda. I say, let them be fearful, repulsed, angry…let them feel what they feel…and LOVE them anyway. Show them the love and acceptance you want from them, and they will come around.

    It is so much better to let them come the conclusion that you are still their mommy or daddy than have you shove it down their throats. When they come to the place of acceptance unmolested by your control, it is authentic and liberating, and more full of real love and real family connection. My two cents.

  72. feelslikedying says:

    I just found out today that my husband wants to live as a transgender woman. It took 3 days for him to tell me after I found him looking at sexual photos he took of himself wearing women’s clothing. That was the first blow. The second day he admitted he posted those photos anonymously online because he wanted people to see him. The third day he finally admitted the truth. I had already been crying for 2 days, now I feel like it will never stop. When he told me, I stayed calm if not for some crying. He said he eventually wants breasts but wants to keep his penis. He also wants to stay with me, but I fear for how long. I am in such emotional agony and I don’t know what to do. I myself have struggled with depression and despite therapy become suicidal when in high emotional turmoil with our relationship. I do not want to end our relationship nor do I feel I could survive it. I love him with all my heart and we are best friends, he says he feels the same. He acknowledges that we have been through a lot and always come through it together. Between my almost non-stop crying and most of what I have found online I am terrified that we are doomed. This blog has given me a glimmer as well as most of the comments. I just don’t know what to do and I feel extremely alone.

    • You are not alone, there are many people who have been in a similar situation to yourself. It is good to talk about how you feel with people who understand. I too have suffered with a lot of my own depressive episodes. When my partner was really depressed I felt that I just had to ‘put on a brave face’ because otherwise the whole situation would have been to difficult. This is not possible for some people though because the reality is that it can be quite tough.
      My suggestion is to focus on the now and take a deep breath. Transition often is a slow process so you will have some time to figure things out, you don’t have to decide all of this straight away. Don’t put a lot of pressure on yourself. Perhaps try and get away for a weekend or a couple of days so you can clear your head and have some good mental space away from the situation. Be kind to yourself and know that it is alright to cry and be upset.
      I am in the process of setting up a forum so hopefully you can make contact with some other partners. It should be running within the next few days so please come back for support if you need to. There is always someone who is willing to listen and has been through a similar situation.

      • feelslikedying says:

        I would be very interested in that, please let me know and thank you for your words. The crying has actually stopped and a good open conversation between my spouse and I has helped with that along with being able to talk/ be heard on here.

  73. Thomas says:

    First I guess is to repeat what others have said; think about what you want, not just what she wants. You’ve managed to get through lots and you can work through this is you wish to, but just remember the word ‘doomed’ is not necessary. You don’t have to stay as a couple, you can support somebody as a best friend even if not as a lover, right now abandonment is the last thing your SO needs and it seems you don’t want that either. You can never guess the future. There will be tears, but please remember those who come to the internet to talk of their failures are not everybody, so many out there are successful. Those with negatives to say will actively state it and ask for help, those who are happy feel no need so you won’t find them so much. But they exist, only time and talking will tell.
    She’s still the person you love, just with different plans for life. I can’t say I can relate to some of your situation, as my depression stemmed from both of our confusion and distance before my girlfriend figured out she was trans, and her telling me actually made us feel safer. I guess though, as a married couple you may be ‘we’ but you are still an individual and need to put your own health first, a girly getaway with friends, taking up a hobby, it may seem like distraction but knitting sooths and allows you time for thinking without crying, I’ve worked many problems through with yarn in my hands and I would recommend it to anybody.

    And last of all, this isn’t your lives. It’s a part of life, yes, but it does not define you both. Don’t let it consume you, remember there is lots to life, lots to your relationship, there’s the memories and happenings and places you can go and things to see and do and talk about and it’s sometimes hard not to come back around to the same topic but try to remember it. It’ll be a slow process, you can have time to adjust if you need, so please don’t be scared, just breathe deep and let your thoughts process over time, you don’t need to rush to decisions.
    And whatever happens, I wish you both luck and all the happiness in the world <3

    • feelslikedying says:

      Thank you for your comments. It is hard not to focus on the negative stories I have found, there are so many, but I agree with your point. My spouse has also suggested doing some things for me and I think a hobby or something would be good for me so I am going to work on that. Your words have been very helpful, thank you. Reading others stories and the replies to my situation on here have really made a difference for me.

  74. Diane says:

    I have a serious question for those of you that are transgender.
    Is it normal for a trans person (mtf) to go through roller coaster ups and downs (even after wife tell him to stay on medication ) or periods of taking medication, wearing fem clothes , painting nails…. and then all of a sudden change and start wearing men clothes and all of a sudden want to be male. Previously in the past, I thought that his sudden stops had to do with my not being supportive or really quiet or distant. However, this time around , I have been supportive. I have even told him to wear womens clothes , went out a purchased them , painted his nails… you name it. All of a sudden , he now wants to be “normal” is wearing his guy underwear (which he never does) and all of a sudden likes his ” penis”. I feel like this is a big joke…. Like he does this b/c its interesting to see how others respond ( partially how I respond) …. I find it offensive. I do love him to pieces and if this were two years ago, you would have found that I was seriously in distraught about it. Now I am supportive and want him to be happy with himself. I just feel like he is juggling with knives and I don’t think he is real…. with this. Any input based on experience would be greatly appreciated.

    • Hi Dianne,
      as this is a place just for partners of trans people it is preferred that only partners post and reply. This will also be the case with the new forum currently being set up.
      I think that is best if you direct your question to forums such as http://www.susans.org/forums/ or http://www.tgforum.com/
      Both of these sites receive a high amount of traffic and have spaces for partners or SO’s (significant others) to ask questions. They are easy to access and I am sure someone (or a few people) will be more than happy to answer your questions.
      Best of luck.

  75. Rockjock says:

    Thank you kindly for keeping this thread current! I spent most of my sleepless overnight hours reading through all of the comments (scary and benign alike).

    A month ago, my husband of 7 years, partner of 14 came out to me as transgendered. It was particularly troubling timing for me, as we had literally just started to try to start a family. That, for obvious reasons, has been placed on hold.

    My husband is still trying to figure everything out, as he’s buried his issues so deep it’s taking a lot of reflection to get to the root of his problems. I’ve personally have been very clear with him on the boundaries I have on our relationship. The most important ones are no hormones and obviously no SRS.

    How realistic am I being regarding the hormones?

    We both eat a vegan diet (or I actually prefer the term plant based, as it’s not for purely ethical reasons) and I’m very hollistic with my approach towards medical treatments. Avoiding meats due to the unnatural use of hormones here in the US seems and then allowing my husband to take hormones that his biologically wasn’t developed to handle sounds hypocritical to me.

    Another issue that has been eating me up inside is that it seems there is little to no support for spouses. We are a small bunch, I’ll give you that. However, even living in a major metro area in the US there are multiple support groups (close to half a dozen) for my husband but zero for someone like myself. My husbands out of the closet, but I’m now locked into his closet.

    I usually deal with stress through exercise and running. I’m a stupid-crazy person who runs ultramarathons (races up to 100 miles, yes in a single go) and now can’t seem to get myself to run more than 6 miles at a time. When I do, it doesn’t give me the joy it has always brought before.

    It’s been my time to reflect and open up to my friends about the deep issues that are bugging me in my life. I’ve lost that now that I can’t talk freely during my runs.

    My husband used to deal with his closet by becoming a closet alchoholic. I’m not willing to take that route. Any suggestions from the wealth of experience on this page regarding my seemingly unique issues?

    I’ve been with my husband for my entire adult life and can’t imagine a life without him. I just need a good coping mechanism to deal and rekindle the joy I once had in my life not too long ago…

    • Rockjock says:

      Re-read through my reply. I apologize for all of the grammatical errors. I’m only comfortable looking up and posting on my phone, which leads to tougher proof reading.

      Also wanted to provide a few clarifications. He’s told me and has a therapist and support group he’s joined. I have been given permission to tell a mutual friend (one of my running buddies I see semi-regularly but normally as part of a larger group) and a few co-workers so they understand I may be emotionally absent at times to explain my change in behavior.

      I completely understand it’s his decision if and when to tell others. Unfortunately, all of my friends are his friends, as we’ve spent our entire adult life together and have moved around the country together making friends together. Therefore, I have to tread very carefully.

    • Hi Rockjock,
      It is really hard when you have values and ethical considerations that conflict with medical choices and potential treatments. Only you and your partner can negotiate this. I suppose some people would argue that receiving treatment (hormones etc) is the same as any other treatment for a medical disease. For example if one had a cancer (say stage 4 bowel cancer) that could only be treated by aggressive surgery and chemotherapy in order to increase chances of survival, what does one do? Would one go down that path even if it was conflicting with their values around chemotherapy? Some people would chose no treatment and a quicker death, others would have the surgery. It is a personal choice.
      In regards to hormones and surgery I don’t think what your asking is necessarily realistic. Aside from the health implications and ethical considerations, is there anything else that makes you want to say no to hormones? Many people find that hormone therapy helps alleviate some of the symptoms of their dysphoria and erections can still be maintained. If you are not willing to compromise about hormones, how would you feel if your partner gave a sperm deposit and had an orchiectomy instead?
      You need to look after your own mental health and talking it over with people is good. The reality is that you need to accept that your partner and relationship are not going to be the same as it was. Love does not overcome that. Whatever route you and your partner chose probably won’t be easy. It is better to grieve and acknowledge the change in a relationship than to try and recapture something. You can create something different that is happy and joyous, but it will never be the same.

  76. Ella says:

    I have some questions as I’ve recently found out that a guy I’ve been in an online relationship with for three years was born female. I have deep feelings for this man (who has never agreed to meet me in person) and finally last week I decided to do some in depth snooping before I came to a decision about how to move forward with or without this relationship.
    I found his birth records (with snippets of information he has given me over the past three years) which was when I discovered he was in fact born female.
    I have snooped even further and found his facebook, etc, and discovered everything he has told me is the truth … apart from his gender. During our relationship I have never once doubted he is male. There is no reference to him being female (or male) in all the info I have found on him. The name he gave me has been flipped around to make a more masculine name for himself, and he constantly refers to himself as male to me. His appearance is androgynous.
    I really don’t know what to think. I have never doubted his feelings for me ,and the one hand I empathise because this is such a huge confession to make after such a long time, and heaven knows how he would expect me to react. On the other hand I feel hurt and deceived. I’m also appalled at myself for snooping on him, but I feel like I had no other choice.
    The questions I have are these:
    Should I confront him? If he hasn’t told me three years on, is it likely he never will? Have I just wasted three years getting to know and love someone who never had any intention of meeting me? How can I let him know that I would and do accept him regardless of his gender without pushing him to confess all to me? Is there a sensitive way to approach this?
    Forgive me if I seem clueless or stupid, or if this isn’t the kind of post you deal with here. I just don’t know what to do…

    • Hi Ella,
      this blog is dedicated to partners of people who are mtf (male to female) not ftm. There are some excellent blogs out there (see the resources page) that will be able to help you and I really suggest you look at them.
      It really sucks that you feel hurt and deceived. However, think about it from his point of view. He isn’t have a direct sexual relationship with you, you both get on really well and he probably doesn’t want to lose you. It is confronting to reveal a piece of your past when you don’t know how the other person will react.
      If you want to keep the relationship don’t confront him. It will just alienate you both. He probably really does want to meet you but it too scared that you will reject him. If you accept him for who he is then you will need to find a way of saying this sensitively. Have you talked about LGBTI issues before? Bring it up and talk about “a friend who transitioned”. Make him aware of the fact you know about this stuff and are okay with it.
      But really do look at some blogs that deal with ftm stuff. They will be more helpful.

  77. Alicia says:

    First of all I love your site. Like everyone else here says its positive, when all over the place there are only negative answers or your life will be Hell stories out there.
    My husband came out to me about a month ago that he wants to be a women. I honestly didn’t react all that well. I thought about leaving, just getting up and driving away. I got to maybe the end of our street and turned around. He’s been my best friend since we were about sixteen; he is now twenty-two, and I’ll be turning twenty-one in about a week. So the thought of just leaving that person that has been there through everything just isn’t a option of me.
    But he says that everything will be the same, that our relationship will still be the same. Will it?
    I don’t know if I can love him the same way I do now, yes I will always love him for who he is inside, but I don’t know if we can be in a sexual relationship. That isn’t all that matters in a relationship, but what do you do?
    In our future I see children and getting old together, I feel as though that might not happen anymore. The kids part. Yes there are sperm banks, and ways around it.
    I guess is what I’m trying to ask is how fast or slow should I ask him to take this process?
    Or is it even up to me?
    I asked him to do things in small steps like shaving his legs, we did that together about two weeks ago and I’m getting used to it.
    But what about the actual hormonal process, is that a fast overnight change or you will see changes slowly?
    I guess the changes scare me more than anything

    • Hi Alicia,
      Unfortunately your relationship won’t be the same, but elements of it will be. Change in relationships is a fact of life, no matter what. It doesn’t mean it is bad though! Yes, it can be, but doesn’t have to be. It can be beautiful, it can surprise you, it can give you new experiences, lift you up and pull you down.
      22 is really good age to transition and so you have some good things going for your relationship. Instead of dwelling on the future of your sexual relationship think about the now. If sounds like you have a big commitment and a lot of love. So for the moment be realistic and say “I will support you through this because I love you, but I don’t know how I will feel about this long term”. Transition can take a long time but it isn’t up to you. Hormones start to show differences in 3-6months. It is recommended that no surgery takes place till after 18 months of hormones. Change will happen really slowly for the first while, so don’t stress about that. Your partner will still most likely be able to have penile sex for a long time too. So be young and fun and take time. Play dress ups at home, help your partner learn how to shave. Watch the hair grow out and be happy together for the moment. You will know how you feel as the relationship goes on and you will figure it out. Definitely get your partner to sperm bank before hormones!

  78. Oh hi, another one here... says:

    My boyfriend of 8 months told me last night that he is transgender. We have never been intimate, but when the topic came up this time he said he had to tell me something first and this came out…. He doesn’t want to transition until medical science can do a better job of it, but he still DOES want to transition. He wants to lose his body hair and slim down and have a feminine body, and he owns women’s clothing already which he has been hiding from everyone. I would be okay with him having a feminine outlook on life (his gentle nature and soft-spoken nature is part of what attracted me after all) and even dressing as a woman on occasion, but the sex change is not something I can live with. I’m a straight female. I like men and I’m just not attracted to other women physically.

    I’ve been researching almost nonstop since learning this about him and I’ve come to the conclusion that our relationship is over. I’ve accepted this is not a “phase” and I’m not selfish enough to ask him to stay a man for me, nor foolish enough to even entertain the idea.

    It hurts. I love him dearly and thought he could be “the one”. I feel lied to and deceived. I don’t know what to tell my family and friends because I talk about him all the time and they all know I love him, so this breakup is coming out of nowhere for everyone, including me. He’s not ready to tell people about his transgenderism and therefore I don’t feel right telling them that’s the real reason we’re breaking up. He told me he understands if I want to break up. Currently I am “thinking it over” but I’ve made my decision now, I just need to tell him. I hope we can remain friends, even though I do feel very weird about all of this. I want him to be happy.

    All of that being said, I agree with the other people here who say transgenders are selfish. If you feel like a woman stuck in a man’s body then you have no business telling people you are a straight male looking for a straight relationship with a woman! I suppose he was afraid to tell me sooner and I understand that to some degree, but still… he led me on, there’s no other way to put it.

    Another comment above claims that she is no longer even interested in relationships after going through this with her “boy”friend. I feel the same way right now. Men have always lied to me and this is the craziest lie of them all, and the most difficult to swallow. It’s making me question my ability to read people and choose trustworthy friends/relationships.

  79. Me says:

    I’ve been with my partner over 20 years. He revealed he was trans MTF after 13 years together. I didn’t expect that, had absolutely no inkling!

    Says he doesn’t want to transition as it wouldn’t solve anything, but I think he’s def. headed in that direction. He’s nearly 50 and depressed quite often.

    He cares too much about others opinions and doesn’t want to be laughed at. Hard when many people think it’s OK to make fun of/bully trans people. This attitude does seem to be changing slowly.

    I’m just going to enjoy this interesting ride and try not to get screwed up about things by worrying and fretting. I intend to continue to be very nice to him and have as much fun as we can.

    I love my bubby. The future can take care of itself… and I can take care of myself if need be. We all come in to this world alone…

  80. giovannaleah says:

    Thank you! I can’t tell you how helpful this has been.

  81. frankie342 says:

    this can be very hard in a relationship where one spouse
    finds it difficult to be open about subject manors like this
    and that can put them into an very awkward position
    and can be very scary about things even after reading
    other stories about acceptance and self belonging
    on the internet and watching tv dramas about these
    hard hitting topics that can lead peoples questions
    about who they really are issues on transgender
    and homosexuality is those hard subjects to be
    opened in a relationship can be scary for men
    to reveal who they are and that can be hard
    for an woman in the relationship to understand
    but all these solid issues goes right back to
    childhood to see boys dressing up in women’s
    clothing but most boys and guys grow out of
    it but some others can not even actress
    Jamie lee Curtis questioned this and believed
    that she was born a man and could not conceive
    but this is a very difficult topic within a relationship

    Frankie love rock smales

    talkbacker.com

    • Kaia says:

      Hard to see what you are saying here with the lack of sentences. It sounds like you are saying it is “just a phase some boys and guys didn’t grow out of”? If so, this is completely WRONG.

  82. Missy P says:

    Wow This has helped me alot .. My husband has been in transition for about a month and a half. He.. *she* has finally come out to her friends and surprisingly both sides her friends and mine have been VERY supportive. She has just undergone blood tests before starting hormones .. probably in the next week..

    I can offer some insight into Older children as mine are 20 12 and 7 … My 20 year old is 100% supportive as obviously she understands more then a younger child would.. My 12 year old cried when she first was told.. but now she understands that Daddy will still be daddy on the inside… still telling her to clean up her room and teasing and taunting her about everything that a dad does. As for my 7 year old like you said she doesnt care nor does she notice.. Right now he could come down stairs in a dress and the most she would do is giggle and say ha ha daddys wearing a dress… so there really is no point in trying to discuss that with her.

    As for me.. I cried for two weeks. I blamed myself.. for failing as a wife and as a woman .. because before he had come out our relationship was not very good. The therapist even told us that if he had continued to hide it she didnt see us together in say 5 years down the road.
    We hadnt had Sexual relations in almost a year and even before that it was maybe once or twice a year.. not that sex is a huge part of marriage but.. None at all it was like living /sleeping with my brother.. We would say we loved each other.. and he would even attempt to tease and touch me but never following thru and I got a complex thinking something was wrong with me. I had Gained weight over the years and thought that that was one of the big reasons he was rejecting me.. Finally one day in the car i flat out asked him what is the problem.. there has to be something wrong … his reply was that he had more on his mind then sex… and he blew up at me.. so i just stopped asking..3 weeks later he came out as transgender MtF… he was relieved like a weight was lifted off of his chest.. It was very odd at first to see him wearing womens Underwear to bed.. now its just normal..
    He ( I still have a rough time saying she after being with Him for 12 years) has gone out and bought a few female outfits .. and the time table for him to go full time is in about 6 months from now. The only real problems I had a hard time with was him wanting breasts.. But I got over that… after I saw how happy he was.. I couldnt tell him he couldnt do it.. He has NEVER been so passionate about anythng since ive known him and there is no stopping a transgender person once they want to transition because that wouldnt be right.
    I can not comment on how it is when they start hormones.. we have not gotten that far yet.. with in the next week he should be getting them started.

    But I have learned as much as they need support and love and understanding.. They also need their personal space To learn and grow for themselves, and you can still be patient loving and understanding without smothering them. :o)

  83. Jill says:

    Sure don’t “smother” anyone, but you both should be putting your relationship first otherwise it can become mother/daughter or just friends. We all go through changes of self, but to become selfish can damage the relationship, don’t enable that to happen, you will be so mad at your sacrifice. Life is for you both to be happy and make it a growing experience for you both, together, keeps couples together. It’s a journey for you both to grow as a couple, not you experiencing the change in your partner. Time for you to take some chances and grow as a person too, that class you always wanted to take, degree you wanted, hair style you never felt confidence to try. Grow with your spouse, the kids will see it. It is much more fulfilling to join the journey instead of watching it.

  84. Yesse says:

    I just want to pop in and leave another comment on here with my perspective because I am very happy in my relationship. I feel a little bit guilty because, while I appreciate the pain so many other commenters are going through, that is not my story. I do not wish to offend anyone, but do want to offer advice to anyone who thinks it may be helpful to them. I want my partner to be herself fully, just as I expect her to allow and encourage me to be myself fully. I completely understand the need to ask your partner to take things slowly…like, “I’m not ready to talk about hormones just yet,” but I think it is terribly unfair to ask your partner to stop short of being who they really are because of what you have determined as deal breakers. You can let your partner know what you think those deal breakers are, AND continue to encourage them to explore what they need, while you do the same for yourself. If the deal breakers happen and you have not become more flexible or changed your mind, then you can go your separate ways. My advice to both parties (as someone who has been married to my partner for 7 1/2 years, the past 1 1/2 during my partner’s transition after she came out to me) would be parallel to my views on life in general: I believe everything happens for a reason, and if it turns out it wasn’t meant to be, then there IS something better waiting for both of you out there. Though I appreciate that at times things may be terribly difficult, I would encourage the partners out there to embrace the unknown that comes with any change, and the possibilities the future may hold. When my partner and I married, we did not commit to “until death do us part.” We committed to supporting each other in being true to ourselves and our personal and spiritual growth, and staying together for as long as we could continue to do that. If you don’t like my advice, then please don’t take it, but I am happy to say, it is working for us! :)

  85. Sarah says:

    I have to say the comment section… Amazing. After feeling so upset about the blog (hence my first post) all you wonderful commenters have helped so much. The good stories, the bad, the questions, the people replying with advice. This is all wonderful to read and for those links. Thank you. You all have soothed me. Not sure I’ll ever be okay (15 year relationship, most of which he hasn’t been able to work due to mental issues, 2 years ago he told me, only recently has he said he wants to start to transition) but at least I’m not quite so alone / don’t feel quite as much like a bitch now.

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