It is impossible to describe to people the joy and loss of having someone that you love transition. Whether this is your sibling, child, partner or best friend it will make a profound impact on your life.
Whilst there are many positive things about a transition, from helping with depression and suicide, to overall improved happiness and being “more pleasant” to be around, it can bring great sorrow as the person you knew leaves. Ultimately this post is about exploring that sorrow. This grief happens to many people, not just me! And it isn’t to say that transition is bad.
It has been almost 3 years since my partner started taking hormones. Thinking her transition would never work, feeling so suicidally depressed. “How can it work?”, she would ask herself. All I could ask myself was “How can it not work?” If it doesn’t, I lose you forever. And in a way, through transition, I lost my boyfriend anyway. He is no longer. I was so desperate to hold onto someone in that wasn’t static anyway.
Sometimes I want to tell people that my boyfriend died. Yes! I have a girlfriend now. She is awesome and I love her. But my boyfriend DID die and that is a loss that I will have forever.
I told this to my brother and he just simply didn’t understand. He would say but X is still here, it is not like someone dying at all. But there are others whose partners have transition who will say similar things.
I met my boyfriend at university and we both liked each other straight away although he was in a relationship at the time. Several years later we got together. I loved “having a boyfriend”. Brave and strong with big muscles, a sense of adventure, super attractive, riding bikes and being independent. Before we even started dating it felt as if we were a couple.
But then depression crept in and it took over and all of that slowly changed. Before she had FFS it came back slowly and it was the last hurrah. After FFS we went out one night to a special place and burnt her old clothes and kept the ashes. They are his ashes. But she owns this identity and I can never offer a sense of loss without potentially outing her.
I have been going through a depressed patch lately and the other night I had a dream about all the big strong men I know putting their arms around me before my GF came to collect me. It made me realise how much I miss this. How much I miss him right now because I need something she can no longer provide.
Does it mean I don’t love her? No. But it does mean that I have lost something that will never come back.