I can only speak from the point of view of a female who has a male partner who is transitioning to female. For a partner who is FtM I don’t know if I can really be of help but there are some great blogs out there so keep looking….
Ok, so you’ve just found out that your partner is transgender. You’ve got a lot to consider and don’t really know what to think. Maybe you’ve never heard of transgenderism, maybe you feel confused, or cheated, lied to, betrayed, hurt, repulsed and afraid. Maybe you feel ok with it, unsure, comfortable but don’t really know what to do? Worried about your partner, the kids, your neighbours, work, money…… and the list goes on.
Let’s assume that you know what ‘being transgender is’. Your partner has somehow told you they are transgender. You may or may not have talked about it further but you want to know more. You may be wondering what to do.
Excellent resources (more eloquently written than I will ever be able to provide) can be found here: http://www.transequality.org/issues/resources/supporting-the-transgender-people-in-your-life-a-guide-to-being-a-good-ally
Staying together
One of the first questions you will ask yourself is: “do I stay or do I leave?”
One starting point is to try to talk to your partner about it and to find a good counsellor to talk to. A counsellor/ psychologist/ other professional help can talk you through your relationship with or without your partner. It will help clarify your feelings and give you an outlet. Eventually you will need to decide if you are going to stay in the relationship. This may take a lot of time and there is no rush. Ask yourself honestly “do you want to stay in the relationship? Why? What are your relationship expectations? Do you want to be just friends? Why?” Some people choose to move on completely and that, although it can be very painful, is ok too.
(For how to talk to your partner see: https://thetransgenderpartner.wordpress.com/2013/07/03/thinking/
If you can not accept the fact that your partner is transgender then do not stay in the relationship. If you think your partner will change his/her mind and that it is just “a phase” it isn’t. If you think that being transgender is a sin against god and that your partner will soon see the error in their ways, they won’t. They will always be transgender. It can’t be cured and there isn’t a cure so don’t look for one. Your partner may choose to hide being transgender from you if you give them an ultimatum: I’ll stay if you don’t transition. If this is the case think about how this will impact on your relationship (mentally and emotionally) long term. Do you want your partner to live a lie for you?
If you are very attached to your heterosexual identity and don’t want to be a lesbian then that is okay. Not all trans people choose to have SRS/ GRS and that may be something to consider.
If you can not get over how betrayed you may feel, or how angry you are and nothing will ever make up for the hurt your partner has caused, take a break. Think about how you could stay in the relationship, maybe you won’t be able to. If you think you can work through it, the go for it! There is nothing wrong with feeling things (anger, sadness, confusion etc) but holding onto them forever is not helpful.
If your partner is very suicidal and/ or depressed you know that you will never be able to cope with it, don’t stay in the relationship. Or should I say, don’t stay in the relationship if your partner has big ongoing mental health issues that you can not deal with and it will compromise your inner being. If you can stay with them and get help for them and manage it that way, awesome. Transgender people have a 30% successful suicide rate. If your partner is suffering from crippling depression that is dragging you down and making you depressed too, either work out a way to change it or leave. Depression and suicidal thoughts can be alleviated through a transition. If you are willing to put effective support networks in place for you and your partner then power to you and I hope it goes well!
If you are not prepared for the fact that it never ever ends and is part of life then leave. I don’t meant this to scare you either. The reality is that being transgender has, unfortunately, many issues attached to it. Issues surrounding being transgender will/ may go on for the rest of your partners life and implicity in yours too. Repeated: This is not meant to scare you. For a number of years, transition will take up your life in various ways. Eventually this may subside and life will go on. For many it does. For some it takes a decade. Simple things like going to beach without SRS can be a stressful event. Things from the past can be brought up years later. But be prepared for at least a minimum amount of 1-2 years of “issues”. Also see : https://thetransgenderpartner.wordpress.com/passing-and-being-accepted/
If your partner is still unsure about transitioning talk to them about it but don’t try to sway them. Some trans people take a gently gently approach. They are unsure and so will try a small dose of oestrogen to start off with, or cross dress and see how it goes. Others will want to go out as soon as possible. Transition doesn’t happen overnight. It is a long process.
It is NEVER okay for a partner to lie, cheat, abuse (emotionally, physically or mentally) you. That is NOTHING to do with being transgender. That is just your partner being an A**hole. Being transgender is not an excuse to be horrible (and likewise it is not an excuse for you to be horrible either). If your partner wasn’t transgender would accept such poor behaviour???? I don’t think so.
Transgender people are NOT horrible and nasty by nature (some people say selfish in general). If you have a bad experience that does not make ALL transgender people bad.
Children
My partner and I don’t have children. I have talked to a few transgender people who’ve had children and mostly children under about 10 don’t care too much. I don’t know about teenagers… I can’t really comment.
I can however speak as a child of divorce. Please don’t think that staying together “for the sake of the kids” is the best idea. It isn’t. I was so relieved when my parents finally divorced. I was a teenager and they always argued.
If you leave your partner remember your kids still have a relationship with that parent even if you don’t want that relationship and even if you don’t want them to either. Don’t use your children to punish your partner and don’t let your partner punish you for leaving.
I want to stay
Then be prepared for it to be difficult but rewarding and awesome! You may face prejudice, discrimination, lose some family and friends either because they can’t accept it or it is too messy. Unless you have a lot of money accept the fact you will be not be flush for quite some time. Your partner may go through bouts of depression, start having teenage temper tantrums due to hormones, may loose their job and financial security. You will have to make yourself both physically and emotionally available to help your partner as much as possible. It is not a picnic and it will be very stressfull at times. And ultimately….. your relationship might fail in the end.
BUT…..
It isn’t all bad. If you have an accepting group of friends, are comfortable and secure enough within yourself, love your partner and can easily talk to them then you have a good chance. Not all work places are discriminatory and some may even pay for transition. Not every section of society will make a deal of it. My partner hasn’t lost any friends and I certainly haven’t either. I love some aspects of my partner being transgender. For example shopping and exploring new and exciting things together. Some couples can make it through and have it be positive and rewarding.
Will my partner be ok?
This is a really difficult question to answer. Your partner will need all the help that they can get. Every person is different and will need different things. I constantly ask myself this question as my partner gets very depressed. My only answer to this is: do the best you can and “you never know if you never go”.
What do I tell my family, friends and work?
In an ideal world you would never need to worry about this. Unfortunately it is not the case. Most people will be (outwardly) fairly accepting. You will have some negative reactions. Some transgender people move to larger cities with bigger, more accepting and supportive communities- both trans and non trans.
It is worthwhile trying to gauge how the people around you feel about transgender people before telling someone outright. Do it surreptitiously by talking about a “friend of a friend” whose child/parent/partner is transgender or talking about an article in the newspaper. Of course they may feel differently upon knowing someone who is transgender so be carefull.
My partner has a friend whose reactions to transgender people had not always been very positive. But when my when my partner came out to her, she was really supportive. I discussed transgenderism with people before telling them and for me it has been really useful.
How will I cope?
With support from people around you it is easier to cope but I realise that not everyone has close friends and family to lean on who would be supportive in this situation. Seeking out a good counsellor, joining a support group (online or in real life) or starting up a brand new activity away from your partner (so there is space for you) can all be helpful. Not everyone can cope with this situation but it is helped by building a network of people to talk to. And really… there are lots of online support groups out there for partners.
for more info go to- http://www.gendercentre.org.au/trans_person.htm
thetransgenderpartner 
thank you so much for this. MY partner has just started transitioning and most of what I’ve read says there’s no hope for us. you gave me more hope.
Thank you for your blog. I am the fiancee of a Trans woman. He has good times and bad. Sometimes the gender dysphoria doesn’t bother him much, and we’re fine. Someti,mes it nearly kills is both. I love him. I won’t leave because of this. I am committed to our marriage. I am straight, and he worries…ok, i worry too, that i might someday love him, but not be IN love with him. I can deal with him identifying as female inside. I can deal with him wearing womens shirts at home, and even sleeping in a night gown nearly every night. I can’t handle when he talks of hormones and surgeries and hating his male body. I have known for about 8 months, and we’ve had our ups and downs. These past few days have been the worst by far for me. I have fallen into an absolutely crippling depression that i don’t know how to shake. I sob and cry uncontrollable, even at work yesterday and with him last night. I am so sad. The pain of living without him would be so much worse than living with him as her, fully, i know. I won’t abandon him. I just need to get out of this hole before i die in it. Sometimes it feels like the despair could actually crush me to death. I don’t know how to deal with it. I just want my husband, even if he has to think of himself as my wife. Do you have any advice that might help us?
Liz: I feel your pain and frustration. Reading your comment has brought me to tears. I am also in the same boat. I love my fiancee dearly and I love him as the man that I know him to be. It breaks my heart to know that he is unhappy in his own beautiful skin. It pains me that he desires to be “someone” else. It frustrates me that its this way. Outwardly I have supported him endlessly but inside I’m racked with constant emotional pain and frustration. I came here today looking for something, anything at all, that could help me deal with this pain. I’m glad to have found this article and glad to have found others that are going through what I am. I love him “her” so much that I’m not sure I want to ever let go but I’m not sure I’m able to cope with the “issues” that go along with his transition. I’m so unsure and this makes me uncomfortable! I feel like the man I fell in love with is dying and there is just this “new” person in my life. This has to be the toughest thing I’ve ever confronted in my 32 years of life hands down. Hugs to you and others who are going through this.
Liz,
I fell the same way like you, plus I am pregnant and I am so confused, sad, depressed. Sometimes I wish the Universe will have mercy on me and take me away. I am crying because I feel like I lost him and is never going to be the same. I know he will be happy, but it is at the expense of me and the baby to come. I wish he could tell me before I got pregnant and before we got married. It is so hard on my to deal with so many things at once.
I am so glad that there are other people that feel the same as me about this subject. My boyfriend is mtf and you have perfectly put into words how i feel on a daily basis. Sometimes i wish I would have fallen in love with someone else, because i thought i knew who he was and feel betrayed, angry, insecure. Ihave so many emotions about it and
I know how you are feeling, trust me when I say you are not alone, I thought I was until I read your reply. My boyfriend who I’ve known for years and who has always been the man of my dreams told me about a week ago that he is transgender, I want to stay with him, the pain of being without him would be unbearable, but I am straight and that worries me. I can handle him wearing different clothes and shopping in the woman’s section, but I get scared any time he talks about surgery, how will physical “intimacy” work, we’ve always wanted children, but if he fully transitions we won’t be able to. We are deeply in love, and it hurts me to see him being uncomfortable in his own skin, but the issues for our future are still there, also my family will no longer speak to either of us if we go forward with this, we were planning on getting married within the next year and a half and we were going to wait on transitioning until then so we could have our families there but now he’s not sure he wants to wait that long to transition. I’m very confused, I get terrible episodes of depression and panic attacks, but I’m glad to know that there are others that I can talk to and places like this that I can go to for support. Thank you.
What about the despair she feels? Imagine living in a body you cannot identify with and being ridiculed. If she transitions, could you live in a lesbian relationship. My girlfriend transitionrd male to female. I didn’t know her then, but it doesn’t phase me in the least. I love her for HER!
Hi Liz, I realize that this comment is old and you probably won’t see this but if by chance you do I would really appreciate someone to talk to who is in the same position I am currently facing. I’ve been googling through tears for a while now and am just looking for someone to talk to. An exchange of e-mail addresses or even just talking on here would be so helpful, or anyone who is going through a similar thing? Thanks for your time X
Hi, this post is for Liz and Michelle my name is Stephanie and i am a married mtf trans and im just started my transition, i just want you to know that from the other side, i feel bad about how your struggling and i admire your strength and compassion. But i also want to remind you that even though your depressed and sad your husband infact hasnt died, shes rite next to you and she loves you. Being married myself i personally feel trust is key, and if your helping her through this journey then you need to come clean with how you feel so she can help you along as well. This isnt a one way street believe me, my wife woulda killed me by now if it was lol. Dont think that her issues are anymore important than yours because the situation is taboo. She has trusted you with this biggest darkest secret of her life and since you have excepted her, now you have to trust her with how you REALLY feel about it. I hope you work through this and when you get down on yourself or upset just remember the love that you and her share together.
Just by misgendering her and constantly using male pronouns, you e proven how little you truly love her. You’re selfish and have no regard for others, you are doing more damage to her than she could ever do to herself. Misgendering a transgender individual is one of the worst things you can do. Rethink your stance and if you call her ‘him’ once more i would reconsider your marriage.
I have a very simple comment to make: marriage is the biggest commitment of two people’s lives and it’s INCREDIBLY HARD with just the basic issues of money, time, sex, jobs, kids, etc. It’s one thing to enter marriage having faith that you can work out any unforeseen issues that may come up in the future. It’s another thing for a partner to CONCEAL a secret that they are transgender or might be transgender. (All evidence indicates that grown adults don’t just wake up and decide they’re transgender; chances are those transgender feelings have been there for a lifetime, whether openly acknowledged or not.) When it comes to marriage, ones male/female sexual identity is dare I say the biggest part of the equation, particularly when it comes to sex and fertility. Marriage is HARD AS HELL already, so don’t start it with some big looming problem already foreseen!!! I feel very sorry for those here who say they fell in love, got engaged and/or got married THEN the partner started acting transgender. Sexual identity MATTERS and all of our sexual preferences are what they are. No woman should be forced to consider acting like a lesbian for the rest of their lives against their own wishes (because they love the person, not the man, etc.) because their husband or boyfriend decided to be honest way after they should have been. If you’re cool with this and incredibly gender-fluid and tolerant of anything yourself, they their revealing that they’re transgender wouldn’t bother you one hoot. (Most of us are not gender fluid or tolerant of whatever changes come our way.) It’s as if the happiness and security of the transgendered partner are so important that they’ll gladly deceive and ensnare you just so that they have someone, and watch you be destroyed by depression in the process while they check out the women’s isle, because hey, it’s all about them. It’s such a deception, so it’s no wonder that those of you in that situation feel hopelessly ensnared and depressed. I’m so sorry, but if you’re in misery and are stuck in this situation against your will out of commitments you made before you knew the whole picture, I feel you never should have been put in this situation in the first place and this entrapment was done to you intentionally!! There are certain things that we must be completely honest about with a potential mate: whether or not we are currently mentally or physically ill comes to mind, whether we want to reside in a place far away, whether or not we want children and have fertility problems, and the list goes on, including whether or not we are transgendered. It’s called honesty and integrity, which are foundational to any relationship. Once that very foundation is broken, what’s really left?
I feel your pain my husband just told me five days ago about being a trans woman. I don’t what to do I love him but I’m scared. Its helps me talking to him about my fears. I’m just glad I’m not alone. I suffer for depression and anxiety so I would be glad to be your support because your not alone.
If anyone wants to swap emails then please contact me at transgenderpartner@gmail.com and I will facilitate the email swap.
Hello… I’m in your same situation. Except we been married 23 years and have one 18 yr old. My spouse is looking into hormones with his counselor, I can’t be part of that but I do support him in every other way, and I’m not a lesbian so it’s going to be a challenge. Feel free to email me if you like!
I’m where you are. There is no real help for spouses who are staying married. I can deal with most of it but losing our sex life because of hormones scares me, and many turn out to crave men! I sometimes feel like a fool.
Hey Liz,
I completely understand the feelings you feel . I understand the commitment you have for your partner I too feel that way with my partner. My fiancé then, told me he wanted to transition and knows he wants to be a woman the day I got my dress in fact as we were putting it into the trunk . I felt like my whole world just shattered Bc 1.we just had a baby , 2. He is in the military and we just got stationed in Minnesota and we are from New York, 3. I felt like I had absolutely nobody I felt like I was alone and I didn’t know how to tell my mother who was throwing this lavish wedding that my soon to be husband wanted to be a female . Well to say the least ( and trust me the struggle still exists for both of us) we got married in August after seeking the help of a counselor for him and for mySelf and for together . I realized I loved him more for who he was and rather than him just being a male and all of the old world rules of the role of man and woman. I realized I wanted him to be who he was inside and out and he was happier as a woman and that I could accept more than anything . In the long run his close knit of friends knew and accepted it ( and they are definitely Manly men ) but most of all my friends and family as well as his family accepted it (whiched helped as well , even went out with him dressed my brother of all people came along to support him ) this meant so much to me but the thing that helped the most was my 8 yr old daughter from a previous marriage accepted it ! She told him no matter what I will always love you and I don’t care if you are a woman or a man your my dad ! ( yes I did cry, but happy cry) and with all of this decided I was going to move with him and I told him whatever journey your going to take …. we will do together and I will walk by your side ! Then we were married he did decide to get married as a man for me so that I can have my day which I am happy he thought of my feelings as well and it was the most beautiful day of my life but not as beautiful as finding out we are expecting our third !! Yes I do have set backs every now and then and I am still trying to find my role in the whole different type of life but for the most part I am not scared to be his partner and stand by him Bc I know he loves me and our children and I love him ! He supports me when I start crying and yelling and I support him when he is hving a rough time not knowing what to do or how to feel ! There are positive days where we will go shopping together and I will help him with his make up and surprise him with a new wig or clothes. Mydaughter will help as well, and we will have a girls night when our son goes to bed and do our make up and what not and do our daughters make up lol he is in love with the way she accepts and grasps it . Which is helpunng me accept and understand it more . Everything that is a part of his transitioning we do together it helps me understand and figure out where I am in all of this so while I play catch up lol he is on to the next adventure so to say so he has to learn to slow down a pace or two and help me to try and catch up to him . Listen everyday is NOT perfect , but nothing ever is but I always remember that I can find a positive wishing everything I feel is negative and turn it around ! I am madly in love with my husband and my partner and the love grows more and more everyday and I know there was a reason we found each other and the reason I am staying Bc I CANT LIVE without him in any form and if I cry one day and feel depressed he is outside the bedroom door with something to make me hysterical with laughter and I do the same for him ! Ask yourself this one question would you be able to ever live without him as a person not a figure of a person Bc my husband /partner is more and gives more to the relationship and family when he is dressed and you know what so be it if he is happy I am happy life is never easy but god didn’t create life to be easy he created it for you to survive and grow stronger with each other !
I second this, I’ve known for 2 years.
Wow. Your words could have been written by me!! Thank you. I feel less alone. Xx
Hi I really need someone’s help can you email me. Elisaclark1983@yahoo.co.uk. My husband of 17 year has just told me reciently he wants to transition and I’m heart broken.
Hi
I m not sure what has happened to your relationship since 2013 and thank you for sharing your story. I m going thru this with my husband and feel very sad.
Hi Lynn,
Yes. It is tremendously sad. I have felt sad about it for a long time. I suggest that you reach out to some support groups, perhaps on the internet. It may not help to know, but you are not alone. There is large community of people who know what you are going through.
I know. I am right where you are. My spouse hasn transtioned and knows we can’t afford. He doesn’t talk about body dyshoria with me. I had tried to get him to talk more but either he hides it or maybe dressing after work and weekends is enough. I share your pain, especially in the beginning. Wearing clothes and changing I think is where most have the serious issues from what I had experienced.
You are not alone…my heart goes out to you…I’m in love with a male whom identifies as female but hides EVERYTHING. Only I know…and face the very same pain and joy as you do.
I think you should stop misgendering your spouse. She is a girl weather you like it or not. Maybe you should just leave. Sounds like SHE would be better off without someone like you.
Sincerely a trans MAN married to a trans WOMAN.
Yeah, it’s actually pretty depressing to read a bunch of things just flat out telling you that you and your partner have no hope of keeping the relationship, eh?
I can assure you that it’s not true.
There are many cases of relationships where a partner has come out as being FTM, whether it be before or during or marriage.There are even cases where both partners gradually accepted and came out as being transgender, with a successful relationship. Whether they be straight, gay or anything in between or above before or after.
Sure, it is a painful and energy&time consuming process that takes a lot of patience, love, understanding, communication and empathy, but it is most certainly possible. Best of luck to both you and your partner as you both go through the changes of your partner’s transitioning. 🙂 (Which, based on the date of which you left this comment on, has already started.)
being transgender myself, I can say not to listen to any site that says there is no hope. you know who you are and you know you feel about your partner. its as simple as that. no need to over-complicate it, just do your research to understand more what is going on in the transition. I am mtf and my fiance and I have been together 3 years in september. 🙂
hello emily, my trans fiance is named emily too :). i agree with you completely, the people on this page are not thinking about the love they share with their partner, they dont think about what their partner is going through and seeing that it is or can get way worse than what theyre going through, i think they are all selfish people who cant see what amazing people they get to share theyre lives with. i will admit, i was just like them, i was afraid when my emily told me she was trans, but i love her way too much to lose her over something like not having a male body and male parts, they are JUST BODY PARTS!!!! love is deeper than that, the attraction is in the love you feel for the person, not in what they are or how they look. now we have been together for almost 3 years and we are engaged to be married in october, i proposed to her :), it was a magical day. i have been with her, still going through a ton of things with her and i will continue to for the rest of my life…that is love people.
Thanks for that Emily :). My girlfriend and I have been together almost 3 years now and she just recently came out to me as trans (MTF). We’ve been having a lot of fun together with make up and clothes and shaving products. Outwardly I have been really supportive most of the time, and internally I love her just as always but some days I feel sad or angry about it all. One night I was a real jerk to her about her transition and I hope to never do that again. For me I am certain I am going to stay with her forever as long as she wants me. The love and attraction I feel for my partner is just as strong, if not stronger. Our relationship has never been perfect, and it will never be perfect. But we are staying together because of how much love there is, its as simple as that.
My fiance has been implying for a long time that he/she (the preferred pronoun is both) is a non-binary transgender person. It feels like this is going to be a more complicated transition for him/her because the end goal isn’t 100% GRS, and hormones are unappealing to him/her as he/she wants to preserve his/her genitalia to a degree. He/she isn’t sure about presenting fully as one gender or the other, but prefers to be recognized as something in between with more flexibility. Some days, the goal is pure femininity and others the goal is something more masculine with a feminine undercurrent. Ideally, he/she prefers a gender neutral pronoun, but English sucks and our only gender neutral pronoun is applied to objects and has a derogatory connotation when applied to people.
So needless to say I have lots of questions. I am a cisgender woman. Completely straight. Totally okay with my gender. I don’t have empathy on this issue. Sure I wish my boobs were better, and my nose annoys me, but it’s nothing I can’t get over. I know my partner’s stuff isn’t a phase, a choice, or a way of seeking attention: it’s just the honest truth about who he/she feels he/she is, and I definitely wouldn’t want to be alone in the middle of all that. So I guess I am looking for resources for community with like-minded people who want to show love and support and acceptance of their partners, but maybe don’t totally get what’s happening or going to happen.
I don’t need to figure out how to love my partner: he/she is the same person I fell in love with, not someone else; I don’t need help with anger hurt or feelings of deceit because this isn’t about me, it’s about my partner’s journey in defining his/her self and achieving whatever level of presentation of that self he/she decides to aim for, and, to be honest, I know we have had open honest communication from day one. If anyone can direct me to a place to commune with people in a similar mind state and maybe a little further along, I would really appreciate the input.
Many people use forums and message boards when they first discover their partner is going to transition. Unfortunately there is not much “follow through”, even on boards like Susan’s Place. There might be an email group (like a yahoo group) that is for partners, but I have never been able find one that was useful. Often there were not enough members or information being posted.
I think there are lots of partners who don’t really understand what’s going on. The intense dysphoria and dialogue of “I hate how masculine my jaw line is- can’t you see how ugly/masculine it is??” “I feel so bad a I can’t leave the house”, unfortunately, is common to all transgender people and I doubt many partners understand how bad it is.
I know of quite a few people who have only “partially transitioned”. Some have had minor facial feminising surgery such as a nose job or jaw line done. Other have just taken hormones and been content with this. There are so many ways to go about it. I really don’t hear of many people who are in relationships and in your position.
You might find the most useful thing to do is to find a group for partners that meets in person. Even if you have to drive to a different city/ town to meet up with them.
Sarah, try this community – https://www.reddit.com/r/mypartneristrans – my partner found it very helpful
Hello, I realize that this response is almost a year later, but the Oxford Dictionary recently has begun to use “they” as a singular pronoun for “a person of unspecified gender” ( https://en.oxforddictionaries.com/definition/they ) and argues that it has been used as such since the sixteenth century ( https://en.oxforddictionaries.com/usage/he-or-she-versus-they ), which yourself and your partner may find worthwhile to look into.
There always is hope if you love each other
Thank you 🙂
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my boyfriend is a trangender too, and once this had this conversation my perspective changed…
bf: do you love me enough that you would stayed with me if i get all my head burned, or if i lose an arm?
me: ofcourse! (because i really do)
bf: then why wouldnt you like me with hair and make up?
the make up and long hair will not bother me, but the lack of his testicles and penis and chest hair do, I love him physically as well not just with my heart.
Hey this is how I feel, losing the maleness of my husband is not compatible with how I want a marriage and an intimate life. We have just started this process and he wants me to be his lesbian lover afterwards. I am not lesbian, no matter how much I have loved my husband as a man. I want and desire male:female intimacy………….
My boyfriend is transgender and the part that I too think about, is missing his penis….not in a perverted way…….I too love him physically as well. I totally get it….. He is wanting to do full transition and yes….I wish he didn’t want to go that far….I only found out not even 48 hours ago so I’m still a bit surprised. I am grateful for people sharing………I actually know someone else that is MTF so she’s helping me/us also.
Maddy, I hope you got out of that relationship because if you are a heterosexual female you will never be satisfied or happy with a person who does not have male body & living as a lesbian.
Breakups are hard but remember you will get over it.
This is what my own personal convulsion was after going through oral cancer and have a slightbdusfugment in my neck. I lost part of my tongue. Today you only know if you see my neck looking up from a chair. It’s mild considering my cancer was stage 4. It made me think about how things happen and how we change sometimes beyond our control and how loving someone for how they are is truly real acceptance which most of us can’t do. We Day we can buy really many can’t. Society pressure is a huge.
Indeed. This is true love.
I get intimacy, i get splitting up, but imagine if the same rules would apply to cancers, accidentS, mental health or even just bad streak of luck. I get all really, but splitting up and showing off this way is a really terrible place to be on receiving end when we are most vulnerable and expect some support from ppl that should have our back.
Ive said something similar but It not only didnt change a thing, but made it worse. Shes now even colder than before.
This really helped me, thank you! I’m a divorced Mom of 3, who has met the love of my life. She happens to be MTF, and I’m trying to find advice on how to explain this to those who really are need to know, like my children. Information is sparce out here in the Midwest, I really appreciate your openness.
I fell in love with a mtf transgender and he just started a year ago we met online a month and a half ago I am with him now he’s the most wonderful person . Loving and so understanding
My boyfriend of a year and a half just came out to me that he likes to cross dress. However, he always talks about how relates to women much more than men and I think he may really be transgender, but he is afraid to tell me. And he has a good reason. He knows that I want to have a family with and marry a man; therefore coming out as transgender and eventually transitioning will certainly end our romantic relationship. However, he is my best friend; and he will always have a place in my life as my friend. I’m actually already beginning to come to terms with his gender issues (that he is still denying or just not telling me) and I’m trying to figure out a way to help him come out. I love him with all of my heart and I will support him in any future decision he makes about his gender, but I doubt I could continue a romantic relationship with him. How did you make your bf feel comfortable enough to tell you the truth?
Hi Chuckie,
I will start with your last question first. I guessed that my partner was transgender and asked outright. I think that this took the pressure of him (at the time) to tell me. It was a relief for both of us. His/ Her previous gf did not want her to transition and ultimately that was the reason they broke up, so it was a gamble to tell me. I guess in some ways this is similar to your predicament.
Early on I decided that no matter what I loved my partner and would stay with her and help her transition because I really loved her (and still do!) and she needed help and love and support. I wanted the best outcome for her and if we had broken up I would still want to be friends.
My partner sperm banked just before starting hormones. This was really important to her because she wants biological children of her own. So that is a possibility. I think my partner regrets not doing more than one sperm bank though, just in case something happens to it.
Lastly, you don’t have to continue to be in a romantic relationship with your partner. Sometimes love isn’t enough and you have to give yourself permission to be sad about it and be real about it. Being friends is awesome and if you want to marry a man then that’s ok.
Transitioning will often change then bf/ gf relationship dynamic and the more “manly” things your bf would do can be diminished greatly. Transitioning doesn’t mean SRS necessarily (but often it does) so sometime penetrative sex is still an option.
For what is it worth, and it’s just my opinion, you don’t have to break up immediately if your boyfriends is transgender. Find out first if he is and then take it from there. Some people who are transgender don’t want to transition or need a lot of time to make it happen. Find out first and then give yourselves options.
A long reply, but I hope it helps.
Thank you for taking the time to respond! Yes, your reply does help A LOT. I’m still not sure how to spark the transgender conversation though, but you’re right. I won’t be quick to end our romantic relationship, because I’m not sure if he would actually transition from male to female due to cultural, religious and family reasons. And I’m actually okay with the cross dressing and it is absolutely not a deal breaker! Once I completely understood that it didn’t mean that he was gay (which he definitely is not), I didn’t mind it.
In the end, I just want him to be happy with himself and right now I can tell that he is not. He seems to slip into these deep, dark depressions and it just kills me to see him hurting like that. Also, he always talks about feeling so different and alone in the world. I just want him to know that he’s not alone in this and I support him; however I know he’s going to want to know if I would stay with him sexually and romantically if he did decide to transition. Right now, I can’t honestly say “yes,” but I want him to live his life to the fullest and not worry about me. Should I lie to reassure him that it’s ok? But if I do lie to him, and he decides to transition, he will feel betrayed if I leave him romantically. I’m just all confused and emotional and conflicted right now…
I think that is important to re-assure him that, at the moment, nothing is a deal breaker. Especially if he chooses not to transition. It is really difficult to see someone so depressed but often talking about it can alleviate the burden which is one of the reasons why I suggested that you bring it up.
In regards to breaking up….. The unfortunate reality is that the permanent status of any relationship is not given. There is no guarantee in love. Ever. One may have the best intentions; marriage, kids, nice house and realise they just fell out of love with their partner or want something more in life. Someone may fall for someone else. People grow apart, argue, die….. the list goes on. Does it mean we shouldn’t try? No, because when relationships are good, they are great and we love them for that. We will remember the good times and the laughs and you can take that with you forever. You don’t have to give an answer about breaking up. You don’t have to lie. You can just say you don’t know or that you want to talk about it later. The first step is to ascertain how he feels.
If he is so wonderful keep him as a friend and be supportive but start dating so that you can meet the real man of your dreams who will help with your wants and needs.
I’m a transwoman who builds houses and me and my partner provide for each others wants and needs. Sure things can be hard but we love each other and are a team. Perhaps helping your partner find her groove and get her life working again will make both of your lives more awesome. The thing is when a person can finally be themselves you will find that they can really shine.
The truth might not be there yet.
Splitting up is fine, just have his/her back. Show you care, not your back.
being trans (me) is very difficult. when you and your spouse discuss, disagree, gaps in romance increase… blame starts to set. communication breaks down… you start to stress out… you get depressed… it takes a toll on both… so as my spouse (gg) gets in the car and leaves. I go into the bedroom and cry… nothing happens… nothing gets resolved…
I’ll be upset the rest of the day. You love who your with, and you find it unimaginable to be without them… but there you are… alone…..
Lisa,
being trans is hard. I am sorry that your partner has left you. Perhaps you could try couples counselling? Often the pressure of transition for both parties is hugely stressful. It is good for you to both acknowledge that. It is good for BOTH parties to seek outside help (through friends, counsellors, doctors, family, support groups and other trans people) as much as possible to spread the burden of the stress. Spreading the burden of the stress will put less pressure on your relationship.
I found hopes after reading your article. I nearly broke up with my boyfriend when he brought out that he wanted the transition forever. But later on after a deep consideration, he said wouldn’t change, but still would like to try the hormone(Progynov) within enough amount that we both can agree, and will not stop the testosterone. Once we think it’s enough he will stop. meanwhile, i allow him to wear girls clothes at home an sometimes at night outside, but will present as a boy when with me outside and work. Then i decided to stay in this relationship based on more understanding, communication, respect and support I want to be with him forever so i don’t mind if he has some female characteristics, as long as he won’t change sex entirely and within my comfort zone. I am just worrying that he will be addicted to the medicine and cause destructive consequences. Also, even if we get married, how would I explain to the children? I really want to have a family with him.
Love.
Your partner is sacrificing their own happiness because you can’t make a decision. Why should you decide what they get to do? Your partner is allowed to do what makes them happy, or your love for them is conditional.
Look, I don’t mean to be rude, but ‘you allow’? No one should have to wait on someone else’s allowance to be who they are. And you’d better get ready for the very strong possibility that the measures you’re comfortable with aren’t going to be enough: that one day your BF is going to want to make a full transition. If you can honestly live with that, fine. If you can’t, that’s fine, too — but the time to end things is now, not a wedding and two or three children down the road. You can be a loving friend and a real support to someone without being romantically involved with them. Yes, it will be painful to bring your romantic relationship to an end, but it will hurt a lot less than what’ll happen if you don’t get out of each other’s way.
Most people don’t have 100,000 dollars. If your not rich, I won’t worry about it. Unless he would take up huge Medicaid bills and be devious about it. So I won’t worry too much. Most will just dress. We went to therapy and it helped a lot. May god be with you.
It doesn’t cost millions of dollars usually most medical insurance will pay for most of it as long as their doctor and their therapist state that it’s medically nesessary for their mental health and well being which it usually is. Not all trans people are the same … some are just happy with dressing … and presenting as their desired gender … others are extremely anxious about their dysphoria and are discusted by their body parts and want them gone . Not all of them have surgery that doesn’t make them less trans then the next person . Being transgender does not define who someone is As a person.
i’ve recently been in the “i wanna fix this” stage because i’m transgendered and despiraetly want to save my marriage she married a man for god sakes, i’ve discovered this about a year ago -we’ve been together 10 years and i thought she knew i wore her clothes and she even did my make-up a couple of times when we first met and i showed her:we married anyway: she thought it was a phase so did i -just some kinky thing i did- man was i wrong and the depression is to much.Can’t be myself can’t hurt her anymore and don’t know what to do Almost feels like theres no hope. Shes miserable if i do ,i’m miserable if i don’t. Dressing is the reflection to the person on the inside and displaying it on the outside.Its the only comfort there seems to be! without it we are suppressed and thats dangerous for us because theres already to much on the inside already
Why not compromise?
There is no compromising … let them be who they are… if not you run the risk of them doing something to hurt themselves or leaving.. it’s the sad truth.. you can not ever tell a person they can’t be who they were meant to be
emily, my wife and i are together for almost12yrs we’ve defeated everything in our relationship until this it has literaly came out of no where and now were struggling to hang on we are treating this as a phase in life and not something worse-personality disorder-maybe we are in denial but i just can’t throw away almost 20 yrs as friends and marriage on a disorder .shes told me that she would be there for me if i thought i had to live this way,we started out as friends first and then the relationship got romantic-we married-all the while i’m wearing her clothes and make-up.i thought she knew this was a stronger part of me than i realized guess i was wrong cause now its trying to destroy everything-it’s my only hang up- my God i don’t even drink-i need some friends i can’t make it through this on my own—reach me at vicctoriadayne@gmail.com always open for emails
to be honest here lets dig down deep and say no matter what “I Love You” to our other half because thats why we got with them in the first place and if this ends all then you still have love and love conquors all!
I’m married and recently told my wife, I’m transgender/ intersexual.
I have klienfelters syndrome also ( xxy) genes.
so I’m 40 yrs of age, agreed maybe I should have done this at 16/18 yrs of age.
If you are in NSW Australia, try Dr Larry Brash.
we all need to start somewhere.
Thank-you
Yay for this blog! My partner is getting ready to come out to friends and family, and to begin her transition, and I’m so glad to find resources like this online for myself as her partner. I know it won’t always be easy (and may be very hard sometimes), but I look forward so much to the day when she no longer has to have “boy days” and pretend to be the man she never really was anymore. It’s great to know that there are blogs, sites and groups where I can get advice on how to be a good partner for her especially during this time, and where I can go to vent my feelings if and when I ever need to. Thanks so much for starting this, TGP.
Found out two months ago why my best friend who is my lover and ex is a transgender who is just beginning his transformation. I’ve been having a hard time dealing and my heart is broken. I still support him and i want to marry him even with both of us walking down the aisle in wedding dresses, but he didn’t want a woman; only a man. He wants a man and the reasons why he wants a man are irrelevant cause i can do all those things that he is looking for in a man. And it’s hard cause he knows i love him and still want to marry him as he is.
My best friend turned out to be transgener as when we first met on a dating site he/she met me as male and on our second date told me the truth, I felt like my heart has been ripped out and find it hard been with them as they are going through the hormones now and by 2017 will be female altogether as will have had surgery also, She has also told me she is only attracted to men and has no fellings in anyway for me at all. I have tried for over 2 years to be supportive but i feel once the transition is complete i can no longer stick around it hurts too much as i fell in love with the male side and the only way to move forward is break the friendship even though we act more like a couple. I think you should look in your head and heart and decide if you can do this be with this person for the rest of ypur life. I can’t and it’s the only way my life will improve if i move on.
I’m feeling very hurt although I feel as though it is wrong of me to feel this way. After my boyfriend and I began getting serious he told me that he cross dresses. Not an issue for me necessarily, however he told me that he loved being a man. But I did something I am somewhat ashamed of, I looked through his internet history which was mostly sites regarding SRS, trans related articles, mtf. I know in my heart that he will not talk to me about this, but I feel like we need to take about this, I do not want to be dragged along without ever being told what is going on. I am sorry I’m a mess. I just do not know how to approach him to even begin a conversation. Any advice?
Hi Annie,
Talk to him and ask him. Find a time free from distraction and when you both able to sit down for an hour. Talk to him about it in a kind and loving compassionate way. Don’t get angry and try not be to be upset. Write some points down beforehand so you don’t get lost. These can be practical things like “I have read a lot about what it means to be transgender can you talk to me about what it means for you?” to re-affirming things like “I love you and I want what is best for you”…. but in your own words. Don’t say “I know you are transgender so you have to tell me” or “if you don’t tell me the truth I am going to leave you.” Ask leading questions like “I don’t mind if you cross-dress but I want you to talk to me more about it” “Do you see where this will go in the future?” “Are you interested in other things?” “How do you feel about transgender stuff?”
It is important to know how your partner feels because it impacts on you a lot.
Thank you so much!
Annie,
You should see the good part, you are not married and not expecting or having kids! You can decide now what you want to do. I am pregnant and just found out about my husband, it is the worst time ever and I wish I could know about this before things got here.
I wish I would’ve found this article five years ago. I met a guy who I thought I would marry. We fell in love very fast and had a passionate relationship for the first couple years. He liked to cross dress once in a while and I was trying to keep an open mind. Then, his depression took hold, he had a nervous breakdown and went into counseling. The counselor suggested he talk to someone who deals with trans issues.
From there, everything started to snowball. He joined a Trans group and started dressing more and talking more about being a female. He would tell me how he wanted to lose weight to have a more “girlish” figure. I loved him just the way he was, but he never loved himself as a man. Regardless of everything I ever said, it wasn’t enough.
I was there to listen when he talked about his trans friends and spent time with them, but always felt like I was an outsider. In the end, I think his trans friends were the ones who pushed us apart. You see, most of them are divorced…their wives left them when they decided to pursue this part of their life.I was determined not to be that way…I loved my guy and if he wanted to dress on the weekends with his friends, that was fine. I don’t think I could’ve been any more accommodating.
A few months ago, I found out he hooked up at a gay bar with one of these trans friends. It wasn’t the first time he had basically cheated, but this time was different. This person was much older than him and had pretty much transitioned from Male to Female. When I confronted him about his infidelity, he admitted it. He said kissing “her” was better than kissing me. He eventually slept with her.
Heartbroken doesn’t even begin to describe my feelings. This person that I fell in love with lied to me in the worst way. Especially when I feel that I bent over backwards to be patient and understanding with him. We had been living together and had talked marriage in the past. Granted looking back on things now, I can see where in the months before we broke up how he was pulling away.
What makes me most angry is that he was able to tell me about every facet of his life, but not about “her”. That he was having feelings for someone else that he didn’t understand. That he allowed himself to knowingly cheat on me when I was always there for him.
We’ve been apart a few months now. I left him when I realized that he wasn’t looking at the affair as a mistake. I knew I had already lost him. It was beyond unfair. I knew I didn’t deserve this. I felt scammed..and that this was all a horrible nightmare. I even offered us to go to counseling to try to work on this but he didn’t want to.
To me, it was as if my best friend had died. I don’t even know who my ex is these days. He’s decided to further pursue the TG side of his life and is still with “her”. When I moved out he said there was nothing I did wrong in the relationship, there were just problems he didn’t feel comfortable talking to me about. For months, I wondered what he meant and was mad he couldn’t talk to me. Then I realized…he’s wanting to be in what’s basically a homosexual relationship as his current mate still has a penis.
Despite my anger, I still miss him. It sounds ridiculous I’m sure. I was confident I had found THE one. He decided that the only women important in his life is the one he portrays…and the one he cheated on me with.
I often wonder if we will ever talk again. Maybe this is because our breakup pretty much blindsided me. I honestly don’t know who he is anymore and feel like the man I was with has died. I keep hoping that I’ll hear from him that he misses me..but as the weeks and months go on, I am starting to feel this will never happen.
For those who may read this and may be at a crossroads in their relationship, my best advice is to do what is best for YOU. If your mate wants to be a different gender, let them go. I gave up five years of my life at a crucial point and am so angry with myself for doing that. I’m working so hard to get my life back on track. In some ways I hate him for basically stringing me along for 5 years, Don’t let yourself be robbed like I was. I now have NO interest in being in a relationship…probably because I put EVERYTHING I had into this relationship even though it was never equal.
Due to all of this, I have zero tolerance for trans people. Based on the ones I have met, I feel as though they are all extremely selfish people. They don’t care who they hurt…as long as they’re happy. My man really did have the best of both worlds but was too stupid to see that.
I am really sorry that you had such a bad experience. Not all transgender people are selfish. In most groups and sub-groups of people there will be pockets of selfish people. They can not see that they are being selfish. It doesn’t make it any less hard for the people they hurt. It isn’t something specific about being transgender.
If my partner, transgender or not, had cheated on me like that I would be furious too.
Perhaps seek some counselling or find a friend to talk about this stuff with.
I am hearing you on this one! You helped me make a decision to leave the relationship as I could see it turning out the way it did for you. i have hurt badly over this and I dont want any more hurt. I am now rebuilding my life and making sure my kids are ok.thank you for sharing!!
Wow your story sounds very similar to what I am going through. I am having issues with the honesty and the fact that I feel like I was lied to for 8 years. Now with two children I am on the brink of divorce because I cannot handle this. My husband who is MTF has begun taking hormones and making myself and the kids uncomfortable. He is miserable when he isn’t in his female form so I just want to end it and move on. Its upsetting because I feel like all these changes were made prior to him knowing me and just came out later into the relationship. I feel used and abused because I put like you everything into the relationship, at one point I packed up and left my life to go be with him. Almost 11 years of marriage and I feel severely betrayed. I agree most transgendered people are selfish and have a disregard for those they hurt, including their entire family. I am sure that there are some that are truly good people but right now I am not feeling that.
Thanks for sharing. I accidentally found out when I found a receipt for the hormones. He says he may stop them to keep me and his friends but I have my doubts because he won”t be happy with himself. He says he didn’t know how to tell me. I get that but when was he going to tell me? How could he think that I would be okay with his lies and decisions behind my back? I am on day 3 with this surprise and feel like I am in a nightmare. I don’t want to lose my husband but definatelly do not want a wife.
You should be happy it ended this way, you could be married and pregnant. You still can rebuilt your life. Good luck!
i am sorry to hear that she treated you that way but all trans people arent selfish cause iam mtf and i am not selfish my partner left me but i understood she couldnt see herself living with me as a female but it would have been nice if we could stay in the relationship but it wasnt meant to be. And know we are both happier and i am not angry anymore i am starting to be the real me
I been married 21 years. I just recently survived stage 4 cancer. My husband at 57 years old feels he must now see an counselor to find who he is… After all this time. He said he can’t make me any promises… And it may take years to figure out who he is. So I’m moving into the spare bedroom… He can’t move me in their fast enough. I feel like dying. I thought about it but I have to be strong for our child. Who is 18 now and told me I’m like the old shoe ready to be thrown out. My poor daughter has had to deal with his moodiness and selfishness he Blames on his identity disorder. He told me it was only a fetish for most our married life. I’m 51 and in poor health now… I have to worry about him being dud donated against now, losing our health care… Etc. my heArt I literally torn in half and he durably care. Yet all I do is feel bad for him…I must start to think of me. And my poor child who is also depressed over this.
you are not alone here. Not being good enough anymore is very hurtful. I think it’s important to be ready to move on an not expect too much out of the relationship anymore. You will be constantly disappointed.
What your spouse did is what both sexed and everything in eteeen can potentially do to you. I do get the “ Trans” friends and bar science and how that could been what help end things. We are not into the bar scene and my spouse isn’t really open enough to hit on people. We are a older married couple for 24 yrs now. I’m so sorry your significant other was a cheater. Cheaters are awful people. Those friends were bad apples, I had relationships with straight guys who friends had ruined our relationships. When I married it was operant to me to marry someone who puts them first over their friends. I fully understand why you now have issues with things being trans. But do realize this happens with straights just as much. Men can get very vicious when they are divorced from a woman who took the home and children cause they cheated, they too get into cliques who women bash and try to get their married friends to ditch their wives or at least to try to get them to live like single men again. This is why we both have each other mainly as friends and we have coffee associates, for now. Going very slow with friends and mates is extremely important in a world where people more often than not use each other.
I read this, It didn’t answer the question I was looking to answer but I just wanted to comment and say I’ve been with my partner for nearly five and a half years it’s not always been simple but we’ve got over the bumps- and I’ve know he’s transgender for 5 of those years- I had a good drink the night he told me, got over the shock asked some questions and supported since – he’s told both our families- and a small selection of our friends but although he’s had some therapy he’s too scared of societal judgement and that of his own family to take it any further – it does put a strain on a relationship so it’s definatley not for those who are unsure. About the children being involved- we have a 3 and a half year old currently she’s too young to explain anything too but I’ve already told my partner when she’s old enough it will be his choice if and how he tells her- She loves him either way and she’ll love him as mum or dad – Please remember when considering children- changing sex WILL NOT change how they perform as a parent – He is amazing and if he decides one day to make the transition She’ll be an amazing mum.
My (MTF) is 16 yes she is young but that’s not the issue I love her so much and no matter what I always will romantically im just afraid ill loose the sexual attraction to her because i feel i swing more to the men’s side but i love her so much and dont want to live with out her ever things have been tough and i really care for her and love her lots i really need help and tips she hasent dressed like a woman yet but im trying to get her too because i know that it will utimatly make her happy even if it means not being with me but i WANT and NEED her i love her sooooo much what are step by step’s I can take with her so that i can get through this i dont understand what to do. please help me
Dear Fellinlovewithaboy: Your story is much the same as mine except that I married him and as soon as the I dos were said it was pretty much over. I went through some of the same things as you. I am now 3 years post divorce/split. I feel much the same as you about entering into any other relationship as I was put through the ringer emotionally. (I wasted a total of 10 years) I will, however, say that I have come to this determination: How can a person who professes to love you ask you to accept them for who they are and allow them to change when they themselves can’t accept us as we are. They in effect are asking us to change the core of who we are and what we want so they can be who they want to be. I was born in 1960 and raised with women’s lib, what happened to “you can do it all, be what you want and don’t settle for anything less than what you deserve?” Keep those thoughts in mind. I tortured myself for 2/12 years before I finally got to the point where most of the anger was gone. There is nothing worse than having someone sell you the fairytale then say “oops so sorry to have misled you”. You think you have found the love of your life and it is all lies. I know, been there, done that. He also abandoned my 4 year old grandson who had his mom and dad abandon him only to fall for and think this person was his “real dad”. He would not even put on a pair of jeans, tennis shoes and t-shirt and “pretend” for a 4 year old because what he needed was more important than what the child needed. If they took my grandson away and told me I had to dress up as a clown and call myself Sue I would for the sake of the child. Most people struggling with these transgendered issues if they are reasonable and of sound mind could make that sacrifice. My grandson still refers to her as “my dad” even though there has not been one card, birthday gift or christmas present. My grandson suffers from attachment disorder because of all these selfish people who choose their demons rather than him.
I have chosen to accept that I can’t ever trust again enough to put myself out there for the possibility of love. At this point in my life the person who deserves my time and attention is now 7 years old. I don’t think I will risk getting involved again just because I don’t want him to get hurt again, he is only a kid. But that is me.
Hope this helps a little, I found that there really is no support for us exes of transgendered individuals because as they say “we can’t open our minds and accept them for who they are.” There really needs to be something to help us get through the grief of losing a loved one. It is like having a missing person that is never found again, always wondering what could have been, and why. Unfortunately, they can’t tell us why either.
Doryland,
Thank you for your post! I agree that there is no help for the spouses of the TG. I have been looking for solutions and try to think rational about what do I need to do. I wish we could talk, and form a support not only for TG but the ones suffering after their actions.
Maddy, I hope you and your baby are happy and coping. My husband and I are coming up to our 23rd anniversary this year. I had no clue at all he was m/f inclined until several years after we were married, when I caught him wearing my underwear. A few times he tried to tell me, but was so oblique, saying things like he wasn’t happy with who he was, that I took it as general depression, and packed him off to the dr for anti depressants. He WAS depressed, but it was because of frustration. He grew up in a very traditional family, who packed him off to see a psychiatrist. Their conclusion was that if he could live on his own as a female for a year, then they would start transitioning him. He wasn’t able to leave home, so his parents just told him to cut it out. He was from overseas, and was my siblings pen friend. She invited him over here to attend her wedding, and we met. It was instant attraction. We just clicked from the start. He returned home but we kept in touch for ten years before we met again, and he proposed. I loved him dearly, and said yes. His family were delighted, but when I later found out his history, I was furious with all his family, and with him. He said he didn’t tell me before we got married in case I said No. Hearing this after 6 yrs of marriage, and he asks if I would have said no, I told him I didn’t know, as he never gave me the chance at the time.
Every couple of yrs now his female side takes over. He shaves off all his body hair, and tries to walk like a woman, dress up in men’s clothes that look feminine etc. he goes to town on the housework.. What’s really bad and gets me most upset is that his personality completely changes. He doesn’t care at all about the effect it has on me. He doesn’t want a lesbian relationship, he goes off sex when he’s like that.
We have two teenage daughters with Autism and Aspergers. Saying that my leaving would be OK for them is not true. My greatest fear now is that when (if) they leave, he’ll just do what he wants. It never ends though, Maddy. I’ve told him he made his choice when he asked me to marry him, and I married a man. I LOATHE transgender ism. (EDITED)
When a child is 4 I definitely feel serous comprises should be made. It’s sad that he is suffering. My spouse will not dress in public and toned it down around the house for her sake. Selfish people come in all sexes. I seriously suggest counseling. It helped us. We stayed together and our family has healed much.
I found out my husband was transgenderd a year ago.He told me five days later that he planned to transition. He just moved out without any explanation. We have been together 11 years and have two beautiful children together. I tried to stay with him and salvage the marriage and think about if I could go on this journey with him. I searched the internet looking for answers. Eventually I found them within myself. The reality is I married a man and i dont want this in my life and the uncertainity of it all made me very unnhappy as all the compromises were mine to make. Transgender stuff aside my husband is a very self centered, selfish man who has little or no regard for how this lie and deception has affected the rest of his family. I truely loved him and he never really loved me. I stayed with my husband to stop him transitioning. I have just let him go because I was so unhappy and was sick of living with this disregard he had for me. I wasted a year of my life trying but I can tell the kids I did everything. I need a man in my life to live with. My husband never gave me the relationship I wanted ever as he has massive empathy issues and compassion issues. So much going on and I am so much better with it out of my life. I’m not saying I am anti trangender people at all, I just dont really want it in my life and I feel good having made that decision. He will always be around and he will always be the children’s father but it just doesnt have to be in my life! Thanks for putting this page up it did help me to make a final decision!
The issue is that your spouse is just self centered and cruel to abandon you. Not that she was trans.
No, I don’t think the issue is just that her husband is self centered and cruel. I have been with a man who hid his transgender issues from me for years…we have been together for 14 years. The relationship started out good and he was kind, compassionate and giving. However, in the past 6 years or so, I have found female clothing and boots he has ordered from Victoria’s Secret, swimsuits, texts to transgender support groups, have found him hooked up to a breast pump, pumping milk, infatuated with making his breasts make more milk, experimented with hormones he ordered online and taking testosterone injections prescribed for him due to a low testosterone count, taking vitamins to increase breast milk production, texts about how to hide his enlarged breasts on vacation at the beach, landfill not admit he is transgender to me. He stopped having sex with me about 4 years ago and is NOT one to cuddle, hold or kiss me in the past 6 years or so. He has used chronic pain as his excuse, as he is now 64 and has had chronic pain issues as well, so I wasn’t sure what was causing his low sex drive. I miss intimacy, being held, kissed, etc. I have told him many times how difi ult this is for me and have cried because I feel lonely. It just isn’t fair for him to only have his needs met and for me to feel lonely. He has never admitted to being transgender. He hides his cross dressing clothing, but I have found it in his presence. He get very defensive and will not admit transgender issues. When taking testosterone for low energy fatigue which is prescribed by his physician, his body turns it into estrogen! I feel deceived, lied to, cheated out of intimacy and no sex for about 4 to 5 years. Is that not selfish?
Thank you so much. My Fiancé has just decided to go through with transition and I couldn’t be more proud 🙂 She’s way happier than I have ever seen her! She’s mtf and we’re getting ready to start the next steps in the transition, first with the facial feminization and going from there. This really helped me. I am not going to leave her, she’s still the same person to me 🙂 I just wanted to thank you again for this article 🙂
I wish I could have your attitude, but I just can’t be in love with a woman! I feel sad and guilty that I am not that person to accept him the way it is, but it’s just not my nature the way his nature is not to be a man.
I am a mtf transgender, I came out to my wife of 8 years, 2 years ago, when I had realized who I was and came out to myself. I had always felt something was up with my gender, but could never truly understand what it was. She had known of my cross dressing, not understanding it, but excepting it. She is supportive of me and we are very much in love. It scares me daily she will fall out of love with me, but there isn`t anything I can do about this. I can be miserable and depressed as I felt inside before or go forward and be happy. I am on hormones and yes my body is changing, we are working on this together. We talk about our feelings and are open about everything. I don`t feel the need at this time to have any surgeries, but at this point I can`t answer that. There are many things to deal with ahead like coming out to my adult children, but I really don`t have a choice. I don`t want to hurt anyone and disrupt our lives , but this isn`t a choice, it`s who I am. For those wives or partners of transgender folks, if you love your partner, it will work out
I sure hope so!!! How are you and your wife doing?
We seem to be doing well\, thank you. I`ve decided that I have to keep moving forward for now, meaning, not hold back on expressing myself.. For Christmas she gave me gifts of colorful clothing knowing I would like to wear them in public. The plan is to slowly come out to family by wearing more feminine cloths and so forth. By now I know family members are wondering, we`ll see.
This site is a huge help. I don’t feel so alone anymore. My fiancé and I have been together for two years. He didn’t tell me he was transgender until almost a month into our relationship. It was really hard for me to deal with, and still is hard at times because I identified myself as heterosexual. So many questions and fears arose when he told me, and I had to reevaluate myself….he never really hid it from me but I just always though he was a “feminine” male…so does this make me a lesbian in denial? We want to get married and I definitely want children but it’s been hard for us to conceive but he’s 26 and wanting to get his transgendered therapy and hormones started ASAP which means we will most likely be adopting. I do love him with all my heart and am ready to support him however he needs but it’s still hard, I still worry that I may not be strong enough to be in a marriage like this and if I’ll ever get used to calling Him/ Her. And on top of it I feel bad for even worrying and questioning because if I truly love him whatever he decides to do I should accept no matter what right?
Dear Daphne,
I am glad you don’t feel so alone anymore. I think having a partner who is trans and/ or transitions can be so isolating because it is so hard to find and connect with other people who have experienced this.
Partners find it really hard for all of the reasons you have outlined. It is lonely, uncertain, questions how you perceive yourself in a relationship and how society sees you, can feel like you’ve been living a lie and question whether you should stay in the relationship.
I suggest that you look into sperm banking for a number of reasons. 1) transitioning with a young child or children will be really really tough. Having a baby means you must dedicate your life to it and transitioning can be so demanding too. Don’t take on too much. 2) If you are having trouble conceiving then you made need “help” anyway. 3) It is really hard to transgender people to adopt in certain countries. Some countries do not let same sex couples adopt at all. Sperm banking does not necessarily cost that much.
I think that you need to sit down and think about what you want your life to be like. If your partner wants to be really passable then you will have to deal with the lesbian issue. Being in a lesbian relationship is not like a hetero one. There is no big snuggly man, no social familiarity, social cues change. Your partner’s identity may change and your social and personal identity may too.
I have said this before in previous post but no relationship, heterosexual or lesbian, will be guaranteed to last. It is a fun adventure with two people working together, loving each other and communicating well. Try giving your partner a female name for a week or two and using female pronouns. Just in private between the two of you. See how it feels.
Thank you for the reply 🙂 sperm banking does sound like a good idea and I can be there for my partner now and focus on having a baby when the timing is better. I will also try giving my partner a female name and using the pronouns when we talk to see how well I adjust. I know it will take time but I want to say I tried 110 percent if I ever decide the relationship isn’t right for me.
Thank you so much I needed this!
Hi
My name is Miguel and my wife came out to me a year after being married that she wanted to take T and do top surgery. She said she has always known about it but she was afraid to come out and tell me. Now I keep telling her that she should do it cause it will make her feel better about herself and because that is what she wants. The only problem is ME, I don’t know why but even though I keep telling myself she is going to be the same person I fell in love with in the inside I’m ok with it. But then I freak out and I’m afraid that once the changes start to happen I’ll see her/him differently. I don’t know how to deal with this by myself, I need help cause I really want this to work out but I don’t even know where to start.
Dear Miguel,
I don’t know if I can be of much help to you but I will try. There are lots of resources out there for partners of trans ftm. The reality is that it IS hard to see someone you love change. For some people it is harder than others. Not only do you feel like you are ‘losing the person you love’ but also you maybe losing your own identity as you essentially become a homosexual couple. It’s ok to be scared and to have big questions and doubts.
Read as much information you can about the transition process and what taking T does to the body. Find someone to talk to about how you feel, whether it be online or in real life (like a counsellor). If you can’t speak about it to someone because you don’t have the words or just can’t then do some writing. You can write down a list of how you would feel if you see changes in your partner; voice changing, having to shave, potential breast removal, and that sort of thing. Or you can write about what a transition would mean to you. Writing might help you get a better sense of the “bigness and newness” of the process.
here are some resources that might be helpful:
http://www.ftmguide.org/ttherapybasics.html
http://transmanpartner.blogspot.com.au/
http://www.ftmtransition.com/transition/resources/online.html
http://dirtywhiteboi67.blogspot.com.au/2010/06/truth-about-testosterone-effect-and.html
http://allthevalidation.tumblr.com/
Thank You for the reply and thank you for the information I hope this gives me a better understanding of the situation but you know i’m still scared.
I have just found this page today. Right now I don’t know how I feel. I know my husband is struggling with defining his own feelings right now. He will see a counselor next week and he is very excited. He is depressed and says he does not know who he is and doesn’t feel he is a man. He is lightly touching the subject but he is so very afraid he will scare me with all that is built up inside him. He say’s he loves me and that he is not gay. We went to the counselor for the first visit and they have agreed he will start next week and as he is comfortable either way with his identity then I will be asked to come also. I feel a long road ahead. Right now I am just trying to understand. Looks like I will be a newbe here as I need all the help I can get.
FYI.. He is 60 I am 50. Both professionals in the work place. Just an average couple.
JanAC
Two nights ago I was looking for a mutual friend on my boyfriend’s instagram account and much to my surprise (almost horror at the time) I found that half of the people that he was following were pre-op transsexuals.
I jumped to the worst conclusions (that he was gay, that he wanted to be with pre or post-op MTFs and that he was only with me to hide this fact.) So, crying, I confronted him. He told me that he needed some time to tell me. I tried my best to not ask questions as we cuddled on the couch the whole day, my mind was running wild and I was hurting so badly. So I paused the movie and asked him to tell me because I felt I needed to know.
He then told me that he had a fetish for transsexuals and that before me he had been with a few of them. He also told me that he wished he had been born as a female. As soon as he told me I knew that I would always be there to support him with any decisions he made.
So after staying silent for a few minutes, I asked him a few questions, not wanting to hurt him or overstep any boundaries. He explained that he loved me as a female and only wants to be with me, that he’s not attracted to men but is attracted to MTF’s who still have their original part, and that he wants to put a dress on and have me use toys on him. He then told me that he’s quite vain and knows that with his big build that he would make an “ugly woman” and that it is too late for him to have any surgeries. It was at that moment that I broke down, my amazingly handsome boyfriend thinks he isn’t good enough in his own skin and that he can’t take the steps to become comfortable because he’s afraid of being ugly.
I love him with all of my heart. I want to marry him and spend the rest of my life with him. I’m more than comfortable spicing up the sex life and doing things that he’ll enjoy. But I’m scared that eventually he’ll decide to transition and then tell me that I’m not what he/she wants anymore, I’m even more scared that if he does transition that I won’t be able to handle being with a woman.
He’s at work and I haven’t left our bed yet. I’m hurting for him that he’s held on to all of this for 23 years without telling anyone. I’m scared that this will change our relationship. I’m terrified of him leaving me for a transgender. I’m worried that I won’t be able to deal with all of these changes if they do come.
Any help or love from people who are going through the sane thing would be much appreciated!
Much love,
M.
Let them know they can’t have it both ways.
I have been married for nearly 26 years and never suspected anything. Our marriage had been extremely great until about 2 years ago when he started getting stressed out and blaming it on the workload. But now i know it was because of the secret he kept from me our entire married life and had started cross dressing again when no one was around.Then 1 month ago he handed me a hand written letter outlining that he believes he is transgender and thinks he wants to live as a female full time. The day he told me i said i can not be your wife and support this but i will try as your friend. (Of course this was after i called him a lying SOB and many other things in anger and started packing my bags to leave) I have 3 sons 2 still live at home. He is in counselling. We live in a small country town and because of him we are now moving to the city. I am going to continue to live under the same roof so my sons have time to adjust and finish school. But i have told him outright that if i meet someone i will pursue it even in front of him.
Those persons who say they’re partners are the same person are hugely mistaken. I married a man that was strong and purposeful, played Rugby Union, went camping in the scrub on his own etc. This new person i don’t know at all i have just met her, she is demure, vain and cliche. Maybe one day we may become friends but for now they are a stranger and that means she will have to earn my friendship just like anyone else.. She acts like a fifteen year old teenager prancing around in 5 inch heels and skimpy mini skirts. She is 53 the whole picture is wrong to me.So i agree with the person who said do what you need for yourself. We deserve to be happy too and that includes intimacy. Let him go. Its not easy i still cry daily as i grieve the loss of my husband. Yes as she takes over, my husband is dying.The man i loved is disappearing and I do not love her.
How are your sons handling dad becoming a woman?
I have just learned my son n law is transitioning . I worry about my 10 yr old grandson. This is his stepfather. Does not have a relationship with his bio father. My grandson doesn’t have a good male role model to follow now as my daughter and son n law have moved the family from Texas to Washington state. I need answers on how young boys handle dad becoming a woman
It’s hard but if they have family counseling it can be dealt with and handled well. It’s up to the parents to model healthy behavior that will help them deal with life’s issues.
I have learned to be more compassionate and understanding. I am not happy about my husbands choice but it is his choice not mine. We are doing our best to help our daughter and she isn’t happy either.
However we all love one another and we are all trying to deal with it, accept it and move on. If you do not try to consider each other’s feelings and only care about how you “feel” you will be stuck, miserable and it will tear you apart.
My faith in Jesus is helping me accept. I do not get to decide how my spouse acts but I can pray for and love. Life is very short. I’m glad my spouse doesn’t have cancer like I had. That would be worse. Or in a car accident. Worse things can and do happen.
I have been together with my boyfriend who is uncertain of his/her gender for a year, which fells like an eternity judging from how intense it has been. I’m just going to say “him” because I don’t know either. 3 months after being together he told me he felt like a woman, it was a sensitive moment with a lot of crying and him being really afraid of me leaving him. He was my first boyfriend, and naive as I was I told him that of course I accepted it and that we would always be together no matter what. But It didn’t feel right, as time passed he became more and more feminine, when I asked about it he didn’t understand what I meant. His depression didn’t help a lot either, he has had a lot of suicide thoughts and I was terrified that if I was to leave him he would kill himself. I was also terrified about the fact that he started talking about taking the pills, and that it would only change his appearance, not his personality. I have tried to convince myself that too, but sex with a woman still repells me and god knows how guilty I have felt. Another thing worth mentioning is that I was never allowed to tell a soul, because it is and has allways been his secret, so I had no one to talk to about this. Anyway, it became pretty clear that he wanted to become a female, my depression grew with his until I couldn’t take it anymore. I burst, and told him how I had almost faked being supportive and I was uncertain about my feelings, that I didn’t know how I felt and we had a big fight, we never fight otherwise because we usually understand each other. It became clear to me that he wouldn’t commit suicide if I left him and I felt a small relief from that but we both felt it coming. So I go home to clear my head for a while, when we meet and I’m about to end it he tells me that he has been confused, that he is not a man clearly, but not necessarily a woman either, and doesn’t know if taking pills would make him happier. I feel like he is lying to me and I have confronted him numerous times to the point where he gets upset and wonders why I don’t trust him (I wonder why…). He also says that he fells more at ease now, still depressed but not as suicidal as before, and if I were to leave him he would keep living but become really sad. He also says not to worry because he has contacted a psychiatry to see what the problem is, and that if he is indeed a woman I have a right to leave him. I don’t know I’m just so confused, I still love him/her but fore one I feel like he is twisting the truth for me in fear which is not good because love should be all about trust, and second of all I sometimes feel the need of a “man”. I know it sounds silly but I can’t deny my feelings, I bought him a dress for his birthday last month because it would look pretty and he became very happy but somehow the words “it’s okay ’cause you don’t look like that every day” slipped out. I got mad at myself for even thinking that, he asked me what I meant and I twisted the words and the truth a bit so it became “you can’t look like that because you’re too scared of peoples thoughts, but you should be able to”, but I think we both know exactly what I meant the first time. What really breaks me is that he is my best friend in the whole world, and without him I’m lost, If I were to break up it would break both our hearts a lot and I don’t think we could manage to still be friends, it doesn’t help that we now have a distance relationship because we study. What would break me the most is if I were to leave him and he really would commit suicide even though he promised not to, I just feel that if he is holding things back from himself because he prioritizes me, then he will never be happy. I want for him to, if that’s his wish, become a lovely female with a lovely partner who loves her a lot and doesn’t judge, but like I said I’m so confused and sometimes I just want to end my life over it, I have been on the verge of cutting myself but hesitated because I don’t want people seeing the scar and questioning it. The only comforting thought if I were to leave would be that he is living on, hopefully happy at last, but I don’t want to ask myself in a couple of years “I wonder what happened to ——, I loved him more than anything”…
I’m sorry for the long comment, I just needed to get this out of my system, I don’t really expect an answer, you can even delete it if you want to, this was my way of not loosing it today ^^ with all respects.
This comment make it sound like I haven’t tried, but I have. I even started calling him her, desperately looking for dresses with fluffy skirts that would hide the fact that he has no hips, practicing voices, having sex in different/reversed positions, applying makeup, fixing his hair, putting a dress on him and trying to have sex while he was looking like that to see if I could enjoy it, if I could make myself enjoy it. When It became clear to me that I wouldn’t enjoy it because I’m straight I started making logical reasons that it wouldn’t be fair to him because he wants to be a female, that I should kill my love for him so that I could be with a man in the future. That’s why I’m confused over him suddenly wanting to proceed being a man, is not so depressed anymore and apparently “has thought about this option for a long time”, what? Because a week before he says this, we are practicing how to make his voice feminine! He states that he has indeed thought of this but didn’t want to burden me anymore by voicing it, making me more confused, as he is still confused and doesn’t know what he wants. It helps me a lot knowing he has a psychiatrist whom he visits weekly, that way it feels like he is telling the truth at least. But I remember when I called him my girlfriend, he would brighten up like no other, telling him he looked pretty in a dress would make him giggle, and before I voiced my confusion he seemed… happier. Maybe I should end it simply because I don’t know and I don’t want to take any risks, but isn’t life made of risks?
Amanda,
You tried as much as you could, but it is not in you. I feel the same as you do! I can’t see him as a woman and I can’t love a woman. I can be friends with a woman, but not crazy in love. I like man for all their masculinity and behavior. It is not easy for him, but it’s not your problem to deal with. It sounds like your life is not happy, it is tormented. Is that love? If you are not happy with the changes and if you don’t feel fulfilled by this relationship, it is just a one way love not two ways the way how it should be in a relationship. I wish I would be in your shoes. I am married and pregnant expecting in March and he just told me who he really is two months ago and I know myself, I know why I married him and not a woman. I wish he will tell me ahead of time about this. I know who I am and what I want, when I signed the marriage certificate I did not sign for this. If he would suffer a burn on his face, body, testicle penis I would accept him, but this is different than a burn, it is not just a body change, hormones are going to change him and the make up and the voice and there will be boobs and no penis or testicles, too many changes for me accept as much as I love him and I carry his baby. I know he will not be the same he will be dead, no more of my husband just some reminiscence. I know people change in time but not as much and not as drastic. So I am going to leave him after the baby is born, I wish I could do it now but I want him to see his baby. I thought of just leaving him and don’t allow him to bound with the baby so he will not suffer, but he will. As you can see I can’t even see him a woman. When he talks with me about becoming a woman it is tormenting me, it is painful that I am worried for the baby that will have health or mental problems. On the other hand it hurts me to know he is going through this and I can’t be there for him, I was there for him when he was bouncing around and he would not have the job, but now it’s too much for me to deal with and I also thought of suicide to get out of his way to let him be who is really without adding more guilt on him because he is hurting me and the baby. I was praying to universe/god/demons/angels to tale my life away. But I am responsible for the baby, he will not be able to handle the change, the baby, my pain. I have to be there at least for the baby. I feel that my life is over I am almost 40 and I know I will not be able to trust and feel in love, and I will not be able to look at him as my wife or partner, I know my boundaries I know my foundation. So I feel like I am living with a corps in my house, my husband corps. I want his to be free and happy but that is opposite of being with me. And I hope he will find acceptance and love. I am sad I can’t offer him those and I will live with that guilt but I can’t live tormented like I am doing now. I hope you see that you are more free than you think and your situation is lighter than mine, life is full of risks but maybe you need to analyze the risk before your take it, it might or might not be worthy.
Hello Amanda, I can so relate to you and your concerns and feelings. I know it felt really good to get all that off your chest. I read your post and realize I am not the only one. Rather I relate to yours the most. I am so trying to be supportive yet I don’t know how far I can go. Everyday it is the first and last thought of how I can handle this. Right now I am reading She’s not the Man I Married. So far it sounds like “us”, rationalizing our thoughts and trying to be supportive and understanding. I will be glad to give you some feedback if you like. There really is no one to talk to in our situations
. My husbands therapist suggested I might need my own therapist.
Wow, this is not the life I sighned up for but I’m not ready to throw it away either. I hope you respond. I too need all the help I can get.
JanC
Wow!!! I am NOT alone!!!! I have been married to my husband for over 15 years and have been with him for over 22 years. Two years ago almost to date, my husband came out and told me that he was transgender. He told me this only after finding out that he was having what he called an “emotional affair”. I guess he told me b/c she already knew he was, and was afraid that she would talk to me about it , but only after she tried to make contact with me. Long story short, he has not had any sort of contact with her and we have since moved on past that. Some past info for you: Over the years he had seen two doctors for what he swore to me was due to him having an enlarged prostate. He took many medications and hid most of them from me or were out of sight. I always questioned him throughout the years and wondered if there was more to his taking meds and seeing doctors (that he never made me a part of). I obviously now am aware that he was not being honest. Looking back, while wondering, I remember always telling myself, he is being honest with me… I am sure he would not hide nothing from me. I now know the truth and have gone through many rollercoaster emotional rides and a good 100 or so questions on what’s in store for us, our children ( whom seem to be nothing short of miracles when looking back). I have a long story, but it is really a repeat of some if not most of the short stories listed above. It helps to read that I am not alone, and helps me find the ability to have grace in this venture. I can’t say that the venture is for me the remainder of my life , but it is for now. I love my husband so very much, I love the family we have created and that god gave us. I struggle with finding some sort of comfort in knowing this is what god wants for both of us, for our children. Just seems like a long path of hurt, confusion, and so many other trials and tribulations. I do know that this venture has caused me to look back and question a lot about my husbands character. I find myself split two ways… one very grateful for him being the “man” that he has been and continues to be ( I think it’s probably a great chore for him) and the other way is angry … I feel like I have been lied to and swindled out of his own fears and obligations. I try to imagine how he feels, and how he copes daily with so many different feelings, wants , desires, and with just being a productive member of the society that we live in. It must be so very overwhelming for him. And then I feel like … what about me… what about my feelings as his wife, his friend, his lover, the mother of his children. I am struggling , I am hurt, our sexual relationship has for the most part always been mediocre, and often time not so desirable ( hence my comment on our children being miracles). I find myself wanting to be normal… But really what is normal? I really don’t even know where I am going with this…. I think originally I was searching to find out if anyone out there is aware of the effects of the medicine’s our significant others taking might have on us via transfer of their semen, saliva or blood. Obviously, MTF take large quantities of estrogen amongst other prescriptions. I am interested in knowing if I might be at risk or increase my risk for any sort of cancers, or other things like bringing on per menopausal symptoms or other unknown hormonal or glandular, endocrine diseases by being exposed to hormones in ones bodily fluids for long periods of time. And even more importantly, can he be at higher risk for cancer and other diseases as well.
First I am sorry your are going through this, it is not easy. As for hormones that is a good question for research but I assume there is a little quantity that might come out in body fluids. I also think of lesbians and again I don’t know if research were done, maybe he can ask the doctor prescribing the hormones. I hope you will soon be able to find a clear solution for your relationship, from what I read it does not sound like you had a happy marriage. I hope you will find a way to feel loved, stay happy and have good sex, think about you and your kids.
Missy, one of the consequences of feminising levels of oestrogen is loss of erectile ability. So if you are referring to sex, then the chances are that this will change somewhat unless your spouse is prepared to use Viagra or a similar treatment as well. And of course, if his dysphoria is extreme and he has genital reconstruction surgery (GRS) then it’s gone forever. (Literally.)
As regards your body absorbing oestrogen from his fluids, well, I have never seen any research on this (I study the condition of transgender) so I can’t give you a reference. My knowledge of physiology, however, suggests the following: there may be some transfer but the quantities will be tiny and in any case, if you are pre-menopause, you already have a female level of oestrogen in your blood. Your own oestrogen is produced by glands in your endocrine system. This system contains a feedback circuit controlled by a number of glands but particularly the pituitary. If your blood had elevated oestrogen from ingestion or transfer, your body would monitor this through the endocrine system and make less of its own to maintain the balance. Furthermore, in a healthy heterosexual relationship between a man and a woman, a fair bit of testosterone (much more than any oestrogen that would be similarly transferred in the case of an MtF transgender making love to a woman) is deposited in various delicate parts of the woman’s body and no research, that I am aware of, has ever suggested that women are at risk of male-elevated conditions like thrombosis because of having a lot of sex!
So no, I can’t see that there would be an increased risk of oestrogen-dependent disease like cancer, from intimate contact.
I personally and with the deepest sympathy for you, think you have far greater problems to deal with.
Thank you for this, its given me hope I never had iv been finding it hard to deal with but after reading this has given me a different out look maybe this can work il never know if I don’t try and if I walk awayI may live to regret it and I dont want that I wanna be able to say iv tryediso thank you very much your a grsat help and must say your partner is very lucky to have u
Hello,
This has been a great read for me. I’m an MTF that came out slowly to both myself and my partner over the course of almost 3 years. About 2 years ago, I started seeing a counselor, and decided I’d like to give hormones a chance to normalize myself. The longer I’ve been on them, the better I’ve felt. I used to hate myself so much, and kept it from everyone. I got engaged during this transition process, and 1 year to the day later, got married (3 months ago). My wife and I are finally in counseling together, as she didn’t want to add that on top of her super hectic work travel and wedding planning. She is now needing to start discussing this with her family and friends as I am getting closer and closer to my full time date (have already pushed this back). I’m interested to see if she can find some support from other people who have been through this, both whom have and have not succeeded in remaining together as a couple. I love her with all my heart and really do not want people who think it is selfish of me to need to do (you are obviously out there). I cannot help who I am, and tried fighting it for 33 years! Well, 31 then did something about it. I realize if I didn’t transition, I would do the most ultimately selfish thing and take my own life.
Now we are trying to muster through this, but seeing her in pain utterly destroys me. It breaks my heart. I have a lot of empathy for her. She wants a man, and this is something I can never give her. She is depressed right now and just doesn’t see anything positive about life at the moment. I know sometimes it is hard to see beyond our own depressions, and that there is a future. I’ve been there for multiple reasons so many times in my life. I want her to be happy, and I just don’t know how I can make that happen for her. She loves me, but I fear she will slowly fall out of love with me and eventually end up having hatred towards me. That would break my heart. I’ve given 5 years of my life to her. If this were a choice, do you think I would want to put her through this? Heck no.
I really want Sarah to read things from more viewpoints and hear more positive things from hetero women who are married to trans women. Even if they didn’t remain married ultimately. I want her to know that whatever she decides, this will not be an easy road, and she needs support as I do. I love and support her, but I alone am not enough. Ultimately, it is her decision and her decision alone if she can and will remain with me, and I will not hate her if she cannot be with me, no matter how much it will hurt my heart to see that. I ultimately am an optimist, and think that with the proper support, understanding, place to voice her fears, and work, that we will remain together. You get married out of love, but remain together because of work and communication and empathy.
I just want her to be happy. I love her way to much to wish any pain upon her, but she will ultimately feel quite a bit at my hand. I just want her to know that everything will eventually be ok, and there is another sunshine after the darkness of these current times.
Please help! I’d love to put someone on contact with her. My email is “kaia0132@gmail.com”.
With love,
Kaia
I really wonder what happened with you and your wife. I suspect I know and wish I didn’t.
You said you knowingly married a heterosexual woman while actively transitioning and you were looking for help in persuading her to accept either a companionate marriage or one that would of necessity involve her having sex with a person for whom she feels no sexual attraction. If you did love this woman, I hope you took responsibility for your needs, stopped putting the onus on her to decide your futures and left. It would’ve been painful for both of you, but you’d have been able to do what you needed to do without guilt and she’d have been able to have the kind of relationship that she needs without guilt as well.
.
I suspect what happened is that you went on with your transition and kept her hanging on through a combination of threats — “If I don’t get to do this, I’ll kill myself” — and good old emotional blackmail — “If you don’t stay with me, you’re a horrible person.”
I’m not trying to be unkind, truly. But someone who isn’t ready to transition on their own, if they have to, isn’t ready to transition at all, and in that case, the “it’s either this or suicide” isn’t a statement of fact, it’s just a dramatic pronouncement intended to guilt a partner into staying in what for them is an untenable situation.
And it is untenable: a heterosexual woman wants a man, and that’s the one thing we can’t be. We can look the part and even act the part, but it’s not real, and we know it and they know it. It’s painful to have to leave someone you love because you’ll never be able to give them everything they need and deserve. Believe me, I know. But if you do love them, you want them to have the same freedom to be their best selves that you want for yourself, even if it means it’s going to cost you, even if it means it’s going to cost you what you don’t think you can bear to lose. It’s a hard thing to accept, but the truth is that being transgender doesn’t give us a licence to use people: we have no special right to keep people with us by letting them hope that things will go back to the way they were or convincing them that love means limiting themselves and their lives so that we don’t have to limit ourselves or our lives.
I hope your wife was delighted to stay with you or that you loved her enough to make the hard choices. If you didn’t, please don’t refer to yourself as a woman. A woman is an adult, and adults know they don’t have the right to take up years of someone else’s life simply because they don’t want to be alone.
I am a wife of a man who will become a woman, and the think I can say to you is that it is hard for a cis straight woman to love a transgender man. You should have not married her specially if you knew her for 5 years and knew she is not a lesbian. It takes a lot of real love and strength to see your partner the way it was before, the man he was will be missing and she will not be happy. A lesbian or bisexual maybe could take all the change and would not miss the man, I hope she is one of those or that she will have a lot of real love and just love you as a person, but my experience is not the same. I can’t love a woman, I can be friends with her, but will never feel romantically attracted to her and making love is more than just spirit or flow of energy it is erotic too and I can’t get aroused by boobs I can get aroused by a man’s body hair, facial hair, strong hands, testicles, his around penis his masculine voice and the masculine behavior. Sex is not just for an orgasm it is a moment when you feel completed by the partner next to you as body and spirit. That is not going to happen when you are with a woman. Maybe lesbian or bisexual can explain better what love is with a woman, but not me because I was never interested. So my advice is if you really love your partner to let her go and let her find the real man who can complete him with mind and body, as much time you invested in the relationship it will take more and has very small percent to be successful and happy. That is my point of view.
Hi, My boyfriend came out as transgender about a year ago. We had been living together for about 5 years and were very close, real “partners in crime”. The year that followed was full of fun (as usual) but also included lots of soul searching by both of us, educating ourselves, discussions – some comfortable, some very UNcomfortable, I supported her transition fully but was unsure of if I could continue a female / female relationship long term. I am hetero but was taking it day by day. She began to take hormones and there began some (I believe) hormone induced ups and downs, like bad PMS, it put a strain on us. In general we had less sex, but the sex we had was still very enjoyable and fun. I didn’t know this at the time, but she was being courted by a mutual friend of ours who was bi-sexual and poly-amorous. I know now that for months there was a vibe developing between them, the other woman expressed her feelings for my partner (who I was still in a monogamous, live-in relationship with me). My partner said NO to this person about starting a relationship but the other woman was assertive and ignored my partners boundaries. After a long, awesome vacation my partner and I took, we ended up breaking up, I think it was largely due to the feelings between my partner and this other person. Since we were still living together, splitting up was going to take some time, I asked two things: 1) If you get in a new relationship, you cannot sleep in the same room / bed with me 2) I will not accept a relationship where you have all the fun with another woman and then just use me for all your support, needs, and problem solving. Well about two days later, they were in a hot and heavy relationship and both of my requests were completely ignored. After protesting for about 5 weeks, she decided to move out. Two months later, there are still many of her possessions left at my house! I have many mixed emotions. I grieve terribly for my old boyfriend who is “gone”. I want to support my former partner thru her transition but I am very angry at her for disrespecting me after I gave so much to the relationship for many years and worked with her tirelessly for the first year of her transition (helping with jobs, family, emotions, everything!). I’m also very very angry at this mutual “friend” of ours who disrespected our relationship and my partners boundaries and seduced her when she was most vulnerable. I don’t know what to do, I feel like I can never be friends with the “other girl” and don’t know if I can even be friends with my ex, we are like two peas in a pod but I’m just furious at how this all went down, it didn’t have to be this way. Any advice?
I have been in a similar situation except my partner put the brakes on things before the
other relationship got “hot and heavy”. I understand the betrayal and hurt. It doesn’t matter that your ex-partner is transgender in this situation. Would you accept this sort of behaviour if she wasn’t trans? I doubt it. Anger is not healthy but neither is having the hurt constantly bought up by having her stuff at your apartment and constantly having to deal with her. As much as you love her, she chose someone else and she shouldn’t get to have you too. You need to get on with your own life. You should not have to accept this situation. You may be two peas in a pod but there are other people out there. Give her a deadline to come and get her stuff and get her out of your life or have limited contact. You are not her doormat.
thanks for taking the time to write. this is a very helpful blog for many, clearly.
I found out that my husband of almost 5 years has transgender issues about 6 months ago. At first he told me about it and said that we needed to end our marriage, I don’t know if he said this because he didn’t want to continue on this marriage or if he said it because he thought I couldn’t accept it. A few years back he had mentioned that he had a fetish with cross dressing and I wasn’ t very supportive of that idea, maybe because I wasn’t ready for it. We agreed to continue with our marriage and went to some meetings with a marriage counselor, things got hard and we kind of lost the trust and communication between each other, I felt he wasn’t attracted to me anymore, even though he said he was, he just never wanted to have sex. I left the country for a couple of months as I was trying to get away of this situation and I was hopping things would change. While I was away, he met this group of people that encouraged him about cross dressing, suggested that he should start taking hormones – pretty much they told him to pursue being a female regardless of who got hurt in the process…while I was away he told me that he couldn’t wait anymore to start taking hormones (even though his therapist had not prescribed them yet, he decided to get them online). When I came back he had taken all my things out of our house. When I went to talk to him, I found him so skinny and he looked so sad, he told me he had tried to kill himself a few times since this whole thing had started a month ago, but he was happy that he was finally able to cross dress and feel pretty, but that this wasn’t enough for him, that he needed to have a full transition and that he knew I couldn’t accept that so he was trying very hard to push me out of his life even though he felt lonely and unaccepted and he still loved me and cared for me. I really don’t know what to do, I love him so much and it hurts to see him in pain, it hurts to see that he feels all alone in this world. I keep wondering if I realy can’t accept it or if it’s just the fact that I worry too much about what is my family is going to say if I decide to stay with him. I know he’s still the person I fell in love with, whether he is a man or a woman. I just don’t know if I can be ok with him completely changing to be a female, I do want to have kids eventually but I don’t even know if that would be possible if he has a full change. I am so confused, lost and hurt…and I also keep thinking that maybe it doesn’t even matter if I can accept it or not, because I don’t even know if he still wants me in his life.
Dear Amaral,
perhaps your partner wants you to be there but knows your doubts. It is easier for him to make the decision to not be with you from the start than have your initial support and for you to then leave. Irrespective of your family (because let’s face it, your partner doesn’t have to see your family if she/ he doesn’t want to; i.e. they don’t have to be involved) and children (an easily solvable solution via sperm banking) you must make a choice about how much you will love and accept your partner as they change. You still love him now, so find out if he actually does really want you in his life, chances are he does. Then talk about the issues together. How does he imagine his life in the future? How do you imagine yours? Can you imagine being comfortable in a lesbian relationship? Is he interested in men? Does he see having children as an option? What kind of surgeries does he want? All of this will help you decide if you will be able to be in a relationship with him. Think about what you want first and what you are willing to compromise. Read a lot of other blogs and information so you are completely informed about all the options and choices and relationships out there. Then have a big talk with your partner.
Good luck,
I need help… My husband is almost 50, I am 35 and a very heterosexual female. He told me when dating about his extra x chromosome but stated he had made the decision he wanted to live as a male ok, well I am definitely a heterosexual female and have no interest in being with a female. He did not want to give up achievements, jobs, being a father, and his dream of being a husband. So, we married, no further discussion. Then we stopped communicating and no physical intercourse what so ever. We split up and he moved out of state. After approx 8 months we started talking again and I went to visit. His hair was longer, he had gotten a couple “feminine” tattoos, he was taking hormones, and had made new friends (outside of the town he lived and worked in) presenting himself as female. He was getting over our break up and happy with his new adventures.
Ok, before I go any further I need to clarify something, I am very open minded… My mother has a female life partner, my ex-brother in law is very “out there” gay, I have lots of friends in the LGBTQ community and am supportive. I am in no way homophobic.
Now, we discussed getting back together and “trying” small things to explore my comfort zone. The tattoos bothered me but I got over that quickly. We paint each others toes and have went to have pedicures together. No problem. We’ve even went to the salon and got our hair cut and colored and had out eyebrows waxed etc.
One day, he comes in with his hair down, kinda unisex cut but long, with french tip fake nails, and women’s tennis shoes. It was her coming in not him…. And I got sick. I am attracked to men not women and here is a woman standing in my bedroom.
Then there is the sex issue… I read through some of the previous posts and didn’t come across one that addressed this. I crave wild, crazy, heterosexual sex. Not toys, or other items to simulate. And with him already having low T and now taking hormones plus being molested/raped/abused when he was young that cannot happen.
We are best friends and get along great. We have a great time together all the time but this is a serious issue and I’m not sure how or if I can get passed it. He wants to be a female and is attracted to females. Loves me more than life itself…. I love him more than anything but I cannot continue to ignore my “animal instincts”. We keep looking for help and suggestions and all we get is he needs to dress and present as female and if I can’t accept then o’well.
And with this attraction and physical issue I’m at a loss. We both kinda think we know what needs to be done but we’re scared to death to lose each other because we have such a good relationship in all other aspects. Any words of advice???
Thank you for listening to my rant, I’m lost.
Is it okay to want hot animalistic sex. You are only human! Hell, most people love sex and mid-30’s is no time to be missing out. It is normal and natural to want heterosexual sex. You are not the first person in a relationship to want different sex than what is on offer and still love your partner. But what to do?
So you have a best friend! It sounds like you want to stay with your partner in some capacity because of how well you get on and how much you love her. Could you (both) just accept being “best friends” (perhaps with or without snuggles and lover indulgences) but other significant sexual and emotional relationships? Would jealousy get in the way? How would you both cope with this? Have you talked about it? If that doesn’t sound good then
do you want to be in a relationship with each other and you get extra benefits? Do you want to come home to your best friend and snuggle and cook dinner and be domestic but have a hot lover on the side? That is okay, and there are other people who do that. But a couple of things need to be considered. STI’s, safe sex and pregnancy for one and then secondly and just as importantly emotional intimacy. In my opinion emotional relationships more significant than the one with your partner is much worse than sexual relationship. Can you just have a fun fling on the side?
You say you both know what needs to happen… then talk about put in some ground rules, make peace, love each other do what needs doing. There is no point living a life unhappy or discontent because you can not step over the threshold of a hard decision.
Hi JanC, thank you for your reply. I hope you see this because for some reason I couldn’t click reply on your comment, but oh well.
I feel bad talking about my boyfriend in this manner, but it does feel good not to feel alone anymore and I’m lucky to have found this site after searching for such a long time. My pride didn’t let me at the time but I wish I would have went to see a therapist a long time ago, and I’m still thinking about seeing one but it feels like a lot to do and I’m not sure that I need it anymore. A therapist isn’t the same as talking to someone in a similar situation as ours, but I think they deal with similar matters more often than we think so it could be a good thing, and it’s nice to talk to someone if not only for advice but to get different perspectives on the matter. Since I broke down and almost left him I have taken myself more seriously, asking myself what I really want all the time. Because it’s been so much bout him I just forgot to listen to myself.
I definitely love my boyfriend, and I cursed it before but I think living apart from each other has been good for us, at least for me I feel like I needed space to sort out my feelings without him there questioning it, you know? And he seems happier every time we meet as well. I think my heart is finally grasping what my mind has known all along, he is not a different person and he is not a boy. It’s not that I fell in love with a boy who just decided to change into a woman, he’s been a woman (or something between a man and woman because he isn’t sure yet) all along. When he told me this three months into our relationship I got confused and scared because I thought the person I fell in love with was going to change into some strange girl. I’ve never been religious, but I would explain it by saying that my mind got it but my soul didn’t, if that makes any sense. It’s like since our drama, I have taken time to fall in love with his real self, while I was in love with his real self all along. I’m confused, but what I can say with 95% certainty is that I would be okay if he decided to change, and I’m ready to try it out if that is what he decides that he wants to do. It seems like we’re heading that way because when I told him this he got relieved and said that he had brought it up with his psychologist that he had started to think about the pills. But he would only take them if I was ready. If we find out it doesn’t work then we find out, but my biggest fear would be to abandon him in the process, but I think that if we make that step then he will have friends to support him. No not family, they’re quite conservative sadly. Though we haven’t told them so maybe his parents would understand as well.
I think the most frustrating part was that I had to find out so late, it would have been nice to know that he wasn’t a boy before I made him a boy in my mind. I can’t imagine what you’re going through struggling with this while you’re married, cause you must have been together for some time now. Did you find out recently or have you known for a long time? I would love to hear your story and help you if I can since you said it was kind of similar to mine. Good luck, and I hope my comment was of some help at all
Hi Amanda-
Your post seems to sum up a lot of my own emotions- especially when you mention how you felt your heart was grasping what your mind knew all along- that is how I’ve been trying to think since my boyfriend told me he is transgender. I am trying to see him as he is, rather than with a specific gender. My partner is one of the most caring people I know, so it is hard to picture myself without them. The scariest part for me, is that I don’t find myself as attracted to him when he dresses as a woman. I am so supportive in helping him find his happiness, but I’m scared it might cost me my own in the long run.
If anyone is looking to chat- respond and maybe we can exchange emails.
Thanks.
-O
My spouse has advanced prostate cancer. He was diagnosed 6 months after our marriage 7 years ago. At a follow this year his PSA values show his cancer is growing again. He told me this has triggered his desperate need to be himself. He was so desperate and in November started seeing a therapist. At first I really thought I could handle this. I have a lesbian daughter and virtually all my friends are “LGBT”. But I am definitely hetero.
As I read more and more about Transgender I realized that Transgender Is not about who you prefer to sleep with BUT who your genetic self identifies to. That being said I feel great sadness for my spouse who has lived his/her life in agony not being able to be her true self.
She is desperate now to be herself before the cancer takes over.
It is easy for me to accept the small changes, earrings under clothing things that keep her gender “secret”. One reason is because we live in the bible belt and both work. I have great fear that her job will be lost and potentially mine too. Also, having our jobs will make it easier for her to have her surgeries if her oncologist will approve.
Personally I have good days and bad days. I will start seeing my own therapist this week. I can not sleep, my good days are ok but the bad days are horrific. I know my reactions affect her liberating herslf because she is trying to protect my feelings too. Some days I want to help not only her but also the T community and promote help and awareness to make a difference. The next I am sure I will move on. But the excitment I see from her and how wonderful she feels when she is more “her” than “him” is beautiful.
However, my true self does not want him to transition. I am afraid for him/her, us and me.
Today is one of my better days.
Tomorrow who knows.
JanC
The way I see it from outside is that this is a nice friendship, but not a real full love when you have good sex, good communication and you feel completed and balanced. So as painful it might be you might need to look for somebody else.
There is more to love than sex. Many people have very fulfilling marriages and do not have sex. For many reasons.
This is very helpful. My fiancé has told me that he has been questioning his gender for a while. He has been hiding it, worried it would ruin our relationship. I am fully supportive, but concerned about how his family will be. He still isn’t fully sure and I am wondering how I can help him realise who he really is, one way or another.
I met my husband through what I thought was fate, a random conversation, talking on the phone all the time, met at the beach of my dreams with my family by my side. (We lived in two different countries)
We get married, a month after he tells me he always wanted to be a girl.
Never in my life had my heart broken, never been one to suffered depression, never once did I consider taking my own life. When he said those words, I experimented those three things at the same time.
I have been trying to get over it, we have a baby girl, but I am religious and my family (which i adore) they would never accept this, my dad could get a heart attack, my mom would cry and hate him for what he did to me.
I, myself, felt betrayed and hurt for him not telling me the truth before we got married.
He hates his mother, she is a fanatic christian (the most dangerous kind, for this sort of things) She will never forgive him and she might try to take our daughter away if she finds out.
He has started to talk to other trangender people and to do his nails and his hair and I feel like in drowning and For the longest time, I couldnt understand how someone could be so selfish.
But now I understand and it pains me even more that he feels this way, that he despises his beautiful body so much, growing up with a mother that cherished her daughter but no so much her sons was very traumatic for him too.
I want to help him, I love him. But I don’t know what to do, the hormones he is taking are self prescribed and he has pain all the time but wont stop taking them, Im terrified he is hurting himself and he wont listen to me because he thinks i only want him to stop but i would be alright if he saw a doctor.
I can’t do this to my family, I cannot, but I don’t want to leave him, I love him.
Does anyone have any advice on the matter?
I’m desperate.
Here’s an interesting one…met my partner at the local bar in her femme persona. Was drawn to her from the first meeting, decided to date her and was told I must meet the boy self as well. Boy self was fine but the courtship was between her and I. We decided she move in, but was overwhelmed by boy from the get go. The desire to adopt the male role, even though this was not wanted or needed. Our relationship suffered and I would beg for the girl I had fun and fell in love with. Approaching the two year mark I was pretty much faced with marriage to the boy self with visits from the girl. I agreed, but wanted a course of therapy and hormones to make sure all conflict was addressed. After a few awful weeks, and a final verbal blow to my self confidence, I decided to end the relationship. But to my surprise, the girl has decided to live. She wants me and it’s been hard, blah blah. After two years? Of support, love, acceptance? Now, after I’ve decided I’m not going to be the doormat anymore, she wants me. How does one rectify this? She had me, I accepted, she didn’t, now I’m over it. So pissed it’s to little to late for us. The lack of communication and feelings is the deal breaker for me. So sad.
I am currently 38 weeks pregnant with my first child, a little girl. My boyfriend told me several months ago that he wanted to be a girl. In fact, I’ve known it for almost our entire relationship. I didn’t believe that one day he would really want to go through with the surgery, hormones, etc. I thought it was all a joke. I realize it wasn’t. It’s hard knowing that he’s given me either the choice to a) split up or b) live a life with him as a girl. I don’t know what to do. I love him more than absolutely anything, and I’m willing to sacrifice my true happiness for his own. I’d rather he feel like the true person he’s supposed to be than me have the picture perfect family I’d always dreamed of ever since I was a little girl. I have fears though. I’m straight. How can I be sexually attracted to him once he’s a ‘she?’ What would our daughter think? I really have no idea what to do, and it feels like my entire existence is being taken away from me. I love him for who he is now, what if I can’t love ‘her?’ 😥
I don’t know what to say other than I hope your spouse loves you as much as you lover your spouse. I’m going through very similar times with my wife, and I’m glad you are talking about it. It is okay to be afraid. And I’m sure glad you are expressing this. Keep supporting her, and keep looking out for your own emotions too. I wish you the best, and hope you are doing well.
Hi all,
I feel the best way to describe how I feel is that I feel very raw, like a fresh wound…just having found out my husband is transgender ….
I am married to my soulmate, best friend and wonderful father to our blended family of seven. We’ve been married for 18 years. My husband started to change many years ago, suttle things, shaving..arms, legs etc just one thing at a time. He said he didn’t like to be hairy anymore. Then the hair, kept getting longer and he wouldn’t cut it. The streaked..he was once black..over time its now long and blonde! Then came the hormone patches…I still had no idea. The hormone patches he told me were because of testicular pain and they would help. I believed him.
I asked him just over a year ago about the patches and what the follow up was. The patches had caused breasts. He said still on the patches waiting for a consultant appointment BUT that he felt he liked some of the side effects of the patches, the way it made him feel. I was in denial, I didn’t want to know more.
Now over a year later he has been working away a lot over the last year..one or two days every week or two…
He sent me a text message last week, very garbled but basically saying the conference he was attending he was going as a woman. The people he had been working with knew him as a transgender MTF. He said please forgive him and he loved me.
So where to from here…
As I said at the start he’s really my world. I love the MAN from before last week. Men’s clothes, masculine, man who looked after me.
Today, I have two teenage son’s living at home. They go to a all boys school. I work in the hospital, its a small community. I grieve for my husband. I want him back. I’ve read extensively this evening… I know its huge for him to ‘come out’ in public as he has. I can’t at the moment, think about calling him a ‘her’, calling him his female name, think of going out in public and yes I do think about our sex life, although this has been very little for a while…
I wish I could turn the clock back, I don’t know what to do next, how to live without the love of my life…..
If we separated I’d be lost without him….
I just want to add..I’m 46 and my husband is 56 yrs old. He has been married before, and as I said before we have children. He said this has been evolving, it wasn’t always there. So I suppose this comes under Gender identity disorder (GID), also known as gender dysphoria… but I still don’t understand how its only come about in the last maybe 10 or less years.
Kia ora
Is it something in the water in NZ? I reckon at least three of my male friends are trans; only one is out. My partner is trans and not out yet, but it won’t be long!
I’ve seen “her” many times and it’s OK except the makeup’s OTT; she’s really sensitive to criticism so I will have to tread carefully.
I’ve also made classic mistakes like calling him her in public… I need to get a bit smarter.
Don’t see it as an issue if it makes my dear happy. I don’t care what people think and if it stops her feeling so depressed, well that’s all good.
Our friends and family mostly won’t get it and my partner is quite proud so won’t be themselves back in NZ as doesn’t want the hassle. Fair nuff.
Thank you so much for this article… My boyfriend (now girlfriend) told me 4 days ago that she was a girl, and since then I’ve been searching the internet for help, because there are so many others out there like me I’m sure.
It’s only been a few days but I wonder if I’m strange for this; the days since she came out have been the best days we’ve had in our relationship, and I love her more than I ever have before. And she loves me more too… I think maybe inside, although I’ve been the one with depression not her, we were both a bit broken, and this was why. Because we both knew something was wrong subconsciously, and now we know it was her gender, and this has brought us so much closer again. I love how happy she is now. I love how I can make her cry with happiness when I call her my girlfriend, that she types spams of incredulous nonsense when I tell her she’s beautiful and shouldn’t doubt that she’ll be gorgeous (she’s never had a masculine body but still gets scared she’ll never pass, but she already could with a bit of makeup I’m sure) and just… For some reason I love her so much more, thinking of the life we’ll have, it’s the same dreams as ever but better. We talk about girly things in a way which I’ve never had with female friends, and it’s perfect. Maybe the fact we’re earlier in the relationship (not much over a year) and honest to one another helps us though…
However, I know this isn’t so for everybody. I basically love her enough that my sexuality doesn’t matter. But there WILL be issues, in know, particularly with parents as we both live at home, the fact that yes, she may change in ways I can’t handle, and prejudice and issues we may have to handle for life. But to everybody else here I kinda want to say, don’t abandon them. I may be strong enough to stay with her forever. But she needs all the support she can get, and if that’s from me as a friend, so be it. I could never just leave, and I know others, particularly those who have been lied to (we found out about her femininity and such together, shopped for dresses, went out in them, all sorts, so I have known all along) have a tougher time.
I don’t know what the point of this message was, but I guess thank you for this article, and to all those going through the same as me and my bubba, I hope either your love is strong enough that you can continue together, or that you both find happiness apart ❤
Also was wondering, I see many trans help forums and was wondering if you knew any for us, the partners, rather than the transgender one? Going to continue reading your blog, this one post has put me so much at ease even though we were already doing well, it sort of reassured me this wasn't my heart going crazy trying to compensate 🙂 I'm just glad I'm not alone, so much of what I've read so far suggests that most people transition without a partner, but I never want to leave her
Hi there
I know this was posted over 4 years ago but I was wondering if your still with your girlfriend ? My bf has recently just come out as trans and it’s been an emotional roller coaster for me.I love him so much and can’t imagine my life without him but I’m a heterosexual cis woman.Can I ask your sexual orientation if that’s ok ?
My partner is MtF transgender. I am female and not gay. I love her very much, but I don’t understand her desire to be female and I don’t know how to respond when she says being a woman feels natural. There is no way a man can know what being a woman feels like. There are just some things that are so esoteric to us women that taking hormones and wearing women’s clothes cannot open the floodgates to the female’s world. It is just not possible. To me she acts like a man who is simply into girly things. I don’t mind that at all, but I find it irksome to think she has some insight into being a woman. She asked me to help her in certain areas, but in areas a woman shouldn’t need to ask. I stopped offering tips and “correcting” her because knowing what I think or how I’ve been taught really doesn’t prove a thing. How can I explain it…her brain is still very much male. She won’t marry me until the law in our state allows her to change her birth certificate to female and we can be considered a same-sex couple. We can legally marry now, but she refuses to be listed as the “groom” on our marriage license. So I’ll wait because this is so important to her.
While I find many of your comments on the transphobic side, I really admire your willingness to wait for marriage. Your wife is female. Yes, she wasn’t socialized like you were, but that nonetheless makes her no less female. For instance, is an extreme tomboy girl who really seems like “one of the guys” any less female to you?
This has helped me quite a lot with coming to terms of my MtF transgender boyfriend. Me and my bf have been together almost 5 years, have a baby on the way and where planning to get married. I knew he had always thought he may be a woman but nothing ever sprung from it so i put it to the back of mind. He recently got a phone call from a hospital offering him an appointment to discuss what he is and what can be done. He goes at the end of the month and I am terrified about the outcome. I love him enough to stay with him and accept it, but it doesn’t make this any easier. He has already said that he won’t transition to avoid losing me and our baby boy, but I feel so selfish and hurt by this as I know he will be unhappy. Reading this has really helped but it all in perspective for me. I won’t ever stop him seeing his son and will even have him at the birth if we find that we can’t stay together. But I love him enough to try.
Transitioning is really freaking scary for a partner. I don’t even have children and it’s scary! It is great that you want to try to stay together. Think about what makes the idea so scary for you.. the process? Being in a ‘different’ relationship? Maybe surgery? Or just the whole change? Most people stay essentially the same person, just the female version! It is a long process and the same path is not right for everyone. And if you need to, take time to grieve and don’t feel guilty about it.
Hi I am I just found out my boyfriend who I love is transgender or wants to be I am not sure about the right way to say it I have asking advice from different friends who have points of view I want to be they for him or is it her i find it confusing he said I can still call him his name he going through a hard time with family and I want to be there for him is they any advice you can give me to support him and any information thank you from steph
Hi Steph,
if you want to support your partner it sounds like you are doing a good job. Transition can sometimes be a slow process and it is HARD, so take the time to digest it all. Talk about stuff, do things together that are fun and relaxing and take care of yourself. Names and all that will come in time. Read up about the transition process and don’t be afraid to find a counsellor or confide in a friend if you need help.
Hey everybody,i need advice really bad in my situation im young and dont know how to feel or how to handle it.I am a female 18 engaged to the love of my life male 28 been engaged for five years and he just came out and told me he has dressed up as a woman and had sex with a man and a woman and that he feels like a woman on the inside for his whole life. Scammed,lied to,disgusted,and just all in all hurt is how i feel.he said he told me because he loves me more than himself,an wants to spend the rest of his life with me and i need to know this about him. All i want to do is cry…my soulmate and first love has been a stranger for years and its just now coming up.even lying about sex , a very personal connection between us i feel betrayed..please help me!!
My advice? Leave. You are 18 and owe this person nothing. They cheated on you.
My partner came out to me as, to quote “would prefer to live as a female” last night. At first, I was in tears. I felt like my heart had been shattered. This is my first relationship and we’ve been together for a year and a half– which, may not seem all too significant in comparison to some, but at 16 it’s a very long time. I love him with all of my heart, and told him that I wanted to do my best to support him through this. But I feel as if deep down, I know I can’t be in this relationship romantically much longer. I fell in love with a man, and for him to change gender to me feels like he’s going to be a different person– though logically I know this isn’t necessarily the case.
It’s not the thought of suddenly dating a woman that bothers me. As a pansexual, I am perfectly open to the idea of dating, really, anyone of any gender orientation. I’ve been attracted to women in the past, but I’ve always found that the thought of having to be in a romantic relationship with a woman to be something I wasn’t interested in seriously. Also in regards to dating a transgender or gender fluid individual, I would be much more open to it if I were aware if it before going into the relationship. Something which is a lot to hope for, in all seriousness.
It’s the transition thats frightening for me. It’s a hugely drastic change, and even though I love him, I don’t know if I will always be IN love with him when he transitions to her. I don’t know if I can emotionally handle everything that goes along with it, being that I’m already struggling with severe depression and anxiety disorders. I don’t want to bring him down with my own issues.
I feel horribly guilty, because part if me hopes that he’s just going through a phase. But, I can’t afford to be so selfish as to continue with the relationship, betting on my own denial. I want to support him through everything, but I don’t know if I’m going to be able to do that by staying in the relationship as it is.
But I still want to give it a shot. And in a sense, it’s comforting to know now, rather than any later. I’m grateful that he had the courage to tell me. And I feel horrible that I’m likely not going to end up being the person to be his other half. I want him to be happy, most of all.
Hi Anonymous,
First, it is extremely wonderful reading someone your age who has great intelligence, proper writing, and is open-minded. At your age, I find it very hard to say “I’m going to be committed to someone forever”, trans* or not. You have a lot of life in front of you, and so does your girlfriend. My advice, for what it is worth, it to keep doing exactly as you need to. Be honest with your partner, as she is being honest with you. Tell her your fears and she will respond accordingly. She may want to stay with you for now and try to make it work, or she may find out that having no real guarantee of a partner will mean she will want to move on also. You seem very even-keeled and open to the changes to come, even if you do have fears for not loving the partner in the same way. Don’t feel horrible about not being able to be there for her as a lover, but thank you for helping her along and being a good person and friend to her.
Hi. I am going through my husband announcing he is transgender and wants to have SRS ASAP. He wants me to stay married and be in a lesbian relationship with him after his surgery…… My recommendation to anyone in this situation is to ask yourself what YOU WANT in a relationship. I love my husband as a man and I am not a lesbian so there is no point pretending to be something I am not. The same as there’s no point him pretending anything. So I am not staying married but will support him. Simplify it.
Even at 56 I feel like I have a lot of life ahead of me and he has a new part of life too. Hopefully happier. Remember – what do YOU want and need? Everything seems to be all about the transgender person. Well if you can’t be happy yourself and have your needs fulfilled you won’t be the person your partner needs and you will also be a wreck! Two people are trashed instead of two people getting a better life. Love and hugs to you all. Xxx
Thank you for bringing this up. It’s incredibly important to remember that the interests of all individuals involved in the relationship are valid. I think a lot of people feel guilty for leaving their partner because they’re transgender, because they feel as their lover they’re obligated to stick with them through thick and thin (staying as lovers, more specifically), regardless of how emotionally taxing it may be.
I think that this is a great advice. I have been just thinking how I should be more open and accept her(my partner is MTF) just the way she wanted to be. Now I realized that I can also decide to leave, even I love him and the problem is that I love him not her. So now I start thinking that maybe I should really think about leaving. I think that I could never be totally happy with a woman. There would always be something which I would be missing. So it wouldn’t be right to me or her.
I need some help with something that is confusing me. My husband started cross dressing about five years into our marriage. Since then he has always told me he is a cross dresser, not transgender, but in the last few years he has been dressing more and more and says it’s never enough. I have been supportive, going out with him/her dressed to safe events, buying him/her clothes etc. But I have also had a big anxiety that one day he will announce he wants to transition and this anxiety has affected me.
Last year I spoke to him about this and asked him to get some counselling to talk about whether he wants to transition and come back to me with some certainty. He saw the counsellor for six months and then told me he is definitely male and would only ever want to cross dress. He was absolutely certain he would never want to transition. I believed him and was relieved, and for six months our relationship grew and flourished because I felt like we both knew who he was and how things fitted. And I was totally accepting of that.
Last week I took the day off work and we had the most intimate and loving time, and I finally opened up and told him about something that I have kept hidden for our whole marriage. I totally trusted him and made myself vulnerable to him.
The next day he went to his counsellor for a regular appointment and came home, and was suddenly very cold and distant towards me. I asked him why and he told me his counsellor suggested he transition for a year and see if he likes it, and he is considering doing this.
I was stunned and said “what about all the things you said to me six months ago” and he got angry and we had a fight that has gone for two days. When I asked him why he decided he wasn’t going to transition last year, he said that actually he hadn’t even discussed the subject with the counsellor until now. He said they had talked about other things last year. So I realised that he had lied to me many times about this, and the decision he made last year was just a lie to keep me happy. I am totally exhausted and my eyes are swollen from crying, and I feel so shocked and depressed. I am also starting to get paranoid feelings towards him that I don’t know are reasonable or not. Like last time we had a fight my cat disappeared and I wondered if he did something to it. I feel like I’m going crazy.
Also I’m worried about his counsellor because he knew her 20 years ago in different circumstances, and when he talks about her his voice goes soft and he seems to follow everything she tells him to do, and when I asked him if he loved her he said he considered her to be like his grandmother. I have never viewed a counsellor like a family member. Should I be worried about that? Or is that normal?
I don’t know what to do.
Dear Mae,
I think it is important to assess what YOU want. Do you want all of this uncertainty in your life? Do you want to live with someone who is going to transition? Do you want to support him/ her in this process? If you know that the answer is ‘no’, then you do not have to be in this relationship.
If you can not be yourself in the relationship with transitioning hanging over you, you will never be happy in the relationship.
Lying to a partner is never okay and if you do feel uncomfortable with the counsellor that just raises more red flags. Transiting in a relationship has a lot to do with trust, acceptance and openness. These are the founding parts and if you have massive doubts that you can’t talk about now how will you do it in the future?
Thank you for your comments. We have decided to end our marriage and remain friends. Not sure how to untangle everything and he is still living here, but hope to make some progress in the coming weeks.
I’m so confused with what is happening.
My fiance has recently told me that he wants to be a woman.
He wants the full ..process (sorry, i’m not so familiar with the correct terms yet), but he is still too afraid to “Come out”, and he is afraid that he may regret his decision later on in his life.
If he decides not to do it… i know that he wouldn’t be happy.. and so i try to tell him that there will always be people who love him and will support him unconditionally.
but if he does decide to do it… I’m so very worried about how he will feel.. and how I would feel.
I’m so afraid that he would feel lonely and un-supported and depressed (he isn’t in such a great mental state, he just got out of his depression a few months ago).
And I’m so afraid that despite what he says (he has told me that he still wanted to be with me as lovers after the transition, if he does decide to do so. {he is pansexual}), he would have different sexual needs, and would want men.
I dont know if i can stay with him either way… I cannot see him unhappy for the rest of his life.
but i can’t sit by waiting for him to tell me that he doesnt want me anymore…
..I know that i’m not in such big troubles compared to everyone else…
but i dont know what to do
i love him so much
but i just dont know what to do
Hi Sheo,
It sounds like your partner really needs to speak with someone who is trans friendly, a counsellor, psychologist, or someone from the trans community. The scary thing is no one knows how a transition will work out. You and your partner should read through some blogs and webpages on trans issues. Do this together and talk about all of the issues and concerns, even if it is sad or upsetting. But ultimately your partner needs to decide, independently of you, what he would like to do, then you can work on it as a team. You can’t decide for him. It is really hard to see someone you love so unhappy. Maybe you could go to a counsellor together?
Excellent Advice
We have been going thu her transition for a few years now. Surgery is the next step. Some days, I feel like the transition leaves no room for me, other than as a support person. I feel like passing, clothes, helping her find her identity, etc etc, is what life has become. As a couple, we are close..but there are times when I feel swallowed up in it. What about ME? Ive adapted and adapted and supported, and I feel lost. Thats where I am right now, and I am just not liking it..
Transition often leaves no room for the supporting partner. The person transitioning can become more and more self focused. If it is at all possible for you then go on holiday by yourself, even if it is just to visit a friend or family member for the weekend. Get away, explain why you are going and have some time to yourself. This is especially important pre-surgery as post-op is a difficult time where you will probably needed/ wanted.
HI, my wonderful partner is over a year into her transition from male to female. We have been married for 6 1/2 years. I feel for the people who are having a really hard time with their partner’s transition, but I cannot fully understand it. We always spoke about our relationship as “for as long as it still works for both of us,” rather than “until death do us part,” or “forever,” though we have always hoped for forever. Communication was always a top priority for us both. So, while I have experienced some doubts and unanswerable questions along the way about what the future would hold for us, I have tried to focus on the present moment each step of the way. I was definitely in some state of shock when she came out to me, and it took some time before we both understood the extent of her intentions. And I could say when I paused , right now, I am okay enough with this to be willing to continue and see what happens. I think I might be lucky in that I am attracted to a wider spectrum of people than some others might be, so that part was pretty easy. I have struggled a bit (and still do) with my own gender and sexual identity since my partner began transition, but I have learned that most of that centers around societal pressure and fears and challenges about what others think…so as I educate and examine myself, I am becoming more liberated in my own identity independent of what others might think. My partner and I have experienced new challenges with communication, sexuality, etc, but these are more about our developing relationship that supports each others growth, which is really amazing. I am grateful we are able to share with each other so openly and honestly, and our relationship has deepened and includes ways of connecting that previously were not available. My partner is better able than ever before to be authentic. Checking in at the present moment, I absolutely want to be where I am here with her today! Life is good, she is happy and that fills me with joy, and our love keeps growing. We are heading toward the next big step, and I have no way to guarantee how I will feel after her upcoming gender confirmation surgery. Even today I still keep the option open to at any time decide it doesn’t work for me, but I am optimistic. Overall, we have gained soooo much more than we have lost. I know this is not how things work out for every couple…but it really is possible. It has been challenging to find many other positive outlooks on this topic, so I am thankful to find this page and know I am not alone in my situation, and hope I can find others to talk about what’s awesome about our partners’ transitions!
That comment made my day, it’s nice to see someone else who is optimistic about it 🙂 me and my partner has decided on something similar, we just go with it and if it doesn’t work out, then that’s tragic but it’s not now and here. We want to be together forever, but either of us can break up with the other any time we want. I have felt uncomfortable about the future not being certain, but now I find comfort in that.
My partner thinks he/she is mtf on the inside, but hasn’t decided just how much yet, he/she is very insecure and the most difficult part would be how the parents would react. I think the father would take it okay, but am more concerned about the mother. They are both of the opinion that transitioning is wrong and unnatural, they even think that gay couples shouldn’t have babies!
I am a straight female who is pretty sure I like boys, but right now only my boyfriend. We both only have eyes for each other, which makes it all that more difficult. We never fight, get along most of the time, are attracted to eachother and have creepily similar values and world philosophies.
It right now feels like we’re in a “dead zone”, or “the eye of the storm”, where he/she doesn’t know what he/she wants, and I don’t know what I want, but until that time we’re a couple who’s very much in love. This uncertainty about the future has ripped me many times, and I have gotten kind of used to it. I am straight, and scared I won’t feel the attraction anymore (sexual, and possibly romantical) but I hope it will all work out. Anyway it’s nice to know I’m not alone and that there are those who have made it. Even if you’re straight like me there should be a way right? It’s not like his personality will change, but there is something about the boobs, butt, and acting like a female that kind of makes me want to run. Should I be concerned or is there a way for us afterall? Sorry about the long comment, it happened ^^
Hi Amanda,
I am glad to hear your comment. I can only speak to my experience, but I do think there is hope. You definitely get used to some amount of uncertainty, but with the willingness to move forward and work on things at least as much as you did before, I think you have hope.
Parents can be tricky, especially if your partner relies on them for anything, like housing or money. Hopefully they would be supportive, but there is no guarantee.
The “boobs and butt” are happening, but slow enough that I feel like I have time for those check-ins with myself…”Am I okay with this now?” In seeing my partner happy (and more connected to her emotions in general), I have became attracted to the new aspects of who she is, which I connect with the way she looks now. It has become easier (if not easy) to imagine a positive physical/sexual future for us both, though it was almost impossible for me to imagine it at the beginning. Things are good for us right now. Sometimes if one or both of us doesn’t feel like being sexual, we make a point to still be intimate, with skin to skin contact. We both feel it is important to keep physical our connection with each other without the pressure to be sexual. Does my attraction to her make me less “straight?” In my opinion, yes, it probably does. But there is no label I wish to assign to my sexuality.
The “acting like a female” part is different for everyone and can mean different things. A lot of that might be trial and error for the person transitioning. My partner has gone through a hyper-feminine phase that has calmed considerably. She had to test what was natural for her because she had been blocking what was natural all along. Her goal is to be her authentic self and sometimes that involves weeding out stereotypes who she thinks others expect her to be. I find myself comfortable with her when she is true to herself and uncomfortable when she is not. Some things about her personality have changed, though. Like she argues more “like a female” (which makes it harder for me to win the arguments!), and she cleans more “like a female” (which means more thoroughly!) 🙂 Her core values and philosophies have not changed.
I wish you good luck!
Many of the people here talk about how they would miss the physical aspects of having a male partner while their partner transitions; that isn’t my problem at all. I don’t care at all if he has lady or dude bits, because I swing all ways. It isn’t the sexual parts–it’s actually the social ones that get to me. Not only does he have gender dysphoria, but also species dysphoria, and he self-identifies as a furry. So ideally, he would like to present as a female cat. His transition is in its beginning stages, but sometimes he does things in public that make me feel embarrassed and anxious.
I really want to support him through this transition; he’s been really good to me in our few months together, and I knew he was trans before I ever got together with him. It isn’t even the final product for me; I get anxious about him going out in public dressed as a woman when he doesn’t “pass.” naturally, this makes me feel guilty, but I don’t know what to do about it.
It’s natural to feel anxious about it and I bet everyone who reads these pages has a similar story! What makes him not “pass”? Clothes? Voice? Hair? If he is actively working toward changing it then that’s a good thing, it just takes a lot of time. The reality is that most of the general population won’t really care, they will just think your partner is weird or strange, and who cares what they think?
Please help, I feel like I am drowning with the constant truths that my boyfriend of two years has all of a sudden decided to tell me about. I have always been honest with him that I am bi-sexual, I would say though this is a 60:40 ratio of attraction, I have always wanted to be with a man long term. He has always been supportive of this and though he had fears, I assured him that its just the same as occasionally liking anyone from time to time. Over dinner he casually tells me he also has had sex with two guys. I nearly choked, how could I be so hypocritical to think its any different? But it is, wrong or right, a large portion of women have been with other women, nearly all men who have sex with men are gay or in denial. I freaked, and left. I felt betrayed and sick.He said he didnt come from either experience and it didnt feel right.
Everything went from bad to worse, he emailed me saying that since a teenager he has had gender dysphoria, and wanted to be a woman. Now I’ve gone from being shocked that he might be gay to winded that he actually wants to be a woman. He has since explained that he went about seeking out the answer and went to therapy, took the odd oestrogen pill and twice went out dressed as a women. The more he told me the worse I felt. I wished it was a joke. This man, who I made all my life plans with, who I want to be with forever, is now someone completely different, I cant undo this. He said he dressed in private as a woman every night for about 6 months, would watch porn and feel disgusting as soon as he had come. He said this was a year where he was very depressed. He decided it wasnt for him and threw out all of the stuff. Now I find out, never from him volunteering, but from me specifically asking, that he has had sex with four transvestites in the last 6 years. He said he is completely over it and that since he met me he has not felt any desire to do any of that stuff. He says he wont let me leave because he wants to be with me forever, that I make him happier than he’s ever been. He does love me, and I love him more than anything. I feel like I cant love who he might turn out to be though. Is this a massive risk, to stay with him, to marry him, to have children with him? Knowing one day he will revert or that he could come home and tell me we wants to change?
I cannot find anywhere on the internet about trans men “getting over it” and truly wanting to be a man, with a woman. He said he will always have fantasies, especially when he gets down. I dont think I can live my life expecting this to happen. Always fearing it. Am I being unfair, he swears he loves me, and I am the only person who has made him so happy that none of his past matters anymore to him. He says it was a “glitch” and blames his parents messy divorce and bullying. And his desensitisation to it because of porn.
I just need advice, is it truly possible that he definitely wants to be a man? Or is this, too, a phase? One that I am going to regret trusting him on?
I am so low and depressed and confused now. I love him so much but I cannot see him the same anymore.
Help – I am a crossdresser who is happily married and who has no wish to transition at all.
I have to tell you that sadly, ther is very little risk of him ‘getting over it’. I shall go further, and say that his cheating on you – because that is what he has done – was totally selfish, and may well have put your health at risk. You need to get yourself checked out for a sexually transmitted disease. Words are cheap – of course he is going to tell you what he thinks is going to get him what he wants.
Your trust has been broken, and my advice to you would be to get away from him as far and as fast as possible. That of course is just my opinion. u are in a very frighteng place at the moment.
I am also going to suggest that you visit http://www.crossdressers.com. This website is a genuine help site, it is not a dating site, a hookup site or one that seeks to promote cross dressing or transexualism, simply to give people who are on the transgender spectrum – AND THEIR PARTNERS a safe place to communicate and to get help with their issues. After you have made ten posts on the site, you can become a member of their FAB (Female at birth section which is – as you might expect – for genetic girls. Let me assure you that the ladies there have all gon through what you are gone through, and I can assure you that they will be a sourcel of endless good support and advice.
Everything changes in transition, even the personality. My spouse, as a woman, is more gentle, much less driven, more open to others, calmer, more willing to spend money, and less willing to spend time being worried about the future. Some spouses lose attraction for the partner, some do not. Everything changes. At this point, taking it a day at a time makes sense, and being very, very aware of our own feelings and honoring them.
Hi, Not sure really where to start to be honest. Here goes anyway. I have been with my partner for just over two years hes mid 30s I’m late 20s. i knew from pretty much day one that he cross dressed (which i love!). i am female and of the opinion that is doesn’t matter who you love (i don’t believe in labels like gay and straight etc). cross dressing and trans gender are not an issue for me as such, the only thing i can not handle at the moment is the hiding. i know that my partner has been dealing with these internal battles his entire life, which i can understand as i have an alter ego (she is a very masculine female though) Even though i am completely supportive and have never made him feel like its wrong, he still hides. I love both sides of my partner with all my heart and i love our relationship as our alter egos have a great time :-). He has been married before which ended very badly and every relationship since his ex wife has been the same he said, until me. So why now does he feel the need to hide!!!??? he even told me that he wanted to take hormone tablets which i thought was fine, until he went and got them with out telling me and we are supposed to be trying for a family. Lately it feels like hes in a relationship with himself and not me. I have never tried to change him and have always tried to be very open and honest with him, i even go out and buy clothes for them both, at Christmas both of the (him and her) got presents (he told me im the only person who has ever done that). He expressed an interest in having the op but said that he has passed that stage in life and its to late (plus family issues), he asked me if i would stay, to which i replied YES (no reason why i wouldn’t). i don’t know whether sometimes i make him feel envious and angry, because i moan about being a woman all the time (don’t really like it tbh). I just feel very mixed up at the moment not really having anyone to vent this out to! Is he a little jealous and doesn’t want me to carry a baby? Does he hate that i moan about being female? We have discussed having a family and he said he wants one with me! I just don’t know whats all of a sudden happened, hes hiding away! and i don’t know why?
Thanks for listening guys (little weight has been lifted)
🙂
Hi Katiesgirl, I’m speaking from the position of my CD/TG husband leaving me two weeks ago so I’m not feeling particularly positive about these issues, but the thing that stood out for me in your story was the sentence: “Lately it feels as if he’s in a relationship with himself instead of me.”
My experience was the same as yours in that I did everything I could to support and love him for who he was, including buying both male and female gifts, going out in public with him dressed female, and financially supporting him while he suffered depression and stopped working. But he never gave much back in his relationship with me. He was in love with the perfect woman he created and saw in the mirror. As his wife I was always an imperfect, real woman with human needs, and at best in second place, although over time I was not even his wife but slipped into the roles of his rescuer and his mother substitute. His needs and issues became the focus of our entire relationship.
You need to understand that the woman they create in their own minds and on their own bodies is never needy or demanding and is always sexually available to them. She is perfection because she comes from within them and we are all perfect to ourselves. It annoys them when you moan about the things that affect a real woman in the real world, because they are not interested in being real women. How many CD’s talk about transitioning so they can take on caring or nurturing roles where they give tirelessly to others? My husband certainly didn’t want to become a woman so he could work long hours and financially support me while I sat at home with depression (which, as a woman, is what I did for him). He wasn’t interested in making the sacrifices that real women make.
Please, don’t get pregnant until you sort out your relationship. Having a child together binds you for life. Also I want to say that the past two weeks of my life without him have been incredibly hard, but still much easier than the past 12 years. Good luck.
You have managed to describe my view of the transgender experience perfectly. Your words about TGs creating this perfect unreal and unrealistic caricature of a woman is exactly my experience of someone who has been married for 22 years to someone who started transitioning last year – without telling me (I guessed when the breasts started growing – had known about him being transgender for years and had been fairly supportive). Thank you for your comment.
Hello. 2 days ago my husband came out as transgender. I am so in love with him still & he says he can’t & won’t go through transiSation without me….
My whole world as changed. We have kids…
I want to support him.
Can you give me any advice on ways we can work through this together?
What can I do to help him?
Hi Brooke,
It is really hard for many partners when their partner ‘comes out’. I suppose it’s a bit like being blinded by a giant truck on a highway that has popped out of nowhere. The lights are blazing, you are stunned and you don’t know what is going to happen next..will you get hit? Do you jump to the side? Will the truck see you and swerve and miss?
But analogies don’t help you such much right now.
I have written bits and pieces about talking to your partner. Trying to talk through it is the best idea. Together, un-interrupted, the kids with a babysitter, no phones on, no distractions. Different people will have different approaches to the conversation depending on their needs and wants. What is a priority? Family? Money? Love? Unity? Transition? For you it might be family and love; for him it might be the same. But you need to find out together and talk about options, realistically and honestly. If you are a team make the decision as a team and stick with it and BOTH agree to it. There is NO right answer to this but finding out EXACTLY (or close to) where your partner stands is really important. Many married/ partnered women have given a lot and gained nothing but heartache: they stayed knowing the partner wanted to transition or seriously cross dress BUT ultimately they were not okay with that and hoped their man would change. On the other hand many other people can come to terms with their partner transitioning and go on to have successful relationships during and after transition.
Perhaps let the dust settle for a week or two; do some reading about it, go on some forums, find out about costs and services near you. There is no hurry and it is good to be informed about it all. There is no right choice for either of you, just choices. Be honest with yourself.
I am very grateful this forum continues. I first logged onto this site a few months ago, and it helps to see the dialogue continue. My transitioning partner and I are in our 60s, and it is so difficult to cope with a lifetime of socialization. I am feeling grief and loss. I am not sure if we will continue as a couple, or not. My closest friends are supportive of me, but they seem to have some judgmental opinions about how it is to be “seen” with someone who is trans. Plus not understanding how I can be a lover to someone who is not clearly male. Although they understand and support what he needs to do, they don’t really understand or support my choice it seems. Although I don’t think that is their intention, that is what is coming across. That is difficult for me, because in some ways they echo my own reservations. He (she??) has not fully transitioned but is taking hormones. I was raised with liberal beliefs and values, and in general I am open to experience, as they say in the psych world.
I live in a small town where we are considered. “The Bible Belt” I have been with my husband 10 years. He came out to me 4 days ago. To say I was shocked is an understatement. I have no one to talk to. I find myself on a roller coaster of emotions. I want my husband happy, but I can’t live my life as a lesbian. We have 4 daughters.
I am not sure how I am supposed to feel. How do I help him & not loose me?
Thank-you so much for this amazing article!
My partner of a year and a half confessed that he is considering going through the change. I will admit this is a very hard pill to swallow.. we are both 23, I adore him. but i will openly admit I am confused and afraid.. I am honestly afraid that we will lose our connection, I am afraid that if I show that i am slightly confused and afraid of the what ifs that he will put it off and decide to not do it just because he doesn’t want me to leave him (he did say that) which i don’t want!
I want him to be happy.. I fell in love with him knowing that there was something more to him than meets the eye. i honestly couldn’t give a rats ass about society, friends or my families reaction to this if he decides to do the transition.
What i need advice on what it be a good bonding experience for me todo his make up and hair for him? just to see how he likes being a girl? or is that something i should leave for him to go through on his own? I am honestly very confused on how i should react to this news. i am usally very open minded, The truth is.. if one of my friends decided to transition I wouldn’t bat an eyelid but my lover wants to transition? and i can’t get my head around the idea.. does this make me a horrible person?
sorry for such a rambling comment.
Hi Tam
I know this was posted 4 years ago but my boyfriend has just come out as trans and I’m really struggling.I love him so much and can’t imagine life without him but I’m a heterosexual cis woman.Im 23 and just feel so lost, shocked and alone.Can I ask are you still with him/her ? Did they go through with the transition ? If you are still together how has it been going ? Is it ok if I ask your sexual orientation? Sorry to ask so many questions
It’s only fair to warn the partner of a transgender of the things they don’t tell you, and there are quite a few. First of all a transgender person is, by necessity, completely focused on themselves. It’s all about their sexuality, their appearance, their emotions, their medications, their wardrobe, their issues. Be prepared that there will always be issues. Always.
If your partner was suicidal or addicted or prone to violence or theft before SRS or hormone therapy, they will likely retain those habits. SRS and HT are not cures. Of anything. You must be prepared to be very strong and very self-sacrificing to remain with a transgender; your own emotional needs generally take a back seat. Now, you may choose that, out of love, and you may grow in many ways through the experience and bring many positives out of that, but you must be honest and realistic and acknowledge to yourself that you have chosen to put your own needs aside. Some can live with that, some can’t.
Your partner needs a boatload of support and may keep you around for this very reason. Support groups are filled with bruised and heartbroken exes who were kept around only for emotional and especially financial support, only to be dumped when it was time to “try out” the new life and new body with other partners. Your partner may want you in their life as a friend only one moment, and want you back a lover the next. Life with a transgender is frequently mercurial. It’s a roller coaster of emotions.
It’s especially hard on children. Sorry folks, but your children take a back seat to this. Whatever they suffer in terms of confusion, shock, distaste, grief , anger and rebellion must be validated. You cannot punish them for how they feel. You can educate them and support them but never tell them that they are wrong for how they feel. Also, you will have serious work on your hands to support your children through the changes they see happening. Shower them with love, communicate with them, encourage them to be honest. It’s their childhood and it should be all about them, but when a parent decides to make life all about their sexual identity issues, children suffer the cost of that selfishness. There is no nice way to put this.
My friend waited until all her children passed their 18th birthday before taking steps toward womanhood. I admire her tremendously for her decision to put them first, because it it rare in the transgender world. She remained a father to them until they were grown.
You describe my experience with my transitioning partner perfectly. Yes, it is only about him/her, nothing else. We have a daughter, she is only 11. For many years he claimed he wouldn’t transition because of her. In fact he still said that after he started transitioning ( he didn’t tell me for many months until the breasts became obvious). Well done to your friend who waited until her children were grown up. I am sure the wait is worth it in the long run even if it must have been hard.
Thank you so much for this blog I’ve been with my love for almost 3 years and now my parented tells me he’s a women. Which at first I was shocked but I realized… I love her. If my love wants to be my girlfriend instead of boyfriemd who cares. We grow stronger by the day. And we couldn’t be happier.
But also I’m scared mostly about the money and surgery
I’m so glad I found this website. I read all of the comments and I can relate to all of them. I wish I could give everyone a big hug! I’m struggling so much right now because my boyfriend (soon to be girlfriend) is always so busy and we only see each other a few times a week. For him it’s no big deal because he thinks our relationship is strong enough. While the transition is happening I’ve been feeling extremely vulnerable and I just want as much time with him as I can get.
I just read my own contribution a few paragraphs up and realized how bitter I sound. I am a very strong person and supported 2 loved ones throughout. Our long time friend was inspired by my partner to come out, and I was there for both.
I supported both of them financially and emotionally. Many of our friends are GLBT and there is a lot of support there, without which I would not have survived. There is no way around the suffering and loss. If you can find a way to live with it, well and good, but even then you must remember that you are part of the OLD life for someone who has embraced the new life. I don’t know if I’m bitter or just realistic about the ramifications to children and family.
Thank you to everyone who wrote on this blog. I no longer feel alone. My husband came out to me last year and is in mid transition. We are divorcing. I am so glad someone said “everything changes when a person transitions- moods, personality, behavior, interests, hobbies, etc.” because it did. My husband said only his outside would be changing. To him it might have felt that way, but as a person on the outside a whole lot changed. I am greatful for the what is best for you suggestion.
I would really like to know how people handle it with young kids. Pre- school age? How do you deal with school? With telling them? With how the mtf father will be called? With birthdays and get togethers and holiday school events? Bullying is going to come up- any ideas on what to do or how to react?
Everyone handles telling the children differently.
It’s a good idea to get into family counseling and to have free flowing discussions. Emphasis on the word FREE. One thing I see way too often, in friends, is the tendency of parents who tell their children how to feel. How ironic. Here you have individuals who *felt* differently their whole lives, who embrace a dramatic change to honor those feelings, yet they don’t allow their own children the authenticity of their own reactions. If the kids are angry, let them be angry. If they are disgusted – which is common in older children – let them be disgusted! Let them feel what they feel, whatever that may be.
Don’t tell them they are WRONG for how they feel! After all, didn’t society do that to YOU all your life?? And now, you are doing the very same injustice to your children? I have seen way too many brainwashed, controlled robotic children who can trot out the trans platitudes like any christian kid reciting verses. This is a terrible thing to do to your child, killing off their self-expression to serve your own agenda. I say, let them be fearful, repulsed, angry…let them feel what they feel…and LOVE them anyway. Show them the love and acceptance you want from them, and they will come around.
It is so much better to let them come the conclusion that you are still their mommy or daddy than have you shove it down their throats. When they come to the place of acceptance unmolested by your control, it is authentic and liberating, and more full of real love and real family connection. My two cents.
This is a beautiful comment! Kids should come first and should be allowed to be themselves.
A lovely sentiment that is I think spot on. Telling children what to think is effectively telling them to deny their own nature, and can never really change minds. The same “do as I say” approach by parents has been the root cause of the deep anguish experienced by many transgender people down the years (I’d include my own). Open minded honesty – including explaining mistakes made (lying etc) – is the only thing that will create lasting and meaningful change in attitudes. Older Trans people in particular are likely to leave a trail of debris when coming out, and while the positive should be emphasised, the negative fallout can’t be dismissed without explanation.
I just found out today that my husband wants to live as a transgender woman. It took 3 days for him to tell me after I found him looking at sexual photos he took of himself wearing women’s clothing. That was the first blow. The second day he admitted he posted those photos anonymously online because he wanted people to see him. The third day he finally admitted the truth. I had already been crying for 2 days, now I feel like it will never stop. When he told me, I stayed calm if not for some crying. He said he eventually wants breasts but wants to keep his penis. He also wants to stay with me, but I fear for how long. I am in such emotional agony and I don’t know what to do. I myself have struggled with depression and despite therapy become suicidal when in high emotional turmoil with our relationship. I do not want to end our relationship nor do I feel I could survive it. I love him with all my heart and we are best friends, he says he feels the same. He acknowledges that we have been through a lot and always come through it together. Between my almost non-stop crying and most of what I have found online I am terrified that we are doomed. This blog has given me a glimmer as well as most of the comments. I just don’t know what to do and I feel extremely alone.
You are not alone, there are many people who have been in a similar situation to yourself. It is good to talk about how you feel with people who understand. I too have suffered with a lot of my own depressive episodes. When my partner was really depressed I felt that I just had to ‘put on a brave face’ because otherwise the whole situation would have been to difficult. This is not possible for some people though because the reality is that it can be quite tough.
My suggestion is to focus on the now and take a deep breath. Transition often is a slow process so you will have some time to figure things out, you don’t have to decide all of this straight away. Don’t put a lot of pressure on yourself. Perhaps try and get away for a weekend or a couple of days so you can clear your head and have some good mental space away from the situation. Be kind to yourself and know that it is alright to cry and be upset.
I am in the process of setting up a forum so hopefully you can make contact with some other partners. It should be running within the next few days so please come back for support if you need to. There is always someone who is willing to listen and has been through a similar situation.
I would be very interested in that, please let me know and thank you for your words. The crying has actually stopped and a good open conversation between my spouse and I has helped with that along with being able to talk/ be heard on here.
First I guess is to repeat what others have said; think about what you want, not just what she wants. You’ve managed to get through lots and you can work through this is you wish to, but just remember the word ‘doomed’ is not necessary. You don’t have to stay as a couple, you can support somebody as a best friend even if not as a lover, right now abandonment is the last thing your SO needs and it seems you don’t want that either. You can never guess the future. There will be tears, but please remember those who come to the internet to talk of their failures are not everybody, so many out there are successful. Those with negatives to say will actively state it and ask for help, those who are happy feel no need so you won’t find them so much. But they exist, only time and talking will tell.
She’s still the person you love, just with different plans for life. I can’t say I can relate to some of your situation, as my depression stemmed from both of our confusion and distance before my girlfriend figured out she was trans, and her telling me actually made us feel safer. I guess though, as a married couple you may be ‘we’ but you are still an individual and need to put your own health first, a girly getaway with friends, taking up a hobby, it may seem like distraction but knitting sooths and allows you time for thinking without crying, I’ve worked many problems through with yarn in my hands and I would recommend it to anybody.
And last of all, this isn’t your lives. It’s a part of life, yes, but it does not define you both. Don’t let it consume you, remember there is lots to life, lots to your relationship, there’s the memories and happenings and places you can go and things to see and do and talk about and it’s sometimes hard not to come back around to the same topic but try to remember it. It’ll be a slow process, you can have time to adjust if you need, so please don’t be scared, just breathe deep and let your thoughts process over time, you don’t need to rush to decisions.
And whatever happens, I wish you both luck and all the happiness in the world ❤
Thank you for your comments. It is hard not to focus on the negative stories I have found, there are so many, but I agree with your point. My spouse has also suggested doing some things for me and I think a hobby or something would be good for me so I am going to work on that. Your words have been very helpful, thank you. Reading others stories and the replies to my situation on here have really made a difference for me.
I have a serious question for those of you that are transgender.
Is it normal for a trans person (mtf) to go through roller coaster ups and downs (even after wife tell him to stay on medication ) or periods of taking medication, wearing fem clothes , painting nails…. and then all of a sudden change and start wearing men clothes and all of a sudden want to be male. Previously in the past, I thought that his sudden stops had to do with my not being supportive or really quiet or distant. However, this time around , I have been supportive. I have even told him to wear womens clothes , went out a purchased them , painted his nails… you name it. All of a sudden , he now wants to be “normal” is wearing his guy underwear (which he never does) and all of a sudden likes his ” penis”. I feel like this is a big joke…. Like he does this b/c its interesting to see how others respond ( partially how I respond) …. I find it offensive. I do love him to pieces and if this were two years ago, you would have found that I was seriously in distraught about it. Now I am supportive and want him to be happy with himself. I just feel like he is juggling with knives and I don’t think he is real…. with this. Any input based on experience would be greatly appreciated.
Hi Dianne,
as this is a place just for partners of trans people it is preferred that only partners post and reply. This will also be the case with the new forum currently being set up.
I think that is best if you direct your question to forums such as http://www.susans.org/forums/ or http://www.tgforum.com/
Both of these sites receive a high amount of traffic and have spaces for partners or SO’s (significant others) to ask questions. They are easy to access and I am sure someone (or a few people) will be more than happy to answer your questions.
Best of luck.
Thank you kindly for keeping this thread current! I spent most of my sleepless overnight hours reading through all of the comments (scary and benign alike).
A month ago, my husband of 7 years, partner of 14 came out to me as transgendered. It was particularly troubling timing for me, as we had literally just started to try to start a family. That, for obvious reasons, has been placed on hold.
My husband is still trying to figure everything out, as he’s buried his issues so deep it’s taking a lot of reflection to get to the root of his problems. I’ve personally have been very clear with him on the boundaries I have on our relationship. The most important ones are no hormones and obviously no SRS.
How realistic am I being regarding the hormones?
We both eat a vegan diet (or I actually prefer the term plant based, as it’s not for purely ethical reasons) and I’m very hollistic with my approach towards medical treatments. Avoiding meats due to the unnatural use of hormones here in the US seems and then allowing my husband to take hormones that his biologically wasn’t developed to handle sounds hypocritical to me.
Another issue that has been eating me up inside is that it seems there is little to no support for spouses. We are a small bunch, I’ll give you that. However, even living in a major metro area in the US there are multiple support groups (close to half a dozen) for my husband but zero for someone like myself. My husbands out of the closet, but I’m now locked into his closet.
I usually deal with stress through exercise and running. I’m a stupid-crazy person who runs ultramarathons (races up to 100 miles, yes in a single go) and now can’t seem to get myself to run more than 6 miles at a time. When I do, it doesn’t give me the joy it has always brought before.
It’s been my time to reflect and open up to my friends about the deep issues that are bugging me in my life. I’ve lost that now that I can’t talk freely during my runs.
My husband used to deal with his closet by becoming a closet alchoholic. I’m not willing to take that route. Any suggestions from the wealth of experience on this page regarding my seemingly unique issues?
I’ve been with my husband for my entire adult life and can’t imagine a life without him. I just need a good coping mechanism to deal and rekindle the joy I once had in my life not too long ago…
Re-read through my reply. I apologize for all of the grammatical errors. I’m only comfortable looking up and posting on my phone, which leads to tougher proof reading.
Also wanted to provide a few clarifications. He’s told me and has a therapist and support group he’s joined. I have been given permission to tell a mutual friend (one of my running buddies I see semi-regularly but normally as part of a larger group) and a few co-workers so they understand I may be emotionally absent at times to explain my change in behavior.
I completely understand it’s his decision if and when to tell others. Unfortunately, all of my friends are his friends, as we’ve spent our entire adult life together and have moved around the country together making friends together. Therefore, I have to tread very carefully.
Hi Rockjock,
It is really hard when you have values and ethical considerations that conflict with medical choices and potential treatments. Only you and your partner can negotiate this. I suppose some people would argue that receiving treatment (hormones etc) is the same as any other treatment for a medical disease. For example if one had a cancer (say stage 4 bowel cancer) that could only be treated by aggressive surgery and chemotherapy in order to increase chances of survival, what does one do? Would one go down that path even if it was conflicting with their values around chemotherapy? Some people would chose no treatment and a quicker death, others would have the surgery. It is a personal choice.
In regards to hormones and surgery I don’t think what your asking is necessarily realistic. Aside from the health implications and ethical considerations, is there anything else that makes you want to say no to hormones? Many people find that hormone therapy helps alleviate some of the symptoms of their dysphoria and erections can still be maintained. If you are not willing to compromise about hormones, how would you feel if your partner gave a sperm deposit and had an orchiectomy instead?
You need to look after your own mental health and talking it over with people is good. The reality is that you need to accept that your partner and relationship are not going to be the same as it was. Love does not overcome that. Whatever route you and your partner chose probably won’t be easy. It is better to grieve and acknowledge the change in a relationship than to try and recapture something. You can create something different that is happy and joyous, but it will never be the same.
I have some questions as I’ve recently found out that a guy I’ve been in an online relationship with for three years was born female. I have deep feelings for this man (who has never agreed to meet me in person) and finally last week I decided to do some in depth snooping before I came to a decision about how to move forward with or without this relationship.
I found his birth records (with snippets of information he has given me over the past three years) which was when I discovered he was in fact born female.
I have snooped even further and found his facebook, etc, and discovered everything he has told me is the truth … apart from his gender. During our relationship I have never once doubted he is male. There is no reference to him being female (or male) in all the info I have found on him. The name he gave me has been flipped around to make a more masculine name for himself, and he constantly refers to himself as male to me. His appearance is androgynous.
I really don’t know what to think. I have never doubted his feelings for me ,and the one hand I empathise because this is such a huge confession to make after such a long time, and heaven knows how he would expect me to react. On the other hand I feel hurt and deceived. I’m also appalled at myself for snooping on him, but I feel like I had no other choice.
The questions I have are these:
Should I confront him? If he hasn’t told me three years on, is it likely he never will? Have I just wasted three years getting to know and love someone who never had any intention of meeting me? How can I let him know that I would and do accept him regardless of his gender without pushing him to confess all to me? Is there a sensitive way to approach this?
Forgive me if I seem clueless or stupid, or if this isn’t the kind of post you deal with here. I just don’t know what to do…
Hi Ella,
this blog is dedicated to partners of people who are mtf (male to female) not ftm. There are some excellent blogs out there (see the resources page) that will be able to help you and I really suggest you look at them.
It really sucks that you feel hurt and deceived. However, think about it from his point of view. He isn’t have a direct sexual relationship with you, you both get on really well and he probably doesn’t want to lose you. It is confronting to reveal a piece of your past when you don’t know how the other person will react.
If you want to keep the relationship don’t confront him. It will just alienate you both. He probably really does want to meet you but it too scared that you will reject him. If you accept him for who he is then you will need to find a way of saying this sensitively. Have you talked about LGBTI issues before? Bring it up and talk about “a friend who transitioned”. Make him aware of the fact you know about this stuff and are okay with it.
But really do look at some blogs that deal with ftm stuff. They will be more helpful.
First of all I love your site. Like everyone else here says its positive, when all over the place there are only negative answers or your life will be Hell stories out there.
My husband came out to me about a month ago that he wants to be a women. I honestly didn’t react all that well. I thought about leaving, just getting up and driving away. I got to maybe the end of our street and turned around. He’s been my best friend since we were about sixteen; he is now twenty-two, and I’ll be turning twenty-one in about a week. So the thought of just leaving that person that has been there through everything just isn’t a option of me.
But he says that everything will be the same, that our relationship will still be the same. Will it?
I don’t know if I can love him the same way I do now, yes I will always love him for who he is inside, but I don’t know if we can be in a sexual relationship. That isn’t all that matters in a relationship, but what do you do?
In our future I see children and getting old together, I feel as though that might not happen anymore. The kids part. Yes there are sperm banks, and ways around it.
I guess is what I’m trying to ask is how fast or slow should I ask him to take this process?
Or is it even up to me?
I asked him to do things in small steps like shaving his legs, we did that together about two weeks ago and I’m getting used to it.
But what about the actual hormonal process, is that a fast overnight change or you will see changes slowly?
I guess the changes scare me more than anything
Hi Alicia,
Unfortunately your relationship won’t be the same, but elements of it will be. Change in relationships is a fact of life, no matter what. It doesn’t mean it is bad though! Yes, it can be, but doesn’t have to be. It can be beautiful, it can surprise you, it can give you new experiences, lift you up and pull you down.
22 is really good age to transition and so you have some good things going for your relationship. Instead of dwelling on the future of your sexual relationship think about the now. If sounds like you have a big commitment and a lot of love. So for the moment be realistic and say “I will support you through this because I love you, but I don’t know how I will feel about this long term”. Transition can take a long time but it isn’t up to you. Hormones start to show differences in 3-6months. It is recommended that no surgery takes place till after 18 months of hormones. Change will happen really slowly for the first while, so don’t stress about that. Your partner will still most likely be able to have penile sex for a long time too. So be young and fun and take time. Play dress ups at home, help your partner learn how to shave. Watch the hair grow out and be happy together for the moment. You will know how you feel as the relationship goes on and you will figure it out. Definitely get your partner to sperm bank before hormones!
I have to say the comment section… Amazing. After feeling so upset about the blog (hence my first post) all you wonderful commenters have helped so much. The good stories, the bad, the questions, the people replying with advice. This is all wonderful to read and for those links. Thank you. You all have soothed me. Not sure I’ll ever be okay (15 year relationship, most of which he hasn’t been able to work due to mental issues, 2 years ago he told me, only recently has he said he wants to start to transition) but at least I’m not quite so alone / don’t feel quite as much like a bitch now.
My boyfriend of 8 months told me last night that he is transgender. We have never been intimate, but when the topic came up this time he said he had to tell me something first and this came out…. He doesn’t want to transition until medical science can do a better job of it, but he still DOES want to transition. He wants to lose his body hair and slim down and have a feminine body, and he owns women’s clothing already which he has been hiding from everyone. I would be okay with him having a feminine outlook on life (his gentle nature and soft-spoken nature is part of what attracted me after all) and even dressing as a woman on occasion, but the sex change is not something I can live with. I’m a straight female. I like men and I’m just not attracted to other women physically.
I’ve been researching almost nonstop since learning this about him and I’ve come to the conclusion that our relationship is over. I’ve accepted this is not a “phase” and I’m not selfish enough to ask him to stay a man for me, nor foolish enough to even entertain the idea.
It hurts. I love him dearly and thought he could be “the one”. I feel lied to and deceived. I don’t know what to tell my family and friends because I talk about him all the time and they all know I love him, so this breakup is coming out of nowhere for everyone, including me. He’s not ready to tell people about his transgenderism and therefore I don’t feel right telling them that’s the real reason we’re breaking up. He told me he understands if I want to break up. Currently I am “thinking it over” but I’ve made my decision now, I just need to tell him. I hope we can remain friends, even though I do feel very weird about all of this. I want him to be happy.
All of that being said, I agree with the other people here who say transgenders are selfish. If you feel like a woman stuck in a man’s body then you have no business telling people you are a straight male looking for a straight relationship with a woman! I suppose he was afraid to tell me sooner and I understand that to some degree, but still… he led me on, there’s no other way to put it.
Another comment above claims that she is no longer even interested in relationships after going through this with her “boy”friend. I feel the same way right now. Men have always lied to me and this is the craziest lie of them all, and the most difficult to swallow. It’s making me question my ability to read people and choose trustworthy friends/relationships.
You don’t owe anyone an explanation for breaking up with someone. Just do it gently and sensitively. You don’t have to be in a relationship with anyone.
Thank your lucky stars that you have the strength and wisdom to make this decision. Be compassionate as you break up because it’s always the best way to do things, but it sounds as though your boyfriend did indeed lead you on …it also sounds as though he is letting you be the one to break up. This could be sheer graciousness on his part or it could be a manipulation.Since you don’t know, just give him the benefit of the doubt and try to remain friends.
Given your history of men lying to you, tread carefully. I mean, give him support *as a friend* if you feel up to it, but don’t get caught up in his life and issues too much. I have seen far too many former partners used for support and then dumped when no longer needed. It’s heartbreaking. Now this is my own subjective reality talking, because I have experienced it and seen it in loved ones, so please take that into consideration as you read my words. For me, being supportive was also a way to “hang on” to someone with whom I clearly would never, ever have a future. We are all a work in progress.
Look after yourself. Look after you. You have had some hurts and disappointing relationships so now might be a good time for you to look inward to your own issues and simply support yourself to get healthier emotionally so that you won’t be so vulnerable to dishonest relationships. You can still be his friend but first be your own friend. Take care.
Please remember he may not have lied to you on purpose, as it can take time to both figure this out (my girlfriend spend almost a year trying to figure out if she was or wasn’t trans) and also trust and faith in you in order for her to tell you. However that said you have NO obligation to stay with her, it’s your life and hers is hers. She thought she was male, but now realises she isn’t, and if you are straight and love men only then that’s perfectly fine, please don’t torture yourself and feel selfish for not wanting to stay. This wasn’t her choice, it’s simply who she is and took courage to tell you. And it’s not your choice if you no longer feel the same love. But you also have choices; the choice to stay and support, leave and support, or leave and distance. I know how deeply one can fall in love in one year but don’t see it as a loss if it ends. You’ve grown and gained so much and can fall in love again
I’ve been with my partner over 20 years. He revealed he was trans MTF after 13 years together. I didn’t expect that, had absolutely no inkling!
Says he doesn’t want to transition as it wouldn’t solve anything, but I think he’s def. headed in that direction. He’s nearly 50 and depressed quite often.
He cares too much about others opinions and doesn’t want to be laughed at. Hard when many people think it’s OK to make fun of/bully trans people. This attitude does seem to be changing slowly.
I’m just going to enjoy this interesting ride and try not to get screwed up about things by worrying and fretting. I intend to continue to be very nice to him and have as much fun as we can.
I love my bubby. The future can take care of itself… and I can take care of myself if need be. We all come in to this world alone…
Thank you! I can’t tell you how helpful this has been.
this can be very hard in a relationship where one spouse
finds it difficult to be open about subject manors like this
and that can put them into an very awkward position
and can be very scary about things even after reading
other stories about acceptance and self belonging
on the internet and watching tv dramas about these
hard hitting topics that can lead peoples questions
about who they really are issues on transgender
and homosexuality is those hard subjects to be
opened in a relationship can be scary for men
to reveal who they are and that can be hard
for an woman in the relationship to understand
but all these solid issues goes right back to
childhood to see boys dressing up in women’s
clothing but most boys and guys grow out of
it but some others can not even actress
Jamie lee Curtis questioned this and believed
that she was born a man and could not conceive
but this is a very difficult topic within a relationship
Frankie love rock smales
talkbacker.com
Hard to see what you are saying here with the lack of sentences. It sounds like you are saying it is “just a phase some boys and guys didn’t grow out of”? If so, this is completely WRONG.
Wow This has helped me alot .. My husband has been in transition for about a month and a half. He.. *she* has finally come out to her friends and surprisingly both sides her friends and mine have been VERY supportive. She has just undergone blood tests before starting hormones .. probably in the next week..
I can offer some insight into Older children as mine are 20 12 and 7 … My 20 year old is 100% supportive as obviously she understands more then a younger child would.. My 12 year old cried when she first was told.. but now she understands that Daddy will still be daddy on the inside… still telling her to clean up her room and teasing and taunting her about everything that a dad does. As for my 7 year old like you said she doesnt care nor does she notice.. Right now he could come down stairs in a dress and the most she would do is giggle and say ha ha daddys wearing a dress… so there really is no point in trying to discuss that with her.
As for me.. I cried for two weeks. I blamed myself.. for failing as a wife and as a woman .. because before he had come out our relationship was not very good. The therapist even told us that if he had continued to hide it she didnt see us together in say 5 years down the road.
We hadnt had Sexual relations in almost a year and even before that it was maybe once or twice a year.. not that sex is a huge part of marriage but.. None at all it was like living /sleeping with my brother.. We would say we loved each other.. and he would even attempt to tease and touch me but never following thru and I got a complex thinking something was wrong with me. I had Gained weight over the years and thought that that was one of the big reasons he was rejecting me.. Finally one day in the car i flat out asked him what is the problem.. there has to be something wrong … his reply was that he had more on his mind then sex… and he blew up at me.. so i just stopped asking..3 weeks later he came out as transgender MtF… he was relieved like a weight was lifted off of his chest.. It was very odd at first to see him wearing womens Underwear to bed.. now its just normal..
He ( I still have a rough time saying she after being with Him for 12 years) has gone out and bought a few female outfits .. and the time table for him to go full time is in about 6 months from now. The only real problems I had a hard time with was him wanting breasts.. But I got over that… after I saw how happy he was.. I couldnt tell him he couldnt do it.. He has NEVER been so passionate about anythng since ive known him and there is no stopping a transgender person once they want to transition because that wouldnt be right.
I can not comment on how it is when they start hormones.. we have not gotten that far yet.. with in the next week he should be getting them started.
But I have learned as much as they need support and love and understanding.. They also need their personal space To learn and grow for themselves, and you can still be patient loving and understanding without smothering them. :o)
Sure don’t “smother” anyone, but you both should be putting your relationship first otherwise it can become mother/daughter or just friends. We all go through changes of self, but to become selfish can damage the relationship, don’t enable that to happen, you will be so mad at your sacrifice. Life is for you both to be happy and make it a growing experience for you both, together, keeps couples together. It’s a journey for you both to grow as a couple, not you experiencing the change in your partner. Time for you to take some chances and grow as a person too, that class you always wanted to take, degree you wanted, hair style you never felt confidence to try. Grow with your spouse, the kids will see it. It is much more fulfilling to join the journey instead of watching it.
I just want to pop in and leave another comment on here with my perspective because I am very happy in my relationship. I feel a little bit guilty because, while I appreciate the pain so many other commenters are going through, that is not my story. I do not wish to offend anyone, but do want to offer advice to anyone who thinks it may be helpful to them. I want my partner to be herself fully, just as I expect her to allow and encourage me to be myself fully. I completely understand the need to ask your partner to take things slowly…like, “I’m not ready to talk about hormones just yet,” but I think it is terribly unfair to ask your partner to stop short of being who they really are because of what you have determined as deal breakers. You can let your partner know what you think those deal breakers are, AND continue to encourage them to explore what they need, while you do the same for yourself. If the deal breakers happen and you have not become more flexible or changed your mind, then you can go your separate ways. My advice to both parties (as someone who has been married to my partner for 7 1/2 years, the past 1 1/2 during my partner’s transition after she came out to me) would be parallel to my views on life in general: I believe everything happens for a reason, and if it turns out it wasn’t meant to be, then there IS something better waiting for both of you out there. Though I appreciate that at times things may be terribly difficult, I would encourage the partners out there to embrace the unknown that comes with any change, and the possibilities the future may hold. When my partner and I married, we did not commit to “until death do us part.” We committed to supporting each other in being true to ourselves and our personal and spiritual growth, and staying together for as long as we could continue to do that. If you don’t like my advice, then please don’t take it, but I am happy to say, it is working for us! 🙂
Well I am rather the odd person out here as I chose to enter the relationship knowing my partner is MtF. The very scary and strange twist to that is this… after being together for 3 1/2 yrs she has now decided to revert back to being he after being on hormones for almost 10 yrs. That being said it is not a light choice either way because the longer hormone therapy is in effect, the more permanent some of the changes are. I am totally confused and to be honest I never really saw things as “deal breakers” before now. I suppose I was prepared for one journey and was thrown into a U-turn that now has us at some weird stand-off.
My boyfriend recently came out after 3 years that he wants to be a women (MtF) I love her with all my heart and I accept this. Last night I put make up on her but she didn’t seem to sure. I cant imagine my life without her. The thing is I don’t want to get too into this relationship with her because I fear one day she will leave me for someone like her and who will understand her more. She isn’t always truthful to me and lies about small this that if she told the truth about it wouldn’t be so bad. I hate that. But everytime I say to her “if you want us to work you need to be more truthful” she just says “It’s hard for me”. I understand that fully but I just wish she could see that I’m in this boat with her, after 3 years of being through hell and back together I would of thought she would trust me more. It’s hard for me, in the space of 3 days she had told me, she wants to be herself, hormones and then full surgery and I lost it. I stood on a bridge and was going to jump, balling my eyes out each night, even in her arms and cutting myself. It feels to me that she doesn’t want me to stay because when I say im not sure she just reply if you leave me I will understand. As as a 20 year old I wouldn’t have imagined my life like this. She is amazing and I love her but I just feel at times she doesnt want me around.
This helped a lot! I have considered gender therapy and after I get help, I will get marriage counseling. I am genderqueer and my husband does not support me about my gender identity. We have two small children.
I have to admit I have alot of grief and find it very sad that my partner is transitioning. The memories that we shared and the life that we had is over now. I find it sad that the beautiful man I fell in love with, was or is so uncomfortable with who I thought they were, will be gone. At the same time I find it wonderful that they have a brighter path ahead of them. I think it is a real loss for the world, yet at the same time something new will come from that loss. I guess I am trying to say I have conflicting emotions about it all. Yet I think I am comfortable with that conflict. I also realise that support they need at a time like this is beyond what I have to give. I will always love them unconditionally….yet they can no longer meet my emotional needs any more than I can meet theirs.
I have twisted myself in knots over the years trying to met the needs of the men in my life, many times when I really should not have. This man is more deserving of those accomodations in many ways….yet I think I have finally realised my limits. There are many kinds of love, I can love without losing myself to someone else needs.
I have nothing but admiration for the strength of character it has taken for him to begin to undergo this process yet it is not a journey that I can help on in the same way anymore. He is increasingly self focused and selfish by necessity and I find that I need to do the same.
Hello Everyone here,
My ‘boyfriend’ and I got together three years ago, around our one year anniversary during a time I was confessing my concerns of my weight, he confessed about him being transgender. What he told me then was that he felt like a girl, and that being a guy was just not him. It’s been two years since then, and he hasn’t done much. He wears girl clothes every now and then though he tells me the clothes do not help since they are not the real thing. He let’s me call him male terms still, but I try to avoid it and when I can slip in a more female term like she or her or girlfriend. All of this has not been easy and I expect it not to get any easier. Now I did want to be with a guy and you know just have that boyfriend and everything. So why didn’t I leave? I knew that there was no one else in the world that could treat me like the princess that she does. She spoils me so much and I do everything I can to help her. We both want kids and that was a touchy subject for me since I wanted to be the only mom. Honestly though, that doesn’t really matter anymore, the torture I see in her eyes when someone refers to her as he or the stress that she constantly goes through hurts me so much more. Kids (biologically) are going to happen, whether it be the ancient way or banking the critters, it will happen. I guess what I am trying to say is that being a girlfriend to someone who is MTF or going through something is not all about giving up hope and dreams. It is about learning something new and not living by how society tells us too. It about loving that person and their very soul. I understand sometimes it doesn’t work out that way, and it sucks when it doesn’t, but sometimes if you hold out you make actually like the results. Us partners of MTF’s need to stick together, we need help one another, and encourage you to do what you feel is best, but most importantly I want you to be able to understand you don’t have to run as soon as the gate opens (as soon as he tells you he is MTF), that there is hope for those of us who stick with it. Loving someone means to love everything about them, not just their genitals. Please comment below if you need someone to talk too and if ya want leave your email and we can chat! It’s nice to know someone out there knows and inkling of what you are going through. Live. Laugh. Love.
I am more than delighted to find your blog and to read all these comments. You are a powerful, strong, amazing group of women! I have recently fallen in love with a mtf woman. I see this it is bound to be an interesting ride.
Well. . I know about of my beloved one is a transgender, he / she is birn as a male but likes to live as a woman. I don’t care about that , even he would di surgery to change sex, I wouldn’t care. I do love the person.
I always found /find it wonderful to have it both . perfect for me!
But his own battles, depressions make it hard to go through it.
not me is the problem… I do love in any case! he / she the best thing ever happened to me… perfection .. in any case 😀
So, two days ago my wife told me she is transgendered, FtM. I can’t say that I am surprised, we are gay and she is very “butch”. I have previously asked her if she wanted to be a boy, if it was like that, she always said no. Now the truth is out though.
Of course I want her to be happy, I want her to be herself and have expressed that to her fully. I love my wife, we have been together almost 5 years, marred for 1. I don’t ever want to leave her. I’m okay with her identifying as a man, dressing like a man, acting like a man. It’s fine.
My issue is that, I’m lesbian. I love a woman’s body over a man’s any day. Of course my wife wants to fully transition to male, there are a few expected things holding her back (family, work, friends). The main thing is me though.
She says that, if I can’t be with her as a man, then she will stay female for me. That to go through all of the transition process and lose me over it wouldn’t be worth it. She’s tried offering no intimacy so I wouldn’t have to deal with her new appendage. I can’t do that either though.
I feel like either scenario just isn’t fair to either of us. To ask me to be straight is fair or right but, to ask her to stay female is equally wrong. She’s very adamant about staying female to stay with me despite me telling her not to, that its not fair. So now I worry that, if she doesn’t transition and we stay together as lesbians, will she blame me at some point? Accuse me of not being accepting? Even forcing her to stay female?
But if she transitions, and I simply can’t stay with her even after I try, will she blame me for that too? I’m so lost. I want my wife, but I want her to be happy above all else. I don’t know what to do.
Hi Kat,
there are lots of boards out there that deal with ftm better than this site, but I will try to be helpful. The most important thing is to be true to yourself and for you not to lose your own identity. Men and women’s bodies are different and if you only want to be with a woman then it’s pretty tough. You can’t choose for your partner and yes, asking her to stay as a woman MIGHT (but might not) lead to resentment later on. Can you deal with that long term? Think about the relationship both practically and with your heart and try to find a good balance. Good Luck!
There is always hope out there. I am a 24/7 MTF and I am married to the most wonderful cisgender female ever. When we met and married, I was portraying as a man. 2 years into the marriage, I told my wife about me. To make a long story short, we have been together 29 years now and we are completely in love with each other. You can find me on face book — Markielynn Rundell or email me at Markielynn@sc.rr.com. I am a deacon at my church, we both facilitate a transgender support group called Tabby C.A.T.S. My wife, Lori can be reached at Lori Rundell on face book or at skittles8@sc.rr.com.
47 years old male married 11 years 1 kid. I’m transgender. My whole life I have. Even conflicted inside angry with myself. When I started loosing my hair it destroyed me and I didn’t know why.
Growing up I was girly. I liked the name Michelle not my name Michael.
I have always been interested I. Girl things my insiders room as a kid. Dresses, makeup. And I just thought it was me being a perv. But it’s not its me wanting to be female. I don’t know how to tell my wife… I’m scared to death so I keep it all inside. She has asked me if I’m in sexual. If I’m gay. And once if I was transgender. And I vehe,a fly deny it but…it’s true.
How do I tell her. How do I not freak out my family and my kids, and their friends. I need to come out, but I’m getting old in a small town *sigh*
Hi Michelle,
head over to Susansplace or TGboards to talk to people in your situation. This site is just for partners. x
Ok, so I am a younger transgender woman (MtF and about 24 but I have not transitioned yet) and I have been in a relationship with a woman for about two years now. She refuses to accept any particular label, but insists she can picture herself with either a male or female partner and that the “outside” doesn’t really matter to her. About a year ago, I told her that I was transgender and I received nothing but positive reactions. Since then, we have been amazing (relationship wise). She refers to me as her girlfriend, and even says online that she’s in a “lesbian relationship”. She knows I have always wanted to transition eventually and I’m planning to within a few years. It wasn’t until after reading this web page that I had doubts. Could I actually be causing her anxiety and depression? Should I be concerned that her acceptance has been nothing but a front? I love her so much, and I could never bear to hurt her. Is it possible for me to ever make her truly happy? I’m looking for opinions so please help.
Dear Kaelyn,
First of all you can never make someone else “truly happy”. You can add happiness or unhappiness, but ultimately happiness comes from within. One can only react to people, not control them. Depression and anxiety happen to people for a range of reasons. You might be adding to the problem but it doesn’t mean your are the problem. The only way to know for sure is to speak with your girlfriend and talk it over. Talk over all of the possibilities and encourage her to seek professional help in dealing with anxiety and depression.
Ask yourself why you think it is a front? Perhaps it is not a front and you are worrying unnecessarily? Or yes, her acceptance might be a front, but again, talk to her- it is the only way you will ever know. Tranisitioning is hard for partners, some more so than for others. You will just have to accept this and think of it as a journey together.
Finally, this is a site for partners of TG people, but I totally understand why you are asking this question here. Perhaps seek guidance from forums such as Susans Place and TG Boards. Direct your girlfriend here or to other websites if she has questions.
I appreciate your attitude about all of this, and how your stfaight forwrdness didnt candy coat anything. Our partners are who they are, they cant change or be someone we want them to be ( even if that part of them was left out since you met them)but we cant change how they feel inside. And this makes my heart deeply broken. We have a baby with dwnsyndrome and a ten yr old…….i was hapoy before any of this. Im just wtfful that the fiirst thing i googled helped me
i am a transgender male who has been married to my wife for 12 years. I have tried to tell her about it since before our marriage by introducing it in the bedroom and shopping together and showing her that I enjoyed it. She never had an issue with it in that way, so we sort of left it at that for the time being and moved on and had a child. Then 5-6 years later my time to come out fully felt right and we discussed the past times about my dressing. This time her attitude completely changed and said it was unholy and I can’t dress like that full time, only in the bedroom. This was like putting up a brick wall between us, she totally changed her outlook on me. So the entire “living a lie and being deceived” feelings can work both ways. I was open to her and even gave her ample to time to accept and enjoy it, as I do….and then she changes her mind, no excuses, no dressing period! And I think and hope everyone on here realizes no one here asked for this, I would not wish this on my worst enemy. The pain and shame and loneliness it causes to be transgender….it freaking sucks and is the same as cancer, AIDS, Bi-polar, schizophrenic, whatever….people who get these usually don’t want them..So most TG don’t do this with any intent to hurt or decieve anyone else. It’s part of reality and reality sucks. I have a debilitating physical nerve disorder as well, it cause me severe pain most of the time. I have limited usage of my dominant arm and it has gone on for a decade….This was caused by a freak work accident, and with the pain and the pills and the depression from this I am not the same person she married..However she always is upset that I am in pain and limited physically what I can do with the kids and I still work full time and give everything I can for her and my kids, with little to no complaint, because I love them and thats how it goes. But there is one thing that could make me happy and I even have still stuck to her wishes on my tradition….But at this point I am 35 and need to be happy, becoming a female and living as one will give me emotional and mental peace. And I can guarantee regardless of what is between my legs I will be more of the man she married after I begin to transition, than I am as the physical and emotional wreck I continue to be today, and the last 10 years….I am tearing up writing this hoping to find a few suggestions from some wives/gf’s/ females of how to move forward…There are many wonder stories on here and even more wonderful people. But one thing I have learned is that love is blind and if you just marry for sex than its not meant to be….Again, being TG is not easy and is worse than my physical disability any day of the week….The treatment is a lot less horrendous for trangenderism but viewed as so wrong…..I didn’t ask for either of these issues, but I have them, and must live with them for a long time….Can someone please help with any suggestions. ….I do want to leave all the ladies with one fault, it does take a real man to admit he wants to wear a dress……..i look forward to your help….!
Madeline
It sounds like she is really unhappy and probably has been for a long time. Like you say, “I’m not the man she married” and she is upset a lot of the time. Without discussing the transition you need to sit down with your wife at a time free from distraction (no kids phones etc.. go for a walk, or drive and park) and talk to her about how she honestly feels. Talk about your marriage and her happiness and what works for her and what doesn’t. What she wants from life and is she happy with you. Not just superficially happy, but really soulfully happy. It sounds like she isn’t. If you can’t work on your marriage now it won’t survive transition. Being transgender is not “being a man” and it will fundamentally change your relationship. You are also really unhappy “a physical and emotional wreck”- think about the impact that has on your wife. Transition involves huge social/ pyscho adjustment not to mention surgery etc. Do you want/ expect her to look after you? Being in a relationship can be more lonely than being alone. When was the last time you two laughed with each other or went on date? Did something spontaneously romantic? My point is you can’t put a bandaid on a broken leg- you need to fix the broken leg (your marriage) first. If you can’t, it might be really sad but divorce. Transition is about you and you are doing it for YOU! You need to be the best you can be for transition and often a bad marriage is not the place to transition. This sounds harsh, but I am trying to be realistic here.
If you haven’t already head over to susansplace or TG forums and get some help on the forums there.
Love is more complex for people who are cis, trans people are looking just for acceptance and they are not able of real love because they love themselves too much! I know its not easy for you, but you didn’t tell your wife who you really are: you showed her like a play. She didn’t know you will become a woman one day, if she knew that she might not have married you. Sex is part of love, also behavior, roles in relationship etc.
(Edited)
Me and my partner is also going through this right now.
Although our relationship was going down hill Before he came out due to lack of understanding and commincating within the relationship.
And when he told me, ofc i felt hurt, as I been asking him for 5 years what i do wrong, and all he said was “he is happy”.
Now, he still have feelings for me and do not want to lose me, but all my feelings have change.
I feel guilty and hurt ofc at the same time for wanting to leave him in a sensitiv situation and also i want to go on with my Life.
So all is my bad due to have found someone else as I have been so unhappy all this time.
I found this site. Thankfully. My boyfriend has just come out and told me he is taking the hormone pills. I’m a 21 yr old straight woman and my boyfriend is taking those pills. I don’t know what to do oor how to feel. I know I love him. I left states to be with him and now…I’m trying to be supportive but I’m so confused and don’t know anything….I have no clue what to do. I don’t want to lose him…but..I’m not sure what him becoming a woman would mean for us…
Dear Anonymous,
it’s a tough situation isn’t it? Many women have been like you and fallen in love with “a man” only to find out he is transgender and a woman. Going out with a woman isn’t like being with a man and no-one should pretend it is. It is great that you are being supportive but take time to think about you. You and your partner are young, there is no need to rush into promises of staying together forever. Not only can it be hurtful when a partner is transgender, I think it can also be humiliating (-I’m not saying that necessarily applies to you) and you need to address emotions that arise. If you love being with men and can’t imagine being with a woman then maybe you need to be just friends?
It’s odd…he says he feels like a woman. But doesn’t want to lose his man parts. He…I don’t even know. He feels like a woman…is like a man. I don’t know
Although I agree with the above comment, that it is tough finding what you thought you had is now different, and if you are straight as you say then please, don’t feel guilty for ending a relationship, whether you support from a friend perspective or have to distance yourself, you have to think of yourself too.
However I disagree with anybody who replies to questions like yours with the idea you are young.
Regardless, I feel the fact she started taking hormones without conversing her feelings to you before is a sad signal. I can understand the brevity of it, and maybe she kept it to avoid hurting you and because she knew it would mean losing you. But it can show lack of trust, and also her putting her feelings above yours. I can’t read her mind, take this with a pinch of salt. She is the same person you fell in love with. But she isn’t a man, and if you cannot feel love for her as a woman, it’s okay ❤ you're not alone,and I believe she's indeedtand
That’s what I was trying to say, but much better put.. thank you!
Apologies I wrote the wrong word there, the last words were supposed to be ‘I believe she’d understand’
I don’t want to leave my boyfriend who’s taking pills to be “female” I love him but I can’t be lesbian. I’m not attracted to woman. Him and I have both said we can’t lose each other. I just don’t know what to do or think. And he even said he feels like a woman and man in one body so…idk…Im so confused
You don’t “have” to do anything. You have time to figure it out and it sounds like he is confused too- or at least trying to figure things out. Give it some time. This was my point earlier about being “young”- there is no rush. Not everyone who is transgender wants to go through with a full transition. Some people only want to take estrogen and not have SRS or anything.
Take your time, you don`t have to decide anything right away. Your boyfriend I`m sure is also confused. Transition takes years, you will know soon enough if the relationship is right for you.
It`s hard enough for “straight” couples to know what they want. In the mean time, just try to get to know each other, as you were before
Although I’m sad to think of all you others who are feeling/felt what I’m feeling right now, I’m so glad to have read this article and the comments below. My husband has been going through gender issues too. There is so much going on – he has put us into huge debt while hiding a prescription drug addiction, he is bulimic, neither of us is working, he is in a mental health clinic since last night because of being suicidal, I’ve no family in the country, we have an 11 month old, and I discovered this week that I’m pregnant again.
I need him back so bad. It feels like the man I know and love is being ripped from my grasp, and I’m trying to hold onto him but I dunno if I can keep him from disappearing. I worry so so much about my baby and the one growing inside me.
Hello my name is laura, I am 25 years old and I am from spain (sorry for my english)..me and my boyfriend have been dating for one year and 4 months and I was amazed how much we got to love each other.. I fell so deep in love.. He is so smart, carismatic, nice, loyal, and i felt a deep genuine connection from the very beginning.. A connection that has become stronger in time.. The relationship was awsome, (the sex too.. Hahha).. But.. One week ago he told me he was transgender.. He wants to star a MtF transition process.. And i am feeling in shock and confused because I don’t like women.. I cannot imagine myself in relationship with a woman.. But in the other hand i dont wanna loose that person because shes awsome.. At times i only love her as a friend and that makes me feel soo depressed because is the same person i was so in love one week agoo!?! But yesterday we went for a cofee and i was feeling sexually attracted to her.. I am so confused.. If I could.. I would turn bisexual and go on with the relationship without hesitating… But in the other hand i have never liked girls.. Is it possible that an heterosexual woman gets to love and have a relationship with her Mtf boyfriend\girlfriend? Thank you for your help and support
Hi i am laura agai.. Sorry i forgot to comment one important thing..he feels like a wpman but a lesbian woman (she like woman and she likes me and loves me veryy much) 😦
Laura! This is absolutely like me! I’m young, I’d only been with my girlfriend a year or so when she came out, but like you I found myself suddenly like wait. I still like her, im still attracted. So I guessed I was bisexual 🙂
It’s up to you, but you can just keep going. If the transition starts feeling too much for you, maybe you find you can’t love the same once the genitals are different or such, there’s no shame in putting yourself first. I’m taking it one day at a time and loving my girlfriend, if that does fade then we’ll part (hopefully as friends) and if it doesn’t then well, you keep going.
What im basically saying is you don’t need to make an outright decision now. Her transition might not get properly started (with hormones and the like) for a while, so you’ll both have time to talk things through, communicate and see what you feel is best. 4 months is long enough to form strong bonds I know, so I won’t jump to tell you to leave. I wish you luck regardless of what happens ❤
Hi,
I know this post is kind of old so I really hope someone replies. I have been with my boyfriend for 5 years now. I didn’t know he was MTF until the one year mark. I had even agreed to marry him and I truly still want to marry him now. When he first told me I had no idea what transgender was. I was only seventeen years old and I was deeply in love with the young man in front of me. So when he told me I let him cry in my arms. He had told his family a year before and it was a bad scene so he lied to his family and said that he got over it. Throughout the years he would only let me see that side of him very rarely and wouldn’t even talk to me about it so unfortunately in my mind it was hard for me to understand that he felt so strongly about it. But now,….we haven’t stopped fighting since Christmas about miscellaneous things at first about the past issues that had happened that I didn’t even know that I bothered him. but I finally told him that I wasn’t sure I could support his decision to become a woman. …I just found out that my grandmother had cancer. She is my last relative alive besides my parents and brothers. If I were to run away with my partner I would never hear from them or my partner’s family again. The thought of losing anyone else pains me deeply and to be my fiancée’s sole support system by myself is a lot of pressure. He finally told me recently how depressed and suicidal he actually is… I just feel confused. On top of that, he has sworn me to secrecy, I have no one to talk to about this and I asked to go with him to his therapist and so he can finally tell his therapist but he fears it will raise questions to his family and raise their med bill. Honestly, though I am perfectly fine with him dressing in front of me, maybe not in front of the family but I’d be fine. I kind of like it. But another concern is I want to have children and I read that hormones will make having a baby very difficult. I am sorry I am rambling and this is such a long post but I truly just need some support. I’m tired of trying to support him alone. And I’m tired of being fearful that his secret might be out but I need help. I just am confused but still in love with him.
I’ve been with my partner for almost three years and we have a 7 month old baby. We are a politically progressive and educated couple when it comes to gender issues; we talk about gender politics literally every day as a part of our jobs. Over the years, we have had many conversations about our gender identities and he has completely denied being gay or trans. I trusted him totally because I always figured that if he was indeed gay or trans, he would have no issue claiming that, since our conversations around the topics were so commonplace. My partner has been emotionally shut off from me for quite some time. He has had issues with anger and clearly resented me for something, and it has heightened in the months after our baby was born. I asked him constantly to share his feelings, but he would always say that I was being overbearing by asking. Last month he finally admitted that he is lesbian identified MtF, and I am beyond heartbroken and devastated. I feel strongly that he has had countless opportunities to share his thoughts and talk to me about his feelings, even if those feelings were emerging or recently consolidating. I feel that everything about my life has been turned upside down. I feel like I had a baby with a stranger and that everything I wanted to for my life, love and family has been destroyed. My despair is compounded because I feel like he thinks because of our shared gender politics that I should not see this as a big deal and that I should have an easier time accepting this. I feel like I know the ‘script’ of what I’m supposed to be doing to support a trans person, but I feel so completely hosed and betrayed I can’t possibly be supportive right now on his terms.
I am totally new to this. I am a straight female with kids. my boyfriend has told me that he wants the full male to female transgender life. This came as a shock since we have been dating as a straight couple for 3 years. He has also told me i am the only one he ever trusted telling me his secret to. . At times i seem to be ok with it and at other times im not. I love him/her enough that i openly told him/her that i would let go for him/her to be happy. he/ she wont let go of me because of loving me deeply. Of course i have kids and they know. One is ashamed of it because he is just starting into his teen years and the younger one dont care at this time. We both want the relationship. he/ she has had open communication with me concerning the transgender life and has answer some of the questions. I wanted to reach out and talk to others on how feelings and life plays a part. Just have a lot of questions without answers.
Thank you for writing this article, my boyfriend just told me that he has been battling with gender confusion for a while, and he believes it’s connected to abuse that he suffered when he was younger. I’m currently helping him through this, but he makes it sound like it’s something that he can fight, and I don’t know if that’s true. This is why I’m doing my research, and I sincerely appreciate you publicizing your own experiences in order to ease the minds of others.
Hi Sarah!
This sounds similar to some of what I am going through with my boyfriend. He feels much of the same way about what you have shared. He gives me the impression that it’s something he doesn’t have to do. It’s early for me so far. I asked him what he wants and he only repeats that he loves me and wants to marry me. I asked him if he wants both (me and being a transgender MtF) he asked if that would be possible.
I love what some of the people here have said about being in love with the person, the heart and mind and not the body (though I love his manly body). My boyfriend also has multiple personility disorder, so I really just wonder about him in general. I have seen him go through several of his personalities but never this female side. Don’t know what to make of it all and I’m really emotionally spent and I am sure he is also. I want him to be happy, truly happy, even if I can’t be the one to do that for him.
Is there any hotlines or like a ‘big brother big sister’ sponsor type place I can go to for help. My boyfriend of 3 years told me tonight he wants ‘to be a tranny’ he said he wants to talk to someone who’s done it. I have no idea how to react but I am worried for him emotionally. Please send me some information of where I can send him for help.
Hi Sabrina,
first off, “tranny” is a really derogatory word. Please send your partner to http://www.susans.org/ or http://www.tgforum.com/wordpress/ or http://www.reddit.com/r/asktransgender/
TG partner
I know that isn’t the best word to use but I quoted it because that is exactly the way he told me. I’m actually really concerned about that too because he is not derogatory at all and for him to use that word was kind of a hint to me that he’s maybe thinking that it’s a bad thing or that I’ll think it’s a bad thing. I’d never refer to anyone that way. I did offer him the websites and he looked kind of appalled at me when I did. It was a hard pill to swallow and we had soooo many issues in our relationship so far, I don’t know if it will survive this but I know he really needs me, or someone but he’s completely shut down now, idk what to do… I guess he’ll come around but at the same time, it’s what he’s always done, bring up something that’s been weighing on him and then shuts down, this time it’s not the bills or how loo MG I take getting ready, I don’t know how to handle it…
877-565-8860 is the trans life line phone number. They can help both of you..
Thanks Missy- I am not based in the USA so it is hard to know what specific resources there are for people in the US 🙂
I have also been through a similar experience. My husband is about to start hormones and start the transition to female. It’s something I’ve been dealing with for about 3-4 years since he started cross-dressing at home. At first. he said that he did not want to become a woman and that it was just fun to wear women’s clothes. That has since changed. I’m now in my mid 30’s and 2 weeks after we had our first baby together he told me he wanted to live as a woman. We have been together for 12 years and now our baby is a toddler. We are actually talking about having a 2nd baby together. I am not going anywhere and I plan to stay with my love. It has been a VERY tough few years. I mourned. I cried. I thought about divorce. I thought about dying. I thought about it all. After a lot of soul-searching I realized that I fell in love with the heart, mind and soul of this person, not their body. We have made a life together. I want to raise a family and live with this person the rest of my life, male or female. If my husband was in a terrible accident and got disfigured and didn’t look the same way, I would still love him. Society puts so much pressure on “fitting in” the right box and gender norms, so if you can see past the social constructions our society creates around gender than it makes it much easier to live and breathe freely. I recommend seeing a therapist who has experience with these issues. It has helped us. It has really pained me over the past few years to see my husband so depressed. I would also probably be extremely sad and depressed if I didn’t feel like myself in my own skin. What a terrible thing to go through in life…to not feel like yourself. That’s one reason I wasn’t terribly upset that he “lied to me.” This is such a taboo subject that it much be so difficult for trans people to be honest from the beginning in a relationship. It takes time for the individual to admit it to themselves and then feel comfortable opening up. I only want the best for him and so I choose to support him all the way. Our love runs deep…and in the end….that’s all that matters.
Hi OP.
I don’t usually do this but I’m in over my head a little.
I recently met someone who is transgender MtF and on hormone therapy pre-op. I am a straight male of 20, she’s 22, and besides this I’ve found myself growing to like her alot but as I said, I’m in over my head. I know my friends won’t get it and my family probably won’t but I can’t shake how I feel. I have my reservations as I’m so young and this is all new to me but any advice would be great.
For a start, why do you have to tell your family that she is transgender or even pre-op. It is not anyone’s business but hers. If she has trusted you with that information take it as a privilege, not as a right or given.
You have nothing to lose from dating someone if you want to. You can always break-up if you don’t like it or can’t deal with it.
You don’t have to have penetrative sex. Your relationship doesn’t have to be defined by what other people do or their expectations.
Me and my boyfriend are both males…well my Elliot not exactly as he has a genetic disorder called pseudohermaphriditeism(the exterior genitalia is different from what you expect on the inside genitalia) and i technically classify as bisexual but…i just can’t get over the fact that he wants to fully be a woman. I have nothing against trans people at all it is just a little heart breaking knowing i can never say i love Elliot ever again…I have to say I love Sophia.
My husband of 4 years (we have been dating for 9) has recently told me he wants to transition to female. I am having such a hard time with this because I love him so much and we have a 1 1/2 year old son. I cry every single day like sobbing. I haven’t done a lot of research on it because I know how I feel about it. I want a marriage where I am desired by a man. I am not a lesbian and don’t want to be one. He told me if I stayed he wouldn’t transition but he would need to express his femininity in other ways which I am not comfortable being with him in public with nails on or other things so I am not ok with that either. Only one person in my family knows and I know the majority of them will not be accepting they are very religious, he will be in my life forever because of my son and he wants me to stay… but I just can’t. However if I do leave I lose my family. I am such a mess right now.
I understand how you feel completely. I didn’t mention that I have a child with my transgender partner also. I also feel devastated and hurt. He has been talking to me about his feelings on who he is and although I am able to talk with him about it, I feel so sick in my stomach. My boyfriend is so manly and has a beautiful male body and I don’t want to lose that. I just think he’s so wrong about this. I have never seen him dressed up or female like and when he talks about doing it, again, I feel betrayed. Like I don’t even know who he is and I was wrong about everything. I am currently seeking therapy even though it’s only been two days since I’ve known. He is 39 and has had these feeling for a long time and I have to be reasonable that he will always feel this way. Don’t know what to do, I don’t want to be with anyone else but I don’t want my boyfriend to be my girlfriend. I am scared, confused and so sad.
I’m in the same situation but we have no children together but we have custody of his son from anther marriage. We were best friends for 10 years and dating and married for almost 6 years. He is my love and watching him die away is killing me, my beautiful big manly husband is almost gone . I’m having a really hard time letting him go. I cry daily I’m so depressed it really feels like my love died.
Hi thank you for writing your blog i found it really helped put my mind at ease i am in a 6 year relationship now with my mtf partner and we have had our ups and downs and discrimination from some family members who eventualy wanted to speak and are making a effort now 🙂 she found it difficult that she was losing a son but gaining a daughter which is understandable. I lost alot of friends who didnt agree with me staying with my partner but they wernt true friends then since my partner has started hrt she has been alot happier aswell and everything is great with us we also have a 3 year old who calls her mummy which makes her light up. I would say if you are inlove with someone outside appearence doesnt matter as its who they are inside and if your happy just go for it as you only live once 🙂
Hello,
I stumbled across this page looking for a few answers. Just over. A year ago my husband of 10 years told me he likes to cross dress. There were tears from both sides and anger from mine at first then we moved passed that. We have two children. A year on, he tells me he has gender dysphoria and that he is associates with all transgender stuff. He has fake silicone breasts, make up, shoes and wigs. He does not do this in front of me or the children. He has told me that he loves me and the children but needs to explore this other/new side to him. He also said he doesn’t find men attractive but doesn’t want to use his penis and is investing money to buy a male charity device. He has also mentioned that as his ‘female ‘ self he consider giving oral sex as a woman and would like his own breasts. He says he is confused but like many of the posts I have read I don’t know where to go from here. I am trying to keep my marriage but at the same time I feel is is so ready to ‘explore’ it makeshift angry that he would want to leave us all behind! Where does it really leave me? If it was just dressing up I think it would be different and easier to accept. However, if he is thinking about sexual relations with other as a transgender male, not wanting to use his penis in the traditional sense with a heterosexual woman then I don’t know what to do! At home I see the man I have always known but we have not been sharing a bed as husband and wife for 3 months now and things are getting awkward at home? Would you take him back? Any words of wisdom very welcome. I am not ready to give up my marriage but at the same time I don’t know if I could like with the person my husband wants to be even in a part time sense. Can anyone help?
Irene please seek counseling, this is hard time in your life and need to stay sane for your kids. I don’t know how much marriage you have left, I don’t know if there is anything to save anymore. I was in the same situation almost 2 years ago, and I was pregnant too, so I was lost, confused, disgusted and I lost my trust and love for him when he said he was attracted to men and women! Afire that to tell me he was pansexual! I decided to live because that was not marriage anymore, I mourned, grief, was angry, I was horrible depressed, could not see the light at the end of the tunnel and wanted to take my life. I didn’t do it because I didn’t want to hurt my family, but I was there 2 times, ready to go because I could not take the pain, betrayal, disgust. When he started to present 100% as a female it made me so sick I threw up after seeing him. I decided to live and be out of all the confusion, marriage was over, I thought I was selfish but I was not! He has more support than we do, he will be fine, we don’t have support, its hard, but you need to have friends and family around you when you go trough this. You can’t do it alone. You also need to protect your kids, and keep them away from confusion and all craziness. If you divorce protect yourself financially, talk with a lawyer how to do it before you start the divorce. Make sure he didn’t make more credit while married to you for his boob job, or hair removal or SRS in Thailand where he used his retirement money, which half supposed to be yours.
I wish I could tell you there was a support group to help you. If you stay there may be, but if you leave there is nothing! Its such a layered situation, you are looking your marriage your husband but he is not really dead have to deal with all the juridic and civil things, so its hard to have closure. Your kids will need counseling as well deepening on their age. I wish you well! Stay strong!
Hey, a big thanks for this blog and all the comments. I know for nearly 3 months now that my “boyfriend” is my beautiful girlfriend. I hesitatet not a single moment, I knew I would love her forever, even as a girl. (Well, I guessed I was bisexual a few years ago, but was never too sure, guess i am now)
First I am really happy to read some positiv stories here and read that there are partners who survived transition together. That is what I wish for me and my girl too.
But I am really really afraid. There are so many things nobody can predict. And I know it will be a very difficult time and I need to be strong. I am just afraid that I am not strong enough and can’t stay with her.
My question is, is there a forum or a chatroom for partners like us? I feel I need someone to talk to, to chat with, someone who understands the situation and can help me trough the dark times and difficult questions.
I would be very very thankful for some tips
Love, Kate
I have known my husband since we were children.
We have young children of our own now.
He is the most loving, unselfish, responsible, and caring person I’ve ever met. He supported us through me being incredibly ill. He’s driven, educated, supportive, and my soulmate.
Yes, he want to transform. It’s ok. He, she, whatever pronoun you want to use, is the same person I’ve loved, married, and spent my life with. There isn’t some magical switch that changes who SHE is. This isn’t some life ending tragedy. No, life doesn’t always go as we scripted and planned, and that is okay. I’m sure she wasn’t planning on me getting cancer at 30 and caring for our children while maintaining a high level and demanding career. I suppose when I first found out, I pitied myself, and felt grossed out. I realized it was ME who was being selfish. Who am I to tell someone who they should be, how they should think or feel, because it’s what I’ve planned out for my life and my marriage? The cancer stuff just reaffirmed that.
I would never consider my partner selfish. I’ll be here until the end no matter what the consequence.
Good for you! If you know him since you were children I am sure this didn’t surprised you. I thought my ex husband was nice, sincere, big heart but when I could not accept what he was becoming because I was not attracted and didn’t like his behavior I had a switch shifted OFF. You are lucky to have each other! Good luck!
My boyfriend just came out to me two days ago. At this moment, I am in the grief stage, feeling betrayed and that my life has been wasted. He has been taking hormones for the past seven months without my knowledge. He confessed that he had done before, years ago before we were together. I’ve known him only as a very masculine man and seeing him look more feminine is absolutely heartbreaking for me. Mostly because of the feeling of betrayal, like cheating maybe, being lied too and him living in a double life. I know I may seem selfish right now but I hope someone out there can understand. My boyfriend told me that he did this while we were on tough times and not getting along. He stated that if I marry him and come back to him for good he will stop hormones and live his life as a man. Like you have said, I have my doubts about that for many reasons. I don’t want him to live a lie. He also has so many strong feelings about being a failure as a guy and a loathing for himself as a male because of being raped and molested as a young boy. You mentioned many transgender people having a great deal of mental issues. Thank you so much for sharing your story.
Move on with your life! He will be fine because he will be who he wants to be. You are not selfish! You deserve to be with a person who will not lie to you and will be sincere. I know they might want to be loved feel loved and that is why they might lure you into a relationship with them when they didn’t figure out who they are and what they want. Spare yourself of confusion and darkness. I am sorry for them, but I also want their partners to be happy.
Fully agree with the comment above, my experience exactly. They love themselves so deeply and are so focused on themselves, that you and your needs are just a background noise to them. Don’t fool yourself, move on asap. I didn’t and in retrospect it was a mistake.
Reading through all these comments has been beautiful, touching…they’ve made me cry and realize things I hadn’t even thought about…. I am 21…and I’ve been slowly falling in love with a man I’ve never met in person, and have only really known him for about three years now, and he just came out to me as transgender and plans to transition m-t-f next summer. I just, don’t know what to feel right now, but reading through this has given me hope. I consider myself a hetero woman, and I don’t know if him/her and I will ever be in a romantic relationship, even if he never decided to transition…Not being with him/her breaks my heart. Just, so much to think about and consider and come to terms with. The worst thing to come to terms with is not being with him, as a man, though. The possibilities, all the fantasizing about sex, that is all changing now. It makes me feel selfish to say that but I love the male body, his male body. But when it comes to true love you really do love the person on the inside. Do I love him right now? Or will we simply end up as friends? So much confusion and uncertainty, but I have faith that whatever does happen, at least he/she will be happy, and that matters the most to me, even if I have to settle for being unhappy for some time while I comes to terms with all this. I hope that everyone in this thread is doing well, in whatever stage they are with their significant others, and I wish you all the best ❤
Sometimes I get really fed up of my Girlfriend* as she comes out for days on end and really just want to spend time with my boyfriend, who I dont see often as we’re in a long distance relationship, i never tell her I don’t want to talk to her because she rarely comes out and I dont wanna be the one to shut her away forever, how can I cope with this and stop feeling this way?
From a heterosexual girlfriend of a transgender.
* I call her my girlfriend as from the moment he came out to me I said I would commit my relationship to her too, if i loved him I loved her too etc.
I’m 25 and my Husband is 26. He just recently started seeing a therapist who specializes in transgender and gender fluid issues. I will also need to see a therapist, as I’m not dealing with it as well as I would like. I love my husband so so much, it makes my heart ache to think I could end up losing him. I know I can’t go through a transition with him. Every time I try to imagine it I know I can’t do it. I know I’m not having the right conversations with him because every time we talk about it I want to know, do you want to take hormones? Do you want to transition?? And he says he doesn’t know. For me this is worse than knowing either way. I feel like I am really invested in him, and I’m terrified of having an uncertain future. I can’t think of a question in particular. I mostly just want to reach out because I feel so scared. I love him so much, he is a part of me. I feel like a selfish peice of shit when I think about us not being together because I can’t handle it. Or worse, if he suppressed a part of him self to keep me happy.
I’m also not a patient person by nature so it gnaws at me constantly.
Thank you. I know you probably can’t help me. Sometimes I just need to get it off my chest.
-Lilly
Dear Lillian,
¨Every time I try to imagine it I know I can’t do it¨
I think you are wrong and your mind is trying to mold you into ¨what is normal¨.
Step out of the box, maybe this process can free yourself as well as make you accept your partner.
Acceptance,
Some people are attracted of what is called “normal” and that is what makes them free, by staying in a relationship that is not bringing happiness and is not satisfying to both parts there is restriction, there is no freedom! So maybe some people should also accept that some partners can’t accept the mold you try to give which might be restrictive for some of us, as way as our “normal” mold is restrictive to some of you. Same way was some of us are trans and some are cis and some are homosexual and some are heterosexual.
Hi. I’m in this boat too and if you’d ever want to talk and share thoughts and feelings I’m actually looking for some support? If you wouldn’t like that just ignore this comment, but I thought I’d put it here anyway. Thanks X
Lilly,
I felt like you I wanted to know all the answers, but trans don’t know all the answers from the beginning they figure it out in time day by day. That is something I could not live with because I was a controller and and a planner, I want to know, plus my ex was changing his mind from a day to another, and this constant change was not for me. I felt like I was living with a ticking bomb so I left, and I am back to my controlled planned life, without my ex and life goes on and I am happy most if the times, but I am more happy than I was when I was with him. Another reason was that I wanted my ex to be happy and I wanted to be happy, if he was going to suppress a part of himself, what he will suppress will explode later, the brain can’t suppress things for too many years! So was not fair for him or for me. Unfortunate both of us to be happy was not to be together, was for him to be who he wanted and not try to be who I thought he was, and I was not able to be who he wanted me to be, this free woman who could be super flexible and be married to a trans woman and be happy. I felt like a shitty person, but less because he didn’t tell me from the beginning the whole truth about himself, and he started to transition and lied he did not, he was not the same person I married, the person with integrity and who would sacrifice himself for others that he presented to me and others! So for us to be happy we had to separate. I could not see life without him, but I could not see myself alive with him, so was the best to leave. Everybody is different and has different capabilities I know my limits and if I didn’t in certain things and I discovered I could push more on my limits, this was something I could not do, that was my limit! He is a full she now and happy with a new partner so life goes on for him. I chose celibate for now and life goes on for me, I can smile and enjoy life, but my life altered after this experience and my dreams changed.
Wouldn’t it be simple if when someone transitioned they simply wanted to change clothes, or body parts? I feel like I could accept my partner if this was the case- and still be attracted to him, as her. But in a week since his revelation (finally realising it himself, not a long closeted secret), he has changed his dress, mannerisms, voice, hair, facial expressions, the way he moves, is it even the same person?
There are some people on here that want to make us out to be unaccepting, non-loving, non-liberals because we struggle to embrace the new person our partners want to be become. There is no guarantee we will love that person in the same way, just the same as being with any partner who doesn’t yet know themselves well, will inevitably change throughout a relationship as they grow, until we realise, they are not who we thought they were- they are not who *they* thought they were.
It doesn’t change the love we had/have, but it does change the compatibility of the relationship. I just wasn’t ready to lose him, I would hold onto him as her, but not if that means her being someone different to the person have know all these years. That’s a whole new person inside there bursting out, it’s a rebirth.
As someone that loves him, I will support her 100%. I look forward to taking her shopping, clubbing, and generally showing her off to the world, sticking by her with whatever comes her way.
As someone that loves myself, I will have to gage whether the relationship is still right for me. It’s just not as simple as swapping he for she. I really wish it was.
Q,
You might be talking about a person like me! I didn’t like and accepted who my husband had become, was nothing I liked about him anymore and that is because I like masculine, I like aggressive, i like facial hair, I like body hair specially chest hair, I like a masculine voice, I like a penis, I like testicles, I like the way a man smells, I like the smell of male testicles, I like the pheromones a male has. I don’t like make up and pink nail polish, I don’t like the feminized voice and feminized mannerism, I don’t like lesbian sex, so by dressing as a woman, by not acting naturally like a man I am not attractive. Maybe if my husband will loose his testicles due to cancer I will be there because he will still have his mannerism, he will still have his chest hair and facial hair. Love is conditioned to many things than just looks or soul. Love is conditional because we are mammals we are physical, in the back of our brain we want to mate we want offspring and we want to find the best pick that will give the survival offspring, we also want somebody who is at peace with who they are and what they do and at peace spiritually. Again this is based on my own opinion as a biologist, heterosexual, Christian, European woman in my 40’s
Thank you so much for your comment. I also agree, if it would be changing just he for she but it comes with a bigger package.
I have been married for 5 years now and we have two beautiful children, still very small to understand what is going on however trying to make them very open minded people with no prejudice and being very tolerant. At least this is what we can learn, offer and give them for their life.
When we got married I did not know that my husband is transgender. He was already divorced when we met however he was dating other women after the divorce and he looked very masculine. Of course, that was also the reason why I was attracted to him. Now when I know how he really feels, I feel like being in a circle, asking the same questions all over again. of course I do love him very much and want to be as much supportive as possible but when he becomes HERSELF, it feels like a different person. Suddenly he cares about stuff he would never care and being HERSELF is just not him. Or it is him just not the side that was showed to me before. I love him very much and he has been hiding it for more than 40 years, now believes it is time to come out. On one hand I want to support him but I know that our marriage will not last. I am not lesbian (had sex experience with a woman and did not really enjoy it) and myself I do not care too much about shopping and make-up and have no understanding for him being hours in the bathroom.
t makes me sad because I know he does not want to loose me and our family being together so he is pretending to be the same but I know he is very unhappy inside which makes me unhappy and if I want to let him go and support on a friend basis, he says he loves me very much and will try to push it but I know it is impossible and then he does things behind my back just not to hurt me. But then I find out and I feel cheated because we talked about it and agreed to be honest with each other. On one hand I won’t let go and I am being selfish and on the other hand I wand to give him life he deserves finally but I know I cannot be part of it.
I am scared, I am angry, I am sad, I am furious, I am terrified and I am in love with him. Until I found your website, I was only crying by myself even though it has been already two years I found out. Thank you for all your comments, knowing that I am not alone even though it feels like it often as no one knows the truth…
Honestly, my problem is, I probably am doing the wrong thing, but see, I turnes transgender in november 2014 & later on a transgender girl said she likes me while I had a crush on her. Now we’re together and the REAL problem is: I don’t want to be transgender. I want to be a cis-gender male, but I know that if I do decide to become a cis-gender male, that I’ll turn transgender one day no matter what. But I just rather stay as male until I’m truly ready to be who I really am (except I’d like to not have a besrd or mustache please… 15 and it’s already growing…), but see, I have a Twitch channel and people enjoy my streams (I think, if they don’t then idk why they followed me) and I speedrun games. Thing is, if I do ever come out, I would be in a dangerous position as people may hate me, as coming out live with people watching is a hard thing to do. Sure, right now I’m just a little streamer on Twitch, but with 1/4th of the views I got following me and how fast I get follows, I would soon have a lit of follows that I’d have to come out to.
But my real problem is, since I decided to try and be a male for a little longer, I want to tell my girlfriend that. But I’m scared she’ll look differently at me. And that’s the thing. I don’t want to lose her, I don’t care if I’m trans or not ot if she suddenly turns cisgender for real, I just don’t want to lose her. But I know I’ll lose her one day. And I’m scared of that, and me trying to be male, might speed up the breaking up process which I’m scared of. But I’m too scared to be transgender and that’s exactly the thing. I know I’m trans but I want to be cis. I don’t want to be trans but I don’t want to lose my girlfriend. I don’t care if I have to kill a dog, I just don’t want to lose her. (Except I’d suicide before I kill the dog, so… yeah)
I just wish this could be easy. I love her… I know it’s a stupid decision of mine, but as someone who cares more about their viewers on Twitch over their own gender, it’s really frustrating. But hey. My voice is too low so I can’t just say I’m a female while live, that’s… meh. People would be disgusted probably.
My worst fear is getting a speedrun World Record of a popular game when everyone knows I’m transgender (in a few years that is), it’d be… weird. So I’ll have to hope to not get WR, if I’m capable of doing so. Although if I am going to be capable of doing so, I’d probably try & get WR. Then people will see me, see that I’m trans, and a transgender got a wr and everyone would either be disgusted or think I cheated. But for now I’m going to hide my gender identity as male, I guess… Oh, yeah, gender identity.
My girlfriend knows I’m a transgender female, and I want to ask her if it’s possible to refer me as male for a while. I just want to hide my identity.. I’m shy about it and scared of being rejected irl
I think you need to access some good counselling/ healthcare and have someone to talk to about all of this. Generally speaking, transitioning younger is easier, but not if you are not pyschologically prepared for it. You are young and have some much time. Don’t lock yourself into relationships and a life that will crush you and others around you. Equally, don’t rush into anything- please find someone to talk to, check out the resources pages..
I am a 39 year old wife that has been married for 21 years. We have 3 children together. When were married for 6 years we found out my husband is HIV Positive. This was a very difficult time as our children were only 4, 2, and 1 and my husband laid in a hospital bed not knowing if and how long he would survive. He began medication and got better. Myself and the children have always been negative to the virus. My husband became fully disabled at this point. He stayed home and I went to work. This was a difficult time for my husband as he felt he couldn’t provide for his family any longer.
On and off for 12 years my husband would dress as a woman. He would say he was a cross dresser then as time went on it was gender dismorfia. For the past couple of years he has completed began wearing women clothing, make-up, and jewelry. He has been taking estrogen for about a year and half and his body is changing. He did not discuss any of this with me. He just did it.
I have had a really hard time with all of this. This is not the person I married, he has changed in so many ways. I have thought many times about leaving him. But I just can’t find the will to do that. I have 3 kids to think about and I do care about him so I don’t want to leave but I’m so tired of feeling no one care about me.
I have no interest in any other relationships due what if this happens to me again. I would love to have someone to talk to even it’s just to vent. I don’t have anyone because I don’t anyone to know that my husband of 21 years is transgender.
Gen,
Even though surgery might seem scary and frightening , If it is what your partner wants then you must be able to accept in order to stay together.
I would recommend going with him to his doctor so you can get some more insight into how the transitioning works.
Don’t worry about the intimacy. There are millions of ways to be intimate and if you get to it, experiment and figure out what works for you.
As for children, it possible for you to have children after he has transitioned.
Before he has the GRS, he can freeze sperm. The sperm lasts up to 15 years after.
So you could just have one of your eggs inseminated and still have biological children.
Well after reading about 4000 of your messages, I’m happy to see the conversation continues. My fiancé is mtf transgender, or he’s just a cross dresser or somewhere in between, who knows. We’ve been together for 10 years, and engaged for 4. He didn’t come out to me until well after we were engaged (which is the same as lying) but that’s just part of it. I’m a cis female but I’ve never felt like I live and die by my heterosexuality. However, I’m not dealing well with any of it. Seeing him dressed as a woman was like an immediate off switch for my attraction to him. I don’t feel sadness or confusion; I mostly feel ANNOYED. I understand wholly that trans is who they are, that it’s not a fad or a phase. But (at least with my partner), part of it is definitely this insatiable attention seeking and that part of it seriously just makes me nuts. I am not a girly girl, I’ve never really liked girly girls, and it turns out I like girly men even less. I do not like my fiancé when he is Emily. She is high maintenance and takes FOREVER to do ANYTHING and everything has to be this stupid ritualistic 12 hour affair. She can’t leave the house unless her toes are painted even if she’s wearing flats and you can’t see her stupid toes. It’s started bleeding into daily life as well, he only wears women’s underwear, uses women’s perfume, deodorant, etc, he keeps his nails long and shaves his entire body. I maybe could get past the anger and annoyance issues but I’m just not confident enough that he’ll never want to transition (and honestly, I’ve never talked to anyone about any of this and actually typing it out makea me realize how much of his personality it’s become makes me WAY less confident) I’ve made the decision that’s just not cool with me. We mostly choose to completely ignore it, though we both know it’s the elephant in the room. He’s very much out now to most of the people in our lives, and I assume that’s his cue to start doing it more often. Unfortunately, that is likely also my cue to start the separation process. I really do admire those of you who are able to come to terms and embrace it; but I have also learned that there is nothing wrong with leaving. There’s also nothing wrong with him needing to be who he really is, and I don’t want to prevent him from being whoever that is.
I’m so scared my husband of 5 years (total of 9 years together) told me he wanted to be my wife. I love him with all my heart and I cannot imagine losing him, so I chose to stay. But I’m still worried about our future. Can we make it? Will our love endure everything? How do we tell our parents? Will everyone hate us? Will they ever understand? I’m not mad at my husband, I do not blame him. I just worry so much and I’m trying so hard to understand, but I still end up in tears.
“Hi Liz, I realize that this comment is old and you probably won’t see this but if by chance you do I would really appreciate someone to talk to who is in the same position I am currently facing. I’ve been googling through tears for a while now and am just looking for someone to talk to.”
Hi Cait-
I am going through a similar situation and really looking for someone to talk to as well.
Get in touch if you would like to email
This is a great page! It is really interesting to read all of the comments here and know how many people are in trans relationships. My husband came out to me as transgender after we had been together nearly 20 years and married for 10. Knowing that other people have made it work has been a huge help to me, so I hope it is ok for me to leave a link to my own blog here in order to pass that on: https://translucidity.wordpress.com/ This site is one of the ones that inspired me to write down our story. 🙂
Thank you so much I just found out that my boyfriend wants to be a female. We have been dating for a year now and it is a lot to find out that the person you fell in love with wants to be the same sex as you.
“With support from people around you”… yeah right. Ok great everyone supports and accepts that my partner is changing his/her gender from male to female, but what about the fact that I do not want to have sex with a female or someone who doesn’t have male genitalia. It’s called being gay, I mean I’m a man and so is my partner(for now). I love my partner so much and I couldn’t live without him. But this sucks! I’ve talked about this with him. He says that I can still sleep with men and that we don’t have to have sex. I asked him if he’s serious and he says yes, but he doesn’t like the idea but can live with it. Thing is: I can’t live with it! Believe me I’ve already thought about cheating couple of times and I couldn’t go through with it. Those cheating thoughts started to appear because he really looks a lot like a woman even though he hasn’t started taking hormones yet and as established I do not find women attractive.
So, I will not leave him, I don’t want to leave him. I don’t want to leave her. But I can not sleep with other people. My mind and heart won’t allow it – ever. So what do I do? My partner isn’t much of a support. Yea we’ve discussed this but without any answers. So how am I getting through this? And if you’re wondering; yes ,sex means a lot to me.
Hey- yes it really does suck!! Sex means a lot and if you are not into being a lesbian and only want to have hetero sex… well it is a shit situation. Personally I sway between desires for both and I feel stuck.
SRS (sexual re-assignment surgery or GRS) probably won’t happen for a while and recovery can take a long time. It is a big commitment.
I carried on in my relationship without my partner having SRS and sex slowly died for us anyway. It has been horrible and painful and I did sleep with someone else. Since SRS she has been way more comfortable with herself but it isn’t great…
Sex is super important in a relationship and if you want to stay with your partner then either be prepared for no or little sex (probably just snuggles). It may drive you to have sex with someone else. Or you can break up and have a sexual relationship with someone. There is no easy answer and I don’t know. I stuggle with it all the time. When I wrote this blog it wasn’t something I was experienced in- hence the reason I have no advice!!!
Ladies, I am a male-to-female transgender woman who has remained married to the same woman for 32-years. We have two daughters, ages 24 & 29 who are doing quite well and who support me wholeheartedly. What I am about to tell you may seem to severely contradict what you’ve just read. You need to leave your transgender husband as soon as possible!
It is true that transgenderism cannot be “cured.” Twenty+ years of therapy by countless shrinks nearly ended my life a few times. Only Catholicism’s “one-way ticket to hell for committing suicide” stopped me. But now watching the pain I am causing my wife is double the pain and depression my being transgender has caused. If I had known all this would happen, I would not have gotten married in the first place (but, yes, for my girls’ sake, I am grateful I did).
My wife’s biggest fear now is “I will want to leave her and live full-time as female.” I have told her many times I love her, and I will never leave her. However, in view of all my past lies & denials, she finds this hard to believe. I can’t blame her. She has recently started therapy to deal with her anxiety and depression. I still talk about my retirement from work 9-years from now, and all of the RV trips I want to take with her. I love her so much. Sometimes we are so happy together, yet other times we just cry. It can feel like a living hell sometimes. While we will try to make it work and live out the rest of our lives (maybe 20-30 more years if we’re lucky), I’m not so sure others would be able to survive.
Hi! I’m Nikki I just met my Tran gender boyfriend ish…were not sure yet. However we click so well and we want to make this work. He is afraid that by being with me he will put all the weight of his family not excepting him on me.(granted my family has alot of problems to so the feeling is mutual) I try to tell him it’s going to be okay and I’m actually excided to meet his family! Like REALLY REALLY excited…but I was just just wondering if you had any advice that could help me out. So far I think I’m doing fairly well. But I feel like I need to know more and tell him more. Any help is much appreciated. (:
I’m 27 and I’ve been with my boyfriend for almost 7 years. Engaged for 6 of those years.
I’ve known from the start that he was bisexual. He’s also a lot more, ahem, “experienced” then I am and he’s a lot more open and accepting than I am. I never try to be insensitive or mean but I can’t help how I feel.
Recently he’s come out to me about his gender identity crisis. He identifies as a woman and he’s struggled with it his whole life. He wanted to make the change a long time ago (before we met) but due to his friends unwillingness to accept him as anything but the man he is – he tucked it away.
In the last year I suspected that he was cross-dressing. I’ve found women’s clothing in his stuff and he spends FAR too much time in the bathroom. (More than I do.)
I’ve loved him since the day we met. I’ve accepted his femininity and have even told him it’s nice to have a girlfriend you can share things with. (Jokingly.) And he’s the only one I can ask if my eyebrows are even or if my make-up is right.
A few weeks ago he showed me his women’s clothes collection and we had a full-disclosure conversation. Ever since then things have been awkward between us. He wears a bra almost every day and he walks around the apartment in heels. I can’t get over how it makes me feel when I see him like that and I hate myself for looking at him differently after he bared his soul. It kills me inside that I may lose him and honestly I feel betrayed. Like he stole my 20’s and that he’s been lying to me this whole time.
Through my being honest with him and also trying to maintain sensitivity to his needs, I told him that in order to be completely happy he can’t live as a half anymore. He needs to embrace who he is deep down. He asked me where that would leave us and I told him I wouldn’t abandon him, but we probably wouldn’t be together if he chose to live life as a woman. He does want a full transition and he has thought about the costs of it. (Maybe another reason he hasn’t made a decision because he is broke and it would take a long time?)
The only thing stopping him (for now) is me. He doesn’t want to lose me. I assured him he wouldn’t and I would support his life choices but he doesn’t want us to break up. I don’t want that either, but I also don’t think he can be happy unless he is free to explore his gender identity and his alternate sexuality. He has told me in the past that he doesn’t need men because he “takes care of that on his own” but even I don’t think that’s enough. You can only do it yourself for so long, male or female. Right?
I love him to my core and I know he loves me and that’s why he hasn’t made a decision. But with what I’ve seen our other LGBTQ friends go through and their significant others, I know it’s no healthy way to live.
In his words, “I can either choose to be happy with who I am, and lose you, or I can be happy with you, and hate myself.” (Which makes me feel SO AWESOME btw) ;(
He doesn’t blame me for anything. But he knows that ultimately it can only go one way or another. I’ve told him that he can’t have his cake and eat it, too. Which may sound heartless or like I’m half-way out the door (his words) but I’m not. I love him either way but if he wants to full transition, I’m not going to remain in this relationship. I don’t want a girlfriend. I want a husband.
Basically the only thing keeping him from being true to himself is me. The only thing stopping him from making a decision is me. Should I make the decision for him? Because knowing him he’ll wait til we’re old and grey if it means keeping me in his life.
I don’t want to spend the rest of my life with someone who is leading a double life. I can’t keep waking up every day, getting ready for work and asking him to leave his bra at home so no one sees him wearing it. I don’t know what the hell to do… Help?
(I don’t even know if anyone comes to this blog anymore….)
Lulu, my partner was in this exact same situation with her ex. My partner wanted to transition and her (ex) girlfriend didn’t want it. They broke up (obviously) and both of them are happier for it.
I know that my partner’s ex soon later developed a serious health complication and she can no longer have children. She invested all of her early 20’s in a relationship with no future and thus no children.
Don’t wait for someone to make or break your future. Your partner being trans will be like another person in the relationship unless he transitions.
I am going through this too. My husband wants to become a woman. I have the same feelings as do you and most of the comments that I read. The question that runs through my mind EVERY DAY is “Will I be attracted to her”? Is there an answer to that?
No, there is no answer to that. I am attracted to my partner because of who she. That has been a huge part of us staying together. But if aren’t still attracted, you aren’t. There is no use trying to force these things. Not everyone finds women attractive.
I just wanted to add a positive experience.
I married my husband 6 months ago and 1 month ago he told me he was transgender and wants to fully transition.
We have argued for weeks, I’ve had feelings of no longer trusting him. I’ve wondered what our future will be now. I know the chance of our marriage working has decreased. We were moving to the country with his parents – it’s been our dream for years – that can no longer happen.
BUT I have decided if I’m staying I’m going to embrace it. I am already referring to Danni (previously Danny) as she. We have bought underwear, leggings, a lovely long, long sleeved black top and some amazing boots!! He is a size 8 he tried them on and they looked great! We also have bought a long dark wig with a fringe.
So this weekend I’m going to do her makeup and she is going to dress up. I’m going to meet Danni properly for the first time. Already in the bedroom things have changed. Its slightly easier for me as I have been with women before.
I’m scared and excited. I’ll let you know how it goes!! 😀
Fantastic information in such a matter of fact style. Love it. Well done!
I just wanted to add a positive experience.
I married my husband 6 months ago and 1 month ago he told me he was transgender and wants to fully transition.
We have argued for weeks, I’ve had feelings of no longer trusting him. I’ve wondered what our future will be now. I know the chance of our marriage working has decreased. We were moving to the country with his parents – it’s been our dream for years – that can no longer happen.
BUT I have decided if I’m staying I’m going to embrace it. I am already referring to Danni (previously Danny) as she. We have bought underwear, leggings, a lovely long, long sleeved black top and some amazing boots!! He is a size 8 he tried them on and they looked great! We also have bought a long dark wig with a fringe.
So this weekend I’m going to do her makeup and she is going to dress up. I’m going to meet Danni properly for the first time. Already in the bedroom things have changed. Its slightly easier for me as I have been with women before.
I’m scared and excited. I’ll let you know how it goes!! 😀
Thanks for sharing this information. My partner of 9 years has come out as mtf transgender and it was a rough couple of months. I believe it brought us closer together. My partner was always so distant and didn’t share her feelings so easily. Now she tells me how she feels and we bond over makeup and clothing. We did break up for a few months but we both realized we wanted to be together. It doesnt matter what gender she is, I love her for the person she is.
Is this thread still active? I would love to talk to some of the people here.
Yes, it is still active. I live a pretty busy life and my partner has fully transitioned. It is hard for me to re-visit this part of my past all the time so I limit my activity.
Yes, it is still active
My guy has been coming out more to me and I’m trying my best to accept it! The real issue is though hes seeking more attention from other females and males. Sending pictures doing video sex calls buying pictures from females on social media. He doesn’t know i know about that part. I feel deep down hes been with others during our 15 month relationship but he denies it! I want to be at his side but he shuts me out. I don’t know what to do or where to turn. The gal side of him seems to be taking over almost completely!
I was in the same situation a year ago and i wish I’d run then. But i am married and we have two babies so i gave it my all. I’m now a single mother with a 2 year old and a 6 month old. He gives us no money. I had to move back to ireland – we were living in Australia and he’s still there. He began transitioning without even telling me. He has no problem spending his money on clothes, makeup, Lazer hair removal and three days ago he told me to kill myself. I was willing to accept occasional cross dressing but not a full transition. His personality is totally different now that he’s Ellie – he looks, acts and dresses like a bitchy teenage girl. And watching this woman taking over my very loved husband felt like watching a cancer slowly taking every part of him. And now that were separated it feels like my husband is dead.
This article is really good. I am currently struggling to come to terms with my partner coming out to me as transgender. I really want to be supportive, but, he told me 2 weeks ago (after we got engaged!) and seems to think that, that is enough time for me to digest and to decide whether i want to stay or go. It feels like now i have been told, everything is full speed ahead, even though he knows it will be a slow process transitioning fully. I’m struggling to get over or rather adapt,that image I had of us together, before I was told….and he doesn’t seem to realise that that is going to take some time for me!
Ive been married over 20 yrs. Husband told me 20yrs ago he wanted to be a woman. We hv two children. He has what I call cheated on me with internet gay women and had one affair (man side coming out here) including sex with woman and currently has met someone 25yrs his younger that (understands her). I left family home 4 months ago but still love him but cant cope with sharing him. Help!
Please don’t invest yourself in someone who can not or will not invest their time and love into you. You will only get hurt more and more. If your partner wasn’t transgender you would never accept that kind of behaviour. Being transgender is not “free pass” to hurt the ones you love.
My husband’s transformation / experimentation is becoming more intense and frequent & I am lost, can’t heal myself, & I’m mourning my marriage. I don’t know what to do. … my heart hurts and I need an outlet to share my fears. I cry often but have no one to share my pain with.
It is really hard. I cried a lot too. My head and heart hurt. Have you found any useful chat rooms? Susans place, or there is a space on reddit for partners of transgender people. Feel free to post here too, although I don’t update it that often. xx
Hi Reddhedd, i can relate to you. My partner has escalated way beyond what i can deal with. I am asking myself, can i stay with my partner, is this the life i want. I am not gay, i dont really want to be with a woman, and when i look to the future , i dont want to wake up beside a woman. It is so hard, i dont want to hurt my partner but i cant keep doing this
Lousie and Reddhedd,
I am one of the wife who knew I can’t be a lesbian as much as I loved my husband and I felt he was my soulmate, but I knew I can’t be happy next to a woman. It was hard to leave, I wanted to melt in him and transform with him, but I did not like what he was becoming, I was disgusted of what he was becoming and I left. It was the hardest decision ever, but I did not see myself lasting in this relationship and I did not trust this person anymore and who was he becoming was not what I used to love. I missed and grieved my marriage, my dreams, my family I wanted to have. But I did not see myself happy and I would not be a good companion and partner for this new person, so I moved on, left. I had moments when I felt guilty but I realized life is short. At the same time one of my best friends passed away and this is when I realized that life is short and I want to live it happy. So I left! Was hard, so hard it broke my soul and my heart, but slowly with the help of a shrink of my family and friends I loved on. The further I move on the best I felt. My life was altered by this and I feel a big rough scar was left on me after all if these, but I am mucg better than I will even be, and I am sure I am much better than if I had stay. If I was staying I would be depressed and suicidal (as I was before I left), but now I am less depressed, I found some joy in life and I have real man around me and I have real people around me. I stop all communication with my ex and I left him become who he wanted. There is enough support there for him in the LGBT community and psychologists, found less support for us, but I found a good psychologist after seeing other 3, who had helped me with the PTSD caused by all these and depression. So now I can wake up early in the morning and be happy I am where I am. So you can do it as well if you have to leave, if this is taking too much toll of your mental sanity,m because it is taking a big toll, and not too many people can understand that. I am being selfish maybe but I leaned to love myself more.
I need some help… My boyfriend is transgender and how he is going to be a she. I’m perfect fine with is because I love her no matter what but… I really want kids. This has always been a problem for us because we are still teenagers. Yes I said it teenagers. So we finally agreed that she would freeze her sperm so we could one day have a child and adopt in the future. But… She started blockers and hormone therapy recently… Without freezing sperm and she keeps Getting my hopes up and then killing them with other things also… She has cheated on me about 6 times (1 times she asked and I said okay to keep her happy…) the only way for me to have a kid is to become a teen mom and that’s so not going to happen… Any advice anyone…? I really love her and I can’t survive with out her…
Being young and in love is hard…. Look, it is not okay for your partner to cheat on you. That is a low and shitty thing to do. You wouldn’t accept it if your parter wasn’t transgender, so why accept it now? Being transgender does not give your partner free pass to hurt you.
Do not become a mother. Transition is hard enough without the added stress of a child. Many older people will tell you that having a child just made the gender dysphoria worse and more problems arose. Children are hard work.
Sperm banking can be expensive long term. If your partner is not willing to try it then remember you can always use a donor, particularly of a close male relative of your partners.
Hi, this message is for Cait, who messaged in September 2015. I am struggling so much to deal with my partner’s MTF. I don’t know if i can continue in this relationship. It is lovely to read that so many people have hope. I have supported my partner for the past 10 years, it has escalated over time. My partner can be very childish and selfish. I don’t know if i can keep doing this. I hope you can make contact with me.
In Answer to Louise… Yes Transgender folks can be selfish and childish… but for me Living with one for almost 2 years now… i quite understand why they are the way they are… for one they have been forced to hide themselves for so long.. denying themselves of growing up the way they should have… It was explained to me by my wife.. and a therapist… they feel like they were denied everything growing up male .. they didn’t have the privileges you and i had a cis gendered females.. the “right” to wear dresses or play with barbies or giggle about things during a sleepover… this time when they do things for themselves during transition is they’re first chance to feel free of all that was hidden deep inside them for so long… No it isn’t easy and yes it hurts when they feel like they seemingly do not care about your feelings when transition moves along faster then we on the outside seem to be able to adjust .. but they have been waiting for years to do this… it is only months or even weeks for us but for them its a life time… my wife came out in June of 2014 …. she has been in transition since then… Hormones since July 2014… and this July will mark her second year and she is going into surgery for Her Orchiectomy …. I am so proud of her… for standing up to everyone and saying This is who i am… and this is who i am going to be no matter what anyone else thinks… It is sad that a lot of Spouses can not deal with that.. and you know what its ok… But don’t leave with out taking the time to learn and try to grow with them. It has taken me think long to feel comfortable with all of these changes… I can now say to anyone that asks me and i do get asked a lot “How can you love or stay with a person that lied to you for 12 years… and that she isn’t the person you fell in love with? 1 … I felt that way at first…. that she lied but really she didn’t lie she was afraid to tell me afraid i would leave her… 2 I didn’t fall in love with the outside… i fell in love with who she was on the inside…. the parts were a added bonus and yes i thought she was attractive.. But then recently it hit me … about the she wasn’t who i thought she was…. You know there is a grieving process …. but once i realized that the “man” i thought she was never really existed… i realized that she had been there all along just waiting for me to see her… I cant miss someone who was never really there at all… its like wearing a costume that they can never take off … and it can do some horrible damage to a person if its not taken off soon… i can still see the scars on my wife soul that her mother or other family members inflicted upon her as a child at the age of 12 coming out and telling her feelings to and being hurt by the ones she loved the most or it so it seemed at the time… I can not blame them for being selfish… It is a time during transition to take care of them for once instead of taking care of those around them… Self Love… and they deserve so much of it… childish yes of course they are going thru a second puberty… of course they’re childish… sometimes i feel as if I have two 14 year olds instead of one… but i also get the joys of painting my wife’s finger nails and braiding her hair too and including her in teenage rituals and that makes her happy and it makes me smile deep down in my soul…
My ex transitioned and refused to let me into his journey. He left me and the 3 kids because he said it would be too hard. He claims our marital issues that I didn’t know we had would interfere in his transitioning. So although I understand your points that they “deserve it”, it’s not fair for me to be stuck as a single mom raising 3 small children because they want to be a teenager right now. It isn’t fair and it is wrong for him to treat me this way.
This is resourceful information. Thank you sincerely.
My son is 13, his girlfriend has told him she is trans and wants to be called Cody and referred to with male pronouns. So he now thinks he must be bisexual.
I am very proud of him that he is so accepting and has no prejudice, that’s how I have raised him, but I am concerned that he may be too young and this is way too intense. I also worry that he may be bullied and picked on at school and he will have a bad high school experience and that his studies will suffer.
I have told him I’m proud of him and I love him no matter what but deep down I can’t help but worry about him.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
This is a complicated situation. Have you spoken with Cody’s parents? What do they say? How they respond to Cody will impact on your son tremendously. It is very important to understand the whole situation as a transition often involves the whole family/ school etc. If this is not a flippant, rebellious phase Cody will need to be taken seriously.
Cody should be receiving medical and psychological care to help with the gender dysphoria. Often children under the age of 16 will take puberty blockers and will not go through puberty at all. Once they reach 16 they are able to start taking the hormones that match their gender.
Your son probably doesn’t really understand all of the social, emotional and mental issues that a transition will entail. I would encourage you to contact your local PFLAG group, or whatever similar organisation is in your area. Learn as much information as you can about the transition process so that if your son has any questions he can come and talk to you. The transition process will include the medical side (surgery/ hormones etc), the legal side (name change etc) and the physical side (how the body changes).
I have been with my husband for 11 years and I have known for around 10 years he was a cross dresser. Around 8 weeks ago he started the process to transition. It has been a mixture of emotions, I feel in some ways I am losing my husband and that has been hard to deal with. Some days are better then others. We recently had his sperm frozen and that was a hard week, it bought up a lot of emotions for both of us that this is really happening. He has been on his medication for a week so I guess there is no turning back now! I am just getting through one month at a time and that is my commitment to him. If I look to much into the future I have panic attacks.
Louise, I also have to say that my partner is very selfish and childish, he started taking his medication straight after the IVF visit and didn’t tell me, I found the open medication packets, he still doesn’t know that I know but I want to give him the chance to tell me.
So far I have told a couple of close friends and they have been surprisingly understanding, it felt so good to talk to them about how I was feeling.
If anyone would like to get in contact with me to chat, sometimes we just need an ear to listen, I know I could use one!
If anyone wants to swap emails then please contact me at transgenderpartner@gmail.com and I will facilitate the email swap.
I have a child with a man who is woman now and its very complicated. A child brings a lot of anxiety, sleepless nights and requests a lot of attention, it will be too much for a partner of a person transitioning to deal with the transition of the partner and a new child! My advise will be to wait on having a child until your partner is far into transition. You as a pregnant woman will need a lot of attention and you will not have that with a person transitioning when is all about them and they don’t care about you or the baby. A child needs your attention and love, and you need support, you might end up with depression post-partum given the changes in your life and that is not fair for your child. In case you don’t like who your partner is becoming you might regret having a child, visitations and co-parenting are complicated and will drain you emotionally, financially, your physical energy! Take care of yourself! I wish you the best!
PLEASE HELP! My boyfriend, who I am deeply in love with, a week ago told me he is going to begin the transition from MTF. I have been open and accepting to him and on the outside, but on the inside I feel like I’m slowly dying. I do NOT want to lose him and want to be there for him and continue our relationship, but I don’t know how to wrap my mind around this. I have the same worries that a lot of straight women in my position have. Work, family, friends, my 12 son most importantly, our sex life, our future, etc. I have spiraled into such a deep depression and I’m so stricken with anxiety that sometimes I can’t breathe and shake uncontrollably. It hits randomly. During intimacy, at work, while driving, in the grocery store, in front of my son. Idk what to do. I truly love him and want him to be happy. I desperately want to make this work, but I don’t know how. I don’t want to make him feel guilty about being who he is. Please tell me how I transition to this new lifestyle, so that i can help him with his transition!
I am so sorry you have to go trough this! I was in your shoes 2.5 years ago, and I could not take the pain, I was suicidal. I decided to leave and that was very hard decision. I miss my ex husband, I don’t miss my ex wife! I saw him changing and I did not love what he was becoming, it was so painful to see my beautiful husband becoming a zombie, and his heart and soul changed too into somebody I no longer loved! I wanted to kill myself, but I didn’t want to hurt my child and my parents, so I went for therapy saw a shrink, and it helped me a lot, now 2.5 years after I am better, not as I was before, I will never be that way, this experience stained my life, I still have to deal with PTSD, trying to treat that, and taking a day at a time! I never wanted to be a on this path, but I could not be with that new person anymore, I was not as flexible as other people are and I saw my limitations, didn’t want to be in his way and I left. I don’t regret it at all now after 2.5 years I am thankful I am alive, and slowly I am living life again. This is the story of a person who decided to leave.
After 12 years of marriage, my husband left me to transition to a woman. Yes, I was very upset at first. I calmed down a bit and wanted him to try and be a woman with me. However, he started rewriting our marriage history and made it sound like our marriage was a ticking time bomb. We have 3 kids together. After he came out trans, he created and hid his Facebook account from me as a transwoman. I told him after lying to me for 12 years I needed him not to hide things but he said he couldn’t trust me because of “my reaction” and I might be “jealous” because of my insecurities. Of course I was insecure after everything!
Our divorce is almost final and I feel like the world’s shittiest person when he left me after I said I would try! I thought most transgender spouses desired their spouses to want them! Is there anyone else like me whose spouse left? Also, his personality has changed for the worst. Almost everyone says the transgender person stays the same on the inside. Not him! He claims he “dissociated his male experience” and the woman who has unleashed from his body is rude, hateful and cruel to me. He is also terrible to his parents when they are trying to be supportive. He is 100% done with me and is essentially leading a double life online compared to his work life and around the kids.
I’m very heartbroken because he has put 110% of the blame on me, saying our marriage would have ended anyways. He has accused me of having a mental disorder (due to my emotional reactions), which isn’t true, and other things that are exaggerated. The person I knew doesn’t exist anymore and is very callous. How can he give up someone who would have tried to make it work? I would have tried everything. I loved him so much. I have some guilt because sure I wasn’t the perfect wife and made mistakes but always apologized for my wrong doings. I was in therapy to help myself also and deal with this situation.
Is there anyone else out there whose transgender spouse left them??
Hi,
I recently found out my partner is transgender. I didn’t know much about it at all. I have asked him questions and he is happy to answer all of them. He is also seeing a counsellor about it. He is 52 and we have been married for 27 years and have 2 teenage kids. I do have a question for you. Are there some things you want to know but on the other hand think it’s better not to know? I can’t picture him wearing ladies clothes or make up. He says there are subtle things he does to make himself feel more feminine. I am supportive and realize he didn’t wish this upon himself. Just wondering if you feel the same way.
For the last two years I have been supporting my partner of 8 years in her transition from mtf. Quite frankly our intimacy is dead. I am very sad about this. I am not allowed to see her naked or touch her, there is no kissing or anything remotely more intimate than getting to rub her feet. I am starting to feel like I am only a chequebook for her makeup and dresses. I am intersex so I know lots about being in a non-conforming, non-cis body and have been there holding her metaphorical hand the whole time. She says she loves me and our lack of intimacy is not about me; and yet as we drive along or watch TV she points out all the sexy men and says what she would like to do to them. Could it be that now she is a woman she wants a different type of partner and refuses to admit it? I am so heartbroken.
I am a parent who’s son’s girlfriend has just announced on Facebook th she is transgender.
I am open minded and accepting of all
But I am struggling with the path that has been placed upon my sons shoulders…. He started this relationship as a 14 year old boy in a relationship with a girl.. And ended up with a completely different scenario…. Please help me know how to successfully handle this… I am s confused
LOVE the story and comments…
I fell in love with a transgender person. We met at work and I knew he was different and it sparked my curiosity to say the least. The first night I went to his apartment, he told me that he was transgender and that night I fell in love! Not with the idea of him being transgender I didn’t really care, but with the idea of the honestly to a complete stranger who only knew a few weeks. We have been together now for nearly a year and we have had our ups/downs like any other couple. I know the day will come when she wants to become a women via surgery, hormones, etc and I will be here for all of it. Being with someone who is transgender, who struggles every day to be who they are in a society filled with reticule and people who are un-educated or ignorant to people like my fiance, she knows that no matter what obstacles we may face, we have each other to lean on, the day I met her was fate, i wasn’t supposed to work that day!!
I recently started dating my boyfriend Kevin, who told me about 3 months in that he wasn’t a he, and that he actually identifies as a woman, MTF. At first it was a shock, but the last thing i would do is leave without giving it a chance. I thought I might be bisexual, even several years before this relationship, so logically, it COULD work.
The first month from coming her out was hell, she was constantly scared of being kicked out, rejected at home, and struggling from the aftermath of when her parents forced her into a maximum security boarding school to “fix” her gender for 8 months.It was tears, late nights, and emotions. I felt confused, angry, lied to, but i had to focus on her.I am now here, 6 months in total, and struggling more than ever. I feel selfish for saying i struggle with this still. I have tried to accept so so hard. I see her as a woman when it is just us. In my house, or when its just us, i do not have issues. But in public i freeze and become ashamed….. which then i start to hate myself for.
shes the one who has to suffer from society, and the world, she lives with the dysphoria….. and watching her pain breaks my heart. amd im over here,I still unable to wrap my head around being able to commit to being a girl friend, a wife….
i am a planner, i need security, and i have terrible anxiety as well as other mental health issues ( previous Eating disorder, in-control Bipolar) that HAVE to be manged very carefully. living a life style of poverty, financial instability, high intensity stress isn’t an option. I am a thriving social extrovert, who grew up with a wonderful, unfortunately close minded, BUT LOVING wonderful southern family who i am very close to. and friends who i have known since birth.
and then theres the fact that the person i am with seems like my souldmate, my perfect match,
even thinking about all this is driving me insane. it doesnt seem right to leave, I want to at times, but then I get scared. i don’t know if she would be okay. She has a history involving suicide attempts, and she still cuts.
I want my boyrfriend back…. which i know will never happen. “he” would have been my husband, but he never existed.
Im just so so so so so so confused :((
I’ve just recently found out about my partner we have been together for 14yrs married for 10 and even then I had to ask a few questions to get the answer. To be honest I think in the last few years I had an inkling but not registered it. I was calm and came across not surprised we have been talking on and off about my partner going from mtf it is early stages yet she is just finally coming to terms with who she is. I am still processing it, she has felt this way since she was little so it may seem wrong to feel betrayed but its an emotion one goes through. I love my partner with all my heart and this is the time she needs me the most but on some level I’m trying to figure how this relationship can exist like someone said a relationship is more than friendship, there’s a deeper intimacy that a couple share my partner says she wont have the operations so we can still be sexual she knows being with a woman dose not do anything for me, I want her to be her self and I know its been hard of late for her to be a male with me because that is not who she is. I don’t want the marriage to end and even more so I don’t want to walk away when she needs all the support she can get. Since she has told me I’ve noticed she’s able to feel more herself around me I’ve seen her be more comfortable with in herself, excited even. It’s still early stages and we have a lot to work out we may not stay married but she has and always and will be my best friend she knows me better than anyone I know.
I’m glad I found this blog because for the first time I don’t feel so alone and feeling what I’m feeling is normal my hart goes out to everyone involved if you stay in the relationship you may be helping your partner through their transformation I suggest that you also look after your self when your in a relationship it dose not only affect the one you care about it affects you to on a different level so don’t ignore your feelings talk to them or talk to some one close.
Hi Kirsty, Just read this and I’ve just found myself in the same position. Although my husband doesn’t yet know whether they will fully transition your comment has really help thank you.
Hi love I’m glad it has helped I will have to admit my husband and I are now separated now but it was a very hard decision for me to make going through what you are going through is not only hard for your partner but will also be very hard on yourself take care and look after yourself
I love how people say that “It’s just body parts” and “love is deeper than gender” etc. Well then, gay or straight people people should be able to just “Be” straight or gay, or fall in love with anyone of any gender right?
So, if gender is more fluid than we realized, can’t sexual identity also be more fluid than we realized?
Do we all have “gay” tendencies? Or *gasp* can gay folks have “straight” tendencies?
I agree with the poster above that says that hiding one’s gender identity until after marriage, pregnancy, or other commitment is incredibly deceptive, and not something that I would forgive easily.
It’s like hiding a huge amount of debt, or a huge amount of money for that matter.
It’s kinda important.
Anyone that thinks that we should all cheer these folks who are transitioning and chastise those spouses who are struggling with it are assholes. Their pain is real too. YOUR struggle does not negate theirs.
Hey ! Im so glad I came across this blog !! I’m facing something similar and I need help. I am with my boyfriend from the past 1.5 yrs and he told me that he was trans within the first month of us dating. I was fine with it and I spoke to him ..when he came out to me, all I could do was hug him and cry and say “i love u”. We’ve been through a lot since then, I could not think of leaving him at all. I’m 25 and he’s 27 and he hadn’t told anyone about this- not even his parents (We are Indian, so our parents would totally flip if they heard this). Initially he wasn’t sure himself but later he realised he really wants to be a woman. He started taking HRT and started to grow some boobies, he loves dressing up- in fact the first person he wore a dress in front of was me, he loves keeping his hair long. I’m ok with this coz it makes him so happy. I gifted him a lot of dresses, his first make up and a lot more. We do a lot for each other. Now, being a straight person all this was a little strange for me, but I was fine with it as I really love this person ! Sex was different (not the regular sex that I was used to) after sometime we stopped having normal sex and it was more of me doing him ( I was fine with this as well, we did a lot of kissing and that made me happy ). He came out to his parents recently and got his hair cut short. His parents are worried and don’t want him to change his sex. He wants to marry me but I’m not sure if I want to spend the rest of my life going through a lot of problems- it is going to be difficult ! I don’t want to lose him as I love him to bits. Being around him makes me very happy and he brings out the best in me. He makes me laugh all the time and I love being with him. He is also considering not going through SRS in order to be with me ( and also because it makes everything so much more easier, I have agreed for us to have a public-private life). With all this going on, I am very stressed out and very very anxious that I started seeing a psychologist but nothing fruitful yet. I’m worried about losing him and spending the rest of my life alone. Honestly I don’t know if I can love anyone else so much ! I don’t know if I should go ahead and get married to him and lead a public private life or just leave and feel miserable in life. I don’t know what to do, please help.
Hi Harshini, I am in a similar situation…..my boyfriend of 3 years thinks he is transgender. We are currently seeing a therapist about it and I hope it will bring some clarification. He has not told his parents and only one other friend knows. I was just wondering how you are doing and how you have been coping, as it is very tough for me, also because I have to leave him (visa expires) but I love him and he loves me but cannot commit to marriage at the moment as he needs to figure himself out.
My Fiancé is transgender. I knew this before we got together as people love to talk. But i still took that plunge lol.. yes i love him as a man but i also love him as a woman.. he has plucked up the courage to go out in the car or out in the rain with am unbrella.. but other than that he will put make up on and everything else at home!! This doesnt bother me at all… if she wants to go out at as she is then go for it.. but shes paranoid she looks like a man.. sorry but most transgender does but dont care. You are who you are and you WILL find love. Trust me…. I Never Thought in my life i would be with a woman but i am now! Transgenders should come out and let thierselfs be free.. if your in the uk in south wales then maybe we can meet. Good luck all xx
Thank you so much for this. I am engaged to a MtF and I love him more than anything and we’ve been really working through everything but I recently found out he was talking dirty to men online. Any advice on that?
Thanks this really did help as my girlfriend transitions into a male in a couple of weeks. It is kind of nerve wrecking, but I think I can manage to give him the best of help and support.
I got with my husband (ftm) when he was Kimberly, I had decided when him and I got together that I loved this person inside and out, and the fact that I had always considered myself straight didn’t even matter. I told my dad I was going to be with a girl and he didn’t talk to me for weeks. Going into the relationship I knew how he felt in the inside, he had been stuck in a body he hated his whole life, I knew he wanted to start his transition and I promised him I’d be there every step of the way. I had a 2 yr old daughter whose dad was never around, and was 3 months pregnant with my son (who was a comolete accident and i had no ides what i was going to do as a single mom barely making it with one kid) I was seriously considering giving the new baby up for adoption when my husband and I started dating. She (I only use that pronoun to get NY point across that the transition had not yet begun in the beginning) told me at one point that I would never e raising either of my kids alone again, that no matter what she would always help me and remain in their lives no matter what. So after deciding to keep mY new baby, I moved on to calling place after place after place in Tulsa ok until I finally found him a counselor specializing in transgender diagnosis etc… I set up his first appointment with him, I went with him when he wanted and stayed home when he wanted to go alone. When the counselor said he was ready to start hormone therapy, and had no referrals to doctors in our area (tulsa ok) I spent 2 more days calling places until I found him a doctor that wiuks start him on testosterone, I literally was there every step of they way and most of the time paving the steps for him to walk on. My son was born about 5 months into the testosterone therapy, he was there to cut the umbilical cord and has been there for both of my kids just as a dad would, they both only know him as a dad, and they both adore him as a dad. I love this person more than I have ever loved anyone in my life, and the first part of the relationship was smooth sailing, transitioning from the name Kim to the name Justin was simple, changing my pronouns was simple, because I knew when I meT him that deep inside he wasn’t a female, an amazing caring, sweet loving person whom I could spend all of my time with, and who treated me with the utmost respect and gratefulness for my support. Now, 4 years into transition, 2 years married, and 4 and half years as a couple, things are not even close to the same. He has changed from the inside out. He has absolutely no compassion left at all, he is angry all of the time and usually can’t even explain why he is angry. He loses his temper more than any man ive ever been with and to top it all off, he cheated on me with an old high school friend who found his change sexy and intriguing. When I found out my world came crashing down, here I was, doiing everything in my power to make this person the happiest I could in every way possible and here he was, sending pictures of his genitals to chicks and talking to her all day while he was at work, and meetings up with her while telling me he was working.. Things just havent been the same since, his testosterone kept him from really feeling compassion or sympathy toward me after hurting me so horribly and he became angry with me for even catching him being unloyal. He went from the most caring, understanding, and compassionate person I had ever known, to this person I didn’t even know who was angry and yelling at me, after I was cheated on by him. We have broken up and gotten back together several times because he promises to go back to counseling and he never does because he is too worried his counselor will tell his doctor he needs a lower dose of testosterone, so he will try really hard for about a week or two to keep his anger under control until one day he is right back to the same angry man whom I do not even know. I love him and I agreed to to be there for him, however, his transition became a LOT more difficult than I ever expected and I just want you to vr ready, I feel like the outside is not all that changes during transition, I honestly feel like insides change too. Once Justin got enough testosterone to start changing his face shape and hair growth etc… Justin started acting like a jerk, not to the kids but to me, where when I agreed to be there every step of the way, and I got stepped on for it. He became abusive toward me, hr became so angry at one point he jumped out if my moving vehicle at 40 MPH and was in the neurotrauma unit of the ICU for a week, shortly after that one we figured out he had been taking double the testosterone shot he was supposed to be taking. So we chalked that up to roid rage and kept trying. The violence didn’t really stop, if he was mad, some thing was getting broken, slammed and thrown at my face, while I was being screamed at. So it gt to the point where I asked him, to stop taking the Testosterone for a bit just to see if that would fix our problems, he then told me that if ever I wanted him to chose between his transition and our mareaige and family, that hands down he would chose his transition. Yes, selfish is a very good adjective for a transgender person, and I am not holding a grudge, but if you are about to enter into a relationship with someone who is about to start a whole chapter of not only their lives but their person in general, you need to be prepared that testosterone for a female to male will most certainly have quite the effect on a person. Of anger problems already exist with that person than the possibility is even more so… Just get a good counselor and doctor and make sure you are keeping up with the doseage amiunts. After the testosterone starts, he needs to continue to go to the counselor every week to two weeks and remain working through all that overwhelms him. Its a tough road and testosterone had changed my husband into someone I dont even know anymore. Unfortunately this story doesn’t end well either, he is gone now and my son is 3, he is still daddy and tries to be around for them, but he has so much anger built up inside him from the testosterone, and all the other stuff he never went back to talk to the counselor about, that him and I can’t even talk anymore with tensions rising and arguments resume. I love him, I dont want him to have to live another day ever having to wish he was born into a different body, I can’t ask him to chose and if I did, wouldn’t do me any good. I hope he becomes the person he has always been and can finally be relieved or comfortable I’m his own skin. I understand that he cheated on me because he had never really had an ego stroke before this girl decided him being a trans guy made him more irresitastable than being a a lesbian female, I realize it was part of his insecurities that the women would shy away from him because even if a woman liked her back then, she looks and acts like a guy so she didnt necessarily get hit on a lot before the transition, I understand that he was just starting to get facial hair and I was trying to explain to him that he was becoming more good looking every day, but his new body and face had him feeling good and the first bit of attention he got from it, he leaped at like a frog and proceeded to break the ones heart who had helped paved the way to where he was at. Its tough, I’m gonna tell you if I could go back and do it differently, I would, not because I regret anything g but just because I love my husband and would love to have him back to the way he was when I feel in love with him. On the inside, not the outside. So keep that counseling going if you are going to try to stick it out it may be the key that we missed.
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Thank you, thankfully someone speaks the hard truth!
Hello I’m a mother of of my daughter who’s husband told her he was transgender when she was 6 ms pregnant my daughter held it in knowing now that she was very stressed during pregnancy and know now just recently because she told me that he wanted to change because I noticed him with lipstick and girls clothes what I can’t get over on how he betrayed. Her knowing he wanted to be a female since he was twelve hiding it for year after they got married with a baby involved I would love to find someone that is somewhat going through the same thing she is he has people he can talk to but she doesn’t she wants counseling but not sure who to talk to my husband and I are devasted for my daughter hurt because he never said anything to her until it’s too late that there is a child involve I’m not against anyone with sexuality avenues I’m just shocked from the deception for my daughter when she though she was marrying a man if I offend anyone I’m sry I still haven’t gotten a reply
Hi Liz, I’m sry maybe it would be a good idea for you and my daughter to talk it seems like your close to what my daughter is going through did you see my earlier post
I am bisexual, my partner I think is coming to terms with they are transgender and I love them for who they are not what their gender is. My concern in trying to research is if they can lose interest in women, in other words they decide they no longer want the relationship because I am female and getting my heart broken.
Not all mtf develop an interest in men. I had the same worry. But it has turned out ok 🙂
That is great it worked out for you. 😦 As for here my partner is not even on hormones or transitioning and has gone from sweeping off my feet to now I am just here as TJ has no interest in intimacy let alone sex. I am not even a priority in their life. We have ended up in fights and its getting to be a broken record. I get fed honeyed words and empty promises and nothing changes. Always more interested mucking around on the computer (facebook, games, etc). I don’t know what to do anymore, I am left feeling worthless and that something is wrong with me. 😦
I have been in love with a transgender MTF for 2 years. I luckily knew they were trans from the start. I was immediately attracted to my partner and we literally spent every second of every day for a month straight. We sing and write songs together which elevated our relationship. We tattooed each other on ourselves as well and for me it was my first tat. We have so much in common, We have gotten into tifs but never even arguments. I feel physically safe because my partner is so gentle and softspoken, however I feel emotionally terrified. My partner was very male in high school lifted weights etc. I have been very patient because I would rather have a friend than sex. We met at a low point in both of our lives. I was signicantly overweight and rebuilding my life after an abusive relationship and having a child I placed for adoption. We were both adopted and abused as children. My partner was also dealing with serious life issues. My partner had a mental breakdown and it killed me inside. I was scared. I did not talk to my partner for about a year and a half. I focused on my health and career. I lost weight and started doing really well. I ran into my partner unexpectedly in a public place after no communication for the year and a half. We have been officially dating and kissed for the first time. To be honest I feel like I’m in high school. We are both so fragile. I’m just having a hard time because I question if my partner really loves me since he/she was in a serious relationship in the time frame we weren’t together. I feel like I always have to be the strong one. I am also confused. Sometimes my partner wants to be male sometimes female and I never know what to expect but than again that’s part of the excitement. It’s complicated. When he was feeling male the day we first kissed he told me he wanted to marry me and have kids. He has said that since. I don’t want to press the issue. I feel like I don’t know how to communicate well with my partner and sometimes feel they are very selfish. I would like to be intimate but for now I’m happy with kissing cuddling and flirting. I feel like my partner loved me all along because we met at the lowest point in my life. I am just so scared because I can’t stop loving my partner. I don’t like the feminine side as much as the male or shall I say I’m not as attracted to that side as much. I do love getting our nails done and shopping. I am worried about my partner because of multiple hospitalizations due to depression. I am depressed too however I can function. I don’t know how to deal with our relationship. All I know is I am in love and my partner inspires me to be a better person and we have the best time hanging out. It is very difficult and painful to be in a relationship with someone who is out there. Thank you to everyone who shared on this blog. All advice and questions are welcomed. Prayers and rainbows to all.
XO Dap
I am a MTF transgender person. I can’t help this and over the years I’ve realised that the strong feeling that you are a woman although you look male never goes away. I’m married and my wife knows that I am transgendered. She accepts it but is not ecstatic about it. I’m very tall and even though I would pass well as a woman, my tallness makes me really stand out. We also have 2 grown up children who don’t know about my being transgendered.
Unfortunately there is still such a huge stigma attached to being transgendered and your loved ones (who stay with you really take the brunt of this). It embarrasses them terribly and children get ridiculed at school because their father is a woman, etc. Many years ago, I took the decision not to transition because of my family. It’s really hard sometimes because I would love nothing more than be myself. The thing is, in life, you cannot think of only yourself. You have to think of others, especially your loved ones and sometimes you have to make sacrifices.
My wife and I have come to a practical compromise/solution in that once a month or so, I go out for a girls evening and I dress as myself around the house once a week or so when there’s no -one around. Whilst this is not ideal for me, it’s not all about me: it’s about the people who I love and love me as well.
I think that if you are transgendered and make the choice to marry someone without telling them and then have kids, you have to think really hard about it before you transition.
Leanne, you really deserve respect and admiration for deciding not to transition and not to hurt and destroy your family. I am the wife of a transitioning husband (we have a child) and the trail of destruction it has caused is horrendous. I believe that the support and love of your family will make it all worth it in the long run. I wish you and your family all the best.
Hello,
A few years ago, he confided that he was depressed and after denying it and trying to work past it, he finally worked up the courage to seek help as of a few months ago. He has been on anti-depressants for about 2 months and has been feeling more clear headed and the spectrum of emotions that he feels are new to him as it goes. I had a fairly tough time figuring out how to support him through his depression and I didn’t really know how to either. In college, we became Resident Assistants and had the opportunity to learn about trans people and how to support them. I didn’t know that this informatoo would help me in my own relationship.
A few days ago, my partner woke me up and told me that he couldn’t sleep. After talking about a few things, he mustered up the courage to tell me that he was transgender. Thanks to the information I had received at my RA training, I was able to stay composed enough to be supportive and help relieve some of his concerns. We spoke about it and what made him realize this. Turns out that he had been curious about the topic for a while but always avoided paying it too much thought. He had also experimented and tried on areticles of my clothing. We spoke and he said that he was surprised about how “ok” wit it I was, mind you this was 1.5 days after he told me. I remained cool and collected throughout that time. Then, the memory of his saying “I am transgender” resurfaced in my head and I started to cry.
I want to be as supportive as I can for him since I have heard many stories of the lack of support trans people have and the bad times that come with it. I do not want him to go through such hardships if I can avoid it, so I do not want to be the root of it. I didn’t want him to see me cry in fear that he would think that I can’t handle it and that I would leave him. But, when I cry, I think of the things we were planning and the time we’ve had together, and as others bellow have said, it almost feels as if the love of my life and best friend was dying. Ofcourse, I understand that this is not so, that he will just gained the chance to be comfortable in his skin and be happy. It may be for myself, but I think that I mourn the ideas we had, but I’m looking forward to the happiness and comfort that he will have once he transitions.
This leads me to mentioned that our sex life hasn’t been the craziest, and as of late, it has become non-existent without either of us paying it any mind. His coming out has shined light into this lack of intimacy and, although I’m sure I have some issues to deal with for myself, I was passively accepting things while he subconsciously avoided issues within himself. He used his anti-depressants and their side effects as an excuse for the ED that he was experiencing. And as things got closer to when he came out, the ED got to the point that even when I try to stimulate him, he gets aroused but has no erection. Now, it is so clear.
We decided to cancel the wedding plans we had (a 150 guest outdoor wedding at a family friend’s home) and will be planning a smaller gathering for family and friends in February. He wants to not be mid-transition when we get married hence we are rushing it since he’d like to start transitioning soon. I support these decisions but I have been feeling distressed and insecure about the ED. He has expressed his unhappiness with his body, and I don’t want to do anything to rub these insecurities in his face, but cuddling itself feels like this. I love being the little spoon and pressing my bottom against him, but now I feel like doing things like that hurt him.
I rambled on, but I wanted to share ther thoughts with people who were experiencing similar things. I’m still figuring things out for myself but I love him and want to be with him for the rest of our lives, even if my husband will become my wife, and my sexuality changes, because in the end, I will still be married to my best friend.
Thank you for the blog and advice.
I would also like to add that he does not want to be referred to as a woman until he looks the part.
How can we be close sexually close when my gf doesn’t want to be touched by me we have been in a lesbian relationship for nine months and now tells me she’s transgender, how do we move on from this
I feel your frustration. I been married 24 years and my spouse just doesn’t ever want to have sex ( 10 yrs) I have learned not to ask. It’s lonely. If I imitate it then usually but I hate asking and I gave up. I still love my spouse. I know my spouse loves me but we are more like best friends.
My Boyfriend told me from the get-go, he isn’t sure if he would want all the surgeries and stuff. I told him I’d be supporting, I just want him to be happy. But I do wonder . . . What Next? What If?
I have been dating my boyfriend for 3yrs and he told me a while ago that he cross-dresses (I am fine with that). The issue of marriage came up 6 months ago because I am from the Netherlands on a VISA here in the US…..but he could never get to commit to me even though he loves me. My visa is expiring next months and I will be leaving the country. It is heart breaking to leave him but I now know why. he has been struggling with himself for a while because he thinks that he might be bi or transgender. My world crumbled and the past 3 months have been horrible. I have cried a lot because of the thought that I will have to leave him, I love him and want to be there for him and with him. Sometimes I just do not want to get up, I could instantly start to cry, and know how many of you posting on this wall feel. He tells me all the time that he loves me and that I am the best that ever happened to him. 4 months I even tried on his grandma’s wedding ring. Last week, we started to see a therapist and I just hope that he will get him/us clarification and that he will be able to find himself.
My boyfriend told me that he has several women’s outfits: sexy, sporty, etc.. Initially, he would buy wigs but then he wanted to get more real hair and then he started buying wigs with more natural feeling hair and more expensive. He has also bought silicon boob implants (with nipples) that look real. By now, he pretty much knows his “women size” in all the different clothes. We are very open and talk abut everything. He even showed me pictures of him all dressed up. It just hurts him and me that I will have to leave because of my VISA. To me it feels like a nightmare that I can’t escape and my world is falling apart. I have been crying so much…..who knows what will happen…..but right now I can’t imagine living without him.
I am a bi female mostly interested in men, my spouse is trans gender fluid and up until recently had not been thinking about HRT but is now considering it. I am so excited for them to finally be feeling comfortable in their body and to finally be seeing the real changes that they want to see. On the other hand I am scared shitless that with the hormone treatment my beloved will no longer be attracted to me as a woman. I have heard so many stories of people transitioning and then becoming totally straight and no longer being sexually attracted to their wives. This would utterly break my heart and I really don’t know how to deal with all this fear and insecurity welling up inside me. is the an inevitable thing that we are just putting blinders on and ignoring or is there a chance for us?
There is a chance for you!!
Well no matter what s x your attracted to it duran change the commitment to someone you love and to not stray.
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The key to a trans relationship as with everything is the “C” word- Communication.
Communicate evenly and openly with each other.
My partner has just recently told me he is thinking about transitioning mtf. I recently dated ftm and it tore us apart because of the difficult steps in transition. I’m scared, hurt, overwhelmed, and feel alone. I love him so much and I want him to be happy, but it feels like I’m losing him, and forced into loving someone else. I’m so so scared. I dont know what to do.
The reality is you will lose a part of him. You don’t have to stay in a relationship that isn’t right for you.
My husband told me after 12 years of marriage. I am not naïve and I saw NOTHING for 12 years of his being feminine in any way. I grew up with gay and trans friends and I am in total shock. I am 54 years old and in bad shape now from back issues and I thought I had married a man that would be my last relationship. I am too tired and old to go on alone or find someone else. I feel that my husband lied to me and hid something important. He claims he didn’t know he could become a woman and that’s why he never brought it up. I feel betrayed. I am not homophobic but I am NOT attracted to women and may in fact have been molested by a woman as a child. I come from severe abuse and have beaten mental illness and alcoholism and I was ready to settle down and with severe PTSD I need stability and things I can count on and instead I have the rug pulled out from under my feet at this late stage of the game and I am completely destroyed. I don’t really identify as female or male. I don’t care and never really thought about it much. I’ve always felt a perfect blend of masculine and feminine. I’ve always done what I wanted and didn’t think about it too much. I can’t understand his need to change himself. Just be a woman and leave your body alone. He thinks I am going to have sex with him as a woman with a penis and I can’t. It makes me sick in my stomach. He knows I have issues with the thought of a woman touching me sexually from my childhood and yet it’s like I never existed. I am hurt and confused and the truth is every single drop of hope and happiness has gone from me. I just don’t even fucking care anymore. I have a cat rescue and I am only here to make sure my animals are okay. My husband has always seemed like a giant child to me that never learned how to do anything grown up and it bugs me that he is putting so much into becoming something else when he doesn’t even adult very well. Sorry I guess it isn’t supposed to just be about me but I feel like I have been lied to and conned and robbed of my entire life. You can all be polite but I feel like I lost everything. I don’t want to tell my family and I don’t want to see him as a woman and I don’t want to have sex with a woman with a dick. period yet he has allowed us to get in too deep financially that I could never survive without him and his income. I wish I could go back to when I lived alone and was dependent on myself and no one else. Now I dread every single day.
You have to look after you. Be really clear with your partner about what you want and need in a relationship. Your partner should be equally clear. Don’t stay in a relationship that is bad for you.
Listen, I am just surprised , my boyfriend / girlfriend , who knows .. is a fANTASTIC LOVER .. so I dont care, I love him to have breast , and I love him with a penis !
I encourage him to change sex if he wants to, if not I’m fine with that too !
I guess my problem is his depression at some point .. really bad ..
Anyway, you love the person, not the dick !!
Sounds like we have ALOT in common. Feel free to send a email.
My husband is mtf Trans. We have been married 15 years with three kids, and trying for another. Last week he came to me, and told me he wanted to start acting/living like a women. I so worried about so many different things; but I do feel like things will workout for us. We get along really well still, we have a great sex life, and I love so many things about her. I don’t feel like I’m losing my husband, and I know he would stay a man for me if I asked. My biggest thing I’m worried about is if I will still find my spouse attractive if/when she starts taking hormones. The hormones really scare me, I don’t want to lose the person I’ve been with the last 15 years.
Are you sure she would stay a man? Have you asked? I’m in your position. I’m curious how many don transition.
the thing is … the sexual pleasure they are afraid to lose, which I do understand !
So let them decide if or if not to change sx completely
I’m pretty sure he/she will stay male. For numerous reasons.
My situation is this.my husband was caught texting other women and sending pics of himself in girls underwear and I thought he was cheating…he explained to me that he was practicing talking about his being transgender or dressing in drag to them and assured me that he was not interested in the women and that I shouldn’t worry that he’s not and never has cheated.i don’t know if I should believe him or not but I really want to .he also told me that he likes his male parts but loves to wear women’s clothes and underwear.maybe this isn’t transgender? Maybe this is just him wanting to dress in drag sometimes? I’m not sure but he also likes role reversal in the bedroom.he assures me he is not gay and loves women but he feels like a lesbian.im very confused sometimes.i want to support him but I don’t know how.i don’t know what to say to him or understand what he really wants.any suggestions for me?
It sounds like your husband may not know what he wants either. Dressing in drag and crossing dressing is not the same as being transgender and wanting to transition.
I suggest you do some reading about it and have a direct conversation with him, over a couple of days if necessary.
Maybe he/she didn’t cheat. My spouse had taken pics and talked but never cheated on me. Went to Trans bar but swears she\he didn’t cheat on me
This happened to me too. I caught my ex sexting and texting other women. He was also receiving pics of other men dressed in lingerie and replying to them. I was devastated beyond belief- and our 3 year relationship crumbled. It became nothing but mistrust, huge blow out fights and fell into complete disrepair. Feeling betrayed, I didn’t resign our lease in NYC and we moved to different states. He was the love of my life and I continue to feel saddened by what happened 2 years ago, we still text every day and he claims he never talked to any of them or actually met up with them. I was jealous of what I wasn’t providing him and that he was doing it behind my back- when I thought I was so open minded. I even offered to have an open relationship after I discovered his ‘secret’ phone number but he said I was humilaiating him at the proposition of that.
Hello! I’m a cis woman who just had a male partner come out as transgender. I had been with for a 1 year and a 1/2. They have been dealing with this struggle for most of our relationship and they have known for sure about the transition for several months. I’m devastated as I just found out a couple of days ago. They already have a name picked out, they plan on starting the transition next month and they have made their identity public without really giving me time to process. I suggested a breakup to figure out things. I’m hurt and super confused. Please help. I haven’t been able to sleep much or eat. I’m heartbroken 😞
This is a lovely post. Thank you! My gut feeling is to stay positive and so I’m kind of looking for success stories to help me with my decision to stay and embrace! At the end of the day I love my partner, our relationship and our life so what difference does gender make, in the end? X
You never know how things will turn out, but in my experience you have so much to gain by staying and embracing. My spouse and I did eventually split after 5 years, but there were other issues with our relationship and personal growth needs that went into that decision. And I personally learned a lot more about myself and my needs by sticking with it. I still love her very much, and we continue to maintain a very close connection as we start over and rebuild our relationship as friends.. for now.. who still knows what the future will hold. And I know other couples who have made it work and stayed together and are building families together. Much Love!
All it comes down to is that the person you are with is still the same person the end xx
I agree;)
Hi, I’m 21 year old straight female and my boyfriend is 23. Before we started dating he told me that he identified as transgender. He would cross dress and do his nails etc. something I didn’t have any issue with. Then recently he told me that he has come out to his parents and told them he was a girl, and “in a ideal world wants to be addressed as She/Her. Is it bad that I don’t yet feel comfortable addressing him as their preferred pronouns?
He has told me many times that he doesn’t want to physically transition as he thinks in a few years he’ll want kids and want to be a husband/father. He said he wants to get married to me and have a life with me as his male self.
Saying this, he has previously said that he wouldn’t cross dress anymore, something he’s now changed his mind on. It’s a constant flip with him, saying one thing and months later changing his mind. How do I know he won’t change his mind about physically transitioning into a female?
Is it horrible of me to say and think, “I don’t want to build my life with a man for him then to physically become a girl?”
I totally understand that it’s a very confusing time for him, but it’s also hard for me to hear him promise one thing and then do another.
I feel horrible that I cant call him she/her. I know I fell in love with them as a person, but I also fell in love with his body and looks. Is that selfish of me?
I guess what I’m looking for is advice? Am I being unreasonable and transphobic?
You can’t change who are sexually attracted to and that includes orientation. It’s not transphobic to say “I’m not attracted to women and don’t want to be in a relationship with you, but I can love and support you as a friend”.
Hello M,
I know its a been a while since this post but I am going through a similar situation as well and would love to be able to talk to someone about it. I understand if you don’t want to as well but if you can that would be amazing.
Hey there
Yeah of course, I’m happy to chat more with you! Drop me a message and we can get chatting.
Thank you for this website, and greetings to all of you who have contributed to it. I have spent many hours reading your comments and that, combined with my personal experience, makes me feel that if you happen to be in a relationship with a transgendered mtf person, it is very unlikely that it would turn out well, and you will live happily ever after. I have been married for 22 years, and have an 11-year old daughter with someone whom I loved so much, who meant so much to me, who was my true soulmate (I am crying now). And we had so many beautiful years together. He told me he was trans 9 years into the marriage and I was accepting, we went out with him dressed etc. but he said he would never transition full time, he always reassured me about that, for all of us but mainly for the sake of our daughter. And like so many of you have experienced, it was all lies. He has now started living as a female and is transitioning. When I think of him, what I think of is lies, deception, betrayal, humiliation, hurt, anger…..he/she has changed so much as a person, his physical changes are tiny compared to the change in his/her character. I feel so exhausted and depressed. I feel I have put so much of my life on hold to deal with his issues and it wasn’t worth it. My advice to those of you considering living in a relationship with a trans person, please remember it is ALL about them, not about you in the least ever, or your children.
My sincere condolences. It is hard but somecrejauikships fo work out. It is very hard to get through the deception and lies. I have chosen to forgive. It’s a process of sorts. I understand your pain and I’m very sorry. That’s so hard to first hear. I found out after 20 something years. After I beat stage 4 cancer I found out the truth. We have a daughter who will need us probably all her life. We need to stick together for her sake too.
Ok First i want to point out that Transgender persons are not completely selfish or lying to you about wanting to or not to transition.. I have been with my wife for 16 years as of Sept 15th 2018. We met when she was still living as a man. About 12 years in and 1 biological child later she came out to me. I was hysterical .. The normal partner reaction. Blamed myself for not being a good enough wife .. did i push (him) to this is it all my fault.. did other outsiders influence (him). Then came the what is they leave worries. It was never a question about me leaving.. it was are you going to leave me for a man ? At the time she came out she really didn’t want or lean towards surgery and of course i didn’t want her to have it. It was odd that she was wearing my clothes. At the time we were both the same size. When she first started transitioning yes it was all about her. Getting hormones having people ask me about her… feeling that i was a outsider looking in when here it was MY LIFE and i felt left out of it. NO one ever asked me how i was coping with it. Yes i was hurt and angry … But i educated myself on Everything.. ive been a member of this site since 2014 as a matter of fact because I came here for the same reasons everyone has. We have 3 kids 1 of them is off on her own and our other two where 11 and 5 or 6 when my wife came out. My older two had no trouble….adjusting to life with Two moms… our youngest did not want any parts of having 2 mommies… she insisted she had a mom and a dad… now if trans people didn’t give a crap my wife wouldn’t have gone out of her way to order I AM JAZZ from the bookstore so that we could read it to her.. we sat down went through the book and almost immediately our daughter started calling my wife mommy. Just that fast. Most trans people fear coming out because of loosing their loved ones, Jobs, their family and almost everything else. I am one of the few wives that have stuck around. Someone did ask me how could you stay when you been living a lie for 12 years… I wasn’t the one living a lie she was… she was lying to herself about who she was trying to keep it a secret because she didn’t want to loose me and the kids, and all the while feeling ashamed for it wanting to not live because she couldn’t handle it anymore. So please dont go around saying that they dont care about anyone but themselves, because that is why most transgender folks DONT come out. Because they care and fear they will loose everything.
My MTF relationship ended in an unpleasant way. I hung in there for a few years with great difficulty. Yes, it was all about her (him – I still have hard time using correct pronoun because s/he presented and identified as male when with me.) S/he hung onto me until s/he had someone else to depend on and it was really hurtful. Pretended to be ok with presenting as male when with me, but really was not. I was used and the treatment I received was very distasteful. I also hung on for years for fear of her committing suicide. There were many accompanying mental health issues. Although I was deeply hurt, I still wish her and her wife the best in the future. The new person actually “liberated” us from each other – it’s mainly how I was deceived and used, so s/he could not step outside of comfort zone when I offered to “just be friends” if she really needed to transition fully.
Hi, my husband has decided he wants to become female, the person he should have been. We’ve been married nearly 30 years! Help????? Any feedback would be greatly appreciated.
My advice is that is your partner is really serious work out a plan of how you are going to do this together. Research, research, research and find a good doctor to help with medical care.
Hello transgenderpartner,
I’ve seen on some other posts you suggest people getting into support groups that are online. Would you be able to let me know of some of those resources I would greatly appreciate it. Thank you for this post.
Hi,
I don’t follow this blog very much anymore and I don’t follow any support groups either. I’m terribly sorry! I suggest you see if there is a group in your area so you can meet people in person (contact an LGBTQI organisation that might know of someone). Also having a good therapist helps! I’m not sure if reddit has any good groups anymore, I know that there was a good active one for a while. Not sure if it is still good. I’m sorry I can’t be of more help. If there are specific questions you need answered, feel free to contact me 🙂
He may not too. Not everyone transitions. It’s is as expensive as buying a home sometimes. Unless you are wealthy you can’t really successfully do this. Maybe he/she could compromise and just dress that way. Many do.
We make six figures but we have a daughter who is austic and I had stage 4 cancer. We also are buying a home later in life. We can’t afford it and I’m glad. We all have to make comprises. My husband can dress within reason whenever. I share my clothes and help him pass. I have accepted it. No hormones till retirement. Then I’m praying that won’t gappen but if it does then I’ll work on accepting it. Life is about being fair. Comprising . All long as you both agree in it. It’s fair. We were married 21 years when it happened to us. We separated, we lost our home cause we both moved out over this. But with counseling and time things actually got better and we are happy. Please don’t let anyone tell you it can’t work. Or how to think Or react. It’s your life. And it’s short.
I found out my partner was transgendered about 3-4 months ago. I am currently 17 almost 18 and this is my first real relationship. My partner and I fell for each other fast. We had been talking for a while and became official on our first date. This wasn’t like me at all. I never cared much about relationships but I fell hard in love, something that is already complicated for a high schooler. My partner was 19 when we started dating, now 20 and went to the military college in my town. After a month of dating my partner had to deploy for basic training, something they were very upfront with before we started dating. I was planning on hanging out and then picking up our relationship when basic training was over since it would be almost 4 months of only sending letters and 2-minute phone calls once a month. But like I said we fell in love. After 2 weeks my partner said it first because of my car breaking down in the school parking lot and being mad I didn’t have jumper cables because ‘they love me and want me to be safe’. We talked about marriage before basic training, again something I never saw myself doing but my partner was basically all I didn’t realize I wanted in a partner. We were not perfect but to us it was. I feel even more in love being apart and would wait every day for the mailman to come and would pray for a better. When my partner returned the marriage talk continued and it went from casually talking about a future together to something real. I’m not stupid it wasn’t going to happen until I was at least 27 but it seemed like a definite. My partner was feminine in some aspects, commenting on my outfits and putting on my bras as a ‘joke’. Sometimes I gave it a second thought but never saw this coming, I thought at most bisexual, which I was fine with. But those thoughts faded away. About a month before my partner told me I started noticing differences. They were always quiet but they would always say ‘i’m more of a listener and I just want to hear about you’ but our best moments were in silence. Cuddling was our favorite thing to do and that’s how we fell in love. When we were silent cuddling in the back of my car, because I wasn’t allowed in the military dorms, and our breaths would connect and I would feel like I was absorbed in a bubble of love. That’s how I felt every day before I knew like I was walking in a bubble of love. But anyway, the silences were different, I could feel something was wrong but could never get them to really talk to me about it. Sometimes they would open up about how they were unhappy at their school and were sick of the military lifestyle and wanted to drop out and move back home across states, which made me sad after having them just been gone at basic training. I knew something was really wrong when I picked my partner up on a day they were allowed to leave campus with another friend of mine that I would drive home from school. I was taking my friend straight to therapy that day with my partner in the car, it was no problem we were all close. After my friend had left my partner hung their head and talked about how it was good that my friend was going to therapy and said they might be interested to go. I encouraged them and asked for what reason. They just responded with “I have problems” and then refused to talk about it again. I didn’t try to pry but was worried. There were a few instances like this where they would talk about having a secret or having a problem that they could tell me or anyone else. Of course, I was concerned I loved this person more than anything and I knew they were hurting but they would brush it off or they would say it was a joke. My partner is in the national guard, which is part of the army where they have a chance of deploying but is less likely especially for college students, one weekend they went to drill which is there once a month weekend training session two hours away. The days before were rough, my car had broken down twice I had a panic attack that night with my partner and went back home without staying at a friends house with them which was the plan. I also had to borrow a car and drive 2 hours at 4 am to take them to drill because they couldn’t drive up themselves. My partner was told they would be deploying for 9 months to Kuwait this summer (spoiler this isn’t happening anymore) and was frantic, both of us were. Driving back down with a friend something shifted. We were texting and my partner again says there is something they cant tell and im trying and trying to figure out what’s happening. Eventually, they tell me they are trans and i thought it was a joke. It took the 2 hours until they got to my house and part of me still thought it was a joke. This person was my strong masculine military bf to me I just couldn’t see it. We walked to a park near my house and sat on a bench. My partner is trying to talk to me and tell me stuff and ask questions but I am in shock. I felt betrayed, devastated, tricked, depressed and I was sobbing and I am a person who used to never cry. After about an hour I couldnt take it anymore I said it was time to go and then my partner says they were joking the entire time, they wanted to see if they could trust me when they left. I was disgusted that the person I loved could do that to me as a joke but the relief was greater than that. The next day I still feel like something is off and try to understand why they did. I visited them after school and something is still wrong. Sitting in the target parking lot a couple hours later after another round of texting that I will leave them I ask if they are trans and they say yes and that they couldnt bear to see me the way I was the other day. I call them crying and screaming again, this time so much worse they start crying too, something I hadnt witnessed before. They hang up and couldnt move. I call one of my friends screaming crying that my partner never loved me that I wanted to die and that I couldn’t take it. My partner is calling me over and over but I couldnt take it. I drove home in a daze and collapsed in my hallway in the fetal position. I was home alone and then my mom found me. I started screaming in pain and I told her. Right now she is still my only family member that knows. Most of my friends do now too. The next couple days I didn’t go to school. I didn’t eat for 2 days and only got out of bed to see my partner once. Those meetings were filled with crying and breaking up and getting back together. I was in so much pain for about a month. I still feel like I am always in pain but it comes in waves. Some days im fine and I can see us having a future together and the other days I can’t get out of bed. The first 2 months were filled with so many 10-minute breakups and getting back together. I am a straight woman but the connection and love I feel with my partner are still there. This did cause my friends to turn on us when they once saw us as the perfect couple. During all of this, my partner also moved back to their home state before Christmas, also adding a long distance element to this situation. But now things have settled and we dont break up but we still do fight. Not as much but still way more than before I knew. We dont talk about marriage anymore, when we do there is also an element in the air of both of us knowing the certainty isn’t there anymore. While I once felt unbelievably happy it is now impossible for me to be dragged out of this hole. The moments when I am happy are backdropped with sadness. I fell like a curse to my partner, that my depression is holding them back. They know my feelings on them transitioning and while I want them to be happy and encourage them to take the steps they need it is hard to hide my sadness. While the pressures of school and senior year was starting to drag me down the depression I now find myself in is crushing. I only work and go to school now and make excuses to not go out with my friends anymore because trying to be happy has become too exhausting. Seeing other happy couples makes me cry, random things make me cry, thinking about our memories before I knew makes me cry, thinking about the things I’m going to lose (biological kids being one of those) makes me cry. I went from a strong person who never cried to breaking down 3 times a day. The bathroom cry during lunch has become my go to. I hide things from my family and friends now because I feel like a burden. I feel like there is no go option. I will never have the life of a husband and kids that I wanted and talked about with my partner but I also can’t imagine not being with my partner. The wave of emotions goes up and down and so many things that have happened cant even halfway be covered in this extremely long story. It is so complex sometimes I shut down because I can’t stand the darting thoughts anymore. But my mind is always on it and my depression. It feels impossible to be happy the way I used to and it becomes hard to find joy in anything. FInding out I got into my top school still couldn’t make me feel any happiness. I don’t know how to feel or react or how to support my partner or how to support myself so I can make it easier for my partner. Part of it still doesn’t feel real and that this could not be happening. I try to take them shopping and be supportive but it hurts and feels good to make them happy. I feel like I am failing and I dont know what to do.
To add on, i feel especially guilty now. My partner was supposed to start hormones soon but canceled their appointment because I was freaking out. I thought I had 6 years until their military contract ended but the therapist i pushed them towards wanted to get them on hormones. So there is a new aspect that is causing some conflict.
I am very thankful I saw this article, really. I am happy that you put into words what I am going through right now and validated everything I am feeling. Reading this article makes me feel I am not alone with my struggle. I am a straight woman and been dating a partner who is FTM. At the beginning I didn’t know I fell in love with a transman. But this and that happened and somehow we made it through. He is currently transitioning. We are together for about 5 years now. It’s definitely not a walk in the park. And it’s the kind of relationship that will never be normal. As a couple we really click. But outside, if you bring it out it’s been a tough and challenging one. We have friends and family who knows about us and are totally accepting. But if you bring it outside like work or community, it’s just difficult to bring it open without going through some sort of explanation or receiving awkward interaction. And it’s even more difficult if you live in religious asian country. I’ve been thinking about leaving or staying honestly. And I’ve been weighing things for many years; seeing the reality of this relationship (both the good and bad) making a decision if I will stay in it for many years…I’m thinking about choosing him but at the same time I’m hesitating about making the final decision because I am scared…if I will be making the right decision. It would be nice if someone could reach out and offer advice.
Most people like you said who aren’t close to you are a complete toss up and nine times out of ten I am horrified at the ugly responses we have gotten. I been married 25 years this July to my husband/wife. Since I’m not a lesbian it’s been kind of difficult so we just don’t have sex. We hadn’t for about 10 years. We are both faithful but just older now;) we share a home and daughter and a life and a dog. Life is much more than sex. Marriage is more than sex too.
So glad to have found this thread. I’ve been with my partner for over 20 years. I always wanted to settle down and have children. He took the whole relationship really slow and I thought it was just respecting me but it was actually that he had never had a relationship. About 7 montha in he told me he was a cross dresser in private. I accepted that and stayed with him. Our relationship has never been consummated unless you include handjobs. We sleep beside each other. He hasn’t touched me like that in nearly 2 years but regularly ‘encourages’ me to touch him when he is dressed in womens clothes, usually in the guise of an older man. I hate myself doing this. It’s as though i have no value at all and yet he says his life would end if anything ever happened to me. A year or so ago he started to talk about body dysmorphia and how he/she hates his body and being trapped in a male body. he/she is constantly referencing transitions but we cannot afford anything like that. he/she doesn’t work, hasn’t done in a decade and my income just about keeps us afloat. There isnt any to spare. I don’t know what to do or think anymore. I veer between despair, selfhatred and anger. I often feel that I would be better off gone. I fantasise about being dead a lot. I love him with all my heart but all I feel right now is pain. I have never once cheated on him, would never consider doing that but I know he has interacted by phone, text and photos with other men. I honestly don’t know what to do anymore. I can’t have kids now anyway so that Avenue is closed to me but I had to accept that when I went through menopause he/she has been my life for nearly half my life. I even stopped visiting family so much because they didn’t like going to visit.
If he wants to be trans MtF, should I just accept a non sexual (in any way) friendship? Should I stay with her and continue as we have? Should I cut my losses and move on and away?
“I veer between despair, selfhatred and anger.”
If your friend/ coworker/ family was telling you this, what would your advice be? It sounds like your relationship is causing you major issues, irrespective of your partner being transgender. Sometimes you’ve just got to put yourself first.
I’ve been with my boyfriend for almost 4 years now and I’ve known he was trans for about 2 of them. I suffer PTSD and currently have severe depression because as my therapist puts it- im heartbroken and grieving. He’s MtF and wants to transition. I didn’t know he was when we started dating, he cheated on me with his ex for the first 6 months of our relationship but I forgave him. In October of 2017 I put a down payment on an engagement ring to marry him and accidentally found a bunch of text messages in which he had cheated on me the whole first 2 years we were together. It’s been rough since. I accepted all his cross dressing and sex stuff, I forgave the cheating (even the second time but cancelled the ring).
He says he wants to transition but doesn’t want to look in between. We don’t live together anymore, he chose to stay in Chicago while I moved to better fight the custody battle for my kids with my e in a nearby state. As far as I know, he’s not cheating on me but at this point I don’t care. He keeps saying he doesn’t want to force me to do anything like be in a relationship that makes me unhappy but he doesn’t want me to leave- that we can just be friends but it hurts me to watch the man I was so in love with die as he becomes someone else. I feel responsible for his transitioning success because we are/were/still?/idk best friends and I made a promise to always be there for him no matter what. I don’t break promises. I feel betrayed and guilty because I don’t want to hurt him but I can’t do this back and forth shit anymore. He still tries to talk about “our” future and I feel trapped. I’ve told him several times I don’t want a woman and I’ve broken up a few times telling him that we don’t have a future but I miss him. It hurts. I’m angry because I put all of my cards on the table and I don’t lie or cheat, I compare it to dating someone who has a kid and doesn’t tell you or had an STD at one time and never told you. It’s the betrayal of not allowing the other person to make a choice knowing all the flaws or insecurities and then later having the expectation that “because you love me you have to accept this about me or you’re shallow”. Or “love the person” but screw that – I haven’t known this person and whoever they pretended to be is dead now. I loved that persona- I miss that person and I want them back!
I get it – I’m a jerk because he was forced to live a lie but I didn’t do that to him, HE did that to him. Society did that to him. I’m a veteran- I know what being ostracized feels like and yet I live with the stigma of PTSD everyday and I don’t hide it even when it’s scary. I’ve been made fun of and had people ask me inappropriate questions and ask me about things they have no business asking but I deal with it. If I can do that then why can’t I have the expectation for him to have done the same and allowed me the chance to decide if this was for me? I want out. And I want to feel like I didn’t betray my own sense of self when I do it.
I wish I could help you something to comfort you. I too have ptsd among other issues stemming from childhood abuse. I will offer a safe hug to you and I wish you well in your fight. Sadly I know what it’s like to be cheated on too. Was emotionally but it still hurts as I been so lonely and dedicated to my spouse for 25 years. If I were single I don’t know if we could of survived to be honest. But I’m committed to my marriage. We are older, have a life established. My spouse is trying hard as possible to do what is right and I been helping him/her as much as I can within my limits if what I can do. I guess that’s all anyone can do. Is just their best.
My SO has just decided to transition mtf and i support her pursuit of happiness fully! How can you truly love someone and not want them to be happy and comfortable in their own skin? So what if it doesn’t work out between you in the long run or even if it does, you’re purpose in love is to make each other better people. That man we met has always been a woman on the inside, has never felt comfortable enough with themselves to admit their truth and they chose to become themselves with you! Support that woman newly emerging, she’s still the same person after all. As women we fall in love with your personality over your looks, so remember that personality isn’t going anywhere!
This is really awesome and I am glad I found this.
I’ve been with my wife for 13 years married 10.
I o er the last few years have been full time panty wearer.
I have secretly dabbled in wear her close but she is a bit bigger than I so some stuff doesn’t fit .
I have recently been opening up more and she is not very happy.
I will continue because this is me its beens 26+ years I’ve felt this way and have alway hid it.
I fully understand her feelings and I will wait for ever!
I am slowly changing my clothing wardrobe.
I hope my wife can come to understand me and how I feel. I trying to understand her feelings before i change anything.
Thank you
In Secret Girl!
Hi lovely people
I’m a girlfriend of a transgender male to female. As I’m a lesbian it doesn’t makes it easier. My partner is trying very hard but it breaks my heart to see how much time, effort and money we have to spend together to set her free. I fully support her/him and this helps immensely. It’s not about me. It’s about her/him. Not to be who you really are is the most dangerous thing in the world. You have to stay true to yourself. My partner is trying her/his very best to make me feel comfortable as well. Transgender people are not selfish at all. They just want to fit in. I dont think it’s fair that all the expenses towards it is not covered by any privat or public health system. If women want to do a plastic surgery it is covered. So why not for transgender people. But it’s not the money who bothers me the most. It’s the ignorance of other people. Transgender people have only one intention. To be happy with themselves. My partner has 3 children from previous marriage. Her/his ex is difficult. Sometimes she/he gets support other times not. I personally think you have to make up your mind. You support your partner or you don’t. Nothing in between. And don’t change from one day of the other. If you truly love your partner, gender doesn’t matter. What inside matters. Yes I get it, I prefer women but this doesn’t mean I cannot stand men. And beside nowadays there are so many adult toys who can replace female or male body parts.
So lovely folks, just remember it’s about your partner and not about you. Because if your partner is happy, you will be happy too. Don’t cage your partner. Let her/him live.
Hi, my boyfriend at the start of our relationship told me he was trans and didnt go through with it because he was to lazy to. Im 8 months pregnant with our baby and now he wants to start to transition. He just wants to put the baby up for adoption and use the money I have been putting aside for his medication. I am not into girls but with a newborn how would you handle the situation? At first he was so excited to feel the baby kick now hes mean and says i am in the wrong and against trans people because I dont want to stay in that
Thank you for your article! It was a relief to find it. I’m struggling with something impossibly difficult for me. I’ve been with my husband almost 4 years, married 1. I have 2 young children from a previous (abusive) marriage who call him (he’s still using male pronouns for simplicity) Daddy and we have a 5-mo.-old boy together. He came out to me as trans kinda out of the blue a couple weeks ago. We were finally coming out of a hard time (post-partem depression, unemployment, pandemic, the death of my dad from cancer, etc.), he had found a really good job and the whole house just seemed to be breathing a little easier. And then this.
I did not take it well. I am very ashamed about how I yelled at him. Especially when he told me he has always wanted to dress feminine but was disgusted when nothing fit his male body right. I felt deceived because though he says he just realized what he really wants, it sounded more like he didn’t previously know how effective transitioning could be and wouldn’t want it if he couldn’t look like he was born female. I felt as if he could have been more honest about his orientation when we got together or at least before we married and got pregnant so that I could choose whether a female spouse is something I could live with. Because, even now after the hurt has passed a little and I’ve had a chance to think it over more rationally and dig deep, I am very straight. I am not attracted to women even in the slightest amount and find it difficult to even get along with most women in social situations (here I should probably mention that we are both on the higher functioning side of the autism spectrum). We are very tactile together with as active a sex life as possible, and though I can imagine becoming comfortable touching in a platonic way with his new body, I can’t imagine more than that and find the idea distinctly unappealing. Also, (and I know that this is an individual experience on both sides and not everyone feels this way) the thought of him as his female self makes me panic. On further self exploration, it seems that this is because it comes with the knowledge that his old self is absent in that situation and no longer exists. Which also comes with the realization that, though I can rationalize myself into being brave and functioning to societal norms, he is the only person in the world who makes me feel safe. And that seems to be largely because he is male and bigger than am, as if the concept is more or less instinctive. And though he feels that transitioning would cure much of his depression and issues with his body, I can’t get past it.
Other concerns are too many to address here but the larger and more looming ones, other than my sexual preference and insecurities, are: The children. My older boy (7) has some very violent memories associated with men because of my ex-husband (not in the picture, thank you God), so how will it affect him to have no positive example of one? To a lesser extent, the baby, too. And my girl (5) is a major daddy’s girl. How would it affect her? Another facet is that with both of us experiencing some form of body issue (I am an on/off anorexic and look fat to myself even when I’m not) how will we raise them to be comfortable with themselves? What if their takeaway from us explaining transitioning is that you have to change yourself by drastic means to be happy? In some cases this can be devastating to a life.
Next, friends and family. We are both somewhat antisocial and don’t have many people we would call friends. We prefer it that way, if anything. So we live in the country away from large cities. We also both dislike drama, fanfare and attention centered on us. But you really can’t live in society without knowing people and that means people’s opinions may affect you and your children. Co-workers, neighbors, the kids’ classmates and even cashiers and waiters at places you frequent will notice if you turn into a woman and will have an opinion about it. And we honestly just don’t want to hear them or talk about it. (Unreasonable? Yes, probably. But see the part where I said we don’t like drama, fanfare or attention centered on us. It’s not malicious or from a hostile place. We’re actually pretty accepting of all types of people. We’re just also awkward, shy and uncomfortable around people. But don’t worry about replying or commenting here since I am literally asking for it lol) So anyways, I am concerned that it would be endlessly uncomfortable. Also, we both have big, involved families so the before mentioned would go for them, too, but their opinions would hold more weight. And this is the south; it’s kind of hard to tell who might react badly and cause the dreaded scene. So it’s likely that our quiet lives wouldn’t be quiet anymore.
Those are some of my hangups. My husband seems to only have one. He seems to think the kids will be fine and isn’t deterred by the social ramifications like he would be about anything else but has decided not to transition because we couldn’t be together romantically anymore. I have offered to give it a try if he wants to do hormone therapy and see how it goes but I’m reasonably certain the physical aspects of our lives together would end when the treatment begins to do its job. And to do it quietly is to do it secretly which holds difficulties if the physical changes are as extensive as some people apparently experience (I am very new to all things trans). And he feels that it would be worse to do it and be happy with himself for awhile but have his new body cause marital problems and end up going back off hormones. We have since discussed a variety of compromises, small and not so small, but have found none that would work for us. Knowing some about our strange and complicated situation via this long winded comment, if anyone has a suggestion as to something else we can try with the goal of staying together but alleviating some of his dysphoria, I would be eternally grateful. He has always tended toward depression but now he has a focus for it that he is completely ignoring so that we can have a life together and I can’t stand to see him suffering like this.
Sometimes to love someone is to set them free, no matter how much it hurts.
I am a trans man and my boyfriend told me he is a trans woman. One thing we have both learned to understand is who we are isn’t going to change. The person we fell in love with is still there and its just appearance that’s changing. Like women wear make up and people wear accessories watches sunglasses etc. We are still the same no matter what we wear. It doesn’t define our personalities. 💖
This was a really helpful read, I’m glad I came across it. I really wish there was more well known resources for those of us who are in this position because I think one of my biggest struggles with my partner coming out is feeling alone/like I have no one to talk to besides them. Which I love them and I feel grateful that my partner and I share such genuine and honest conversation around this topic, but it would just be nice to have some outside support. I’d love to connect and maybe learn more about your experience. Again, really enjoyed this post – maybe because I’m a blogger as well and i find that my time is similar to yours.