Sex, sex, sex

Sex: wonderful, bonding, sweaty, sweet, quiet, loud, fast, enthralling, moving and hopefully orgasmic!

Being a partner of a trans person and negotiating sex can be tricky. Some mtf do not like their penis at all and will refuse to use it sexually. Some will not mind using their penis and some will even want to kept it and not go through with SRS/ GRS.

First of all and most importantly: sex is not just about penile penetration of the vagina (or anus). Sex is sexual acts. It is kissing, rubbing, tongues, fingers, sex toys, vibrators, mouths, sucking and oral sex. Understanding this and being willing to explore will help stop sexual stagnation, particularly if your partner is not comfortable with their penis, can’t maintain an erection or unfamiliar/ uncomfortable with (sharing/ using) her new genitals.

So lets be frank here because most people love sex and want to be able to enjoy it with their partner. There are lots of books out there on how to enjoy lesbian sex. Buy some. I would advise that porn is not the best way to go about learning about lesbian and non-penetrative sex!

First of all make time for sexy times: You can keep it light and kissy or heavy hot and raunchy, but keep up the physical contact: A well timed passionate kiss, a light sexy touch, a quick sexy strip before bed or getting into the shower etc at least once a day (or week…:)…

Secondly learn what turns you on? Learn how to bring yourself to orgasm.

Thirdly, what turns your partner on? Your partner should be able to bring herself to orgasm too. How can you please each other if you can’t please yourself and don’t know what turns you on?

Now some general advice:

Women + sex = wet genitals is good. Don’t be afraid to use lubrication if necessary.

Fingers: massage, sexy light touches and penetration whilst masturbation or oral sex are all good ways to use (your partners’) fingers. Fisting is for pros so don’t even go there unless your really really really ready. In fact, don’t even worry about it. This also applies to weird sexy moves and positions… Scissoring? phfff.. stick to the basics.

Oral sex: Not everyone likes oral sex giving or receiving so respect that. But here are some tips: Shower, bathe: just have a wash before sex, especially if there has been warm weather or post op. Warm up to it, don’t just launch right in. Go through all of the normal foreplay. Be gentle, like eating an ice cream or licking a lollipop. Hey, if it helps you can even add a dash of sexy honey or warm (not hot!!) melted chocolate. Again, wet is good dry is bad.

Toys: buy good quality silicone toys. Clean after use. Use lubrication. Don’t be afraid to experiment. You can buy sex toys online cheaply and easily. They arrive via post in discrete unlabeled boxes and often don’t say what sort of purchase it was on your credit card. Alternatively you can go to a sex shop but sometimes these can be quite seedy and expensive, but perhaps more variety too!

Overcoming fear of genitals: This probably won’t happen for mtf who hates their penis. Just have your partner indulge in some of the above (on you) if interested. Encourage your partner to explore you even if they are not interested in their own sex organs. Why? Because someday you will want to be able to please her post SRS and the more she uses yours, the more comfortable she will be hers and more likely she will know how to use it!

The lost libido: hormonal changes and stress can effect libido big time. Talk about it with your partner and work something out. Libido changes are normal and happen to everyone.

Loss of sex post SRS: SRS is a complicated beast. Most women are orgasmic post-op but complications can see a delayed orgasmic response for up to 18 months or the need for further surgery. Fear of being “ugly” or “different” compared with other women can be an issue as well. Not understanding sex and an unwillingness to learn can also be a problem- this can also be about “not being ready”.

You can not make your partner comfortable with sex. You may also just realise you have mismatched libidos.

There are no rules in sex, only the boundaries in your head and what you and your partner are comfortable with.

Non penile penetrative sex is different from sex with a penis so don’t expect the experience to be the same. It can take longer for a start (hence the make time quip at the beginning). It is not about “the man comes and that’s all folks”. It is about mutual fun and exploration.